The Teachings of Don B.

by Donald Barthelme

  THE ROYAL TREATMENT

  WRITTEN UNDER THE PSEUDONYM LILY MCNEIL

  (WITH APOLOGIES TO THE LATE OGDEN NASH)

  I would like to publicly proclaim that I, for one, do not think the President is guilty of base, low, or tiny-minded malfeasance

  And that although the former Vice-President has made me sad, at least he didn’t do anything that could correctly be described as high treasance.

  And that although the former Attorney General and the former Secretary of Commerce may or may not be legally indictable

  I think any small petty wrongs they may have committed are probably readily rightable.

  And the former Counsel to the President and the two former Assistants to the President and the two former Special Assistants to the President and the former Acting Director of the FBI are all okay guys in my book, and I devoutly wish that someone like Little Joe Cartwright, Spider Man, Alain Robbe-Grillet, or the Maharishi could jump in there and get them off the hook.

  And I don’t really believe in my heart of hearts that the President would go so far as to bug his brother,

  And the two missing tapes aren’t important because since they didn’t exist in the first place how could they contain any terrible news that somebody might want to suppress, sequester, stifle, or smother?

  And what happened to those admirable gentlemen, Richardson, Ruckelshaus, and Cox,

  Shocked and dismayed me but I was able to drain it from the wading pool of my mind by reading fourteen improving tracts by Increase Mather while simultaneously listening to the complete works of the entire family of Bachs.

  Still, all of the accusations and denials and leaks and plumbing and frocking and unfrocking and hundred-dollar bills running around in suitcases with no human hands attached to them except maybe people in red wigs and furor and shouting and high-level pomposity

  Does tend to create in us of the silent majority a degree of what might be called anonymosity.

  I get the distinct impression that the American form of government is exhausted and puffing and panting

  And that something neater, along the lines of, say, absolute monarchy might be more enchanting.

  And so for king I would like to nominate with all due modesty, me—

  The first woman king, to whom in these times of raised consciousness and equal opportunity employment no fairminded former voter could object, could he?

  People are tired of going into those little booths and looking at those long lists of candidates most of whom they don’t even recognize the names of

  Wouldn’t it be simpler just to have a sovereign that they could cluster in a square when she appeared bowing on a balcony and throw their hats in the air and shout the acclaims of?

  We’d save trillions and trillions by abolishing the executive, judicial, and legislative branches with all their offices, buildings, secretaries, pension plans, and places they have to hurry at lunchtime in their official limousines to be at.

  Instead, there’d just be me and my fiat.

  I don’t think we really need all those checks and balances the Constitution provides which leave the czar, caliph, shah, or doge trembling and tense in the air like a Flying Wallenda

  A situation in which, you’ll admit, it’s very difficult to get the people’s business justly and efficiently off your callenda.

  I promise I wouldn’t be lofty, remote, or otherwise unduly regal

  I promise I would try to do things in ways that were (definitively, you understand) legal.

  And all of the Congress would have to go out and get added to the labor force and seek gainful employment and social utility

  Instead of drowning the great issues of the day in a bog of blather, hebetude, cod’s-wallop, and piggy ignobility.

  And all of the Supreme Court justices would have to take off their robes and put on ordinary suits and ties and go down and sit in the agora

  In obedience to the divine dictum of the hero-architect Mies van der Rohe that less is mora.

  And I wouldn’t have anybody near the throne capable of embarrassing me by his Quasimodic behavior except maybe my consort, who would probably be Albert, Philip, Ralph, Igor, or some other name that I love

  Which wouldn’t prevent me from, if he got out of line, slapping him upside the head with my velvet hand in its iron glove.

  Lily the First is a nomenclature that I wouldn’t mind responding to, graciously

  And I’ve already spoken to the Moran Company about the royal barge, spaciously

  My proposal is, I admit, anti-democratic, un-American, and anachronistic

  But wouldn’t it be better than the present megillah in which the sacred Persons of the governmental Trinity find themselves facing each other in postures positively pugilistic?

  And if I did something clearly reprehensible you wouldn’t have to convene eighteen different investigatory bodies to figure out who to guillotine

  There’d only be me, walking in a stately manner in my best Halston toward the shredding machine.

  MAN’S FACE

  (A NEW NOVEL IN FORTY COAXIAL CHAPTERS)

  A word about the author: after ten dreary years writing program notes for TV Guide, Redburn Backspace completed, just before he died, the forty beautiful, elliptical, ethereal chapters of his visionary novelorama Man’s Face. It may be suggested that his prolonged nestle under the wing of Triangle Publications adversely affected his style, if not his mind; this we, his editors, must strenuously dispute. He was a man of few words, and his unique vision of life is now fixed forever in the pages of Man’s Face.

