Amber Frost

by Suzi Davis

  “Perhaps something bad happened,” I suggested. He cocked his head at me. “You know, something that your subconscious is trying to suppress. You mentioned you had nightmares?” He nodded, slowly considering.

  “Yes, as long as I can remember.” His eyes twinkled at his own joke, though this time he didn’t smile. “But perhaps you’re right. My dreams brought memories with them, perhaps my nightmares hold answers there too.” He frowned, obviously not pleased with this possibility. “How do you do it Gracelynn?”

  “Do what?”

  “Make things that I’ve spent so long puzzling over suddenly seem so clear?”

  “Probably the same way that you seem to be able to take everything I thought I knew, turn it inside out and backwards and tie it around my head,” I answered without missing a beat. He smiled at that, his earlier good spirits returning. My bedroom was light enough now that I could see him properly. His hair was mussed from sleep, his clothes wrinkled as if he’d picked them up off the floor or even slept in them. He’d obviously rushed straight over as soon as he woke. Somehow his rumpled appearance made him look all the more attractive.

  “I should go,” he said as he followed my gaze to the brightening window. He rose smoothly but paused beside my bed. “Even though I can’t clearly remember… I think you’ve got to be the most interesting person I’ve ever met, Gracelynn. You’re very special to me.” I fought the blush his words triggered. Why did I suddenly feel so nervous and excited all at the same time? “Thank you for your friendship,” he whispered as he turned towards my bedroom door.

  “Sebastian,” I called softly after him. He turned back towards me. “When we first met, was that because you wanted me to be your friend? Is that why I so implicitly trust you? Why I like you? Why I believe all the strange things you say?” My heart began hammering in my chest. I hoped I didn’t insult him by asking but I had to know. Could I really trust my own feelings? Could I trust myself?

  “I wanted to know you, to help you, and so fate provided me with the opportunity but I have no real control over it, Gracelynn. I have no power over others’ wants and desires, over their thoughts or emotions. If you hadn’t wanted to be my friend, if you didn’t like me – I wouldn’t be here. Perhaps fate would have brought me the chance to meet someone else who needed me to befriend them. Perhaps I no longer would have wanted that if you rejected me… I don’t know. But I do know that this, our friendship, is real and honest,” he told me solemnly.

  “Is that what this is then?” I asked very quietly. I wasn’t sure if he heard me or not.

  “I’ll see you at school tomorrow,” he said in farewell as he reached for the doorknob.

  “Wait! How are you going to get out? My parents may be home and the staff are all up and about. If any of them see you – especially Walter –”

  “Don’t worry about me, Gracelynn,” Sebastian objected, the twinkle was back in his eye. “I don’t want to get you or myself in trouble – so I won’t,” he promised.

  “Oh, um… right.” He grinned back at me, his smile full of mischievous charm.

  “Goodbye,” he whispered.

  “Bye,” I replied quietly. He opened the door and slipped out, silently closing it behind him.

  There was absolutely no way I could fall back asleep after Sebastian left. At first I could barely breathe, waiting in tense anticipation to hear cries of alarm from the staff below. I was surprised when after several minutes of silence, I realized he must have snuck out without anyone seeing him as he’d promised he would. Then my mind moved on to more important matters. Sebastian had given me a lot to consider.

  I slipped out of bed and pulled on a pair of fuzzy slippers and a fleece housecoat, then settled down at my window seat. It was another dull and overcast day. It wasn’t raining yet but by the looks of the clouds, it would be soon. My thoughts drifted with my gaze, further and further out over the treetops.

  I had always felt like there was some kind of strange, compelling magic around Sebastian Mattias Caldwood; I couldn’t say I was honestly that surprised to have my suspicions confirmed. In a bizarre, irrational way – it made sense. But that only explained the strange things that happened when he was around, not the strange way he made me feel. He himself had admitted that he had no control, no supernatural influence over my emotions. Could this really all be me?

