by RJ Nolan
Sam smiled, the warmth of her gaze like a physical caress. She laid a hand on Riley’s knee and stroked up her leg. When she reached the edge of the camisole, she ran the silky material between her fingers before releasing it and starting to slip her hand underneath the camisole.
Riley intercepted Sam’s hand and placed it back on the bed. Before Sam could protest, she leaned forward and took her lips in a deep kiss. She brought her hands into play, stroking Sam’s breasts as she continued to kiss her.
By the time the kiss broke, Sam was panting and her eyes were once again glazed with passion.
Riley clenched her thighs together, trying to stem the tide of her own rising arousal. Touching Sam, seeing her growing excitement, was fueling her own.
Sam wrapped her arms around Riley’s back and tried to urge her down against her.
Riley put her hand on the center of Sam’s chest and shook her head. “Not yet. Let me touch you.” She stared deeply into Sam’s eyes, willing her to comply. “I need to touch you.”
A shudder rippled through Sam’s body. Her eyes darkened to a striking bluish-silver. She held Riley’s gaze hostage for several long moments, then spread her arms out on the bed, palms up as if offering herself to Riley.
Oh. My. God. Riley’s clit twitched warningly, and she bit back a groan. She rose up on her knees and straddled Sam’s thighs, careful to keep their bodies from touching. Her panties were soaked through, and she knew if their sexes rubbed, she would lose it. She took her time, immersing herself in the delights of Sam’s body, exploring every dip and curve, first with her fingers and then with her mouth. Every sound of pleasure she coaxed from Sam’s lips pushed her own arousal higher. She licked the beads of sweat between Sam’s breasts, then sucked one of her nipples into her mouth.
“Riley.” Sam writhed beneath the onslaught, her eyes clamped shut. “Please.”
Riley reluctantly released the rock-hard nipple and moved off to her side, giving Sam room to spread her legs. Her fingers shook as she slid her hand down Sam’s firm abdomen; she moaned when her fingers slipped into the slick heat between Sam’s thighs.
Sam’s hips bucked. “Yes. Please.” Her thighs trembled. She clutched at the bedding as if trying to anchor herself.
Riley looked back and forth between Sam’s face and her own hand stroking between Sam’s thighs. The sight of Sam on the verge of orgasm was the most amazing thing she ever hoped to see. I never believed it would actually happen. She moved her fingers down and then hesitated, hovering outside Sam’s entrance. Not everyone enjoyed penetration. She didn’t.
When Sam’s eyes flew open, the raw need in them drove the breath from Riley’s body.
“Go inside.” Sam growled. “Deep.”
Riley shivered, and her hips thrust. She could no more deny her than she could stop the frantic beating of her heart. Riley thrust inside with a single deep stroke.
Sam groaned, and her body coiled tight.
Riley thrust again, as deeply as she could.
With an inarticulate yell, Sam’s body arched, her thighs clamping shut on Riley’s hand.
The feel of Sam’s internal muscles pulsing around her fingers triggered Riley’s climax. Her hips surged against Sam’s side, and she groaned. When Sam’s legs relaxed and the pulsations around her fingers ceased, Riley gently eased out.
Sam moaned, her muscles twitching. “What did you do to me?” Her voice was hoarse. “My muscles feel like they’ve turned to jelly.” She lifted a hand a few inches off the bed and let it flop back down. “I can’t move.”
Riley smiled at the dazed expression on Sam’s face. “You liked that, huh?” After tugging the sheet up to cover them, she moved up so she could put her head on Sam’s shoulder.
“That’s the understatement of the year. That was incredible.” Sam yawned. “Sorry.” She blinked several times, clearly struggling to keep her eyes open. She wrapped her arm around Riley’s back and drew her closer. “Just give me a couple of minutes, then it’s my turn. I’ll take care of you.”
Riley stiffened. Those were the words Linda always used as if it was an obligation she had to fulfill. That’s not what Sam means. Still, now that the words had been uttered, Riley’s insecurities about her body came roaring back.
