Until You

by McNare, Jennifer

  She couldn’t speak, so she simply nodded her head in assent. Turning, her foot brushed against her forgotten nightdress. Picking it up she clutched it to her chest, inhaling the lingering scent of his cologne that clung to the fabric as she walked slowly toward the door.

  As he watched her walk away, he felt an unfamiliar ache in the pit of his heart that he refused to name or acknowledge. “Goodbye Nicholas,” she said quietly as her hand grasped the door handle, and then she was gone.

  Climbing the stairs, Ashleigh could feel the slight tenderness between her thighs. How was it possible that he was walking out of her life, when only minutes earlier their bodies had been joined in the most intimate way imaginable? How could he not see what they had, what they could have, if only he would let them? Sudden tears stung the backs of her eyelids, but she didn’t regret what had happened. It had been the most wonderful experience of her life and despite her aching heart; she would cherish the memory forever.

  True to his word, Nicholas left the following morning, having already departed by the time Ashleigh arrived downstairs for breakfast. Fortunately Madeline had left early as well, having gone to pay a call on one of her friends. As such, she wasn’t forced to hide her melancholy with false cheerfulness as she absently nibbled on a warm apple pastry, forcing herself to eat even though she had no appetite.

  She hadn’t slept well once she’d returned to her bed, tossing and turning fitfully until finally she’d drifted off to a restless sleep shortly before dawn. Though deeply saddened by Nicholas’ ultimate withdrawal, she still had no regrets. The intimacy they had shared had been glorious and perfect. The loss of her virginity was insignificant compared to the utter bliss she had experienced in Nicholas’ arms and she refused to feel shamed by it. Perhaps in time he would realize that she wasn’t like the women in his past, the women who had hurt him so deeply. If she gave him some time, maybe he would learn that he could trust her, and then perhaps he would finally be able to acknowledge his feelings for her. She knew it was unlikely, but she couldn’t help hoping nonetheless.

  Realizing that she needed to occupy her mind with something other than thoughts of Nicholas, she decided to go for a ride. Though she was slightly tender from her initiation into the realm of carnal pleasure, she knew she would go stir-crazy sitting around the house. Besides, she hadn’t ridden in several days and she missed it.

  Having changed into her favorite faded shirt and breeches, Ashleigh walked to the stable and made her way to Raider’s stall. Feeling guilty for neglecting him for so long, she gave him an extra handful of sugar cubes as one of the grooms went to fetch her saddle. She idly rubbed his sleek neck, lost in thought, only vaguely aware of the adoring gazes of the young stablehands as they watched her gently stroking the huge stallion’s silky coat.

  When she cantered out of the courtyard a few minutes later she felt her spirits lift, though her typical exuberance was a bit muted. She rode aimlessly for several minutes, having no particular destination in mind. Then, realizing that she was traveling in the same direction they had taken during the foxhunt, she decided to revisit the spot where Nicholas had first kissed her.

  A short time later she reached the shadowed clearing. Dismounting, she tied Raider's reins to a low hanging branch of a nearby tree and then purposefully made her way toward the large tree stump where Nicholas had spanked her for her supposed recklessness during the hunt. Sitting down upon the rough surface she glanced around and then closed her eyes as memories of that day and the others they had shared played through her mind.

  She wasn’t sure how much time had passed as she sat in quiet reflection, but when she eventually opened her eyes she thought she finally understood why Nicholas guarded his heart so carefully. Now she too had experienced the agonizing pain of love and loss, and it was a devastating feeling. However, unlike Nicholas she still believed in love, she still had hope. Perhaps it was foolish, but her romantic’s heart would never allow her to give up on the dream of one day achieving her happily ever after with the man she loved, not after last night.

