The Notes: Ronald Reagan's Private Collection of Stories and Wisdom

by Ronald Reagan

  I’ll bet you—time ain’t far off when a woman won’t know anymore than a man.

  Only in a country where it takes you more intel. to fig. out your inc. tax than it takes to earn the inc.

  If a rabbit foot is lucky—how come it didn’t work for the rabbit.

  Elderly motorist going down 1 way street—Cop: “Do you know where you’re going?”—“No,” the old fellow admitted, “but I must be late because everyone else is coming back.”

  Cong. biggest job—how to get money from the taxpayer without disturbing the water.

  3 ways to get something done: Do it yourself—have someone else do it—or forbid your kids to do it.

  Costrophobia—the fear of rising prices.

  Today’s kids are studying in hist. what we studied in current events.

  Human Nature—That’s what makes it easier to break a commandment than a habit.

  Mess Segt. “The men of Valley Forge would have loved this.” Soldier—“Sure, it was fresh then.”

  Guest arrived—tiptoed in without knocking—sat silently etc, Finally one mentioned the note on the door. She’d forgotten was taking a nap & left a note for her children. “Door is unlocked. Come in quietly—no rough housing—don’t ask for anything & if you touch the food on the table I’ll skin you alive.”

  Texas even claims Geo. W. was a Texan. Story is he cut down a cactus—his father said Geo. did you cut that cactus down. Geo. whimpered I cannot tell a lie—I did it with my little hatchet. His father yelled—if you can’t tell a better story—get out.

  Our problem is a lack of movies that are rated E for entertainment.

  The younger gen. has no faults that being a parent & a taxpayer will not eliminate.

  There’s little danger of our govt. being overthrown—there’s too much of it.

  If you dread getting old because you wont be able to do the things you want to do—don’t worry when you get older you won’t want to do them.

  Prices are so high you don’t order a chuck roast anymore—you have to call it Charles.

  A fellow with one of those foreign jobs—“Fill’er up”—Stuck hose in tank—finally said—“Better shut off the engine Mr.—you’re gaining on me.”

  Tchr.—“What was the great diff. Geo. W. had to face?” Kid—“He couldn’t tell a lie.”

  Guests for dinner—mother asked 4 yr. old to say the blessing—he said “Don’t know what say.” She: “Just say what you heard me say”—Kid, bowed his head: “Oh Lord why did I invite these people here on a hot day like this.”

  Adam and Eve must have been Russian—they had no roof over their heads, nothing to wear, only one apple between them & they called it paradise.

  Income tax—it’s a fine for reckless thriving.

  Communication—a fellow in a cafe to waiter: “I can’t eat my soup.” “Sorry I’ll call the mgr.” (same line) “I’ll call the chef.” (same line)—“what’s the matter with it?”—“No spoon.”

  He worshipped the ground she walked on—about 35 acres of downtown Dallas.

  If the IRS had to give money back if we weren’t satisfied we might get better govt.

  We work ourselves to death buying labor saving appliances.

  It’s easy to forgive an enemy if you know you can lick him.

  People who tell you never let the little things bother you never tried sleeping with a mosquito in the room.

  Good boss takes a little more than his share of the blame and little less than his share of the credit.

  A desk is a wastebasket with drawers.

  Rookie policeman in exam—asked how he would break up a crowd—“take up a collection.”

  Nothing like a vote in the U.N. to tell you who your friends used to be.

  Increase in crime may be from want of pinching (not the pinch of want).

  Muskie-Lincoln image. Wearing same suit. He & his pants never seem to sit down at the same time. When se sits his pants are already sitting there waiting for him.

  U.S. like Santa Claus—both leave gifts all over the world & wind up holding the bag.

  Most people would be glad to mind their own business if the govt. would give it back.

  Campaign poster should read “Caution voting for this man may be hazardous to your health, wealth, & welfare.”

  The art of politics is making people like you no matter what it costs them.

  People who think a tax boost will cure inflation are the same ones who believe another drink will cure a hangover.

  Bible says “ask & it shall be given.” Govt. says the same thing only Govt. has to take it away from someone else first.

  Keeping a budget balanced is a lot like preserving virtue—you have to learn to say “no.”

  A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush but it’s messier.

  Govt. is the wold’s 2nd oldest prof. but it has a lot in common with the first—both solicit money & you get just about the same thing for it.

  Father waking son—“Get up! When A. Lincoln was your age do you know what he was doing?” Son: “No but I know what he was doing when he was your age.”

  1st grader: Why does Daddy bring all that paper in his briefcase? Mom: Because he has so much to do at the office he can’t finish it all. 1st grader: Why don’t they put him in a slower group?

