Boys on the Brain

by Jean Ure

  “Well, I’m going,” said Pilch.

  I stared at her in dismay. Me and Pilch don’t do things separately! We don’t make unilateral decisions. We consult. She couldn’t go waltzing off to a party without me! Especially when it was my mum who was the reason for us going into Dandy’s in the first place. If it hadn’t been for that, she’d never even have been asked!

  “I’m definitely going,” said Pilch. “I mean, just because you don’t like parties—”

  But she doesn’t, either! At least, that’s what she’s always said.

  “Oh, look! This is ridiculous!” cried Pilch. “You know I can’t go without you! Oh, come on, Pilch! Please!” She jigged up and down on the pavement, clasping her hands in beseeching fashion. “Don’t be boring!”

  I yammered at her that it was Mum’s birthday.

  “But she’s got Harry!” said Pilch. “Oh, please, please, please! Don’t spoil things! It’ll be ever such fun!”

  I have never had fun at a party. Never. I am just so useless!

  “Pilch, listen to me.” Very firmly, she hooked her arm through mine, clamping me to her side. “I don’t want to go on my own! We don’t do things on our own. But I will go on my own! If I have to.”

  I stood there, dithering.

  “I’ve already told Sean,” I bleated.

  Pilch said, “So go back and say that you’ve changed your mind!”

  I looked at her, uncertainly. I couldn’t believe this was happening!

  “Listen! We have been asked,” said Pilch, “to a party. And we are going to go. Right?”

  I gulped and said, “R-right.”

  “So just get back in there!”

  With that she gave me such a shove that I almost went flying headfirst through the door. I didn’t even have a chance to think! I charged across the shop and gabbled, “You know I said I couldn’t come tomorrow? Well I could always tell Mum I’m going to a party, I don’t suppose she’d mind, she’d probably rather be on her own with Harry anyway.”

  I don’t know how I found the courage! Suppose he’d said he’d already found someone else? Or that he’d changed his mind? I would just have shrivelled up and died! Right there and then, on the spot. But he seemed really pleased. Like he really does want me to go. Now I am both excited and looking forward to it with one part of me, and with another part I am dead nervous because suppose I end up in a corner, not talking? Sean will then wish he had never invited me and I will spend the evening praying for the earth to open up and swallow me and I will never dare go into Dandy’s again. And we have been having such interesting conversations.

  Apart from anything else, what am I going to wear???

  Later:

  Pilch rang to say that she had just read in a magazine how you could make a fab face mask by mashing up an overripe pear with half a teaspoon of honey and a dollop of double cream. She said, “I’m going to try it!” She said that I ought to try it as well, as it might help get rid of my spot.

  I immediately charged downstairs to look in the fruit bowl. The only pear I could find was an avocado, and the only cream we have is tinned stuff, but I mashed it all up and sat here solemnly smothered in gunge for fifteen minutes (which is what Pilch said it takes) and am keeping my fingers crossed that it will work as I do not fancy the idea of going to party covered all over in spots!

  Saturday

  It did. It worked! The spot has disappeared! It is such a blessed boon to have a friend like Pilch. To know that we have each other’s interests at heart and really do care.

  Today was Mum’s birthday, so over breakfast I gave her her prezzie. She was knocked out. She shrieked, “Oh, Cresta! This is one of the ones I’ve been looking for!” and immediately went rushing off to play it. Full volume, natch! But I didn’t mind, as it’s her birthday. I then had to break it to her that I wouldn’t be going for a meal with her and Harry. Mum, when I had finished blurting things out, said, “Not coming with us? But why not?”

  I muttered that I was going somewhere with Pilch. I didn’t want to tell her that it was a party as I felt she might - not gloat, exactly, but be a bit triumphant. I mean, she has been nagging at me for ever about getting out and enjoying myself. Also I dreaded that she would start on about boys.

