"Marie told me I would find you here," Cora entered the kitchen, a smile on her face, which faltered when she saw the frown Annie was wearing. "Is something the matter Annie?"
"No," Annie turned away, "Just too much work on the farm. I'm so tired Cora. It's as though even when I go to bed and sleep, I wake up still tired. And the cold gray weather is not helping much either." She hoped Cora would accept the explanation.
"You poor girl, your sunny disposition will be back before you know it as the winter loosens its hold. It's a good thing that seasons come and go, and spring is but a few months away." She pulled out a chair and sat down. "And I for one am glad that seasons don't last forever because this child," she pointed at her visible pregnancy," is sapping the life out of me. I wish men would get pregnant so they could know what we have to go through to bring their children into this world."
Even as she said it there was a dreamy expression on her face. Her husband had been ecstatic when he found out that she was going to have a baby and he'd not stopped fussing over her ever since.
In fact, that's one of the reasons why she liked coming to Annie's house these days. As well as visiting her best friend, it also gave her the chance to hide from her overindulging husband. She also wanted to share her happiness with Annie because that's what close friends did; they shared the good and the bad and provided support to each other when it was needed.
Cora didn't realize that Annie was looking at her with a hard expression in her eyes because she was so involved in rubbing and looking at her growing stomach. She felt a slight flutter and laughed, "Oh Annie, come and feel it," she urged her friend who came and reluctantly placed her hand over the stomach that was indeed bulging. There was another flutter and Cora giggled happily. "Did you feel like this when you were carrying Alex? When he began making his first movements?"
"Yes," Annie forgot her depression for a moment and the two women talked about the feeling of carrying life in their wombs and the joy it brought to their hearts. Annie remembered vividly how she felt when she was having Alex, like it was yesterday and she wouldn't trade those memories for anything in the world.
"This child might be a girl, in which case Alex will have wife when they grow up. But if it's a boy you need to have another child quickly Annie - one who will be my son's wife. That's the promise we made to each other, remember? That our children would get married to each other." Cora was looking down so she did not see the fleeting look of pain as it passed across Annie's face. "Alex is old enough and he needs a sibling," Cora went on and on, while Annie felt heavier and heavier of heart, as her spirits sank lower and lower.
She could almost taste the relief when the sounds of a carriage stopping outside the house caused Cora to stop talking about her pregnancy. A few minutes later there was a footfall outside the kitchen door and a brief knock. Before the person could be summoned the door opened and Jeremy Paine entered the kitchen.
"There is my wife," he hurried over to Cora who rolled her eyes. "Honey, I was so worried when I couldn't find you at home. You shouldn't be riding in this weather," he began fussing and Cora pushed his hands away.
"Jeremy, I am fine. A five month pregnancy is not encumbering and besides, I came to check on two of the horses that Samuel caught. I want to teach him a few more tricks about training them. Really I'm fine."
Jeremy shook his head. "Richard understands that you shouldn't be working in your condition. Come, let's go home," he said in a firm voice and rather than argue, for she knew she would lose, she rose from the table to go with him.
Her husband was as stubborn, if not more so than her. She moved to the door with Jeremy and with a final wave left, with him, all the while arguing happily with him about still being able to ride. He insisted that she took the buggy, which he had driven over, and he would ride Thunder home.
~#~#~#~
Annie listened to the voices fading away and once again felt sadness and tears welling in her eyes. Just seeing Cora and how happy she was with being pregnant was a stark reminder of her own misfortune. Too stark if she was honest about it. She secretly termed her inability to conceive again a misfortune, but it was so much more than that.
She desperately longed to have another child. Alex was so much his father's son, aping Richard in everything he did and she was thankful for Marie who satisfied his need to always be outdoors. The boy would not sit still, always demanding to be taken to the stables, to the corral, to the barn. He loved being around animals and Richard always indulged him.
Annie longed for another baby, a girl who would sit and learn with her, just be close to her. But she would never have another child, and as if the thought was too much for her, she put her head on the table and wept. Silent sobs wracked her slender frame, and she was not aware that her husband had come in through the living room door and was standing in the doorway watching her, sadness growing in his own eyes, that his wife was so unhappy.
Richard didn't know what to do to make his wife happy. From the moment she had come to live with him about a year and a half ago, they had been very happy, even though they were poor and their lives were simple.
His fortunes however, took a turn for the better because of the business venture he and Cora Paine entered into. They caught wild horses, taming and selling them to farmers and soldiers, and sometimes the Pony Express.
He was able to build his wife a beautiful house by a combination of renovating their old house, reinforcing it and adding another level upstairs, as well as a wraparound porch. The extra money also meant he was now able to buy Annie anything she desired, and he went out of his way to find her the best fabrics for clothes and drapes.
His wife would never want for anything again. What he didn't understand was why Annie seemed sad all the time, as if she was not content with her life here in Tipton, on Pilgrim's Rest Ranch as they had named their homestead.
