“He wasn’t my lover,” she snapped. “I told you, Luke Tate was the first man who ever took me. Nathan was too much of a gentleman. He was waiting for marriage.”
“And somebody else got there first.” He chuckled, feeling strong once again. If he could still be so caustic, then the girl hadn’t completely gotten to him with her beauty, charm…whatever the hell it was about her that kept him feeling heady and unbalanced whenever she was near.
At times like this, she hated him. Travis could show so many different faces—selfish, arrogant, ruthless, brutal, cold, hateful, impatient. Yet he could also be tender, kind, gentle, and, she remembered with a warm flush, passionate and loving. But it was this face that she despised.
“I was raped. I’ve told you that.”
“I never raped you.”
“Oh, goddamn you, Travis, I wish you’d just go on and kill me!” She turned her head away, sick at heart, hating him, hating the world and everyone in it.
They lay in silence, listening to the night noises—the owl, still hooting mournfully; a bobcat, snarling ominously from a distance too far away to worry about; an animal, possibly a possum, scurrying in the bushes near the wagon.
“I heard talk about a man with a patch over his eye and a hound dog forever at his side,” Travis said quietly. He felt Kitty tensing up beside him, waiting for his next words. “They say he’s the bravest man in the whole Union army—fearless—a real soldier. He fights like he’s driven by a thousand demons inside him. I also heard he was from North Carolina, that he’s got a deep hatred inside, and that’s why he’s driven. He won’t accept a rank other than private. Told General Grant himself that he wasn’t in this war for personal glory. He just wanted to see it over with as quickly as possible. But even without a rank, the men around him look up to him as their leader and follow him right into the thick of battle—and often straight to death.”
Kitty rolled over, and he could feel her eyes blazing in the darkness. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell what you’d heard, Travis? You’ve heard me talk about my father, and you knew it was him!”
“I guess I figured your allegiance was with the South, with that Rebel officer you want to marry—not with your father. Why make things worse? We’re in the middle of a bloody, terrible war, and the thing I want most of all is to win it—and live through the victory. Your father wants the same thing. Had I told you he might be near, even if I’d thought you really cared, you’d have gone running out to look for him—right on a battlefield with a thousand soldiers shooting at each other.”
“I don’t care if you never trust me,” she cried, trembling in her rage. “Just let me go. Let me get out of your life. Let me take Andy and go look for my father.”
“And do what?” He laughed at such a ridiculous idea. “What are you going to do if you find him? You think he’s going to go home with you? Grow up, Kitty, the man has made his decision.”
“Then let me make mine.” She was begging now. “Let me leave, Travis. My pa’s mind isn’t right. You don’t know how bad the Vigilantes beat him. He’s tetched. That’s why he’s doing what he’s doing. Let me find him and try to get him home.”
“I can’t let you leave, Kitty. I’ve got a mission—it’s my job to scout these mountains and gather up all the deserters I can find and whip them into some kind of army by spring. And I need you because a field surgeon can’t be spared to roam these mountains with me. You’re valuable.”
“But what if you hadn’t found me?” she pointed out. “What if Luke Tate had murdered me, and there had been no woman with a knowledge of doctoring for you to kidnap and drag around with you as your prisoner? What would you have done then? Do whatever you would have done, please, and let me and Andy go…”
Sighing, he turned and tried to take her in his arms, but she pulled away. “Kitty, even if I wanted to let you go, I couldn’t. We’re in for a rough winter with a lot of sickness and disease. There are also going to be some skirmishes along the way, and I’ll have men wounded or killed. And even if I did let you ride out of here right now, how long do you think it would be before you ran into a deserter? These mountains are crawling with the bastards. They’d rape you and tear you apart and leave you to die. I can understand why you want to be with your own people, with your father, but you’ve got to understand that you’re going to stay right here with me as long as you’re needed. And then when the war is over, I’ll personally see that you get home safely. I’ll take you there myself.”
“You’ll be in a Confederate prison waiting to be hanged,” she cried.
“Not with men like your father fighting on our side.” He laughed. “If he’s got the spunk and spirit you’ve got, then the South doesn’t have a chance.”
She turned her back on him, and she promised herself if he tried to touch her, make love to her, she would do something terrible to him—gouge the wound in his thigh—something, anything, but he had better not touch her this night.
In a few moments, Travis was breathing evenly. He had sensed her anger, her frustrations boiling within. And she lay there staring into the darkness, her brain burning with new determination. No longer would she cry with bitter defeat and resignation. Oh, no. Now there was a stronger reason than ever to live because she and Andy were going to escape. She did not know how, or when, but the time and the opportunity were going to come, and when they did, they would be ready.
Andy. She was worried about him. He was looking up to Travis and Sam. Too young to really know what the war was all about, the youth could not fully understand the issues and was easily being swayed to listen to the other side. Would he go along with her escape plan? She would have to find out because they would have to be ready to move at an opportune time. If they tried and failed, she knew that Travis Coltrane would make sure that they never had another chance—even if it meant keeping her tied to her horse!