  I. THE LAND

  While taking killer Vince Bigly back to prison, Mark Foreman is joined by ex-convict Chris Milk, who has cut the telegraph wires to Toledo.

  II. THE PEOPLE

  Gladys is insulted by a man in a movie theater.

  III. JIM

  Gladys asks Mark to save Jim’s romance, but killer Vince Bigly interferes. “Patriotism” is explained in a visit to Fort Ticonderoga.

  IV. PILLS

  When a beautiful debutante is strangled, a sleuth from Scotland Yard begins to investigate the life of his prime suspect, Jim.

  V. BETH, WHERE IS THY STING?

  Dr. John Bang demonstrates bee communication.

  VI. THE WAY WEST

  At a river crossing, the travelers learn that killer Vince Bigly has the only barge.

  VII. THE VISIT

  Mark thinks that his father betrayed his Indian mother by deciding to remarry. Monkeys and dogs perform unusual feats.

  VIII. BREAKING POINT

  Sir Kenneth Clark attempts to approach nature without preconceived ideas.

  IX. HOUR OF DECISION

  Mark was adopted by the Indians. Now his Indian father wants him to return to his own people. The sheriff’s brother is lost in the Métro.

  X. RULES OF THE GAME

  Jim is worried about Mark, and a zebra helps unite a mentally ill soldier and his family.

  XI. HONG KONG

  Gladys is insulted by a man in a movie theater.

  XII. THE FLAG OF LIFE

  How to make rhythm instruments.

  XIII. THE OPEN DOOR

  Gladys decides that she has had enough of ranch life.

  XIV. CICADAS

  When his brother joins the Air Force instead of helping out on the ranch, Jim tears up his hat.

  XV. IN THE BICYCLE SHOP

  A tragic accident teaches a ruthless businessman the meaning of tolerance. Members of the team are interviewed.

  XVI. THE TURNING OF THE TIDE

  Sandy Koufax and Sen. Hubert H. Humphrey discuss ambergris.

  XVII. THE HUNTED

  Jim is seen at work at his roadside fruit stand. Gladys wonders whether to go to a movie.

  XVIII. A LETTER FROM MARK

  India’s caste system is gradually becoming a part of the past.

  XIX. GLADYS

  Gladys, back in Baltimore, can’t understand why Mark is keeping her at arm’s length. Sh
e decides to go to a movie.

  XX. POTATOES

  A group of young men from diverse backgrounds is molded into an efficient fighting unit.

  XXI. ILLUSION AND REALITY

  Sir Kenneth Clark ignores Gladys in the movie.

  XXII. SCOTCH TAPE

  A young widow attempts to rebuild her life.

  XXIII. REUNION

  Jim joins the Air Force in order to find his brother and make him come back to the ranch. Prof. Leonard R. Rand uses examples from Germany, France, and Mexico.

  XXIV. THE SEA

  Wanda wears her trench coat to bed.

  XXV. TURN OUT THE LIGHT

  Eternal joy is discussed by representatives of the world’s great religions. Vinnie Fitch’s orchestra, dancers Marlo and Caucus, the Pedal Twins.

  XXVI. THE HAT

  Killer Vince Bigly finds Jim’s torn-up hat. He wonders what to do with it.

  XXVII. THE WEAVERS

  When Mark Foreman’s factory burns down, he is accused of setting fire to the insurance money. Members of the team are interviewed.

  XXVIII. RABIES

  A well-meaning friend tries to stop a brilliant engineer from destroying his plumb bob.

  XXIX. AGAINST THE GRAIN

  Anthropologist Max Winter hurls Ituri Pygmies into a volcano. Members of the team are interviewed.

  XXX. LAUGHING MARY

  Dr. William Muff explains the importance of exploiting the unusual child.

  XXXI. GET UP AND LIVE!

  Al McLane and Joe Brooks, using light tackle, land a giant slalom.

  XXXII. THUNDER IN THE ATTIC

  On a field trip, Timmy finds a rock.

  XXXIII. IN FRANCE

  Gladys watches life passing from a sidewalk café, and chats with M. Dulac about his broccoli.

  XXXIV. CHILDREN OF BARK

  Jim is missing, and Mark thinks that he is inventing glass. City Health Commissioner George James answers viewers’ questions.

  XXXV. DAEDALUS

  The sheriff’s brother is lost in the Métro. Gladys and Jim discuss ambergris futures with Sen. Hubert H. Humphrey.

  XXXVI. UNDER THE RED-WHITE-AND-BLUE

  Students dangle wool in front of rabbits.

  XXXVII. THE SEASONS

  In defiance of her wealthy family, Gladys decides to learn about electricity.

  XXXVIII. PEARL SWINE

  A Marine with amnesia goes out to search for his identity.

  XXXIX. THE PAYOFF

  Dr. George Muff traces the history of thread.

