There is someone. I knew it.
“I’m sure you want to see your family after being away for so long.”
He nodded. “Yes. I miss my family and my work and my wife-to-be, Alethia.” He sighed.
Her chest tight, Anna forced a smile. “Soon, you will be well and back to your life.”
“I hope so. I’m a teacher — a history teacher. I miss my students, but Alethia, I miss the most. She’s going to kill me when she sees me like this.” Daniel grimaced and moved.
“Wait. Let me help.” Anna stood up and braced him, her arms around him, pulling him up. The closeness made her mind go blank.
“Ah. That’s much better. Thank you.” He smiled at her as she released him and eased into her chair, afraid she would collapse.
“You’re welcome.”
“As I was saying, Alethia won’t be happy.” He sighed.
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t choose to be wounded.” Indignation filled her at the thought of the woman he loved being annoyed with him.
“No, but I did choose to fight. I could have stayed home.”
“I see. I suppose so.”
“Your people — they don’t believe in war, do they?” He pushed hair out of his eyes.
“No, not at all.”
He shrugged. “I understand that… now. I’m a Methodist, too, and I should have known before. Many of my people are pacifists. What I did was a sort of betrayal — fighting, I mean — even if the slaves should be free. I believe they should be.”
“We all must do what conscience dictates. God forgives.” Anna soaked in every word, wanting to know all about him. Admiration surged inside her for him.
Daniel is sure of his convictions and of whom he is, even if he is one of the world’s people.
“Yes, He does. He is good.” Daniel smiled. “And what about you? What have I pulled you away from these last few days, Anna?”
“Oh.” His words stymied her. “Just… beekeeping, nursing when I’m needed, and chores, really.”
“I see. I hope I’m not inconveniencing you. I hate being laid up as it is.”
“Not at all. It’s my… my pleasure to help you.” She lowered her gaze, embarrassment creeping over her.
“Poor thing. Then you must have few pleasures in life.” Daniel clicked his tongue.
“I wouldn’t say that.” She lifted her chin, meeting his gaze.
“Oh?” He raised an eyebrow. “What are the pleasures of this life, Anna?” His tone mocked her.
“Simplicity and fellowship.”
He shrugged. “That’s well and good, but I have those in my own life. What makes you happy about this life, Anna?” Daniel’s gaze met hers, unflinching.
“Dancing.” As soon as she had spoken the word, heat rose to her face.
“Dancing? Really? I had heard something about the Shakers and dancing.” He laughed softly.
“It’s holy dancing.”
“I see. I’ll have to watch this dancing some time.” He bit his lip.
Is he making fun of me? She balled her fists.
“You’ll be gone soon though, won’t you… Daniel?” She glared at him.
“Not so soon. I’m feeling better every day. I’d like to stay long enough to experience this… dancing.”
“Well, you won’t be dancing for a while yet.” Anna rose. “More laudanum?”
He shook his head. “No.”
“Then sleep.” Her tone was brisk as she paced the room.
“I’m sorry if I’ve offended you.”
“You haven’t.”
You’ve just made me more aware of my own doubts about this life.
“Good. Goodnight, Anna. I admire you and your community. I’m sorry for troubling you.”
Her back to him, she whispered, “You haven’t. Goodnight.”
****
The next encounter with Daniel held more of the same. When Anna walked into his bedroom that night, she was surprised to see him sitting up in bed.
“Feeling better?” She smiled, pouring him a glass of water.
“Much. Soon, I’ll be out of bed, I’d wager, and on my way.” He grinned at her. “The food here is wonderful, but I miss my mama’s cooking. I’m set to move out of her house and into the cabin I’m building come spring when Alethia and I marry.”
“Oh, I see. That sounds wonderful.” She closed her eyes, her back to him as she placed the water pitcher on the dresser.
“I think so. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. A wife, a few kids, some land and hills.” He paused and gave her a hard stare as she handed him a cup of water. His fingers brushed hers, and a tingle ran down her spine. “Thanks, Anna. And what about you? What are your dreams?”
