My So Called Life (Love Not Included Series Book 3)

by J. D. Hollyfield

I want to attack him for not telling me or stepping forward. But I want to offer acceptance for wanting me to be happy over his own wants.

  “Why?” I simply ask.

  “Why what?” he responds, fighting to catch his breath.

  “Why do you love me? Why do you care? Why have you ever cared?” I cry.

  “Because since the day I set eyes on you at fifteen, you’ve owned my heart. You did something to me that day. The look in your eyes. And I’m talking past the pain. My heart saw the beauty, and I was never able to look away. Whether you knew it first or not, our souls connected that day. And I don’t think they ever let go.”

  His confession is dead on. The tears pour down my face at the truth. He owns so much more of me than I have ever been able to admit.

  “I love you, Chrissy, the girl you were then, and the women you are now. And no matter what happens after this, I always will. It’s just my destiny.”

  Sometimes people use physical weapons to take a person to their knees. And sometimes it takes a verbal beat down to call it quits. That was it for me. His confessions. My begging heart. Both our wounded souls.

  I don’t know what gave in first. But I drop to my knees and place my tortured face into my hands and cry.

  I cry for everything I’ve been denied over the years. I cry for the time I’ve lost with my sister, and for the hurt and pain I’ve caused Ian. I cry for the life I will never be able to make up for and mostly for the person I’ve become, and the hatred I feel inside for turning my back to people who loved me most.

  I simply cry.

  Between sobs, I feel Ian’s presence. He doesn’t ask if it’s okay. He bends down and scoops me up into his arms. I don’t fight him this time. I cuddle more into his embrace and sob into his shoulder. He holds me tightly as he walks toward his truck.

  By the time we make it safely through the school grounds to the abandoned parking lot, I’ve calmed down. As I see his truck, I pull away from his shoulder and look at Ian. “I’m sorry,” I say. “For everything.”

  “You don’t have to be sorry, Chris, just tell me you’ll stay. Fill my heart for me. Tell me you’ll try and see what we can become.” He stops and sits me on the truck bed. “I don’t have any of those fancy things you’re accustomed to, but by all that’s holy, I will love you and cherish you. I’ve never thought of anything but doing that since the day you walked into my life.”

  His words are thick with emotion. His plea. His want. His promise. I look into the eyes of a man who should have been my destiny eons ago.

  I feel a part of me finally letting go. A demon I’ve fought for so long dissolves with the help of Ian’s promise. His vow to guide us both through the past, present and future.

  “I don’t want to be just your past.” I place my hands on each side of Ian’s face and give him a shaky smile. “If you’re up for the challenge, I want to be your future and your forever.”

  I would normally tell you that a man who loses his composure is weak. But seeing the breakdown of a man who’s finally granted a wish he’s been praying for since the day that wish walked out of his life—there is nothing more attractive.

  I make no comment as I feel the wetness coming from his cheeks as he kisses every part of my face. I say nothing as he hugs me like he might not feel this moment is real. And I say nothing as he lifts me farther into the truck bed, laying me on my back with the intention of making sweet, sweet love to me.

  “I will love you till the day I die, Christina Daniels. I will die loving you. And I will fight till my last breath to show you just how thankful I am that you chose me.”

  “Oh, Ian. It’s always been you. It was never about choosing. You’ve owned me just as much as I’ve owned you since that day in the cafeteria. I just pray you can forgive me for all the time I’ve caused us to miss.”

  “We have forever to make up for it, because I promise you, Chrissy, I’m never letting you go again.”

  “Say that again.” I replay the vow he once made me rehearse.

  “I’m keeping you forever.”

  “Again.”

  “Chrissy, I know you didn’t get to spend much time in my house, but I have a basement, so yeah. I plan on keeping you. No matter what.”

  At that we both laugh.

  “Can I kiss you now? Because I really need to kiss you.”

  “Have at it, handsome.”