Sam’s arm tightened across her back. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” The night had been amazing; Riley didn’t want anything to ruin it. She caressed Sam’s belly, trailing her fingers up and down in long, languid strokes.
Sam laid her hand on top of Riley’s and stilled the movement. “You’ll put me to sleep like that.”
That’s the idea. Riley raised up and placed a soft kiss on Sam’s lips, meant to soothe, not arouse. She tugged her hand free and resumed stroking Sam’s belly. “Just relax.”
“If I was any more relaxed, I’d be comatose,” Sam murmured, her voice growing thick with approaching sleep.
Riley smiled when she felt Sam’s body go lax and her breathing even out into the rhythm of sleep. Making love to Sam had been an incredible experience. She’d deal with everything else in the morning. Laying her arm over Sam’s stomach, she snuggled against her side and let sleep take her.
Chapter 45
Riley woke. After years of being on-call, she was either awake or asleep, never in between. Memories of last night flooded her mind. She glanced over her shoulder.
Sam was right behind her, lying on her side, with her back to Riley.
She eased away and sat up on her side of the bed. When she glanced at the bedside clock, she was surprised to find it was a quarter to eight. She had grown so used to rising early that she rarely slept in, even on her day off.
Sam grumbled in her sleep, rolled onto her back, threw an arm over her eyes, and kicked off the sheet. The pale morning sun, shining in through the partially open drapes, painted her body with a golden glow.
Riley’s gaze lingered on Sam’s nude form. The memory of caressing every inch of Sam’s beautiful body sent arousal surging through her. She pressed her thighs together. As if drawn by an irresistible force, she scooted closer to Sam and reached out to stroke her silky skin. And then what? Her hand froze in mid-air.
How are you going to put her off this time? She had no doubt that Sam would want to touch her. That will change fast once she sees you naked.
Looking down at her chest, Riley sighed. Her breasts were barely perceptible beneath the silk camisole. She surveyed the rest of her body, then gazed over at Sam in all her naked glory. Compared to her, she looked like a stick figure. Sam’s words to Darcy rang in her head. “I’m interested in women. I’m not into boys.”
Linda’s voice rose up to join the clamor. “One look at that body and no woman would want you.”
Riley’s insecurities descended with the power of a tsunami and threatened to drown her. Seeing the desire in Sam’s eyes disappear, or worse yet, see her try to fake being excited was more than she could bear. I’m the one who told her I just wanted to be friends. I should have stuck with that. Tears closed her throat. Now I’ve ruined everything.
Careful not to jostle the bed, she inched toward the edge, then stood. She picked up her clothes from the floor and slipped them on, keeping a close eye on Sam to make sure she didn’t awaken. Quietly gathering the rest of her belongings, she prepared to leave. Her shoes in one hand and her suitcase in the other, she stopped just shy of the door. Sam would feel like some one-night stand if she woke up and she was gone without even leaving a note. Riley couldn’t to that to her. She went to the desk and penned a note, then crept over to the bed and left it on her empty pillow. As she gazed down at Sam, tears trailed down her cheeks. I love you. She wished with all her heart that things could be different. I’m sorry I can’t be what you want.
* * *
Chilled, Sam groped blindly for the sheet. The light from the partially open drapes shone in her eyes. She rolled over to escape the brightness. More awake now, she was stuck by the realization that it was morning. She blushed. Oh
great. I fell asleep on her. That’s smooth. She opened her eyes and reached for Riley. Her hand encountered empty, cold sheets. She sat up and looked around the room.
There was no sign of Riley.
Sam rose naked from the bed and padded around the room. Riley’s belongings, including her suitcase, were gone. What the hell?
The chill in the air sent her back to the bed to grab the sheet. That’s when she spotted the piece of hotel stationery on Riley’s pillow. Her stomach sank. She gingerly picked up the paper as if expecting it to explode in her face.
Sam,
I care deeply for you. But I can’t do this. I’m sorry.