  Some of us would like to know if a teacher can hit a child on the hands with a ruler. I say she doesn’t have the right to—Maria. P.S. If my writing’s bad it’s because my hand is sore.

  You are doing a terrific & outstanding job—I’m proud you were elected Gov. of Ohio. This proves anybody can be elected.

  I am going to loose a tooth. My tchr. wants to pull it. I wont let her. I like it where it is—Nancy

  My daddy says since you became Gov. many things have changed. 2 ice cream men used to come down our street but not any more. One of the trucks was pulled by a horse. Did you take him to a racetrack or just change the streets they go down?

  Hywy. Dept.—signs be 7ft. above highway instead of 5. Raised signs at tremendous cost. Fed govt. would have lowered the pavement.

  Magician—boy on stage—“never hv. seen you before”—“no daddy”

  If money could talk—ask “what happened?”

  Good exec. never puts off till tomorrow what . . . can get someone else to do today.

  Hold up man—note—teller “Got gun give money.” She wrote “Kindly go to next window I’m on my lunch hour.”

  Play both ends against the taxpayer.

  When come to parting of the ways—try to go both.

  Practice pols. so that all paths of glories lead but to the gravy.

  He is usually mistaken at the top of his voice.

  Man of few words—never stops talking after he’s used them.

  The main prob. with teenagers is they are just like their parents were at that age.

  Want some free newspaper publicity? Do something stupid.

  They went beyond the call of duty—they wanted to get someplace where they couldn’t hear it.

  Woman home with pckg. Husband: “what did you buy?” W: “I don’t know what it is.” H: “Then why did you buy it?” W: “Because the man said you can’t get them anymore.”

  Heard of a man still has 1st $? This man has stock he bought when the company’s name was “General Candle.”

  Went for singing lessons said—“Don’t know what to do with my hands when I sing.” Have you tried holding them over your mouth.

  U. Prof. of Eng. told class he’d found one of the most elegant lines of poetry in the Eng. language. “Walk with light” (repeat). “Isn’t that a wonderful thing to say to someone?” Class agreed & asked who was . . . poet. Prof: “Anonymous . . . it’s written on a sign at the corner of 9th & Main.”

  Visiting friend asked wealth, soc. leader why he stayed in such a small one horse town. He said: “Because I’m the horse.”

  Tchr: “Not only is he the worst behaved kid in school—he has a perfect attendance record.”

  Things c
ould be worse—100 mil. Ams. don’t have driver’s licenses.

  Glossary

  Acton, John Dalberg (1834–1902): English historian with an interest in the American federal system. His extensive library was given to the University of Cambridge.

  Adams, Samuel (1722–1803): Second cousin to John Adams, politician in colonial Massachusetts, and one of the Founding Fathers of the United States.

  Adams, John (1735–1826): Assisted in drafting the Declaration of Independence. He was the second president of the United States, as well as a political theorist.

  Aesop (620–564 BCE): Greek slave and storyteller whose well-known fables, like “The Boy Who Cried Wolf,” are often used in the moral education of children.

  Amiel, Henri Frédéric (1821–1881): Swiss poet and philosopher who traveled widely and taught moral philosophy in Geneva. He is known for his book Journal Intime.

  Anderson, Maxwell (1888–1959): American playwright, poet, and author who founded the Playwrights’ Company.

  Antonius, Marcus (c. 83–30 BCE): Roman politician and general who supported Julius Caesar as military commander, started the Final War of the Roman Republic, and took Cleopatra as his lover.

  Aptheker, Herbert (1915–2003): American Marxist historian and political activist who most notably researched African-American history.

  Aristotle (384–322 BCE): Greek philosopher, student of Plato, and teacher to Alexander the Great. With Socrates and Plato, one of the founders of Western philosophy.

  Barden, Graham (1896–1967): Democratic U.S. congressman from North Carolina. He served thirteen consecutive terms in the House and chaired the House Education Committee and, later, the Education and Labor Committee.

  Bastiat, Claude-Frédéric (1801–1850): French liberal theorist, member of the French assembly, and political economist known for his clever attacks on policies enacted by states to protect themselves.

  Benton, William (1900–1973): U.S. senator from Connecticut and publisher of the Encyclopaedia Britannica. Active organizer of the United Nations.

  Booth, William (1829–1912): British Methodist preacher and the founder and first general of the Salvation Army, then an evangelist organization that turned humanitarian.