  The past twenty-four hours had been some of the strangest in my life. But I’d also never felt so alive. Sebastian challenged my way of thinking, forced me to let go of my reservations, to question my actions, my very thoughts. He was mysterious and strange and exciting and… who was he? He didn’t even know himself. Did I really want to involve myself with someone who was somehow able to twist destiny to satisfy their own whims and desires? Someone so strange, so out of this world, that he had no memory of who he was or where he came from? Someone exceptional, someone interesting, someone who was kind and caring and fun… Someone who was completely different from me in every way, except, perhaps, the ways that really mattered.

  I stayed up in my room most of the morning, gazing out at the bare branches of the trees and the muted colors of early winter beneath the gloomy sky. I needed the time to myself – to think, to decide, to prepare.

  Eventually I got up from the window seat and showered and dressed. I wore comfortable clothing like I had the day before, jeans and a cotton shirt. I brushed my hair and then let it air dry in loose waves. I spent less than five minutes in the bathroom after my shower, and only applied a touch of eye shadow and a smear of lip gloss instead of my usual regimented skin care and makeup routine.

  Walter arched a thin, suspicious brow at me when he came up to my room just before lunch to announce Clarke’s arrival. I easily and thoroughly ignored him. The changes I was making in my life were empowering; I was no longer afraid of Walter, my parents, Clarke, or any of my ‘friends’. The only person I was afraid to disappoint now was myself – well, maybe there was one other.

  Clarke was waiting in the main entranceway for me. His face lit up as he saw me descending the stairs towards him. I felt a twinge of guilt – though it was less than I had thought I might feel. Clarke had been so happy when I’d phoned him this morning. He’d easily accepted my apologies for not going to his rugby game yesterday – he hadn’t even asked why I wasn’t there. He was excited to tell me all the details of his team’s victorious win which was all because of him, of course. I knew he thought I’d invited him over so that I could apologize some more, so that we could ‘work things out’. I only felt the faintest shadow of guilt over the fact that I was about to disappoint him.

  “Good morning beautiful,” Clarke greeted me. He looked puzzled as I got closer, noticing my lack of make up and casual attire. “Were you in a rush to see me, sweetie? You look like you just rolled out of bed,” he only half-teased. I clenched my teeth together but managed to force out a smile.

  “Can we go for a walk? We need to talk.” I felt eager to get this over with.

  “You want to go for a walk? It’s going to rain and it’s so cold outside,” he practically whined. My last, lingering glimmer of guilt disappeared. “I’ll drive you anywhere you want, babe.”

  “Fine. Let’s go out to the breakwater,” I suggested. It would be a good place to park, somewhere we could talk. His eyes brightened, his expression suddenly eager.

  “Sure, whatever you want.” He was grinning to himself now. I hoped he didn’t think I wanted to park somewhere so that we could make-out. He was going to be really disappointed.

  Clarke ended up surprising me by handling our breakup fairly well. For once he seemed to actually listen to me as I explained that I was going through a lot of changes in my life and that I needed some space from him.

  “I can’t be with someone when I’m trying to discover myself. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us,” I told him honestly. He nodded, his expression serious as he silently gazed out over the gray waves that were crashing along the breakwater.

  “So y
ou’re not going to start dating Sebastian Caldwood then?” Clarke suddenly asked. He was trying hard to appear casual but I could see the angry, bitter set to the edge of his mouth.

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” I scoffed; I hoped it was convincing. “Sebastian is just a friend.” Clarke smiled, relaxing into the leather seat of his Bentley.

  “Of course, that was ridiculous of me. I apologize,” he offered, immediately contrite. His lips pursed as he stared out over the foggy ocean, his expression thoughtful. “And what about us? Can we still be friends?” he asked, catching me by surprise.

  “Sure,” I automatically agreed, though I wasn’t certain that we’d ever been friends to begin with. I didn’t voice this truth aloud; Clarke sounded genuine. He actually looked earnest and hopeful.