  In the end, however, I was forced to explain that it was a birthday bash for Dandy’s - “Where I got your record.” Needless to say, her face at once broke into a big beam. She said, “Oh! A party. In that case, of course you must go! You don’t want to be stuck with us when you could be out enjoying yourself.”

  i.e. Meeting boys. Mum is so transparent! But it is nice that she is pleased.

  The party is starting at eight o’clock. Pilch’s dad is very kindly going to take us there and bring us back again. He and Pilch are coming to pick me up in… two and a half hours’ time! I am feeling all quivery inside.

  Pilch came round this morning and instead of reading our latest episodes we discussed what we were going to wear tonight. I expect this may sound rather trivial, but as it happens I hadn’t really got an episode as I have been too busy to do very much in the way of thinking. Pilch said she’d got a bit of one but had left it behind. She was more interested in asking me whether I thought she should wear trousers or whether trousers would make her bum look too big. She said, “It’s all right for you! You haven’t got any bum.”

  I am going to wear some fab gear that Mum has given me! A pair of boot leg trousers, black satin with red and silver embroidery, way too tight for Mum. She says, “I don’t know why I ever bought them.” I do! It was obviously so I could wear them to the party! She has also lent me her silver bangles and a silver necklace. It is good having a mum who can lend you trendy gear!

  Pilch says that alas she wouldn’t be seen dead in any of the stuff that her mum wears, but of course Pilch’s mum is far older. I guess that is one of the advantages of having a mum who is still quite young!

  Pilch still hadn’t managed to come to any decision by the time she left. She said she was going to try on everything in her wardrobe and wear whatever is most flattering to her bum.

  I am so glad I don’t have bum problems!

  Sunday

  A turning point in my life… I have been to a party! And I ENJOYED it!

  Pilch and her dad called round at quarter to eight to pick me up. Pilch was wearing a crop top and shiny blue trousers! She said that since there was no way she could hide her curvy bits she had decided she might just as well advertise them.

  “Like I am not going to be ashamed of my figure.”

  Well! This is a departure. And a very welcome one. I think it was a brave decision and the right one to have made. She looked dead sexy! She had painted sparkly stuff over her eyelids and sprayed it in her hair. I don’t know where she has learnt to do these things. From her sister Janine, probably. Next time - if there is a next time! - I am going to be brave, like Pilch.

  The party was held upstairs on the fourth floor. All the tables had been pushed back and there was food and drink that you could just help yourself to, and a DJ playing records from twenty-five years ago, including Lily Raven, which Sean said he requested specially for me!

  Lots of people started dancing and for a moment I was in a panic, thinking I would have to run away and hide in the loo like I used to do in Juniors. I have always had this belief that I cannot dance. I am too self-conscious! But then I saw this really ancient couple going at it, and it gave me courage because quite honestly what on earth did they look like? He was wearing these baggy jeans and had long grey hair tied in a ponytail, whilst being totally bald on top, and she had this thin wrinkly neck like a tortoise and droopy old boobs that swung to and fro as she danced. And they just didn’t care! So I thought that I wouldn’t care, either, and before I knew it I found myself throwing caution to the wind and not bothering about who might be watching.

  Cindy Williams was there! I was quite surprised to see her. She was probably even more surprised to see me. Especially in the company of S
ean! It seems that her dad supplies the restaurant with cakes and stuff. Not very distinguished, I don’t think. She did her best to elbow her way in, I just knew she was angling for Sean to dance with her, but he wouldn’t! He stuck with me. A bit later she tried it on with Tom (Pilch told me this) but Tom wouldn’t dance with her, either. That girl is too pushy by half! And anyway, she looked a total sight.

  At eleven o’clock Pilch’s dad came by to pick us up. The party was still in full swing. Some people had gone but new ones kept arriving, so Pilch’s dad came upstairs and had a drink and then he saw someone he knew and started chatting, so that it was nearly midnight by the time we left. Pilch’s dad is quite a jolly sort of person.