  Shivering slightly as a cool breeze stirred the few remaining leaves in the trees, she glanced around. It would be winter soon. The nights were already beginning to grow cold, and soon the fireplaces would be kept constantly lit to stave off the chill. She hoped it would snow soon, for she had always loved the beauty of winter. The snow blanketed everything in a shroud of white, creating a sense of peaceful tranquility that she longed for, now more than ever. Her emotions had been rioting up and down so drastically for the past weeks that she needed some time to simply relax and let everything settle into place. And more importantly, some time to heal her ravaged heart.

  Hearing Raider nicker softly behind her she rose from her position on the stump, and after hoisting herself into the saddle she turned and left the clearing behind. This time however, as they exited the wooded area she didn't hold Raider back, instead letting the powerful stallion have his head. Leaning down low against his neck, her hair flying out behind her like a cloak of red and copper flames, she urged him on until they flew like the wind across the solid ground as they had done so many times before.

  Chapter 10

  Wham! Nicholas’ head snapped back from the jarring force of the blow, a sharp pain piercing his already tender jaw. He welcomed the pain, craved it even, knowing he deserved every bit of it and then some. He had been at Kingston's Hall nearly every day for the past several weeks in a futile attempt to divert his mind from the beautiful young woman he had left behind at Sethe Manor after thoughtlessly and selfishly taking her innocence. Recovering quickly, he swung his arm and his gloved fist connected solidly with his opponent’s ribcage. Every blow he gave and every blow he received was an attempt to drive Ashleigh, as well as his inner demons, from his thoughts.

  Several spectators had gathered around the ring, enjoying the match between the two tall well-muscled men. Nicholas was a frequent participant at Kingston's, however most of those present had never seen him enter the ring so often in such a short time, or compete with such seriousness and vigor. Normally the matches were a test of skill and physical fitness, in this instance however, the duke seemed to be waging an internal as well as an external battle they murmured amongst themselves, and all were clearly anxious to see the outcome of the match. Several even placed wagers on the conclusion, the smart ones betting on him.

  Eventually Nicholas had had enough and delivered a staggering blow to his opponent's chin. The man crumpled to the mat in a heap. Drawing off his gloves, he threw them to the mat and exited the ring without so much as a backward glance. He walked through the small crowd amongst cries of praise and congratulations, noticing as he did a good deal of money changing hands. He was glad at least someone had gained something from his performance in the ring, because he certainly hadn't. Ashleigh St. John was as much on his mind now as she had ever been.

  Despite the perpetual dawning of each new day and Nicholas’ repeated efforts to divert his thoughts, the following weeks seemed to drag on endlessly and before he knew it Christmas had crept up on him, seemingly without his notice.

  With only three weeks until Christmas, Sethe Manor was bustling with activity. The servants had painstakingly looped festive garlands around all of the staircase railings, while the doors and windows had been adorned with beautiful wreaths made of freshly-cut, highly-scented pine boughs. Holly, ivy and sprigs of rosemary peeked from every corner of the house, yule logs burned in the massive fireplaces and mistletoe hung in several archways, much to the delight of the unmarried footmen seeking to catch one of the housemaids unawares. Everyone seemed happy and full of holiday cheer, everyone except Ashleigh, who distracted and preoccupied with her thoughts, had difficulty embracing the spirit of the season with her usual enthusiasm.

  For the past several days she had been overcome by waves of nausea shortly after awakening, suffered unusual bouts of fatigue in the middle of the afternoons, and she hadn’t had her monthly flux since before her night with N
icholas in the library. No longer able to deny her suspicions, she had finally accepted the fact that she was going to have a baby. At first she had been terrified, but gradually her fear had turned to wonderment and eventually to joyful anticipation. She was going to have a child, Nicholas’ child.

  The only thing that dampened her increasing excitement was her trepidation regarding Nicholas’ reaction, as well as her grandfather’s. She had received several letters from the earl, postmarked from various locations, the most recent from Southeast Asia, but he still had unsettled business and wouldn’t be returning for several more weeks. Unfortunately, his ship had been caught in a vicious storm early in the voyage, sending the passengers and crew well off-course and causing a prolonged delay in his journey. With the ship heavily damaged, all of those on board had apparently sought shelter on a remote, sparsely inhabited island where they had been forced to remain for several weeks while repairs were made to the vessel, and thus he and his solicitors were woefully behind schedule. Much to his aggravation and disappointment, he didn’t expect to be back in England for another several weeks. As much as she wanted him home, she was inordinately grateful that he was alive and well after his harrowing ordeal, more than anything else.