She took a deep breath and gave him a small smile. “I’m not sure yet.”
“You are young. What… twenty?”
“Yes.”
“I’m twenty-one, but I guess my dreams have been sort of set in stone for a long time now that I think about it.” A small frown creased his face. “The war and being here is making me see that for the first time, but I don’t guess I’d change my plans.” He sighed.
“Oh.” Turning away from him she asked, “Is there anything else you need right now?”
“Yes, I’d like you to take a look at my dressing if you would. You are trained in nursing the people of your community, are you not?” His eyes sparkled.
He’s trying to embarrass me. “Yes, I am.”
“Good. The other sister dismissed my concern that something isn’t exactly right.”
Is he teasing me? Anna cut her gaze toward him and walked to the other side of the bed.
Daniel pulled the sheet down. “Thanks. I appreciate it.”
“Of course.” She moved his shirt out of the way, her face burning with the awkwardness of it and with her feelings for him. Her hands deftly loosened the bandages. She looked underneath them. The wound was healing nicely, closing up and looking less like a rainbow and raw gouge in pale flesh.
“See anything?”
She didn’t look at his face. “It looks fine to me. What seems to be the problem?”
“Intense… itching.” His gave her a sheepish grin.
“I see. That’s normal.” She bit the words out, angry at him for playing with her. He just wanted to see if I’d touch him. It’s a game to him — my innocence.
“Well, now I’m reassured about it. Thank you, Anna.” He gave her a slow wink, and she almost gasped aloud.
No man has ever done that to me… not since I was a child, and I don’t even remember if my father did in his more carefree days.
“My pleasure.” She popped her hand over her mouth, and Daniel roared with laughter.
“Oh!” Anna balled her fists, anger rising inside her. She stamped her foot as he continued to laugh. “Shh. The sisters will come to see what’s going on. You’re making a ruckus.”
He put a finger to his lips, still laughing, but silently, his body shaking. “Oh, that hurts,” he whispered.
“I don’t like being the brunt of your jokes.” She strode across the room, her back to him.
“I’m sorry, Anna. I couldn’t help it. The way you looked after you said that…” he trailed off, dissolving into silent laughter again, his face wearing a pained expression.
“Well, I hope you rip your stitches out!” She crossed her arms over her chest, glaring at him.
“Oh, that’s mean.” He grinned at her. “I really am sorry. It was just… endearing.”
Anna’s neck grew warm. “Enough. Let’s both try to get some rest.” She trudged back to the chair, collapsing into it with a sigh.
“Will do. Goodnight, Anna.”
“‘Night, Daniel.”
****
The week flew by, and before Anna knew it, Daniel was slated to go back home in one more day. The doctor had cleared him for travel and said he was on his way to a full recovery.
The day before he was supposed to leave, she moved through afternoon chore
s in a daze. Mary came by the house before worship.
“I hear the invalid is coming to worship tonight.” She rolled her eyes. “I’ve missed you, sister. You’ve been too busy with him.” She gave Anna a knowing look.
Anna ignored it. “Yes, he’s leaving tomorrow. I think he’s ready. He speaks often of home and of Alethia, his bride-to-be.”
“Ah, I see.” Mary helped her wipe down the kitchen.
“I’m sure they will be thrilled to see him.” Anna fought back tears at the thought of his leaving.
No one will ever know how I really feel about him. It’s my secret.
“Certainly. And you? How will you take it? Did you enjoy the job of caring for him?” Mary’s voice held an insinuating note.
“I am tired. I’ll be glad to get some real rest.”
“I’m sure. Here’s to life as normal again.” Mary grinned at her, throwing the rags in the waste pail.
“To normal life,” Anna repeated with a tight smile.
Chapter Four
Anna’s voice rose with the others as they sang the first hymns of the service. Daniel imagined he could hear it across the room. He didn’t hide his open gaze toward the women’s side of the church. He’d been lucky to get into the worship service. Many groups frowned upon outsiders in their midst. Since it was his last night with the community, they had welcomed him in.
