by Joanne Ellis
He’d gone home to catch up on some much needed sleep but it hadn’t come. All he could think about was the knife at her throat and the blood running down her neck. He had never wanted to get involved with anyone, ever. Then he’d met Chelsea and she’d turned his world upside down.
Her kidnapping nearly sent him crazy. He never wanted to feel dread and helplessness again, as he had the day his parents died. But Lucas did feel it all over again and it was almost too much. He had to walk away. He wouldn’t be able to take it again.
That morning, after a useless attempt at trying to rest, he discovered he still wasn’t ready to face anything just yet, especially her. He called Maggie and asked her to cover for him for a few hours and she kindly said she would.
“Take all the time you need,” she told him. “As long as the decision you make is the right one.”
He’d spent all morning thinking about her and their time together, which merely caused his heart to ache. If it hurt this much and she was still alive, imagine how much it would hurt if she wasn’t. This was the mantra he repeated over and over but his heart wouldn’t listen. So to escape reliving their memories, he showered and went to work.
Now he didn’t know what to do. Maggie was right - he was a coward and he decided he’d better make a decision, so he drove towards the hospital.
* * *
Chelsea was lost in her memories when Lucas trudged in, eyes downcast. He slumped into the nearby chair. She noticed immediately that he could not, would not, lift his eyes to her. She knew they would be dark and troubled.
“How are you feeling?” he asked.
“I’m not going to tell you until you look at me.”
He brought his eyes to hers and the unmistakable look of regret and sadness was etched within them. His expression however, remained blank.
“I’m fine,” she said shortly.
“Chelsea …” He paused as he traced her injuries with his eyes before looking down again. “I can’t go through that again. Losing my parents and seeing them that day was the worst thing that has happened to me, until Thursday. I never wanted to ever get close to anyone so I wouldn’t ever have to feel loss like that again and …” He trailed off, unsure of what to say.
“And what, Lucas?” she said coolly. “You would rather be alone and sad than scared and happy?”
“Something like that,” he mumbled.
She didn’t answer, so he continued. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. I guess I just got lost in the moment and I ....”
“Just go,” she said to him cutting him off.
“Chelsea I …”
“I ... said ....go.”
He stood up and walked out without looking at her. Dumbfounded, Chelsea curled up and hugged the pillow to her chest. Hot tears stung her face as the pain consumed her.
Chapter 35
Indifference
Sunday
It felt as though his heart had been ripped out. Lucas thought it was impossible to feel worse than he already did, only to discover it wasn’t. Work was the only answer, so he drove towards the precinct with the intent of absorbing himself in the arson investigation. Perhaps he could forget her face and how battered it was because, at the moment, it was a permanent scar in his mind.
Her left eye was various shades of purple and yellow, with stitches in the corner near the eyebrow. Her bottom lip was split and swollen and there was a large dark bruise on her right cheek. Both wrists were bandaged, as was her throat, and he definitely did not want to imagine what was underneath.
Seeing her battered and bruised had been what tipped him over the edge. Walking away was the only option. He hadn’t protected her and she’d gotten hurt. He had lost focus and she had almost lost her life. Yes, he was going to be alone and miserable but he knew that it was better than living with the constant fear of her death. He loved her and he was doing this for her.
As he was about to climb out of the car, his phone rang again.
“Hudson.”
“Hello, Lucas, how are you?”
“I’m fine, Carrie.”
“You’re always fine but I want to know how you really are. Come over after work. Nathan is taking the kids to a movie so I thought I would cook you some dinner. I doubt you’ve eaten properly in the last couple of days. I won’t take no for an answer. See you at seven.” She hung up.
He dropped into the station on the way to Carrie’s to drop off his notes from the arson case to be typed up in the morning. Chelsea’s file was sitting on his desk and he knew Maggie had left it there, urging him to read it. He picked it up and thumbed the cover as he contemplated what to do. Did he want to know what was inside? This was hard enough. Knowing about her ordeal was definitely not going to help. Andrew Smyth, or Chad Wilson, or whatever his name was had been deranged and there would be nothing in the file to indicate any differently. Maggie had said Chelsea was feeling guilty but this would be her empathic nature rather than reason. She had nothing to feel guilty about. This wasn’t her fault, it was his. He had been chasing the wrong person all along. Throwing the file back on Maggie’s desk he decided to ignore it.
* * *
As he didn’t want to make the lecture he was about to receive any worse, Lucas ensured he arrived at his sister’s house promptly at seven. Nathan, Mabel and Tommy were heading towards the car as he walked to the door.
“Uncle Lucas,” they both cried together before running over to hug his legs.
“Are you coming to the movies with us?” Mabel asked him.
“Not tonight, Mabe Babe. I’m having dinner with your mum.”
“Will you be taking us out tomorrow?” Tommy asked.
“No, I have to work this weekend but I promise next week, okay?”
“Okay,” they chimed and ran towards their father’s car.
