A Farang Strikes Back

by Louis Anschel

  “Thai or oil?” she asked.

  “Oil.”

  Teaen fetched a bottle of baby oil from a basket which was from my point of view left beside the entrance to the cabin. She asked me to get undressed. Completely. Because the oil was sticky, she explained. I got undressed she helped me. She then started to rub my legs with the oil and started the massage. More like stroking, you couldn’t call this a massage. Her hands got higher and higher skipped my loins and continued with belly, chest and arms. Finally I turned around so she could “massage” my back. The hour wasn’t over when I turned around again and laid down on my back. Taens smile intensified. Again she rubbed my belly with oil and went slowly lower.

  Taen bent over me and whispered into my ear, “500 baht tip.”

  Was there a man on earth who could resist if a woman offered herself in such a way? 500 baht. That was ridiculous! I didn’t think about whether or not I should make use of the service but whether Som would find out or not. Taen could tell Yai and Yai was a good friend of Som’s. If ever asked, I would have to admit only that Taen gave me a massage, and no more. What really happened in the cabin was something between Taen and me. I could always deny it and get away with it. I could even talk Som into feeling guilty because I could accuse her of never massaging me, if she wanted to confront me. I had my doubts about it.

  “Tic tac,” Taen said to remember me that the sands were running out.

  “Okay.”

  That’s how the girls in Peter’s parlour didn’t pay attention to his instructions. He only said the day before nothing like that would happen in his parlour. Taen put her finger on her lips to signal me to be as silent as possible. Then she started with the so called “full body massage”.

  When we went outside, I spotted the fat German who introduced himself as Taen’s boyfriend the day before. He sat next to Peter. Taen welcomed him enthusiastically. She stood behind him and put her arms around his neck. Then she kissed his cheeks. It didn’t take long and he got up. He went with Taen in the parlour to get a “massage”.

  I spent some more time with Peter and afterwards was a bit bored, so I went to Beach Road. Before I arrived there, I had the idea of visiting Som, so I turned around and went to Third Road. Dao sat in front of the parlour and shook her head when she saw me.

  “Som went away,” she said.

  ‘Alone?’ I wanted to ask. With the crowbar method you didn’t make any friends. I would immediately push Dao into a corner because what should she say if Som was picked up by somebody? Thais always try to tell you what you want to hear. She had to lie if Som didn’t leave alone.

  If farangs enter a bar and ask for a certain bargirl who just went with another punter they will told, the girl is sick, out to have dinner or she went home to her family. All lies to save face of all parties. The best thing you can do is not to ask.

  That’s why I just nodded. I sat down next to Dao and pretended to wait for Som’s return. I racked my brains why Som didn’t work in the parlour. I called her but she didn’t take the call.

  Apart from Dao there were other girls sitting in front of the parlour. Joy, Lek, Rung–a lady boy–and Bee. All were from Isaan and worked in Pattaya to make big money. Rung was the owner of the parlour. But he (or she) wanted to sell it. Like all lady boys he did have huge hands and feet, a sure sign that you are not dealing with a woman. Rung was also very tall. Over five foot nine.

  Some people think that is because of the hormones they take to get large breasts. These hormones have a side effect; they stimulate the body’s growth. Surely it plays a role at which age lady boys start to take their tablets. I never met a lady boy or katoey who was shorter than five foot five. The culture of lady boys and katoeys in Thailand is one of the big mysteries of the country. I could never understand why so many men become transvestites. You meet them at every turn, especially in tourist areas like Pattaya.

  Like all lady boys Rung had long hair and exaggerated feminine movements and attributes like he was a woman 120 percent. Lady boys also talk with affected high voices. If they talk casually–and that happens–their voice goes down in the cellar like a baritone or even bass. It's more illusion than reality. Whether lady boys or katoeys are good looking and sexy is in the eye of the beholder and shall be judged by him.

  I found out Rung wanted to earn money to be able to afford “the operation”. The genitals are removed and breast implants would be applied. The cost was about 100,000 baht.

  Dao fetched her mobile phone. “I have a friend,” she said. “Richard. Like you.”

  “Like me? Oh, you mean a fellow countryman.”

  “I can speak English well but I have difficulty with writing and reading. Can you help me?”

  She showed me a text message Richard had sent to her. Surely he hoped Dao would show it to somebody who would read it to her or she already had told him that she met me. I read the text message and translated it in Thai as well. Dao asked me to write an answer which I did. A little while later Richard answered and Dao asked me to write another text message again. Dao stopped to tell me what to write, she trusted me and said that I was a farang and would know what a fellow farang wanted to read.

  In between, I always called Som but she didn’t answer the phone; I started to worry.

  Later, I sat down on the balcony in my apartment and enjoyed the view of the Beach Road and the sea. And I waited for Som, for her call or her arrival. She called sometime later and said she would start to pack her stuff and move in the next morning.