  Of course, when he returned Ashleigh knew that he was going to be devastated when he learned of her condition, for if Nicholas did not marry her, which she would never force him to do, her child would be born a bastard and she would ultimately become a social outcast. Although she could live with her own public degradation, she couldn’t bear the thought of bringing dishonor upon her grandfather, nor could she abide the shame of illegitimacy that would be attached to the innocent child growing daily within her womb. As the days continued to pass, she realized that the time was nearing for her to make some very difficult decisions.

  Though her waistline was still flat, it was only a matter of time before the signs of her condition became visibly apparent. For Madeline’s sake, she tried to hide her growing apprehension, but she sensed the dowager suspected something was amiss, for Madeline Leighton was a clever woman with a keen sense of observation. She’d always suspected that Madeline knew that she had developed feelings for Nicholas, but she didn’t question her about it, and for that she was extremely thankful. For despite their friendship and Madeline’s obvious affection for her, Ashleigh could not yet bring herself to confide in her about her unrequited love for her grandson or her present condition. She hadn’t been able to confide in Tiffany either, so for the time being she faced her predicament alone.

  Opening the letter that had just arrived from Sethe Manor, Nicholas was seated in virtually the same position he had been in when he’d read his grandmother’s note informing him that Ashleigh St. John was to become a guest in their home. Now, scanning the lines of his grandmother’s most recent missive, he sighed in resignation. She was expecting him home for Christmas, and if the tone of her letter was any indication, she was none too happy with the length of his recent absence. He had hoped that if he’d waited long enough, Ashleigh’s grandfather would have returned and she would no longer be residing at Sethe Manor. However, after reading the remainder of his grandmother’s letter, he realized that wasn’t the case. Unfortunately, unless he wished to further displease his grandmother, he was going to have to return to the country soon.

  Only a day after Madeline Leighton had dispatched her letter to Nicholas, she was pleasantly surprised to see her grandson striding into the front hall. However, it clearly wasn’t the grandson she had been expecting. Arms outstretched, she crossed the marble floor to the handsome young man who immediately lifted her right off her feet, embracing her in an enthusiastic hug much to the amusement of their butler and several footmen, before setting her back down and planting an affectionate kiss upon her brow.

  “For heaven's sake, Brendon, you have likely just destroyed an hour of poor Edith’s work,” she declared breathlessly, dramatically patting her still perfectly coiffed hair, though her smile was wide and completely devoid of censure.

  “I've missed you, Grandmother,” Brendon Leighton declared, as he placed an affectionate arm around her shoulders, leading her into the front parlor.

  “Why didn't you let us know you were coming home?” Madeline asked, as he steered her to one of the silk covered settees.

  “I wanted to surprise you of course,” he grinned impishly as they sat down. “I have brought home an entire shipload of presents for everyone, including a special gift for Nick. Where is the old man anyhow?”

  “I am afraid your brother is still in London,” replied Madeline with a sigh of irritation.

  Brendon eyed his grandmother curiously. “I would have stopped by the townhouse when we docked, but being so close to Christmas, I assumed he would be here.”

  As Ashleigh entered the front parlor, intending to retrieve the book she had been reading earlier, she stopped short when she realized the room was occupied. Her heart nearly missed a beat when she saw Madeline sitting next to a large, dark-haired man on the sofa. At first glance she’d thought it was Nicholas, but then quickly realized that the man sitting beside Madeline must be Nicholas’ younger brother, Brendon.

  “Excuse me, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Ashleigh said, glancing apologetically toward Madeline.