“Being happy is terrifying but it is worth it.” Nathan patted him on the back and then followed his children to the car.
“Wow, you look miserable,” Carrie said.
He shrugged.
“Come and tell me what is going on in that head of yours.”
“Nothing, Carrie. I’m fine.”
“Yes, so you said.”
She guided him into the dining room, put a plate and a beer down in front of him and began her inquisition.
“So, I hear you’re going to walk away from the best thing that ever happened to you.”
“Who told you that?” he asked her between bites.
“Maggie did.” She paused. “Before you get cranky, I would have found out anyway.”
He shrugged again and continued eating.
“Lucas, I thought you loved her. How can you do this, especially after everything she’s been through?”
“I’m doing this because of everything that happened. Besides too late now, it’s done.”
“What has gotten into you? Yesterday you were devastated at the thought of losing her and today you walk away.”
He shrugged. “It ran its course. She was kidnapped and it was my job to find her as it was my job to investigate the murders. I was concerned because I had a thing with her. I wasn’t focused enough to do my job and I blame myself for what happened.”
“Lucas! Stop using your tough detective act with me.”
“I’m not.”
“What happened to the Lucas I saw last Sunday?”
He shrugged. “He got caught up in the moment I guess. The moment has passed. This is great by the way.”
“Ok, if you’re going to hide behind this bravado, Lucas—“
“I’m not,” he cut her off. “Why is this your concern anyway?”
“Damn it, Lucas. Stop it!”
He looked up at her and his composure crumbled.
“I just can’t do it, Carrie. Look how I reacted when she was gone and I’d only known her just over a week. It is only going to get harder the longer I know her and if anything happened to her again, it would be the end of me,” he said his voice full of torment.<
br />
“Ah, there you are.” She paused. “Lucas, honey, I already told you about what-ifs. You can’t go through life worrying about what might happen.”
“It did happen, Carrie. I didn’t protect her because I couldn’t think straight when I was with her.”
“You really believe this is your fault?”
“Things seem to happen to people that love me.”
“She’s still alive, Lucas and she is because of who you are.”
“That is not the point, Carrie.”
“Well, what is?”
“That I was right all along about not to getting involved. I knew my heart wouldn’t be able to take it.”
“You’re so stubborn.”
“Look who’s talking.”
“Ok, be a hard head about this but I think you deserve to be happy and I think Chelsea is the girl who will do that. I saw you with her and I got my little brother back for the first time in thirteen years. Yes, you’re terrified but we all feel like that, Lucas. You think it was easy for me? I can tell you that it wasn’t. As much as I loved Nathan, the fear felt like it was bigger.”
“Exactly my point.”
“I’m not finished,” she said, frowning at him. “Once the love grew stronger the fear went away. The chance to be happy was greater than the fear. The feeling of being in love was so wonderful that it didn’t matter what would or could happen tomorrow. All that matters is how you feel each day, and to cherish every moment. You’re just going to be miserable without her anyway.”
“Why do you think I’m finding it so difficult? I think about her every moment of every day. The ache I feel because I’m not with her, that I’m not there for her is getting worse but I … just ... can’t ...”
“I know, honey but how does it feel when you’re with her?”
“Like there’s no-one else in the world.”
“Then take the chance. Something bad has already happened and she’s still alive. You should be relieved, not running away because she might not be.”
“I hurt her. She won’t want to see me now.”
“I think you’re underestimating her feelings for you.”
“I have to think about it some more.”
“I think you do too much thinking and what you should be doing is following your heart. Now there is nothing more I can say. It’s up to you now.”
“You’re right it is up to me and I thought I’d already made my decision.”
“Well I think it’s the wrong one,” she told him taking away his dinner dishes. “Maybe you should go home. I’m far too annoyed at you right now.”
Lucas thought about everything Carrie had said to him while sitting alone in his barren apartment. With his heart empty and his mind full of Chelsea, he tried once again to get the sleep he needed.
Chapter 36
Home
Sunday
After Lucas had left her the previous day, Chelsea spent the rest of the afternoon and night with her misery. She told the nursing staff she didn’t want any more visitors. She couldn’t believe it could possibly hurt so much after only knowing him a week. Chelsea couldn't remember feeling this awful, even when Wes left her and they’d been together three years.
Wes. He hadn’t left her though had he?
She shuddered and decided that door needed to be closed, permanently. Guilt would consume her if she didn’t. She didn’t want to believe her very existence drove Andrew to destroy so many lives. He had been unstable and she should be grateful for being alive. She had assumed Lucas would be too but how wrong she’d been. Did she push too hard, ask too many questions? Had she wanted too much too soon? She’d pushed Lucas away with her excessive questions, her neediness.
The idea of returning to her empty house filled with memories drove a wedge of pain through her already shattered heart. The thought of getting on with her life or even Bloom held little appeal. What was she going to do now? Chelsea pondered over this while nursing her heartache. She had some decisions to make.