  * * *

  She brought one travel bag when moving in with me. I told the girls at the reception that Som would live with me now. Nobody had anything against it; they only asked for Som’s ID-card which was copied. We celebrated Som’s moving in with sex and later went out to eat something. Slowly I got my appetite back.

  After Som went to her parlour I got a surprise visit by a very jumpy Dao.

  “What’s up?” I asked. “Why don’t you sit down? Don’t you have to work?”

  Dao sat down on my bed. “I took some hours off.”

  Rung seemed to be not that serious about the bar-fine. Usually bargirls and masseuses have to ransom themselves if they want to leave their establishment for a longer time.

  Dao told me that Rung wanted to sell the parlour. For 100,000 baht. She wanted to take over the parlour–at any cost. It had always been her dream to run a massage parlour.

  “Rung needs money ASAP. And you have to help me because I want to buy the parlour.”

  She didn’t have any money of course.

  “Could you text Richard and ask him for 150,000 baht?”

  “I thought the parlour is 100,000?”

  “I need more money for other things. But please don’t tell him. Just tell him the parlour is 150,000.”

  “What do you think if I buy the parlour?” I joked.

  Dao looked at me angrily and I knew how serious she was.

  “Could you help me, please? I will never ever forget it.”

  I knew Dao had several boyfriends. There was Richard, who should pay for the parlour. She was married to an Australian but he had no money and they separated more or less. Sometimes the two talked on the telephone. And there was another chap, I called him Mr. Hong Kong. He was a Chinese man who sneaked around Dao all the time. He called himself an architect but I have never seen him work.

  “I don’t know if I can do this,” I said finally.

  Dao’s eyes beamed when she said, “Please.” She added, “I will be the mamasan and Som can work with me of course.”

  Thereupon I wrote a text message to Richard. A triple message. I didn’t leave anything out; it was a real tear-jerker. I almost cried myself. I gave him my mobile phone number and told Richard to call me if he had any questions.

  He called indeed–after Dao was gone. Richard had been to Pattaya quite often and knew the game. He knew the parlour’s location was everything but good. Only few tourists went to Third Road. To both sides were more massage parlour
s. If you came from the right you went into the parlour on the right. If you came from the other direction you went into the left parlour. Who would enter the parlour in the middle? I reassured him and said that business was not too bad. Som never complained about too little work. Everybody waited for high season and hoped for a shower of money.

  “By the way I want to open a parlour myself in the next time,” I said conclusively.

  Richard wanted to sleep the matter over and call again on the next day. I went to Dao with the news who worked in her parlour. She was delighted because she firmly believed that Richard would transfer the money.

  I talked to Som. She waited for customers and I took the opportunity. When I wanted to go out with her I had to pay the bar-fine. I didn’t want to. And I didn’t want to wait until midnight. That’s why I sat next to her in front of the parlour.

  “I have to think about what to do,” I said.

  “We buy a house and a massage parlour,” she explained. “What do you think?”

  “Don’t you like the apartment?”

  “Sure. But I want to live in a beautiful house. That’s much nicer. And we don’t have to pay any rent, but only electricity and water. No noisy neighbours, no door slamming. What do you think?” she repeated.

  The argument was persuasive. Apart from the rent I didn’t like the constant noise which came not only from the Beach Road but from my neighbours. They hadn’t yet learned the proper use of doors. They were always slammed, and the walls vibrated.

  “So how much will that be? Approximately?” I asked.

  “It depends. We don’t want a large house. Maybe one million baht. Including the plot of land.”

  I had the money, so there didn’t seem to be any problem. If you calculated it in Western standards, the house was kind more than reasonable.

  “I had already taken a look at houses. Some are very beautiful and they are far quieter than our apartment.”

  “You don’t lose time, right?” I said. Did she plan all this before and embroiled me skilfully in this conversation?

  I was curious anyway. “Okay.”

  “Now?” she pushed.

  “You can't see much in the darkness. Very well now.”

  “Do you pay my bar-fine?”

  I gave her 200 baht a little bit unwillingly. After that, we looked for two motorcycle taxis. Som instructed the drivers and we were on our way to inspect some houses for sale. While riding, Som talked continuously into her mobile phone.

  Two houses we only viewed from outside. Som said immediately she didn’t like them and the location wasn’t the best. I couldn’t follow her and wanted to see the houses from inside but Som said she didn’t want to disturb the owners. It would be better not to enter the property.

  Then we went to a third house, surrounded by a high white wall. A large sliding gate was the entry to a half tilted little garden. Through a glass door we could enter the house. A very cultivated Thai woman welcomed us and accompanied us inside. The large living room was about 50 square metres. The tilted floor and the walls were white. A couple of steps lead to the kitchen which was attached to the living room without any separating walls. A bathroom was nearby. Another bathroom branched off another room, which Som immediately named our bedroom. The turquoise tilted bathrooms seemed to be in best shape. There was a third room which could be used as work or guestroom. Som looked at me as eagerly as the owner.

  “How much is it?” I asked.