Riley
Can’t do what? Be my lover? That couldn’t be the problem. Last night had been incredible. Then she remembered Riley wanting to move out and end their friendship because of her fear of Sam’s job. So she makes love to me like that, changes her mind, and just walks away? No fucking way.
She grabbed her underwear off the floor and jerked it on. She would go after Riley and do whatever it took to make her see reason. As she shrugged into her ruined shirt, another thought intruded. Maybe this is for the best. You’ll just end up hurting her later.
Doubts began to assail her. She recalled her failed relationship with Christy and the tragic end of her relationship with Leslie.
Conflicting needs tore at her. As much as she was afraid of losing Riley, she couldn’t stand the thought that she might hurt her in the end because of her own inadequacy. Her breath came in short pants as she paced the room.
Finally, she forced herself to stop pacing. She needed help. It was a hard admission for her. She would call her sister. Sam knew there had been issues between Jess and Kim when they first got together. Obviously, they had worked things out between them, so maybe Jess would have some idea of how to fix things with Riley. Despite her fears, there was one thing Sam could not deny. She needed Riley in her life. She snagged her jeans from the floor and then pulled her phone out of the pocket.
Jess’s phone went straight to voice mail.
Sam cursed a blue streak when she remembered Jess was working today. She paced the hotel room. Now what?
Plagued by the thought that every minute she delayed, Riley was that much closer to San Diego, she debated between heading for her own apartment and trying to catch Jess at the hospital. Then her thoughts turned to Kim. She’d know how to handle this. Still, Sam hesitated to call her, reluctant to add any stress to her life now that Kim was pregnant.
Her fear of losing Riley won out. Kim was still working, so she must be okay dealing with these types of issues. Resolutely, Sam made the call.
Chapter 46
Sam glanced at her watch as she hurried toward the house. Dammit. The clock was ticking, but catching up to Riley wouldn’t do her any good if she didn’t know what to say. Thor’s booming bark announced her arrival. When Kim opened the door, he rushed toward Sam.
She took a moment to love on the big dog before turning to Kim, who tugged her into a hug.
“We’ll figure this out.”
She let herself sink into Kim’s caring embrace for a few moments before drawing back. “I’m sorry to drop this in your lap.”
“I told you over the phone, it’s fine,” Kim said. “Let’s go into the family room.”
After motioning Sam toward the couch, she settled into the recliner opposite the couch. Thor lay down at her feet.
Sam took Riley’s note from her pocket and handed it over before plopping on the couch. “What the hell do I do?”
Kim read the note. “What do you want to happen here?”
“I want this fixed. I want Riley to stay. I want us to be…” Lovers? Girlfriends? Neither of those things were possible. She threw up her hands. “I want things to be like they were.”
“So you want to be friends? And forget what happened last night?”
Sam hesitated. Heat rushed through her at the memory of Riley’s commanding touch. She had never given herself to someone like that. Hell, I even insisted on being on top the night I lost my virginity in high school. Could she live without that, without Riley ever touching her again or getting the chance to touch her? Old fears battled with new longings.
“Yes.” She fisted the hair at her temples. “No. But I don’t want to hurt her.”
Kim leaned forward. “Why would you being lovers and in a relationship hurt Riley?”
“I always screw it up. You saw how things were with Christy. I tried, but I just couldn’t be what she needed. Just the thought of committing to a woman, letting her take over my life, makes me break out in a sweat. That’s what happened with Christy. The minute we became exclusive, I started feeling smothered and trapped.”
“That doesn’t mean it will be the same with Riley,” Kim said, her voice soothing and calm.
Memories of Leslie rose up in Sam’s mind, threatening to overwhelm her. “It happened before. There’s something wrong with me in here.” She thumped her chest over her heart. “I’m just not capable of that kind of deep, committed love.”
“No, Sam,” Kim said. “That’s not true. You—”
“It is true. You don’t understand. It’s even worse than you know.” Sam wrapped her arms around her churning stomach and rocked back and forth.
“Then tell me.”