  XL. SCRAMBLED EGGS

  Driving to Mark’s new job as a teacher in an exclusive boys’ school, Mark and Gladys make a big mistake. Vince Bigly plays “The Star-Spangled Banner.”

  WASTELAND!

  (MR. LIONEL BART’S NOTES IN EXEGESIS OF HIS LATEST MUSICAL PROJECT)

  Not only the title but the plan and a good deal of the incidental symbolism of the musical were suggested by Mr. T. S. Eliot’s poem “The Waste Land.” Indeed, so deeply am I indebted, Mr. Eliot’s poem will elucidate the difficulties of the piece much better than my notes can do, and I recommend it (apart from the great interest of the poem itself) to any who think such elucidation worth the trouble.

  When Lil sings the poignant aria “Come In Under the Shadow of This Red Rock,” she is, of course singing to Albert, get it? Albert, at this point, is still in the army, and evil Madame Sosostris has informed Lil that unless she can raise fifty quid fast fast fast, Albert won’t get his honorable discharge, right? The poignance of this number is terrific. Poignance is all.

  The critic Frederick J. Hoffman has identified the major themes of the original poem as follows: “ ‘The Waste Land’ contains a single unified metaphor, variously given and dramatically developed. It can be seen in at least two realizations: the fable of the land itself (and of its King); the situation of love in its profane, sacred and mystic forms. These are unified in terms of analogies involving the cultural and personal meanings of fertility.” I found all this very depressing and literary, and have left it out.

  The first time I read Mr. Eliot’s poem, I became very depressed. Then I became very excited. Would Ethel Merman, I wondered, do Madame Sosostris if I beefed up the part? Would Rex Harrison do The Man With Three Staves? Could I work some kids into the show, for poignancy? I immediately abandoned my plan to adapt The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich and concentrated on “Wasteland!”

  The duet between the Hanged Man (Albert) and the Hyacinth Girl (Lil) is a tricky bit of business: the audience is asked to suppose that Albert is still overseas with his outfit whereas Lil is in the Hyacinth Garden, okay? We lick this by having Albert sing from behind a scrim. Madame Sosostris has promised that the charges against Albert will be dropped if Lil gets up the money—but the mysterious Man With Three Staves is hovering in the background. Lil has the first-act curtain with the poignant “Fear Death by Water, Mon Coeur,” a prayer for Albert’s safe return from over the sea.

  The Tarot Pack introduced at the beginning of the second act is a juvenile gang, dig? Certain flaccidities in the dramatic construction of the original made necessary the interpolation of a rumble between the Pack and their rivals, The Chess Men (cf. West Side Story). The change of Philomel by the barbarous King (Clive Revill ideally) diverts the feuding Mods and Rockers from their altercation; they sing the lively “Jug Jug Song.” Albert appears in the guise of a Youth Board worker; Lil fails to recognize him.

  The next bit has to do with vegetation ceremonies—it’s April, capisc’? The song “Choose a Sunny Location” came to me in a rather peculiar way. I had just received a small packet of Giant Zinnias from my bank (Chase Manhattan). The copy on the package consisted of a rather awkward analogy between the processes of germination and the bank’s various savings plans. “Choose a sunny location,” it said. I found this unbearably poignant.

  Albert, recognized at last, asks Lil in a particularly messy recitative what she has done with the money he gave her to get herself some new teeth. The song “Teeth, Glorious Teeth” is based on the Handbook of Good Practice issued by the Royal College of Dental Chirurgeons, London. Lil, of course, has squandered the money on visits to Madame Sosostris, a fact immediately apparent when she opens her mouth to sing. The theme of this number is the present decay of Eastern Europe, which I associate, quite arbitrarily, with David Merrick.

  I discarded Parts III and IV of the poem (“The Fire Sermon” and “Death by Water”) because I did not like them.

  The Man With Three Staves now sings the “Seventy-Million-Dollar Song,” which is based upon the estimated total gross of all David Merrick shows since the beginning of time—a figure I find incredibly poignant, dig? The Fisher King is revealed as none other than “Fishy” Porter, husband of Mrs. Porter (cf. Part III, which, you will recall, has been scrapped) and the biggest kipperer in all of Albion. Since he is also The Man With Three Staves, we understand for the first time the nature of his interest in Lil: she is his only daughter, the product of the above-mentioned liaison with Mrs. Porter. He explains (in the poignant “But at My Back from Time to Time I Hear”) that he has disguised himself in order to learn the extent of his wife’s involvement with Apeneck Sweeney; satisfied on this score, he ransoms Lil from the clutches of Madame Sosostris. Albert and Lil decide to leave Rats’ Alley and make a new start in America, as the entire cast reprises the enchanting and poignant and unforgettable “How to Lick the Book.”