But she would have to give the appearance of being completely subdued and bowing to the will of the enemy. Sam would be easily fooled, but not Travis. It would take much to convince him that she had ever given up, and he might possibly never trust her completely.
But she was going to do it! And this vow gave her the peace to close her eyes and give way to the weariness.
Kitty was going to find a way to escape and find her father and take him home. And she was going to wait there for Nathan to make her his wife.
She closed her eyes and slept, with a smile on her lips for the first time in a long, long while.
Chapter Twenty-Four
February of 1863 found Coltrane and his raiders holed in during repeated blizzards in the Tennessee mountains. Kitty had busied herself during the winter months treating the soldiers for all manner of illnesses. Perhaps a hundred men had been rounded up once Travis and Sam Bucher were healed and able to ride, and out of this number, a third had died from dysentery.
The slush, the rain, the cold, and, finally, the frozen snow banks kept the men from going out and hunting for deer and other wild game. Blankets were scarce. Clothing was inadequate, and shoes were worn through, leaving the feet little protection against the snow-covered ground.
Things looked bleak. “What good does it do for us to gather men to be ready to fight in the spring if the men die before the snow thaws?” Kitty asked Travis one night as they sat together eating meat from one of the horses that had frozen to death. It was tough, tasteless, but it would quell the painful gnawing in their stomachs.
Travis eyed her, always wary when she spoke in terms of “we”. Was it possible that, because of her father’s allegiance to the Union Army, she, too, was swaying away from her loyalties to the South? He couldn’t be sure, even though he had discussed it at length with Sam, who felt that the girl had changed. He also felt she had fallen in love with the Captain, an idea that Travis scoffed at.
“We’ll have a few men left.” His jaws were actually tired from the effort of chewing the stringy horse meat. Drinking from a tin cup, he washed down the g
ummy taste with melted mow. “Don’t we have any coffee left, Kitty?” He slammed his cup down disgustedly.
“I’ve been brewing it from the last bit of corn we had—and now that’s gone. In fact, all we have left is this horse meat. When that’s gone, someone is going to have to go looking for game.”
“And that means losing a few more men to the fever, if they don’t freeze to death along the trail.”
Sam sat near the fire, digging at the skin mange that covered his arms and legs. “I wish I had something for that,” Kitty said sympathetically. She felt lice crawling on her own body, and perhaps she, too, would become infected with the mange. But how could she bathe in this freezing weather? They all had to gather around the fire to preserve wood and heat, and there was no privacy for a bath.
He looked at her and grinned. “Kitty, I reckon the mange varmints and the lice need something to do this winter, too, so they fight over me. That’s better than the Rebs, I guess.” His beard was now down to his chest. Travis didn’t order the men to cut their hair or keep themselves up, but he vowed that come spring they would quickly learn to look like soldiers.
“Sam, how far are we from Murfreesboro?” Travis asked quietly as though he were deep in thought about something.
“Dunno. Maybe two or three days in this snow, if we could even get down out of the mountains. Why, you headin’ out?”
“No. Once the weather gets a bit warm, the deserters hid out will start coming out like skippers from a ham, and that’s when we’ll round them up. But in the meantime, we’ve got to have food. Look at Kitty. She’s skin and bones now, and we’ve got to keep her strong so she can look after us.”
“And is that the only reason you’re worried about my health, sir?” She flashed him a grin that was forced, and she made her hand snake out to cover his across the table. He lifted his eyes and met her gaze, puzzled. Was he fooled? Did he believe that she had fallen in love with him during the cold nights they had held each other close for warmth? How she prayed that he did, for only when he truly believed that she now gave her heart to him and her sympathies to the cause he fought for would she ever be given the freedom she would need to find a chance to escape and return to her own people.
Travis ignored her question, turning instead to Sam. “Do you want to go or would you rather I went? That last soldier that wandered in said that was quite a battle Rosecrans and Bragg had the end of December. The army might be completely broken up for all we know. There may not even be any Federals in Murfreesboro.”
Sam thought a minute, scratched at his beard, then said, “Well, I tell you, Cap’n. I’d just as soon not try to make it down the mountain. These old bones of mine kind of got the creaks in all this cold weather. You just take as many men as you want, and I’ll hold things together here.”
“All right. I’d like to get back to civilization and see how the war is going. Let’s pray it’s already over with and we just haven’t gotten the word yet.”
Civilization. People. A town. A chance! Kitty hoped her excitement did not show. Forced to wait until Sam moved outside to relieve himself, she all but leaped on Travis once they were alone. “Take me with you, please, Travis.”
He looked down at her and raised an eyebrow. “What for? You’re needed here Kitty. There are sick men.”
“Please…” She forced her arms to reach up, clasping her hands behind his neck. Standing on tiptoe, her lips only inches from his, she could feel his desire beginning to swell against her thigh. “I want to be with you, Travis. Don’t leave me here. I think…I think I’ll go crazy if I have to stay behind not knowing whether you’re alive or dead. I’ve fought it…this feeling…but it…it overwhelms me. And I have to be honest. I want to see if anyone has heard from my poppa. He might even be there, for all we know. Take me with you, please.”