Annie always told him that the ranch was indeed a place where pilgrims found their rest. It had started when she came out West to escape from her lecherous landlord after her first husband and Alex's biological father, Clive Duvall had died, leaving her in debt. She had corresponded with Jeremy Paine who sent her fare to come and be his bride, even after she informed him that she was expecting her late husband's child.
On arriving in Tipton it was Richard who had been waiting at the station for her and delivered the sad news that Jeremy would not be marrying her. She had come to live on Richard's struggling ranch, uncaring that their first house was built out of sod and they had practically nothing.
Then Cora O'Malley had come along and within a short time the ranch began to flourish. It was during this time Cora and Jeremy Paine fell in love and got married. Then shortly after that, Cora was able to bring her mother and four siblings from Boston where they had been living in abject poverty and squalor. Once again the ranch provided a refuge for them.
It was when the O'Malleys arrived that Annie had thought to name the farm. Richard had promised Cora a small portion of land on which to build her own house, and she had actually gone ahead and done so. However it was Marie and Samuel who now occupied the three bedroom house.
Their mother, Rita O'Malley had moved to town to live with her new husband, Robin Watson the owner of the mercantile in Tipton. Joanna and Luke, Marie's younger siblings had gone at the urging of Robin, to live with their mother.
To Richard, the O'Malleys were a gift from God and he never stopped praying for their good health and prosperity. Cora's skills and knowledge at handling horses, which she learned from her first husband in Granger, had brought prosperity to Richard. Then Samuel her brother had come along and like Cora, was proving quite adept at catching horses. It was just as well, especially now that Cora was with child.
The thirteen year old was large for his age, thanks to proper feeding by Annie, and he looked like he was almost seventeen, while he worked like a twenty five year old man. He looked and worked like a full grown man. Marie was a wonderful housekeeper and nan
ny for Alex, and to all intents and purposes Annie should have been happy. But it seemed as though a dark cloud hovered over her head. It not only hovered - at the moment it looked as though it had burst and enveloped his wife.
With a sigh he made his presence known and it pained him to see his lovely wife scrambling to her feet, wiping her tears away as though she didn't want him to know that she had been crying. Her efforts to do so however, were in vain.
"What's wrong my love?" He came closer and took her in his arms. She held back for a brief moment and then allowed herself the luxury of being comforted. They stood in that position for a while before she pulled away. "Annie my darling, why are you always so sad? Have I done anything to upset you?"
"No," she shook her head, clearing her throat. "I guess I'm just exhausted from too much work," she forced a smile which did not reach her eyes and Richard sighed inwardly. They'd made a promise to each other never to hide anything, but Annie seemed reluctant to share whatever her troubles were. He left things for a moment, wondering what he could possibly say to help her feel better, however knew the opportunity had passed when he heard the living room door opening.
"Papa, papa," Alex screamed and Marie put him down. He toddled over to his father and Richard swept him up in his arms, tossing him in the air making him giggle happily. "More, more," the boy demanded and Richard indulged him as Annie looked on.
Seeing Richard and Alex so happy made her sad and she felt guilty for feeling the way she did. Richard was a good father. No, it was more than that; he was a wonderful father and husband and it wasn't fair that he should come home from the fields to find her weeping. She would make the effort to try and keep her misery to herself, never to show him how miserable she was. He was a good man and deserved better.
She also felt guilty for envying Cora her pregnancy. Children were from the Lord, and she knew very well how these things worked. That being so, it was not fair of her to make Cora, her best friend, and her husband sad, as a result of what she considered to be her misfortune.
There was one more thing. It was time for her to tell Cora why she had been acting so cold and distant towards her lately. The time had finally arrived when she knew she must tell her friend why she had not yet conceived again.
~#~#~#~
Chapter Two
Lillian James or Lily James as she was called these days, sat up on her lumpy bed and watched as her latest customer put his clothes on, tossed a few dollars at her and left. This was her life now and she steeled herself, or tried to, against any feelings of guilt.
What was there to feel guilty over when there was nothing she could do about it? She wondered why she felt so empty inside and with a sigh, got up from the bed, straightened it and her clothes, before priming her face in the expected manner, and went downstairs to the saloon. Life had played her a cruel hand. She figured she was one woman among many who had ended up the same as her.
The saloon was empty for now but she knew it would not be long before more miners, businessmen, travelers and the occasional married man came in for their drinks. Soon there would be loud noise and reveling, and once again her services would be called upon.
Like she always did, she crept to her corner to await the next customer, not bothering to speak to the bartender and three other saloon ladies, commonly known as soiled doves, who were seated at a table and exchanging stories of how much they had made that day.
How had she ended up in this place? She looked around her with self loathing; she was now a common whore, she who once had been a wonderful wife and mother. The memories were painful as they washed over her and she briefly closed her eyes, as if to shut them out, but they would not go away. How could they when everything she held dear in life was now gone?
