I’m not sure I’m in that situation. I think, unless I’m totally reading Liam wrong, that he’d be cool with something happening, maybe just messing around. So why can’t I?
Kay-Kay is probably right now doing something dramatic. Something that will work. Wonder if I’ll even want to know what it is.
I scrub off the last of my camp day and get dressed to go to the Little Minnow. To see Liam. By myself. But my hands shake, and I feel like I should finally answer Jeff, and like maybe I’m doing something wrong.
Or maybe I want to do something wrong. With Liam.
And then as I drive I think about how I’m going back to school, and he’s probably going back to Ireland and how all of this is pointless anyway. But still I drive. I’m shaky as I pull up because I know something’s different. And I know it’s because of me.
As I pull open the door I start to wonder if everything I felt between us was really just my imagination running away with me.
Liam’s at the bar, smiling and chatting like always. There’s no reprieve from the heat in here. If anything, it’s even worse than outside.
Two girls are leaning as far over the counter as they can, grinning at Liam. I don’t know him well enough to read him, but I do know that the last thing I want is for someone to break my heart like Jeff did. This means that my late night fantasies about the guy have probably clouded what is actually real, and that’s maybe something like friendship.
He’s smiling at them and his head is tilted down enough that his shaggy brown hair covers part of his face.
I shouldn’t be here.
“Jody!” He waves me over.
Guess I’m here.
He jogs around the end of the counter to meet me. Several pairs of eyes are shooting daggers my way, but my eyes have already found their mark.
“I don’t have a lot of time, but maybe we could step outside for a couple of minutes?” There’s this look of uncertainty about him that I don’t really understand because I can’t imagine many girls saying no to this guy.
He takes my hand in his and leads me outside. I’ve never been much for hand holding, but I’m trying to learn about him. Rough, but not too rough. His grip is firm, but not tight. His hands are bigger than mine, but I also don’t feel like a doll or anything. Pretty perfect.
We stop and he turns to face me, dropping my hand, and then doesn’t say anything.
“Hi,” I say, wondering if it’s my job to break the ice here. Or maybe there’s no ice, and I’ve just lost all sense when it comes to the opposite sex.
“I’m, um… I’m glad you came.” Now he looks fidgety.
“You okay?” But now I wonder if I am. We’re very alone outside the bar, and he wants me here, and I’m here, and I want me here, only I don’t like how sort of out of control I feel around him because I’ve never felt this need to touch someone. Or to hope that they’ll move in a way that’ll show me some skin.
“This seemed like a great idea because I don’t know how long I’ll be here, and it seems like if I want to do something I just really need to do it already, and…” He blinks a few times as he looks at me. “You’re really very pretty. I mean, I noticed that right away, but it didn’t stick with me for long, because you’re bigger than any room, and I…” He stops. “Shite. Sorry. Way too personal. I do that sometimes.”
I’m still reeling from being called pretty. I’m cute. Pretty doesn’t connect in my brain.
He plays with the cuff on his wrist.
I watch. Wondering why we’re out here. I came here to see him, but I guess a part of me didn’t think I would. Not really. And definitely not like this.
“I think I like you. Or that I’d like to like you. And sometimes I feel like you’re with me in this, and other times I think you wish I’d drop dead, and I guess I’d like to know what I’m up against here? If we can get together sometime or if you want me to leave you alone, or…”
I’m stunned speechless for a moment. “We’ve only met a few times. You don’t know me.”
His body relaxes, and he leans against the back of the building. “I guess that’s the point. That I’d like to. Maybe. Unless the hints of you needing to get away from me are how you feel.”
“Why me?”
“Because sometimes when you first meet someone you realize that they have the potential to change your life, and I didn’t want to miss out on that.”
Change his life? Mine? How?
“Are you always this forward?” Because that would be awesome.
“I’m all for simple.”
“I’m all for safe.” The words just come out. But how ridiculous are they? Jeff was safe. Only he wasn’t safe because he was my only real boyfriend. We were close. We were comfortable. And now we’re nothing.
“Jody.”
God. The way he says my name.
“There’s no such thing as safe. I’m not asking for forever. Just maybe a chance to talk with ya? Hang out sometime?” He chuckles. “I sound like a complete arse.”
“No.” I reach out and touch his arm, and our eyes snap together. I jerk my hand away, amazed at my forwardness. “I just…” I’m a coward.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to be interested.” He shakes his head and moves toward the door.
My chest caves. He can’t just walk away. “Okay. Yes. I mean. I don’t have a lot of time off. But yes.” My words tumble over each other in a mess of insecurity and desire, and the need to move on. But I’m also terrified. I don’t remember even kissing anyone other than Jeff because it’s been so long, and I didn’t think I ever would. “But you have to know that my last relationship felt all okay and then just stopped, and I’m still not sure what to make of that, so… So I don’t know what I want right now, and that’s a really bizarre place for me to be in.”
“Okay, then.” His smile splits his face. Bright white against the tan and dark stubble.