  IT’S BEEN A FULL, crazy two weeks since that night by the swings. After Ian’s and my blowout fight, he did what any decent guy would do if they owned a truck and had a girl in an abandoned parking lot of the high school. He ravished me in the back of his truck like we were two love-struck teenagers. Totally crossing sex in public off my bucket list. He showed me that staying and giving us the chance we forever deserved would be the best decision I would ever make. And he was right. After seeing two orgasmic stars, we lay in the truck bed staring up at real stars and talked. Honestly talked. I explained to him what I went through when I left and arrived in California. It was hard to speak aloud the emotions that led me to that horrible night in the bathtub and even harder to see the wreckage in Ian’s expression as he sat silently and listened. I explained my next couple of years with my career and he explained his dull life without me. How he chose to pass on his academic scholarship and just finish out at the local college in Ashford. It tore at me to hear his story of loneliness and that he felt in his heart I would someday be his again. It is truly amazing how life works. He described how he casually dated but nothing ever felt right.

  With promises to take things slow, Ian and I made a pact not to give up on each other. He wouldn’t give up on me as long as I didn’t panic and run. And believe it or not, I haven’t attempted once. The day after our fight and best make-up sex in history, we sat Pippa down and shared our plans about the future for the three of us. We explained that we love each other very much and we were going to work very hard together to raise her to be beautiful and smart and someone her mommy and daddy would be proud of. That surely got us our squeal.

  It’s finally the night of the dance and I’m currently in the bathroom, blowing out my hair to its highest potential while Ian helps Pippa dress in her little princess costume. Since she owns more dresses than the queen herself, we thought it wrong not to allow her some time at the dance to show her pretty self off. Patti agreed to take her and get her tucked in for the night once it was her bedtime.

  With a final flip, I throw my wild red locks over my shoulder and take a good look at my smoking hot self. Going with the Casino Royale Bond girl look, I focus on smoking my eyes out, poofing my hair to its fullest, and slipping on my cream dress. The dress is very kid friendly, since it looks more like a jumpsuit than an evening gown. I allow my hair and makeup to set the theme. Once I’m done getting into character, I snatch my bag and head out to the living room.

  I notice Pippa first; she looks glamorous in her purple and silver Cinderella gown. Never without her crown, she dances in circles by the door, in her own little world. As I tear my eyes away from Pip, I catch sight of the most handsome living creature standing in a slick black tux, admiring the child before him.

  I must gasp aloud, or moan, because it catches Ian’s attention and he turns my way. His wild eyes crash into mine as he stares me down. Giving me the once over, his eyes burning into mine reveal that the last thing on earth he wants to do is step out in public at a dance. Instead, throwing me on the bed and eating me alive is more on his to-do list.

  “Wow,” he finally whispers.

  “Wow, yourself, handsome,” I reply.

  “You look . . . you look . . .”

  “She looks like a pwincess, Eeen!” Pippa does Ian a favor by cutting off his stutters and replying for him.

  “Yes, peanut, she sure does.” He doesn’t take his eyes off mine. He steps forward to take my hand. Once he laces our fingers together, he pulls me inward so our chests meet. He dips his head and places his lips just to the rim of my earlobe. I feel his hot breath hitting my sk
in and it’s no shocker my whole body breaks out in goose bumps.

  “What I wanted to say was seeing you in that dress makes me want you in the worst way. And it’s going to be a very painful dance before I get you home and do all the dirty things that I’m envisioning doing to you right at this very moment.” His whispered foreplay sends a kick-start to my lady bits. I try not to act fazed by his hot words but my eyes close on their own accord.

  His next move proves my weakness as he lays a gentle kiss to the back of my ear. His hand goes quickly around my waist, since he seems to know my body better than I do, and braces my lower back as my knees begin to buckle. He pulls his face in front of mine and chuckles. “You okay there, princess?”

  Phsst. Okay, I think I just got off on his words and may need to change my panties before we head out in public. “I’m just fine,” I choke out. My wet bits say otherwise. The body wants what it wants and I’m not sure it wants to wait until after the dance to be fulfilled.

  “Let’s go! Let’s go! The cawwage is waiting!” Pippa bursts out, breaking our psychological foreplay.