She drank to drown out the painful memories. Her once beautiful face was now marred by dark shadows and the green eyes that had made her husband call himself the luckiest man in Wyoming, were now dull orbs, lifeless and cold. She had allowed her dark hair to become a mess, after all most of the customers she had were too intoxicated to even notice her looks. It wasn't her looks after all, that they wanted her for.
Lily was only twenty one years old, having come to Tipton almost two years ago as a Mail Order Bride from Maryland. Benjamin Simmons or Ben as she liked to call her husband had been a wonderful man with a forty acre piece of land and they'd had such high hopes of making it in the West. He was a very good wheat and corn farmer, and at the time she had come to Tipton, his farm was flourishing.
They supplied many households with their products. When she arrived, she immediately asked Ben to build her a chicken coop and clear the land behind their house for a small vegetable garden. She was willing to do everything she could to make their farm a success and that included growing the food they ate and selling the excess for a little cash.
Their joy had known no bounds when she conceived three months after they were married and Silas came into the world as a much loved child. Life was good, their future was bright and Lily felt that she was the luckiest woman alive. From time to time her dead mother's voice would come to her, urging to make peace with God and be right with him.
Lily was having too much of a good time with her husband and new child to take heed of her mother's advice and every month she'd invite all her friends and neighbors over. It developed into a habit and they would eat, drink and dance the night away. Only two neighbors refused to join in the reveling - the Paines and the Wests. Lily often scoffed at them for their faith. She loved her life, centered as it was, around her husband, child and their farm.
"All of us are Christians," she would tell her friends. "Why do the Paines and the Wests think they are better than the rest of us? Sitting on their high horses in judgment."
"Pay no attention to them. They're probably just jealous that you and Ben are doing so well. Look at Richard West, a nobody who thinks that because he has now come into a few dollars, he's lord over all of us," one friend said.
The parties went on and Ben even talked of becoming mayor one day and how happy he was that Lily was a good hostess. They would need all the friends they could get so he could win votes and become mayor. Never had it to occurred to Lily that her new friends were shallow people. She just wanted to be able to support her husband and do her part to help him become successful.
~#~#~#~
Life might have continued on being good for the Simmons family but for the early heavy rains that autumn. Lily shook her head, remembering the fateful day when she lost everything. It had been raining and Silas was restless, wanting to go outside and play but she hadn't wanted him to be outside in the wild weather, particularly since the bridge over the creek had been washed away by the floods. It wasn't really safe outside for a toddler and she wanted her son to remain with her for his own good.
Lily left her one and a half year old boy in the kitchen for the briefest of moments as she went to fetch his little coat to make sure he stayed warm and she was not aware that the outside door was slightly ajar. When she returned less than ten minutes later, Silas was nowhere to be found. It was as if her heart sank into the pit of her stomach.
Hurrying to the barn where her husband was, she expected to see her little boy, but he wasn't there. Husband and wife together began the frantic search for their son and Ben, for no particular reason, felt the urge to walk towards the creek.
He was just in time to see Silas fall into the raging waters. Without a thought for himself he jumped into the water after his son but the current proved too strong for both of them and they disappeared under the churning waters. Lily watched on in horror and screamed from the bank.
The sight of the two people she loved most in the world, drowning in the raging flood was permanently etched into her mind and would remain so. Their bodies washed up almost two miles away and Lily was inconsolable. It was more than that though. The manner of their deaths left her mind permanently unhinged.
She did not realize that none of her so called fr
iends came to offer their condolences, but rather, it was Cora and Jeremy Paine, as well as Richard and Annie West, the neighbors she despised, who ensured that whatever needed to be done, was undertaken in a clam and efficient way. Cora and Annie stood beside her as she watched her loved ones being lowered into their graves and they sat with her for two days, comforting her and urging her to eat something.
On the third day they left for their homes after Lily assured them that she was fine, even going so far as preparing a meal which they shared before they left. Lily walked to the creek and thought of jumping in and letting the water carry her away so she could be with her beloved husband and son, but she was too much of a coward.
After Ben and Silas had been laid to rest Lily tried to pull herself together but her mind wouldn't cooperate. It was as if she was living in a permanent fog where she experienced periods of numbing grief followed by hours of nothingness. She lost track of the days as they passed by in a whir and often forgot to eat. Some days she didn't eve get out of bed.
Then she received a visit from the local bank manager. Apparently Ben had taken out a loan so he could purchase additional land. At first he'd made the payments faithfully, but in the past almost six months he had been defaulting on his loan. Lily barely registered what the man was saying and couldn't have cared anyway. She just wanted to be on her own,
The interest on the loan was high and eventually, the bank auctioned off everything of value, as well as the land and house. She was given notice to vacate the premises within three months.
Lily could not believe that her once perfect life was now a shambles and she sunk into an even deeper depression that enveloped her within its warm embrace. She had conversations with people who were not there and was always looking for baby Silas. Never would she stop looking for Silas.
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