In a flash I imagine his smile closer. His lips just before they touch mine. What his hands would feel like on my waist. His mouth on my collarbone.
I feel it in the pit of my stomach, and in my weakening legs, and in the masses of butterflies way low in my stomach.
This is what desire feels like. “Okay,” I breathe.
Chapter Nineteen
Mom’s calling. I stare at the caller ID, but not matter how long I stare, it doesn’t change.
“Hey, Mom.”
“I just got off the phone with Jeff’s mother, and it was the most bizarre conversation.”
I start to chime in, but forget that there’s really no need for me to be here when Mom’s talking. Not until I hear a question.
“She said that you had sunstroke and missed your dinner with them, and that Jeff seemed a bit out of sorts, and I got the impression that she believes you two are still together.”
Silence.
Weird. There was no question.
“Jody?”
“Yes, Mom?” I try to keep the annoyance out of my voice.
“Are you two together?”
I sigh. “No.”
She sputters. “I’m in an incredibly awkward situation with a friend of mine. When did you plan on giving them this news?”
Her words grate on my insides. “It’s not really my job, Mom. Not only is Jeff the one who broke it off, but they’re his parents!”
“You don’t have to yell.” She sounds wounded. Mom’s expert at this.
“Sorry, Mom. Just…tired.” She’s expert enough that tiredness or made-up appointments are the only way to fight against her.
“Sun stroke, or is that a lie as well?”
I want to tell her about the ring and about how Jeff keeps trying to call me, and about Liam, but I can’t seem to find it in me to get the words out. Especially when I already know she won’t understand.
“I have no idea what Jeff said after I left, Mom.” I slump on my bed beyond tired. This is a free evening, I should be doing something fun. Instead, I’m talking to my mom.
“I’m concerned because it’s rude to walk out on someone during dinner.” Her voice is clipped.
“I’m about to be late for night swim and I’m on guard duty,” I lie. “Gotta run.”
She huffs and mumbles a few more things before we hang up.
“AAAHHHHHHH!” I scream before throwing my phone across the room.
It bounces onto my bed, and isn’t nearly as satisfying as I imagined.
Someone knocks.
“I’m not in the mood,” I snap.
“Kay-Kay needs us.” Sam pushes open my door.
Kay-Kay’s balled up on her bed, looking paler than I’ve ever seen her.
No words. No invites. Sam and I crawl in and sandwich her.
“What’s up?” I ask.
“Craziest, craziest thing,” she whispers. “He has an ex-wife. Can you believe it? Irene’s daughter. He was married. Like someone got him before me.”
“Or several someones, because he may be old, but damn he’s hot.” Only Sam.
“So… I don’t think that’s the real mess,” I say.
Kay-Kay shakes her head. “She’s dying in a hospice near here.”
“Oh, God.” Sam snuggles in deeper.
“And… I think tonight I turned him down. Like all summer I’ve been after him, but when it came to it, I had to walk away. I couldn’t do it when he wanted solace. Is it awful that I want more than that?”
I sit straight up. “No! Of course you need more than that. Sex is a huge. Huge. Deal.”
Sam scoffs. “Not that big of a deal.”
My whole upper body goes hot. “Well. It is to some people.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” They both turn to me, eyes intent.
“What?”
“Are you a virgin?”
“I’m not talking about this.” But they’ll know as soon as they see my red face.
They both give me a weird look.
“You’re twenty-one! How does that happen?” Kay-Kay laughs through her tears.
“Oh. Jo.” Sam shakes her head. “That guy behind the bar would take you in two seconds, and I might pay money to see that man naked.”
“I totally would,” Kay-Kay chimes in.
I flop back down. “I can’t just…sleep with him.”
“Why the hell not?” They both ask at the same time.
I cover my face with both arms. “Because I’m me.”
“He would be the perfect man to deflower you.” Kay-Kay says.
“We’re not talking about this!” I’m going to actually die of embarrassment. The first person ever to not survive humiliation. “And no one says deflower.”
“With you. We use deflower.” Kay-Kay’s laughing so hard I can barely understand her words, which I guess is better than a crumpled mess of tears.
“Well, I wish I could be you for one night and sleep with him.” Sam nudges my arm so I know she’s teasing.
I’m trying to bury my face deeper into the mattress.
“We’re a fine mess, aren’t we?” Kay-Kay laughs a little as they both flop back.
“Something like that,” Sam says.
“And no more giving me crap,” I say.
And we lie together in silence. Because sometimes, you’ve said all you need to say and being there is enough.
“Deflower,” Kay-Kay whispers.
And we break into another round of hysterics. I have a serious love/hate relationship with these girls.
For the next four days I keep to myself. Organize the camper schedule to perfection, and stay away from the Little Minnow. I’m exhausted because I’ve been over-working myself every day. And also tired because I’ve been thinking too hard about Liam, what he might want, what I might want.
There’s a knock at my cabin door, and I freeze.
“I brought you food.” Liam.
My heart sprints. Liam brought food. To me. He sure didn’t waste any time. I search for a small mirror, but realize it’s probably better not to know what I look like after chasing campers all day.