  “To be continued,” he whispers, and smiles again. I grin right back, because I always enjoy a good challenge.

  And with that, we head to the ball.

  YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW there was a plain old gym behind all these awesome decorations. Walking into the center, we are greeted by two kids, Steven and Jeremiah, dressed smartly in black tuxes, sporting top hats, and handing out pamphlets to the attendees. I notice Patti talking with some parents on the side and she excuses herself to scoop up an impatient Pippa and escort her to the dance floor. We continue to walk, a creatively constructed balloon arch forming a tunnel that leads us to the gym entrance. Once we get a good step inside the gym, we’re surrounded by black, silver and gold filling the space before us. From balloons and streamers to the kids’ artwork, to all the additional decorations I secretly ordered as a surprise, the place looks like a scene right out of a movie.

  Scanning the room, I see all the girls attired in assorted colored dresses. Remembering the looks on some of these kids’ faces as they tried on dress after dress with such excitement in their eyes warmed me. These are kids who would never have a chance to attend a school dance because they come from families who could not afford a dress or parents who don’t pay enough attention to realize they have kids with needs or aspirations. I secretly paid for all the dresses, so when the girls go to change into their street clothes, they’ll get yet another surprise that they get to keep the costumes they chose.

  What good is money when you don’t use it for good in the world, right?

  Walking into the gym, we head toward the left, which leads us to the concession stand.

  “Hey, Hillary.” I beam at her as we make it to the stand.

  “Hey, Ms. C. Wow, you look amazing!” She smiles at me. She looks at Ian, and of course blushes. I mean, who wouldn’t?

  “Um, hi, Mr. W.”

  Ian smiles kindly back. “You look beautiful tonight, Hillary. Thanks for all that you did to help with the dance.”

  His praise sends her cheeks ultra-red, and she dips her chin to hide her shyness at his compliment.

  “Thank you, Mr. W,” she mumbles to the floor.

  “So whatcha got here, Hillary?” I ask, looking at the set-up.

  She points out all the goods laid out on the table. “We have snacks, some popcorn and candy bars. Oh, and some punch, Ms. C.”

  “Awesome! How about two punches, please.” I hand her more than the cost of the two drinks. She hands us two cups and places the money into the homemade register box she constructed in art class. We turn to observe the scenery and spot Pippa breaking it down on the dance floor with Henry. “She sure is a hyper little thing, isn’t she?” I observe.

  “She never stops, that one. Never has. She always gave your sister and John a run for their money. If life didn’t require sleep, she wouldn’t take it.”

  “Or if we lived solely on cookies and pancakes she would outlive us all,” I comment back. We both laugh as we watch Pippa twist and spin around poor Henry, who looks close to passing out.

  All too quickly, our perfect view is obstructed by the one and only RBF marching straight at us.

  “Oh, boy, look—your captor has spotted you.” Ian laughs and puts his free arm around my waist. “Well, better hold on tight so she can’t snatch me and drag me to her dungeon.”

  “That or she’ll try to poison you Snow White style.” We both burst out laughing.

  As Amber approaches, her face falls. “And what’s so funny over here?” she barks directly at me.

  “Oh, nothing, Amber, just enjoying the dance, and you?” Ian asks, being polite. Mr. Hyde’s snarl fades and Dr. Jekyll’s smile appears.

  “Well. I’m fine thanks. Just making sure the kids behave. Maybe it would help if you two split up and monitored the floor so we can all keep this event clean.”

  Ian’s hold on me tightens while I fight not to burst out into a fit of giggles. “I think the turnout is going great so far. I can make some rounds,” Ian responds. “Amber, quick question though. Any chance, do you have a basement in your house or have access to one?” Ian asks.

  I, of course, choke.

  And spit punch all over poor Amber.

  “What the hell!” she screeches.

  “Oh, my God, I am sooo sorry.” I reach out to try to brush the punch splatter off her dress, even though I have juice dripping down my face. Ian is no help since he’s laughing into his cup.

