A Little Bird Told Me

by Marianne Holmes

  ‘You haven’t finished unpacking,’ he says, pulling his head out from under the stairs. When we get back to the kitchen again, it seems natural to open the back door and let him bound into the garden. Then he’s off again checking the boundaries, tugging at the latch on the gate and the rusting padlock on the shed. I can’t help laughing out loud, and the noise of it stops him. I knock a few brown leaves off the bench and sit down waiting for him to come back from the bottom of the garden. If it wasn’t for the warm mug in my hands, it would be too cold to sit here.

  ‘That was a pretty thorough tour.’ Danny’s head hangs down and as he slouches against the house wall. I have to twist sideways on the bench to look at him. The light is fading, and he’s almost hidden in the dark corner made by the kitchen jutting out.

  ‘Won’t your dad be wondering where you are?’ His long fringe shakes.

  ‘He’s in the pub.’ Ah.

  ‘So, did you make friends with Michelle in the end?’ He pushes himself away from the wall and perches on the end of the bench so that his face is visible.

  ‘I’m not friends with her. She’s fucked up, she is.’

  ‘Oh, it looked like —’

  ‘Nah. Anyway, she’s a faker and a bully.’ Danny is leaning forward and the skin on his face crumples.

  ‘She bullies you?’ I sound like I don’t believe him. I regret it immediately because the hurt and shame is vivid on his face. I remember when the heat of that shame burned in my own cheeks.

  ‘You expect I’d just give her a tap?’ His chin sticks out and I wonder what advice he gets from his father. ‘Typical, I know what you’re thinking.’ His hand is almost out of his pocket, and I ready myself when Kit pops his head out of the back door and flicks on the outside light.

  Danny stands, makes another quick scan of the garden. ‘Gotta go.’

  He nods to Kit and twists past him into the kitchen. When I hear the front door close, I pick up my empty mug from the bench and carry it back inside too, locking the door behind me.

  ‘What was he doing here?’ Kit says and pulls out a chair. He helps himself to the bread and chicken that’s still on the table.

  ‘He was cold and hungry. Michelle literally pushed him into my path,’ I say. ‘Which is strange because I thought it was Danny that —’

  Kit sighs. ‘Not this again.’ He stands and goes to the fridge, moving the contents around until he finds a jar of mayonnaise and sits back down. A glutinous blob of it drops on to the strips of chicken and Kit presses another piece of bread on top, raising the lot to his mouth and ending any conversation.

  ‘Fine,’ I say. I know that when Kit has finished his sandwich, he’s going to get up from the table, drop the plate into the sink, and wash his hands before going up to his room. I start to wash up so he can’t see how very close to screaming I am.

  Neil is in the lounge with a map of the farm spread out on the floor when Carol knocks on the door. Her mac is tightly belted and her make-up immaculate.

  ‘Is Neil here?’ she asks. I gesture to the lounge and step back to let her in, but she just folds her arms and leans forward so she can keep her voice low. ‘You do realise people are beginning to wonder what’s happened to him?’

  I raise my eyebrows. It hadn’t occurred to me that anyone’d be keeping an eye on Neil. I don’t answer.

  ‘Don’t you think he should be allowed a bit of a life?’ Her voice is measured and reasonable, but her eyes are bright, and, in my head, I can see my school bag flying through the air.

  ‘Look, take him if you want him for something.’ I certainly don’t need Carol on my back — not this time.

  Carol sighs. ‘Look, he’s only here because Kit asked him to keep an eye on you. Everyone knows that. You need to give it up, you’re never gonna find anything anyway.’

  That’s not the only thing she’s telling me to give up. My heart sinks as I realise nobody cares if I fail, and I feel irritation itching under my skin. Carol looks down at the hand at my waistband.

  ‘What’s it got to do with you?’ My voice is raised, and I don’t care. I’m tired of feeling so alone, of having to co-operate with Neil, to step lightly around Kit.

  Neil comes out of the lounge. Carol looks at him and shrugs, like she’d been expecting my outburst. They exchange a look, a private to and fro of meaning that hurts. And that makes me angry too.

  ‘Hey, Carol, what’s up?’ Neil steps between us.