  “Good. I want to be your friend. I’ll be whatever you need me to be, for now. And then later… we’ll see where things go,” he told me confidently. I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

  “I don’t think things are going to ‘go’ anywhere between us, Clarke,” I warned him.

  “We’ll be friends for now and take it from there,” he repeated. His smug confidence was infuriating. I couldn’t believe I’d thought he was listening. He still only heard what he wanted to.

  Even with all his arrogance, Clarke had still handled our breakup better than I thought he would. On the other hand, my mother reacted just as I expected when I told her – she was livid. She told me I was a disappointment, she accused me of trying to ruin her, she claimed I was selfish, and demanded I phone Clarke immediately to reconcile. I calmly listened to her tirade, tuning out her words and focusing on how ridiculous she looked when she was angry – the veins bulging beneath her stretched-too-tight skin, spittle on her thin lips, her eyes wild, her expression ugly. I didn’t speak a word the whole while, waiting until she finally noticed that I was silent. Then I spoke calmly, in a clear and firm voice.

  “I don’t love Clarke, Mother. I barely even like him. I deserve to be happy and he deserves happiness too, to be with someone who truly loves him. Pretending wasn’t doing any good for anyone.” Her eyes narrowed, her expression one of disdain.

  “You’re right – he deserves better than you,” she declared in an angry hiss. She also only heard what she wanted. “I don’t know what I did to deserve such a selfish, ungrateful, uncaring wretch of a daughter. I deserve better than this. Now, get out of my sight!”

  I calmly complied. It was bad but not as bad as it could have been. Surprisingly, it had all gone more easily than I’d anticipated. And now that it was over, now that I’d broken up with Clarke and confronted my mother, I could easily banish any lingering guilt from my mind. All that was left was eager anticipation. I couldn’t wait for school tomorrow, to see Sebastian again, to tell him what I’d done, and what I’d decided.

  I refused Clarke’s offer to drive me to school Monday morning, arguing that yes, even though friends could drive one another to school, I wanted to drive myself. I had let people drive me around for too long and felt I had time to make up for. I left early – speeding down side roads and taking the long way to Craigflower to prolong my trip. I loved the feel of power and control as my Austin Mini zipped along the curving roads beside the ocean. For once, I smiled the whole way to school.

  I still arrived on campus early, nearly half an hour before morning assembly. Somehow I knew Sebastian would be there already because for the first time in my life, I knew that I had met someone I could truly depend on. It was the first mutually beneficial friendship I’d ever had; it was the most precious thing I’d ever experienced. And though Sebastian was mysterious and confusing and sometimes erratic, he was still the most dependable thing in my life.

  As I got out of my car and started walking towards the impressive, ancient main building, I saw him. He was sitting on the cold ground with his back against the base of the statue of our school’s founder, Joseph C. Craigflower. He wore his school uniform well with the top button of his shirt undone, his tie missing and his black combat boots beneath his pressed pants. I was fairly certain he’d be wearing his spiked belt and wallet chain also; his own unique touch evident even as he ‘conformed’. I was surprised to see that he held a cigarette between his fingers though he didn’t appear to be smoking it. Even from the distance I stood at, I could see that the smoke was coiling upwards from it in an uncannily-perfect, gray spiral. He butted the cigarette out on the ground as I approached having never once touched it to his lips.

  “You smoke?” I asked by way of greeting him. I tried my best to sound superior and disapproving. It wasn’t as easy as it once had been.

  “Sometimes,” he admitted shamelessly. He was grinning as if he found my tone funny.

  “Let me guess, you don’t want to become addicted or get cancer, so you don’t?”

  “Of course,” he agreed, still grinning. “But cigarettes are expensive and taste moderately foul. Sometimes I just enjoy holding one and having the excuse to step outside, to take a moment to sit and think.”

  “Oh… what were you thinking about?”

  “The usual. Debating wants and needs, coulds and shoulds; I’m an expert on the matter. Mostly though, I was thinking about you. How did your day go yesterday?”