Sam gazed at Kim. Caring blue eyes regarded her. Tell her about Leslie.
“Help me understand.”
Kim’s neutral expression and non-judgmental tone gave Sam the courage to share the burden she had carried alone for so many years.
* * *
Kim tried to remain objective as Sam fought with her fears, but it was a losing battle. Sam was her sister-in-law, after all, not a patient. She rose from the recliner and sat down next to her on the couch.
Thor moved to Sam’s other side and settled on the floor at her feet. He put his big head on her knee, offering his own brand of comfort.
Sam stroked the big dog’s head and neck. “Thanks, boy,” she said, a catch in her voice.
Kim ran her hand up and down Sam’s back. She had never seen her so distraught and emotionally vulnerable.
Sam leaned into the touch. Finally, she straightened, leaving one hand on Thor’s head. “We met my second year in college. Leslie transferred in from a local community college. We ended up in several classes together and really hit it off. When she admitted to me one night that she was gay, I was thrilled. I was out and proud.” She smiled. “Did Jess ever tell you that I came out to our parents first?”
“Yes. She did.” And you’re avoidance coping. “But Leslie wasn’t out, was she?”
“No. She said her folks would never accept her being gay.” Sam’s expression darkened. “We should have just stayed friends.” Tension radiated from her.
When the silence lengthened, Kim said, “But you didn’t.”
“No. She was beautiful and funny, and I couldn’t resist. I didn’t find out she had never been with a woman,” Sam scrubbed her hands over her face, “with anyone until the first time we were together. I should’ve stopped as soon as I realized.” She flushed. “But I didn’t.”
“And afterwards?”
“After that first night, she slowly took over my life. If I was five minutes late calling her, she freaked out, convinced something had happened to me. If I went out with my friends, I knew I’d have to face her tears when I got back to the dorm. She begged me to move off campus, away from everyone. She wanted me to be her everything: best friend, lover, confessor, you name it. Every day that went by, I felt more trapped.” Sam sent Kim a pleading look. “Please understand; I cared about Leslie.” Tears glistened at the corners of her eyes. “I couldn’t be what she needed. That’s what I mean. There’s something wrong with me.” Sam pressed her palm against her chest over her heart.
Oh, Sam. That’s not true. There was more to this story. Kim was sure of it. Many people had been through a relationship where one person’s feelings were stronger than the other’s, and they
broke up. It normally didn’t cause this level of commitment phobia. “So you broke it off.”
“I tried to. Several times. But Leslie always got so hysterical I would give in and come back.” Sam hung her head. “Then it just… It was just too much. I couldn’t do it anymore.” She pressed her arms to her belly and rocked.
Kim scooted closer, draped her arm across Sam’s back, and clasped her shoulder. “What happened?”
“I was determined to end it. So I demanded the one thing I knew she would never do.” Sam’s shoulders shook. “I told her if she wanted to be with me, she had to tell her parents about us. I thought it was finally over.”
“But it wasn’t?”
“No. It took her two weeks, but she went home and told them.” Tears streamed down Sam’s face. “Her sister called me the next day.”
Kim braced herself, knowing that something very bad was coming.
“Her father,” Sam’s voice broke, “Leslie told her father and—” Her chest hitched. “He beat her to death.”
Kim pulled Sam into her arms and stroked her hair. Her eyes stung with repressed tears, not only for Sam, but also for the young life that had been so brutally cut short. “What happened to Leslie was horrible but it wasn’t your fault.”
“She died because I couldn’t commit to her.”
“No, Sam.” Kim tipped Sam’s chin up and made her look her in the eyes. “That’s not true. How Leslie acted when you were together wasn’t normal. That’s not how you treat someone you love. But this wasn’t about being committed to her. What happened to Leslie wasn’t your fault. Or even hers for that matter. Her father would have found out eventually. There’s nothing you could have done to change that. He murdered her. This is all on him.” She stroked Sam’s back, trying to soothe her. “What happened to Leslie is why you became a cop, isn’t it?”