  ‘Well, I know you’ve been trying to help out here,’ she nods at me, ‘so I thought I should warn you that the parole hearing’s been brought forward. Looks like she won’t be safe here much longer.’ A little smile creeps across her perfect face.

  ‘Oh, right, you just came to help?’

  Neil puts a hand on my arm.

  ‘Suit yourself.’ Carol pulls the belt on her trench tighter. ‘You know, you’re not the only person he’s hurt.’ There’s a trace of real pain in her voice, and I feel ashamed. She’s got her own reasons to hate that man, and that’s probably down to me too. She throws a pleading look to Neil, as if he might back her up. He says nothing.

  The disappointment in her eyes is raw, and I feel a pang of guilt. She turns away and walks down the path without looking back.

  I pull my arm away from Neil.

  ‘You don’t need to stay. I’m quite alright on my own.’ I walk back into the lounge. I have the keys from Mum’s bag in my hand by the time he walks in after me. I wave them at him, ‘Keys for the farm. Nobody will have changed the locks.’

  Neil looks like he’d rather not talk about the keys. I hold his gaze without smiling for what feels like an age.

  ‘Look,’ Neil’s told me all this before, ‘the farm was searched at the time. She’s not there.’

  I find the passage in Mum’s letter that I want and show it to him. ‘She didn’t write this ’til after she’d been there with your dad. So, they might not have thought to search there.’

  He sits down, and I watch him read, one hand to his forehead, the other spreading the paper flat.

  When your daddy was a boy, he had a puppy, a stray that he found walking along the side of the road. He fed that dog from his own plate, brushed out his fur with his own comb and taught it to walk to heel and shake a paw. Grampy ignored it until one day when he was out checking the pregnant ewes and he found one had miscarried. He told your dad to get rid of the dog. When your dad refused, Grampy went back to the house, got his .22 and shot the dog between the eyes.

  I can see he’s choosing his words carefully. ‘If she’s there, after all this time … do you really want to be the one to find her? She won’t look like the photograph.’ He swallows. ‘By now, the decay …’ His face is screwed up with concern.

  I can’t think about this. It creeps into my dreams and I wake up sweating.

  ‘I have to know.’

  ‘What if he was telling the truth? She did leave. She was never found because she’s far away?’

  This thought has occurred to me too. That she’s alive and well somewhere else, like Danny’s mum, and every time I think it my heart leaps until I remember that it means she chose to leave us.

  If Neil thinks this might be better for me, he’s wise enough not to say it.

  I shake the keys.

  ‘I’m fed up sitting around. If you don’t want to come with me, I’ll go on my own.’

  Chapter Eleven

  1976

  We’ve been grounded again, and Kit is furious. I don’t know whether he’s more cross with Mum or me, but he bashes about the house, closing windows to make us sweat and turning the radio and TV up to top volume. Right now, he’s hanging out of Mum and Matthew’s bedroom window shouting across to Neil. Mum has taken to wearing the big fat headphones from the stereo as she wanders around, the cord bouncing in the air behind her like a serpent.

  It has been like this since Mum found out about the St Christopher. She keeps saying things that don’t make any sense and constantly packs and unpacks as if she is pr
actising for the sort of challenge they have on the Generation Game. She has me and Kit running around fetching things and then putting them back and then getting them out again. In the evenings, she and Matthew argue, and the only person Mum will let in the house is Eva even though, whenever she comes, Mum seems sadder and sadder after she’s gone.

  I am sitting on my bed reading when I notice that there is a noise outside in the garden. I can hear Kit shouting out of the window to Neil, so I assume that it’s Mum. She doesn’t sit in the garden very much now. Mum says it’s too hot, but I think she just doesn’t want to leave the house. It feels like we’re hiding out, but not in a fun hide-and-seek sort of way.

  The sound is closer now, more like something scraping on the wall which doesn’t make sense. I walk over to the window and climb up on to the window seat. A face appears in front of me. I open my mouth to scream but the man reaches in and grabs me, his face so close to mine I can feel the heat of his breath on my skin. The Cowboy stays like that until I close my mouth and he nods. I stand very still. He lets go of me to swing a leg over the windowsill on to my window seat and pulls himself in.