She’d made up her mind only moments before Charlotte was wheeled in again for a visit after lunch.
“Sorry I haven’t come to visit again before now but the drill sergeant nurse wouldn’t let me.” She frowned at the nurse pushing the chair. “She says we need our rest but I feel perfectly rested and can’t wait to get out of here.”
“In a couple of days,” the nurse told her and then left.
“So you look as gloomy as me. Are you ready to go home too?”
“Yes but not back to my house. I want to go home, back to Mum and Dad’s.”
“You probably need a holiday. It’s a good idea.”
“Not for a holiday, Charlotte. Permanently.”
“What? Why?”
“There’s nothing for me here.”
“What about Lucas? And Bloom?”
“The shop can be sold. I can open one down there. Since Mrs. Newman’s store closed, there’s no florist and there is a whole market waiting to be serviced.”
“What about Lucas?’
“What about him?”
“I thought you were in love with him.”
“I am, it seems - he isn’t.”
“What happened?”
“He decided I wasn’t worth sticking around for.”
“He’s just scared. He was going out of his mind when you were missing. Someone doesn’t do that if they don’t care, Chelsea. He’ll come around.”
“If that really was the case, where is he now I’m safe? Besides I’m not sitting around here waiting for him to make up his mind.”
“I’m not saying that. I’m simply suggesting you hold off making any decisions right now. Give it a bit of time and then come home.”
“I’ve made my decision. I’ll call Mum later and have her put the house up for rent or sale. The shop I can sell when I get home.”
“Is this what you really want?”
“No, yes, I don’t know.”
The drill sergeant returned. “That’s long enough.”
“Of course it is,” Charlotte said, glaring at the nurse. “Please just think about it some more, Chels,” she said as she was wheeled away.
* * *
That afternoon the doctor came in and checked on her.
“How are you feeling, Chelsea?
“Sore.” She offered a small smile.
“I’m pleased with how you’re progressing. You have finished your course of antibiotics and your blood tests show you are free of infection. Your wounds are healing well, so I think you can go home in the morning.”
“Thanks, Doctor.”
“You’re welcome.” He offered her a warm smile before making notes on her chart.
Chelsea was grateful to be leaving and couldn’t wait to pack her things so she could get to her parents' house as soon as possible. Now that she’d made the decision to be where she felt happy and safe, she was anxious to get started.
“My only condition for sending you home early is you have to promise to rest.”
“I will.” He smiled again and left her to it.
Moments later Carrie walked in, her expression guarded as she sat in the chair.
“Hey, Chelsea, how are you feeling?” She stopped when Chelsea turned to her. “Ouch! Looking at you, I think I have my answer.” She smiled.
“I think it looks worse than it feels.” Chelsea smiled in return, trying to feign a happy face.
“How are you, really?”
“I’ll be better when I go home.”
“When are they releasing you?”
“Tomorrow morning then I’ll be packing to go home, back to my parents' house.”
“How long are you going for?”
“I’m going to stay. There is nothing for me here anymore. I’m going to sell the shop and start again.”
“Lucas does love you. He’s just scared.”
Chelsea just shrugged. “I need to be around people that love me right now. I need to … heal.”
“For what it�
��s worth, I think you’re very brave.”
“I feel a little bit like a coward, like I’m running away.”
“Sweetie, you’re not a coward, Lucas is.”
Chelsea shrugged again, what more was there to say? He no longer wanted to be in her life and she had to accept it.
They chatted about other things for a few minutes until Chelsea pretended she was tired and Carrie left.
The moment she was gone, Chelsea called her mother. After a long drawn out conversation with Sarah, who asked numerous times if she was sure it was what she wanted to do, Chelsea assured her it was. Sarah told her she’d take care of it on Monday.
* * *
Hoping he wouldn’t have time to think about her, Lucas buried himself in work. He would get over her in time; didn’t they say it healed all wounds?
When Maggie came in, she took one look at Lucas and knew immediately he hadn’t sorted things out or made the right decision.
“Do not even start with me, Maggie and thanks for calling my sister again.”
“I’m just trying to help you, Lucas. I want you to be happy. I was starting to enjoy the new you.”
“Well, I just want everyone to stay out of my business.”
“Ok, point taken. Now where are we with the arson case? Better get me up to speed.”
Lucas ran through the case and his findings along with what the arson specialist from the fire department had discovered. They spent the remainder of the morning conducting interviews and deciding on the next course of action.
By the end of a long day fatigue began to kick in, so Lucas, after grabbing a takeout dinner, went home to crash. He was just about to jump into bed, when his phone rang.
What now?
“Hudson.”
“I’m sorry about last night, honey.”
“That’s ok, Carrie. I’m used to it.”
“Ha ha, look, I’m just worried about you.”
“I’ll be right.”
“Ok but I have something else to say and then I’ll drop it.”
“Good because I’m tired and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”