Anna glanced toward him, a covert sideways glance. He grinned at her, and a pink flush colored her cheeks.
She’s lovely. I can’t believe she’s going to waste away here. A girl like her… ah, well. Not my problem.
He remained seated at the side of the room as brethren and sisters formed a circle, alternating the sexes in the rings.
Anna’s place was on the outer ring. She and the other women and men began to sway at first as they sang. Soon, they turned in a wild frenzy, shouting and speaking in tongues, or so he thought. He’d never heard it in person before.
He studied Anna’s face and movements, his throat growing tight as he gazed at her. She glowed like a singular blaze in that space, her graceful steps outshining all others. A smile lit her face, and she gazed toward the heavens. Then he sighed as tears shimmered on her cheeks.
Oh, Anna… why are you crying? Are you so in love with God and your brethren that this is the only ecstasy you need?
A strange feeling of loss gripped him, and he looked away from her until the dancing finally ended. He left as soon as he could, wanting only to put Kentucky, the war, and this community far behind him.
****
When ten-thirty came, Anna jumped out of bed. Then she stopped, listening to the silence of the night. That’s right. He probably doesn’t need me.
No one had bothered to tell her not to go to him.
She climbed the stairs anyway, hands trembling and heart fluttering. This way, I can tell him goodbye without others looking on. I don’t think I can see him off tomorrow… and keep my composure.
Anna didn’t knock on the door. She just walked in, feeling like a ghost, already dead.
“Anna, is that you?” Daniel’s whisper cut through the quiet night. She closed the door behind her, fear stealing over her.
What if someone finds me here tonight? I’m not needed anymore… not to care for Daniel. He’s not going to wake up in pain or needing water.
“Yes, I wanted to say goodbye — away from the crowd tomorrow. I’m not going to see you off in the morning. I get too emotional at those things…” Anna’s voice quivered.
“I understand. Come… sit by me.” His voice was still low.
So he feels it, too. That it’s not right for me to be here.
She shook her head, but he was unable to see her in the darkness. “I need to go. It’s not right for me to be here.” A tear slipped down her cheek.
“It is right. You’re my friend, Anna. You saved my life. I wondered if you would come to tell me goodbye. I’m so glad you’re here. Please come sit with me a while. What will I do without you to tell me goodnight?” His voice held a smile.
She glided across the room, her heart squeezing at the loss of him. He’s already gone… for all the good it does me to be here with him now. He belongs to someone else, and I’m part of this community.
“You’ll be fine. Going home will be such a blessing.” She slid into the chair next to his bed, her breath leaving her for a moment at how handsome he was — his hair glossy in the moonlight streaming through the window, his eyes glittering as he stared at her.
“It will, but I have experienced other strange blessings in the last week.” He sat all the way up in bed.
“I have, too. It’s been wonderful to see you heal. I rejoice that we were able to help you in your time of need.” Anna clenched her hands on her lap, biting her tongue against the flow of declarations that wanted to come out.
Daniel eased closer to her in one fluid motion. Before she could speak, he cradled her face in his hands. “Anna… if only.”
His lips on hers singed like fire. The gentle kiss released the dam of emotion she had held inside since the first day she had found him on the road, bloodied and pale. Tears slid down her face as she pressed into the kiss. His tongue against hers took her breath away. When he slid his hands through her hair, she came to her senses.
“No.” Anna wrenched herself away, using every ounce of self-control she possessed.
“I’m sorry.” Daniel released her chin gently and slid back into bed.
“I know. Goodbye, Daniel. I wish you all happiness. You’ve brought more to me than you’ll know.” She whispered the last sentence, too afraid to speak it aloud.
“Anna, oh, Anna.” His voice was like an anguished groan. “I want the same for you. Please be happy. If I knew you would be… that would be enough for me.”