  ‘No need to cry out, kiddo, I’m not going to hurt you. Anyway, I don’t think there’s much point screaming what with the size of those headphones she’s wearing and the noise that brother of yours is making.’ He looks away from me and around the room and I gulp in a large breath even though doing it makes me start to shiver.

  ‘Well, isn’t this all perfect for a little princess?’ He waves at the neat shelves with my books and dolls and my collection of gonks.

  ‘Why didn’t you knock on the door? Are you afraid my Mum will see you?’ I step away from the window and sit on the edge of my bed, tucking my shaky hands under my legs so he can’t see them.

  ‘No answer, too much racket. Besides I just wanted to see you.’

  He sits on the end of the bed beside me so that the mattress sinks under his weight, and I start to slip towards him. He pulls out a metal lighter and a packet of cigarettes from his top pocket.

  ‘You can’t light that! They’ll smell it,’ I say. I know it’s not right for him to come through my window without Mum knowing, and I’m sure she’s going to be cross with me. He tucks the lighter and cigarettes back into his pocket.

  ‘Smart thinking, kid. Let’s keep this visit our little secret, shall we?’ His face is a dark space under his hat with the light streaming in through the window behind him. He turns to me waiting for an answer and I see his eyes flash blue. I try to run to the door, but he is up and there before me, shaking his head. He leans back against it, one leg over the other so that only the very tip of his boot rests on the ground.

  ‘Oh, come on, I’ve brought you something.’ He pulls out a package that was tucked under his arm and tosses it on to my bed. ‘Have a look at that and tell me if you still think I’m a Nobody.’ His lips curl away from his teeth when he says that. I want to call out, but I don’t know what he’ll do if I try. And I do want to know what it is. I walk over to the bed and unwrap the material. Inside is a handbag.

  ‘Go on, open it up,’ he says. I unclip the clasp and peer in. He watches me and nods. I pull out a wallet with a driving licence and a photograph that has been folded in two and tucked inside the notes section, a bunch of keys and, nestling in the folds of the material at the bottom, a silver bracelet.

  I lay it all out on the bed and the Cowboy goes back to the window seat and watches. I look at the driving licence and see the name Jemima Carson and the address on it is Valley Farm.

  ‘Did her name used to be Carson?’ I ask. He nods. Then I pull out the photograph. The paper is soft and faded along the creases. It is of two girls a few years older than Kit. They have an arm around each other’s waists and are laughing at the camera. I look hard at the photograph and then back at the Cowboy. He nods, ‘Yes, indeed, a photograph of your mother. Now, would a “Nobody” have that?’

  ‘Are you a friend then?’ I look back at the photo. ‘Is this Valley Farm? I didn’t know she lived on a farm, I thought she hated the countryside.’ I put the licence down beside the photograph. Then I pull out the keys and the bracelet and something occurs to me.

  ‘Did you steal this?’ I say. ‘Is that why she’s mad at you? She’s got a new licence so she’s not gonna pay you to get this one back.’ He laughs like I’m an idiot. I drop the keys on the bed and jump up and shout for Mum.

  ‘Haven’t you worked it out yet?’ My stomach turns over, and I can see Kit shouting at me and calling me ‘stupid’ and ‘thicko’. ‘I mean, we’ve got a connection, haven’t we, little Robyn, you and me? It’s not right to keep us apart, is it?’ He walks over and reaches for me, and I scramble over the bed and knock the lamp off my bedside table. It crashes to the floor. His eyes crease up but not in a smile, and I wedge myself down by the wall unable to move while he blocks my way out.

  Then the door to my bedroom opens, and Kit is standing there. He looks from the Cowboy to me and starts shouting for Mum, running back towards the stairs. I get up and try to run for the door. For a moment, I think the Cowboy is going to follow Kit, but now I can hear Mum’s footsteps on the stairs and she is shouting at the top of her voice. The Cowboy turns back towards me on the bed, and I put my hands up to ward him off, the chain of the bracelet swinging against my wrist. He has almost reached me as the bedroom door opens, but he stops and runs to the window. He vaults over the sill, leaving one hand on the wood, white-knuckled, before dropping straight down into the garden. When Mum gets into the room, I rush to the window with her, and we are just in time to see him turn around the corner of the house by the bins.