  “Surprisingly well,” I admitted, eyeing him suspiciously. He grinned back at me, hopping up from the ground and slinging his arm around my shoulders.

  “I’d love to hear all about it,” he told me, his curiosity and genuine interest flattering.

  I started to tell Sebastian all about my break up with Clarke as we walked inside the main building. There were a few other students about already, their heads turned to stare as they saw me and Sebastian together, his arm still around my shoulders. To my surprise, their stares didn’t bother me at all. In fact, I felt a little proud to be seen with Sebastian. It was a disappointment when he removed his arm from my shoulders; strangely the stares seemed to bother him more than they did me.

  I gave Sebastian a word-by-word recall of my conversation with Clarke. Sebastian laughed when I told him how Clarke had asked if I was going to start dating him.

  “What did you say to that?” he asked, the amusement clear in his voice.

  “I told him we were just friends,” I replied, hesitantly. I wondered if he could hear the question behind my words.

  “We are,” he agreed, the smile fading from his face. His eyes darkened to a clouded gray, his expression grew serious. “We can’t ever be more than that,” he told me softly.

  “I know,” I quickly replied, trying to save my pride. “But… why?” I added, quietly.

  He turned towards me, his fingers gently tilting my chin up so that I was forced to meet his gaze. Though his expression was severe, his eyes were soft, almost sad.

  “I told you that you were special to me, and I meant it. Our friendship is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given and I won’t risk it for anything,” he told me solemnly. I didn’t really understand; his words confused more than they clarified but I accepted his answer easily. His friendship was a gift to me also and I wouldn’t risk that for anything either – for now. I stepped back, casually pulling away from his touch and breaking the intense moment between us.

  “Clarke said he was going to be my friend too,” I told Sebastian. He gave a very small nod, acknowledging my change of subject, my acceptance of his words. “I’m not sure that he’ll really stick to that though,” I continued with a wry smile.

  “You never know, sometimes people surprise you.” Sebastian’s mischievous smile and adorable dimple returned.

  That comment led to a discussion on human nature. Once more, I was fascinated by Sebastian’s thoughts. Some of his observations were very astute and reflected a wisdom well beyond his years. Some of his other opinions seemed absurd and ridiculous to me – a fact that I clearly stated. He laughed at my objections, teasing me and pulling me further into another silly debate. I soon found myself laughing too. The world was a funny place when you saw it through
Sebastian’s eyes. It felt strange to be laughing at school, to feel really relaxed and to be enjoying myself. I wished I could spend the whole day with Sebastian, I was already dreading his departure once the bell rang.

  Apparently Sebastian wanted to stay by my side as much as I wanted him to or perhaps, in his case, even more. The fates conspired to keep us together; he was seated directly behind me during assembly, able to whisper in my ear the whole while. Unexpectedly, the school’s schedule had been reordered, making my first class English which I shared with Sebastian, where we were partnered up to work together for the entire period. Art came next, where once again we sat side by side, laughing and teasing one another, our backs to the rest of the room. It had to come to an end, eventually.

  Art was almost over and next came lunch. I was looking forward to an entire hour to sit and laugh with Sebastian, uninterrupted by the pretense of doing our work. Presently he was telling me his theory about how every teenager should be required to compose a song before being allowed to graduate from high school; he seemed to feel it was an integral milestone that the education system was currently overlooking.

  “You are so strange, Sebastian,” I told him with a laugh. He pretended to look offended. “Don’t worry, that’s what I love about you,” I teased him, patting his smooth cheek. He pulled back from my touch as if stung, his eyes suddenly wary, his expression guarded.

  “Don’t say that.” His voice sounded strained, rougher than usual.

  “What? I’m not allowed to love my friend?” I asked, surprised by his reaction.

  “No, you shouldn’t. I don’t want… I think we’ve been spending too much time together.” He obviously changed what he had been about to say.

  “But that’s what you wanted,” I objected, feeling very confused.

  “I did. But now I want to be alone.”

  “Sebastian, I don’t understand. What’s going on?”