I jerk open the door and melt a little at his smile and the two bags of food he’s holding.
“Um. Wow. We could eat in the Crow’s Nest. It’s this empty room above the dining hall.”
He winks at me and my stomach flips. “Empty, eh?”
I step around him and the two of us walk in silence to the Crow’s Nest. Evening activity is happening and there’s no one around. I lead him in, but once he’s inside, I wonder if I want to be in this close of quarters with him.
“Actually, maybe we should eat downstairs or somewhere outside. There’s lots of picnic spots,” I offer.
His eyes are everywhere, maybe trying to take in the surroundings of what is essentially a small bedroom.
“Yeah. Sure.”
He puts both bags in one hand and touches my cheek with his fingertips. “Ye’ve had a rough day.”
My whole body quivers from that one simple touch. “Something like that.”
He drapes his arm over my shoulders, and I stiffen. He gives me a squeeze. “Relax, Jody. I’m not after you. Sometimes we run into people just because we need someone right then. I’m not asking for any more than friendship.”
I relax and let the weight of his arm pull me into him. With his hard body against mine, I know I want more from him, but it’s too soon for me. I’ve been wrapped up in the wrong person for too long, and that doesn’t seem like something I’d do, but I did do it. And as far as I’ve come, I’m still reeling a bit from the situation.
“Well…” he says, “I’m not after more than friendship. Yet.”
I chuckle and he gives me another friendly squeeze, kissing my temple and sending ripples through my body.
We take the food and opt to walk about a mile up the trail that circles the lake. We sit at the top of the hill; a perfect spot where we can see almost everything, but no one can see us.
Liam pulls out two burgers, and neither of us says anything. We eat in silence. It’s the weird awkward kind at first, but it turns comfortable.
“Care to share?” he finally asks.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I say as I pull on a few blades of grass between us. My conversation with the girls and how scared I am, how I made it to twenty-one without having sex, even though I didn’t even intend for it to be that way. All of it whips around my head.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean. Why can’t I just be?” Like right now. I’m staring at this gorgeous man. Really. Model beautiful. And I can’t enjoy it. I’m too busy thinking and dissecting…and being afraid of what he might want from me. How I might screw it up since I know nothing about being with someone.
He’s silent and watching me with kind eyes.
“Kay-Kay had this crazy childhood. Her parents are complete douche-bags. It’s amazing Sam’s not locked up somewhere, and still, they’re out there living, and I feel like I’m watching from the sidelines. After the way Jeff threw me, it’s like I’ve lost my footing.”
“Bill mentioned him.” Liam wipes his hands on a napkin before adjusting to see me better. “He seems a bit too…nerdy, for someone like you.”
“I used to drink in high school, and it never ended well. Jeff was safe. Made me feel safe. Made it okay that I’m so careful with the way I live my life now.”
“Makes sense.”
I nod. “It’s that our families are so connected, and I know I can be stubborn, and opinionated, and—”
“Says the girl wearing the Girls Rule T-shirt.” He smiles. “But I like that about you. Anyone should. It’s part of who you are.”
I glance down and smile because it’s sort of a profound, yet simple statement. “My parents expect a lot, but they’re not bad people. I’ve never had anything horribly traumatic happen to me, but God I can’t let go. Not even when I want to. I don’t get it. It’s like life is right here. Right here. I’m supposed to be in it, and I’m not. I’m watching and going through the motions and that’s bullcrap, and I d
on’t know why I’m letting that happen or why I’m watching instead of taking control and doing something.”
His breath hits my face, making my heart skip and my stomach squeeze.
Instead of answering, his lips press into mine.
My body quakes. I don’t know him. He is not safe. This is a bad idea. His lips part slightly and without thinking, I part mine too, letting out a soft moan at how incredible he feels.
Just as his tongue slides in my mouth I jerk away. I can’t do this. I scoot from him and hold my head in my hands, trying to breathe.
What just happened? Why did I stop it?
He shifts away from me. “Sorry, Jody. God. I didn’t mean…”
But what the hell’s wrong with me? I told Kay-Kay to just go for it, and now I can’t? She has a lot more to lose than I do. She’s totally gone over Alex and the odds of that working out are… not good. She’s still moving forward. Pushing forward. Hard. Or that’s the way it seems.
“I know you want us to be friends. I want us to be friends. You just… You have so much to say, and I love what you have to say…” He reaches out a hand, which I scoot away from.
What about Sam—Take the summer. Be wild. Just because you like someone doesn’t mean you need to be picking out china. Enjoy yourself.
But as I look at Liam who should be with someone so different than me, and think about Jeff and my parents and school and Ireland and all the millions of things that hang in the air between us, and I can’t stay.
“I’m so sorry.” I stand up and leave him alone on the edge of the lake.
Chapter Twenty
“You left him out there?” Kay-Kay smacks the back of my head.
“Ow.” I rub my head, which is still sweaty from my morning run. I may have overdone the distance a bit today in an attempt to forget about last night.
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