  “What on earth is wrong with you?” She swats my hand away. “And no, I don’t have a basement in my home.” She definitely does not look happy at the punch splatter or the obvious inside joke.

  “Seriously, Amber, I’m sooo sorry, really. Let me help clean you up. Then I can buy you a cup of this great punch.”

  She provides me with her world-class eye roll and bitch face. “I don’t need your help. And certainly don’t need your charity. Plus, I made the punch. I know exactly how good it is.”

  Now that causes poor Ian to choke and spit out his drink.

  Obviously all over Amber.

  “You have got to be kidding me!” she shrieks. Ian looks partly mortified that he just projectile punch all over his associate, and partly disturbed, because I bet you some big ones, my poisoning comment just flashed through his head.

  “Oh, Amber, I’m so sorry. I’m not sure what just happened.” Ian attempts to save himself just as well as I did. Thankfully, Amber is done with us and right before she storms off, she spits daggers our way and poof, she’s gone.

  “Oh, my God, did that just happen?” I ask, staring at Amber’s stiff back fading into the crowd.

  “I’m afraid so,” Ian confirms with the same shocked face as me. “You don’t feel faint or dizzy do you?” He turns to me with that mischievous smirk on his face.

  “Not yet. But we should probably not split up in case we both go down.”

  “Agreed. How about we monitor the middle of the dance floor. And while we’re out there, maybe you can take me for a spin or two?” he suggests.

  “You’re on, pal.” I smile and he leads us to the garbage can. We both simultaneously toss our cups in the trash and make our way to the center of the dance floor. We wave at a few familiar faces, and once in an open spot, he pulls me close, wrapping my arms around his waist.

  Just like the movies, the moment we connect, a slow song begins to play around us. Ian lifts his hand to brush my wild hair off my shoulders. He places one hand around my quivering waist, his other behind my neck.

  No words are spoken for the first chorus of the song. Our skin touching sends volts of electricity throughout us both with every turn. We stare deeply at one another, our eyes telling a whole story.

  A story about young love, tragedy, and second chances. The story of us.

  Sometimes life doesn’t take you down the road you wish it to. Sometimes life reroutes you down a path that forces you to take a bit longer to find
your way to the perfect ending. I think life did that for Ian and me. Would we be in this spot if our story played out perfectly? Maybe. We both know we can’t rewind to the past. Nor can I take back my decisions. What I can do is promise that I am here now.

  As we dance, Ian looks at me like he is seeing me. The real me. The girl who once needed to run to find her sanctuary, and the woman who now holds strong to his love to ground her.

  Ian said once that soul mates cannot hide from one another. He used to tell me that no matter where in the universe we landed, he would be somewhere, always loving me. Even as kids, he never doubted his love for me. For us.

  “This kind of reminds me of my senior prom,” he says, cutting into my thoughts.

  “And how is that?” I wonder.

  “You and I dancing. No words. No cares. Just us. When I kissed you right on the dance floor and got us kicked out after refusing to unlatch my lips from your perfect ones.”

  The memory makes me smile. He had to force me to his prom. I didn’t have the money for a dress, nor did I want to deal with the stares of his classmates. The argument ended with Ian spending half his savings on the most beautiful dress for me to wear. All just to walk straight into the dance, heading to the middle of the dance floor. We had our silent conversation as we always do, and before the song even ended, he kissed me so passionately that it got us kicked right out of the dance. One song. That’s all we needed.

  “If I remember correctly, that dance lasted a whole seventeen minutes before Mrs. Ferguson dragged us both out by our ears,” I inform him.

  “And then I got to spend the rest of the night exploring the most beautiful thing that was ever put on this earth.”

  His words make me blush. That’s the night I lost my virginity. The night I officially gave Ian all of me.

  “I wish we could go back to that moment. When life was simple. And it was truly just us,” I confess. Because I never felt safer than in the arms of a person who’d laid down his life for me.

  “How about we pretend we’re back at that dance, at the part where I kissed you senseless.” He smirks, reminding me of that young age when our lips met, and our souls melded together as one.