  “900,000 baht. This is a special price for a house in Pattaya.”

  “And this is then mine? Or ours?”

  Som told me about the procedure to buy a house, “We arrange a pre-contract and will go to a notary afterwards. He will do the rest with the government agencies. It is really easy.”

  I nodded satisfied.

  “We don’t have to pay everything,” Som said. “With the purchase contract we can get a mortgage from a bank because we have the property as guaranty.”

  The owner asked whether we were interested. Som looked at me from the side and said yes. The owner produced from a chest drawer two pieces of paper. Large gaps with dots disrupted a text in Thai language. Apparently forms which had to be filled out. I figured they were the sales contract. The woman had done some work before, in some of the gaps she had written something with a ball pen. Evidently her name and address and the address of the house. Only Som’s and my name were missing on the form.

  Som sat down at the kitchen table and started to fill in the forms. She fetched her ID-card and started to copy the letters. Som could hardly read and write. I hadn’t noticed this deficiency before.

  When I raised the topic later she explained that she had gone to school for only one year. Usually boys and girls in Isaan enjoy between a four-and six-year education which enables them to read and write at a rudimentary level. Som said she had to take care of her mother and left school after first grade. She didn’t say what “take care” meant. It could be everything, also in Thai language. I figured it was child labour and that she was exploited by her mother.

  It took Som some time to copy her address from her ID-card. Then she took the second form and copied the letters from the first form. It didn’t go much quicker. After that, I examined the forms carefully. I could only read the numbers. The house numbers of the contract parties, a third house number, assumedly the number of the house I wanted to buy and the sum of 100,000 baht. I tapped on the one with the five noughts.

  “What about that?” I asked.

  “That’s the advance payment. She would like to have it today. We will do the rest tomorrow.”

  “I see.” Then I discovered two dates on the contract.

  Som said before I could ask, “At the bottom is the today’s date, the date of the arrangement. The other one in the middle is the date of the purchase. The first of next month. She said she wanted to move out then, so we can move in afterwards.”

  I made another tour, asked some specific questions and about electricity and water consumption. At the ceiling were some fans every room had air conditioning which were switched on after I asked for it. We went in the garden and walked around the house. I viewed the water tank and looked at my watch.

  “The bank is still open. From the ATM I only can get 20,000 baht per day. We have to go to our apartment because I need my passport. Then we could go to the bank and will come back here.”

  Som shook her head. “Don’t bother. She will accompany us.”

  The lady seemed to be afraid that I changed my mind on the way to the bank. But she shouldn’t have worried. The house was perfect. We would move in as quickly as possible and if we could find a massage parlour in a good location I didn’t have to worry about anything anymore in my new life. We went back into the house, I signed both contracts and added in one of the gaps my name and current address in Pattaya.

  We left the house, onto the small, quiet soi. Motorcycle taxis weren’t around and we had to walk quite a while. Som became tired very quickly. She hated to walk just like many Thais. Even if she had to walk only 100 metres she would already begin to complain. And here she had to walk for ten minutes in the heat of the afternoon sun. She hadn’t a cap or another headpiece. No cloths, no umbrella. To defend herself from the sun, so she held up the contracts in front of her forehead. I pitied her.

  You had to have a motorcycle in Pattaya, I learned that very quickly, especially if you lived on a small soi without taxis or baht busses. So, this should become a very special day. I invited Som and the house owner to a good restaurant for a meal and after that I lead Som to a motorcycle shop on Soi Buakhao which I had spotted during my many walks. We chose a blue Yamaha with yellow metallic rims. The seat, which is always black, should be white. If a motorcycle stood for a while in the sun you burned your bottom when you sat down. The seat had to be changed–a special customer specification. We could get the machine in the early evening.

  Som and I raced around town. We went along all the main road of Pattaya to test the bike. Then we w
ent to Big C and began a shopping spree to mark the occasion. Besides uncountable amounts of food, I bought Som some colourful tops and T-shirts, and granted myself some shirts with short sleeves and some shorts. The shopping continued with tableware, glasses, a huge fan and some candles and candle bearers. When we drove back to my apartment on the new motorcycle, I felt like the happiest man on earth. That was the new life I had longed for. The love of my life accompanied me; soon we would live a beautiful house and open a massage parlour in a good location.

  The balcony became the most used “room” in our apartment, that’s why we wanted to make it the most beautiful part of the flat. After bringing the shopping bags from Big C we went to a garden centre and bought some lovely potted plants for our balcony. We wanted to place the plants in the garden of the new house after our move.

  After arranging everything we sat down on the balcony, lighted the candles and watched the dark sea. Fishing boats plied around the bay, we could vaguely see their navigation lights. On the left side of the beach were two or three ships anchored. They were floating restaurants, behind them on a hill were huge letters beaming which always changed colour: PATTAYA city. The word “city” blinked violet. I fell in love with the view. The new house might have a lot of advantages but I had regrettably to do without the beach view.