  Mum and Harry, of course, were already home when I got back. Needless to say, they wanted to hear all about it! The party, I mean. I realise this is quite natural and only to be expected, but the fact is you don’t always feel like sharing things with people. Sometimes you just want to hug them to yourself! Mum in particular was full of questions. Exactly the sort of questions I knew that she would ask! Such as, “Who was there?” and “Did you dance?” and “Who did you dance with?” etc. and so forth. Desperately trying to discover whether I had met a boy!

  Dashing her hopes I said, “As a matter of fact, they were mostly pretty ancient.”

  This was probably a bit mean, as Mum immediately looked disappointed. She said, “No one your own age?”

  I said, “Me and Pilch and one or two others. Plus a girl from school who we can’t stand.”

  “Oh. Well! But you had a good time?” said Mum.

  I said I had; and with that, I’m afraid, she had to be content!

  Spent most of the night lying awake, with my brain all fizzing and bubbling. Didn’t get up until nearly midday. Harry, who is rewiring the kitchen, said, “It’s all right for some.”

  Longing to discuss things with Pilch but we agreed we would leave it till tomorrow, when we can be private. It is not safe to telephone. Walls have ears!

  Later:

  Talking of telephones… Mum just called me downstairs. She said, “There’s someone asking for you.” I couldn’t think who it might be as I knew it couldn’t be Pilch and there is really no one else who would ring me.

  “Some young man,” said Mum, handing me the phone.

  It was Sean!!! Wanting to know if I would go to the movies with him next Saturday. Of course I said that I would! He said, “I don’t know what’s on, but there’s bound to be something.”

  I said that it didn’t really matter what was on as I was a simply terrific movie buff and could sit through practically anything.

  We have agreed that we will meet at Dandy’s at six o’clock, which is when he gets off work. Now I am in an agony, wondering what to tell Pilch!

  Monday

  (8th Week)

  Mum, needless to say, has been almost bursting at the seams with vulgar curiosity concerning my telephone call! She managed to contain herself until breakfast this morning, when all bright and casual she goes, “So who was that who rang you last night? Someone you met at the party?”

  I have told her that it was “just a boy who works in the shop”. I suppose in the end I shall have to admit that we are going to the movies together. That is two people I have to break it to: Mum, and Pilch!

  Pilch said to me today that she thinks we ought to stop calling each other by absurd and childish nicknames. She said that it is “not becoming” and that in future she is going to call me Cresta and she would like me to call her Charlie. I sort of agree with her, but it is going to be very difficult after all these years!

  We talked about the party and about what a total fright Cindy had looked and how neither Sean nor Tom wanted anything to do with her, and Pilch, that is Charlie, told me that her dad had thought I looked “very grown-up”. I said that personally I had felt boring and dowdy and that I was thinking of going into town some time to look for new clothes. Charlie said that she would come with me as two heads are better than one, so that is what we are going to do. On Thursday, which is late-night shopping. We shall shop till we drop and then have a pizza!

  I haven’t yet broken it to her that I am going to the movies with Sean on Saturday evening and won’t be able to see her. Why does this make me feel so guilty? I suppose it is because we have been going round to each other’s places on a Saturday for simply years, ever since we left Juniors. Pilch is bound to feel left out. But what can I do? There are some occasions when two is company and three is quite definitely a crowd!!!

  Have just realised… I have written Pilch again instead of Charlie. This is going to take some getting used to!

  Tuesday

  I really hate that Cindy Williams. She came simpering up to me today and said, “How’s your spotty boyfriend?” Sean is not spotty! He happened to have one little pimply patch on his chin, which I only noticed as I am somewhat sensitive about chins. But that does not make him spotty! I suppose she is just trying to denigrate him because she is jealous.

  Still haven’t told Pilch about Saturday. I mean Charlie.

  Wednesday

  It is no use! I cannot get used to calling Pilch by another name.

  Thursday

  Went clothes shopping with Charlie. Am feeling so guilty about Saturday that I am now making a DETERMINED EFFORT to stop addressing her as Pilch. Charlie Charlie Charlie! It seems the least I can do.