  Browning, Robert (1812–1889): Acclaimed Victorian poet and playwright known for his dramatic monologues. He influenced later poets with his method of building emotional sympathy for unsavory moral characters.

  Burke, Edmund (1729–1797): Irish philosopher, statesman, author, and orator known for supporting the American Revolution and opposing the French Revolution, as well as founding the philosophies of modern conservatism.

  Carnegie, Dale (1888–1955): American lecturer and author of self-improvement, sales, and business books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People.

  Chambers, Whittaker (1901–1961): American writer and editor. Once a Communist Party USA member and Soviet spy, he later renounced communism and testified in the perjury and espionage trial of Alger Hiss.

  Chesterton, Gilbert (1874–1936): English writer who critiqued both conservatism and liberalism. He also wrote fantasy and detective fiction.

  Churchill, Winston (1874–1965): British politician who served as the prime minister of the United Kingdom and led the Allied forces to victory in World War II. He was known for his oratorical skills and his wartime leadership.

  Cicero, Marcus (106–43 BCE): Roman theorist, linguist, and translator who introduced Romans to the schools of Greek philosophy. His correspondences with his friend Atticus introduced to Europe the art of letter writing.

  Conant, James (1893–1978): Chemist, government official, and president of Harvard University. He was known for reforming Harvard and making it a world-class institution.

  Confucius (551–479 BCE): Chinese social philosopher who emphasized morality in all worldly relationships. His teachings are found in the Analects of Confucius.

  Coolidge, Calvin (1872–1933): Thirtieth president of the United States, succeeding upon the death of Warren G. Harding in 1923. He was controversial for his downsizing of government programs and promotion of laissez-faire economics.

  Cotton, John (1585–1652): Core member of the New England Puritan ministers who was influential in shaping church structure and rules.

  Denning, Alfred “Tom” (1899–1999): British soldier, lawyer, judge, and mathematician. He became King’s Counsel in 1938 and campaigned against the common-law principle of precedent.

  Emerson, Ralph Waldo (1803–1882): American poet, lecturer, and transcendentalist who championed freedom and explored the spiritual relationship between man and the world.

  Frankl, Viktor (1905–1997): Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor who wrote the bestselling book Man’s Search for Meaning.

  Fulbright, J. William (1905–1995): U.S. senator who represented Arkansas. As a Southern Democrat, he opposed the House Un-American Activities Committee and established an international exchange program that now bears his name.

  Gandhi, Mahatma (1869–1948): “Father” of India, an honorific applied to him because he politically and ideologically led the movement for India’s independence from England. He advocated a particular method of civil disobedience known as satyagraha.

  Garfield, James (1831–1881): Major general in the Civil War and the twentieth president of the United States. He accomplished very little during his 200 days in office, and he was assassinated on July 2, 1881.

  Gladstone, William (1809–1898): British liberal statesman and scholar of Homer, known for his four terms as prime minister and his famous feud with Conservative leader Benjamin Disraeli.

  Goebbels, Joseph (1897–1945): German politician and minister of propaganda in Nazi Germany. He was the architect of the Kristallnacht attack on German Jews that precipitated the genocide, and he was famous for his oratorical skills.

  Gompers, Samuel (1850–1924): English-born leader of the American labor movement. He founded the American Federation of Labor and worked to raise wages for workers.

  Gromyko, Andrey (1909–1989): Soviet statesman through the Cold War. He was responsible for much of Soviet foreign policy, including the arms limitations treaties.

  Hamilton, Alexander (1755–1804): Founding father and economist. He wrote most of the Federalist Papers and was the first U.S. secretary of the treasury. He died in a duel with Aaron Burr.

  Hand, Billings Learned (1872–1961): United States judge and judicial philosopher who served on the District Court for the Southern District of New York and the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit. He is often quoted for his elegant legal thought.

  Hannah, John (1902–1991): President of Michigan State College (now Michigan State University) for twenty-eight years. He later became the head of the United States Agency for International Development (USAID).

  Harris, Sydney (1917–1986): American journalist for the Chicago Daily News and the Chicago Sun-Times. His column, “Strictly Personal,” was widely syndicated in North America.

  Henning, Jack (1915–2009): Former U.S. ambassador and undersecretary of labor. He was a defender of the minimum wage and civil rights.

  Henry, Patrick (1736–1799): Founding Father and leading anti-Federalist, he served as the first and sixth governor of Virginia. He is best remembered for the speech in which he said, “Give me liberty or give me death.”

  Hill, Benjamin (1823–1882): U.S. representative and senator as well as Confederate senator for the state of Georgia during the Civil War. He was one of few prewar politicians to achieve postwar success.