  ‘What on earth?’ says Mum, and then she sees the bag and wallet on my bed, and she screams. She runs back down the stairs and out the front door shouting and yelling all the way.

  ‘Leave them alone, you bastard. Come and face me!’ I hear, but by the time we follow her down to the front garden, she is standing alone staring after a green car that is taking the corner at the end of the road in a cloud of smoke.

  Sergeant Cadogan is checking all around the house even though Mum has told him that the man has gone now. This is ‘Proper Procedure’ he says and without it there is no ‘Proper Policing’. Mum didn’t even snort when he said this but just kept following him around saying scary things about the Cowboy.

  Eventually, they come upstairs. Kit is sitting in the corner of my room holding the photograph, and he won’t talk to me. When Mum comes in, she points to the bag on the bed. ‘You see,’ she says to Sergeant C, ‘there’s the proof that he’s been here.’ Sergeant C walks to the window.

  ‘He came in through here?’ He is looking at me when he speaks, so I nod. ‘And he went out through the window too?’ I nod again. Sergeant C kneels on the window seat and leans out. He turns to Mum, ‘Well, the first thing I would suggest is not leaving your ladder out. Get it into the shed.’ He makes that kind of adult sigh that means he’s very disappointed in Mum and then walks over to the bed. ‘What are these then?’

  Mum shows him the bag, keys and driving license.

  ‘I left it all behind. There was a photo in the wallet too.’ I point at Kit, and Sergeant Cadogan walks over and crouches down beside him. The bracelet is still in my hand.

  ‘Son?’ he says and puts a hand on Kit’s shoulder. Finally, he looks up at all of us and hands Sergeant C the photograph.

  ‘Look, there’s Mum!’ I say. Sergeant C looks at it closely and then back at Mum and says nothing. Kit has slumped over his knees and Sergeant C slips on to his bottom beside him.

  ‘Did he hurt you, Christopher?’ Kit shakes his head. He looks shrunken as if someone has deflated him.

  ‘Did you recognise him?’ Kit nods.

  I don’t know why Kit’s getting all the attention when it was me the Cowboy wanted to see. ‘He came into my room, not his. Why are you asking him?’ Mum puts an arm around me and I shake it off. I slip the hand with the bracelet into my pocket and let it slip through my f
ingers. ‘I’m the only one he talks to!’

  Sergeant C looks up from the photograph to me and then back again and frowns. I think he’s going to keep ignoring me and then he holds up his pen and notepad and says, ‘Right, you’d better tell us what he said then.’

  Mum walks over and takes the photograph out of Sergeant C’s hands and tucks it back into the wallet as though she is just tidying up.

  ‘Well, not much — we were interrupted,’ I give Kit my best Paddington hard stare. ‘Just that this proves he’s not a Nobody, like she said.’ I wave at the bag while I try and think of his exact words but all I remember is the punch of fear I felt when he appeared in the window. I chase the memory away. ‘If he’s not important how come he had all this stuff? He’s not a Nobody, is he?’ I fold my arms and look at Mum, and I think I already know who he is, and I don’t know why everyone keeps lying to me.

  She never said we weren’t allowed to see our dad. I think about what she has told us about him but there’s not one thing that I can be sure is definitely true. But she definitely never said we couldn’t talk to him if we saw him.

  ‘You do see it’s a threat, don’t you?’ Mum is saying to Sergeant C. She is crossing backwards and forwards between the bed and the door. I am pretty bored of being ignored now and wonder if they’d notice if I climbed out the window too. I walk over to the window seat next time Mum moves out of the way and lean out.

  ‘A pretty clear one, I would say.’ Sergeant C gets up off the floor and looks down at Kit. ‘Interesting that he doesn’t talk to Christopher. He was, what, three years old when you got here?’ He looks at me and shakes his head a little as if he knows exactly what I’m thinking, and I flump into the cushions. ‘I’ll have a look for this green car in town and then head out to,’ he picks up the driving licence, ‘Valley Farm. Is that where I’ll find him?’

  Mum shrugs and spreads her hands out. She can’t speak because she is chewing her bottom lip hard, and I don’t think she’s really listening.