  Was positively racked with guilt the entire time we were shopping. I kept thinking to myself, “She does not realise that I am planning to wear these garments on Saturday evening when I go out with Sean.” So that is why I am making this big effort to dignify her with her given name and no longer refer to her as a fish.

  These are the clothes I have bought:

  A black ribby top (chosen by Pilch)

  A yellow skirt (short as short, chosen by me!)

  Black tights

  I could not alas afford new shoes, but Pilch says my black ones with the kitten heel will go OK, and over the top I plan to wear my Levi jacket (unless it is freezing cold, which I fervently hope it is not as my only coat is dead naff and I should be ashamed to be seen in it).

  Oh, I have done it again! Twice. How am I going to make myself remember???

  Friday

  Spent all day frantically wondering what I am going to tell Charlie about tomorrow - and when I am going to do it! It is a bit too late to say that Nan is coming, as I would have known about this ages ago since Nan never does anything on the spur of the moment. Although I could always perhaps say that I had forgotten?

  But then there would be the problem, just suppose Charlie took it into her head to ring me and Mum said that I was out??

  It would be far better to tell her the truth but I am so afraid she will be hurt!

  I still cannot decide.

  Saturday

  A lot to report!

  First off, I had to tell Mum that I was going to the movies with Sean. Instead of being thrilled into tiny little pieces by this news, she instantly set about giving me the third degree! Who was he, how had I met him, was he one of the ones that worked in the shop, what did I know about him, where did he live, where were we going, how old was he?

  “I thought you said they were all ancient?” said Mum. “I don’t want you going out with a thirty year old!”

  I had to explain that Sean was only sixteen and still at school and just worked on Saturdays. This mollified her somewhat, but she still wanted to know where we were going and what time I was getting back.

  “I want you in no later than eleven o’clock! And how do you propose to get here? You’d better take the mobile and give us a ring, then Harry can come and pick you up. I don’t want you using public transport. Not at that time of night.”

  I said, “Mum, I’m quite capable of looking after myself!”

  “You’re fourteen,” said Mum. “I’m not sure I should be letting you go at all.”

  I shrieked, “Mum!”

  “You can Mum me as much as
you like,” she said. “Why can’t you meet earlier?”

  “Because he’s working,” I said.

  “Well,” said Mum, “you just make sure you take that phone. And where exactly are you going, anyway?”

  I told her that we hadn’t yet decided, so then she got in a fuss about that. Like she was having these visions of Sean kidnapping me and bearing me off to foreign parts to be a sex slave. Like he was some kind of drug-crazed pervert. I just could hardly believe it! This was my mum? Dizzy blonde, boys on the brain… Some people, it seems, are just never satisfied!

  Anyway, she solved one of my problems by saying that if I was going out, she and Harry might as well go out, too. She said, “We’ll be over at Tansy’s. I’ll give you the number, and you can ring us there.”

  I thought that this was providential (if that is the word) as it meant I could tell Charlie that I was also going to be at the Tansy person’s, so I picked up the phone and Janine answered it and I said, “Hi, it’s Cresta. Could I speak to Charlie?” feeling very pleased with myself that I had remembered to call her by her proper name. I heard Janine yelling up the stairs, “Charlie-it’s-your-fish-friend!”

  Charlie herself then came to the phone and said, “Pilch!”

  Really, I ask myself! Why do I bother?

  “This is Cresta,” I said.

  “Oh! Yes. Oops! Sorry! Cresta,” gabbled Charlie. “Listen, I was going to ring you. You’ll never guess what I’ve gone and done… I’ve gone and sprained my ankle! It’s all wrapped up, I can’t walk properly. Isn’t it a bore?”

  “Frightful,” I said. “How did you do it?”

  She said, “Oh, just tripped over. It means we won’t be able to meet, boo hoo!”

  I said, “Never mind. I hadn’t got another episode, anyway.”

  She said, “No, neither had I.”