His eyes searched hers, looking for some sign that there was treachery in her motives, but then she was pressing her lips up, crying to be kissed, and he answered the plea, lifting her into his arms and carrying her to the bunk. It was cold away from the fire, and she wriggled beneath the blankets while Travis walked to the door, opened it, yelled to Sam to go play in the snow for a while, and then slammed the door shut, bolting them in away from the wintery world outside.
He slid beneath the blankets, taking her in his arms to taste the sweetness of her body. “I wish I were bathed and perfumed for you,” she whispered. “I wish I were clean and womanly and could love you in the right way. Take me with you. Dress me in silks and lace and make love to me in a real bed, where we’ll have room and comfort to love each other all night long. Please, Travis.”
For the moment, he ignored her pleas as he slid on top of her body, entered her, plunged into the velvety depths of pleasure. He took his time, moving slow and gently so that she could fall into the rhythm of his passion. He felt her shudder against him, and only then did he allow his loins to explode inside her.
For a long time, he lay on top of her as she rained tiny kisses all over his face, her fingers moving frantically up and down his back as though she wanted him never to move away from her. “If only I could have you this way every night, my love,” she whispered raggedly. “Do you know how I lie awake and actually quiver because I so desperately want you to take me?”
He moved away from her and rolled to the edge of the bunk. He never liked to be with a woman once his desire had waned, not finding anything manly about a limp organ against female flesh, and doubting that women did, either.
“It’s difficult to make love when we’re crowded like this,” he said by way of making conversation, as he felt a slight twinge of guilt because he could not return her vows of love and affection. Damnit, it had to be a trick. She couldn’t have really fallen in love with him. Somehow, it changed everything.
“But if you’d take me down the mountain with you, we could have a little time together—alone.”
“We could also ride right into the middle of a war, Kitty. It wouldn’t be safe to take you with me.”
“How can you say that? You’ve certainly carried me right into the thick of battle before, with balls and shells exploding all around us! And it was different then because I hated you.”
The smile he gave her was wry, almost to the point of mocking her words. “And you love me now, my sweet—is that it? And the only reason you want to go with me is to be by my side ‘cause you can’t stand the thought of being apart from me—is that it?”
She looked him straight in the eyes, feeling as though he were looking right into the very depths of her soul and could see it was all a trick, a lie!
When she did not speak, Travis said, “What if I told you that yes you could go with me and I’m going to send you south, to your people, and you and Andy can go free. Would you leave me then?”
She knew this was important, but then she reminded herself the wrong answer might be what he was looking for. Blinking, as though to hold back unshed tears, Kitty whispered, “I would have to leave you, Travis, if you sent me away. If that was what you wanted, then I would go. I’d feel an obligation to go back to my people regardless of what I feel in my heart.”
Damn! He swung his feet off the bunk and stood up, yanking on his trousers. She admitted she would go—yet she wanted to stay with him. He shook his head, walked to the window, and peered out. The men were playing in the snow, racing their horses, exercising—anything to end the boredom that enshrouded them all.
He felt tiny feet scurrying across the floor, hands slipping about his waist, a bare body pressed against his in the chill of the small cabin. “Please, Travis. Let me stay with you. If you leave me here and never return, or if you send me home, then I’ll always wonder what would’ve happened to us—the feelings that smolder between us. I’ll never know any peace. I’ve stuck it out so far…let me see it to the end, please.”
He turned around quickly, eyes blazing, his voice snarling as he looked deep into the pools of those lovely purple eyes. “Goddamn you, Kitty, don’t lie
to me now. This is a trick. You want to go with me to try and escape. I can feel it. You haven’t fallen in love with me any more than I’ve fallen in love with you, and all of this bullshit is just that—bullshit!”
He shook her, and she reached to tear his hands from her shoulders and ran naked across the room, throwing herself down on the bunk and sobbing, “I do hate you, Travis Coltrane, when you treat me like a…a whore! Is it so disgusting to you? The thoughts of me loving you? Do you think I’m just some trollop to ravish when you will and then cast me aside? Don’t you think I have some feelings, too?”
He watched her as she moaned and writhed on the bunk, and listened to her words of scorn. He had hurt her. And what had she really done to him? Once she had saved him from having his leg cut off by an over-zealous young field surgeon. She had also given up the chance to run away in order to save the life of his best friend. Even now she was skinny and lean, and he had seen her slipping the scarce food from her own rations to give to a sick Federal soldier who needed the nourishment. How could he believe she was only a deceitful female, out to catch him off guard so she could run away? In bed, she no longer lay limply beneath his caresses but returned his passion eagerly.
Had she even loved her Confederate fiancé, he wondered bitterly? So many soldiers had hurriedly married their sweethearts, or become engaged, when the war first broke out. Emotions and passions had run high—and still did, for that matter. Perhaps her betrothal to Nathan Collins had been made in the heat of the moment, faced, as she was then, with the threat of his going to war and never returning. And she loved her father. They had been terribly close. Perhaps she had been in a state of utter confusion when he walked out on his family to join the Union. She might not have known nor understood her own heart’s desires.
Love and War: The Coltrane Saga, Book 1 Page 31