She nodded. “I will.” Gazing at him for one more moment, drinking in his tousled hair and white overshirt, she committed him to memory. Then she left the room as silently as she had come.
****
True to her promise, she did not go out of the house the next morning to see Daniel Greenleaf off. Feigning illness, Anna stayed in bed. Her pallor and wretchedness made it easy to pretend there was some simple cause for her languor.
She lay in bed, her thoughts spinning, the memory of Daniel’s lips on hers replaying. If only I were just ill with some simple malady. I wonder if a heartbreak ever heals. It’s not like a gunshot wound.
She fell into true sickness by that evening, her fever high, her body wracked with chills. It was as if her heart dictated her body’s response.
The next day, Mary came to her bedside. “Sister Anna, how are you?”
“Not so good.” She forced a smile, her fever making her shiver.
“Oh, Sister Anna. Please, you have to try.” Her friend knelt by the bed, clasping her hand in her own. Tears stood out in her eyes.
“I’ll be fine. Just an end of summer flu or something.” She sat up halfway, her head spinning, Daniel’s face swimming before her vision. “See, I’ll be up in no time.” Anna forced a smile that felt unnatural.
“I hope so. I need you. We all do. Life will go on as it has before. You’ll see,” Mary whispered, squeezing her hand.
“I know. I’ll be all right. Just not feeling well.” Anna turned away, tears pooling in her eyes.
“I’ll check on you tomorrow.”
“I’ll be out of bed by then, I hope,” Anna whispered.
“Not unless that fever breaks, sister.” Mary patted her back, and the comfort of the gesture made the tears fall faster.
“Yes.”
“Don’t cry. Time heals all things, and so does our God.” Mary sighed.
How would she know? She’s never been in love… at least not that I know of. There’s little opportunity for it here as it is.
“He does. Thanks, Sister Mary. I’d like to rest now.” Anna squeezed her eyes shut.
“Of course. Goodbye.”
The door closed softly behind her friend, and
Anna took a ragged breath. The pain in her heart was unlike anything she’d ever felt. She wondered if the scars glowed on her chest since the organ itself felt as if it had been hammered to a pulp.
I’ll just have to go on… somehow. I only knew him for a week. How could his leaving hurt so much?
****
Anna forced herself out of bed by late afternoon the next day. The tears had quit flowing, and she’d replaced them with a steely resolve and new answers.
The thought hit her as she did chores before bed, falling into the rhythm of the work again. I know how much love can hurt now. I think it’s safe to stay a Shaker.
“Thank you, God, for your blessings. I’ll put my hands to work again with more gratefulness.” She prayed in bed later that night.
Peace came over her. Perhaps my broken heart will heal.
If she kept Daniel Greenleaf’s kiss from her mind, surely it would.
****
Late summer mellowed into fall, and the leaves on the trees morphed into shades of orange, yellow, and russet. The wind grew chill even as the cannons still roared nearby from time to time. Anna found some measure of contentment in waking later on the darker mornings. She woke on one such morning, sighing with pleasure as a golden sun lightened the dark sky.
Pulling her bonnet on, Daniel Greenleaf’s smile came to mind. She allowed herself a moment to remember the touch of his lips against hers, how he had wished her happiness. Then Anna pushed him from her mind.
It’s over, but I’m glad it happened. He’s probably a happily married man by now or on his way to being so with his dear Alethia.
She smiled and finished dressing, choosing a dark purple frock she had sewn a few weeks before.
And I am happy here in my place where the bees need me and so do the brethren.
The day passed in a blur of happy chores. She and Mary walked together in the late afternoon on their way to supper.
“I’ll see you at services.” Anna straightened her bonnet.
Mary smiled. “Yes.” She paused, biting her lip. “Sister Anna?”
Anna stopped. “Yes?
“You’re looking so well. It suits you. I think you’ve even gained a few pounds.”
Anna laughed. “Perhaps.”
A Forbidden Union Page 3