  “Ashleigh dearest, come in and meet my grandson,” Madeline said, eagerly beckoning her forward.

  Brendon had already risen from his seat and was looking at Ashleigh with a mixture of what she could only think to describe as surprise and lascivious delight.

  “Brendon,” Madeline continued, “this is Lady Ashleigh St. John. She is the granddaughter of my dear friend Searle St. John, the Earl of Dexter, and to my absolute joy she has been staying here while he has been away on business.”

  “I am delighted to meet you, Lady St. John,” Brendon replied, lifting Ashleigh's outstretched hand to place a perfunctory kiss upon the back, but at the last minute he turned it upward and planted a feather soft kiss upon her smooth inner palm instead.

  Ashleigh started in surprise at the unexpected action and then nearly laughed aloud when Brendon gave her a playfully seductive wink. Goodness, she had thought the Earl of Chesterfield was a charming rogue, but in comparison to the handsome and audacious young rakehell before her, Alex could pass for a choirboy. For the first time in weeks she felt genuine amusement and an absolute sense of delight. Noting Brendon's sudden disgruntled expression, she had to put her hand against her mouth to stifle her mirth, fairly certain that the dashing young man wasn't accustomed to his seductive charm triggering amusement of all things.

  However, a moment later, Brendon’s disgruntlement turned to amusement as well and he immediately gifted her with a sinfully enchanting smile. “At long last, a challenge,” he murmured under his breath, though loud enough for her to hear. And then he began to chuckle, which in turn caused Ashleigh to release her own delicate laughter.

  Madeline looked between the two of them in utter bewilderment. “What on earth is so amusing?” she inquired inquisitively.

  “My apologies, Grandmother, it was nothing,” Brendon replied, giving Ashleigh a secretive wink.

  Ashleigh merely shrugged her shoulder as she regarded Madeline with a bright smile. It was the first time in a long while that she had laughed with any real feeling, and it felt wonderful.

  Madeline looked curiously between the two, but apparently decided to let the matter pass. “Ashleigh dear, do come and sit down,” she said, patting the seat beside her. “I want you and Brendon to become better acquainted.” With Madeline looking toward Ashleigh, the duchess missed the wicked lift of Brendon's brows and the rakish grin that lit up his features at his grandmother's comment. “But first, I would like Brendon to indulge us by relating the tales of his recent voyage,” she said, with an affectionate smile toward her youngest grandson.

  “Of course, Grandmother, it will be my absolute pleasure to indulge you and Lady St. John in anything you could possibly desire,” he quipped, looking p
ointedly at Ashleigh.

  Grinning, Ashleigh knew without a doubt that she and Brendon Leighton were going to get along famously.

  Over the next several days, Ashleigh spent nearly all of her free time in the pleasurable company of Nicholas’ younger brother. Brendon was a delightful companion; intelligent, outgoing, wickedly charming, and nearly as handsome as Nicholas. And much to her surprise, he displayed none of the wariness and reserve that was so evident in his brother, a circumstance which she found extremely refreshing. If only she had fallen in love with Brendon, her life might have been so much easier. But despite her fondness for him, Brendon didn’t set her heart aflutter as Nicholas did. She considered him a friend, nothing more. They played chess, poker, and backgammon, held snowball fights in the rear garden and rode together every morning after breakfast. She continued to don her breeches when she rode, and unlike Nicholas, Brendon seemed to appreciate her reckless streak, praising her for her unconventional behavior.

  She knew that Brendon was attracted to her as well, and it wasn't just because of his playful flirtations. She often caught him looking at her in the same way she had often looked at Nicholas, completely captivated. When he made subtle romantic advances toward her, she did her best to rebuff him as gently as possible, often teasing him to redirect his attentions. They were both young and attractive and got along so well, she knew he didn't understand why she deliberately kept him at an emotional distance. She wanted to explain, but how could she tell him that she was in love with Nicholas, and even now carried his illegitimate child?

  Chapter 11