The Keeper

by Hawke, Rosanne

  ‘What changed?’

  ‘That when I got out I wanted to mean something to someone, to be more than one of a herd – I wanted to make a difference.’

  It’s getting dark and I stare up at Dev’s shape against the evening sky. Something’s welling up inside me begging to be said, but how can it? What if Zoe talks Gran around and I can’t see Dev any more? Dev’s already made a difference. Can’t he see that? But if Gran says I can’t – I mean, Gran’s like a mum. How far will I have to go to keep Dev? Surely I won’t have to choose? Not between Dev and Gran?

  16

  I want to stay with Dev in the boatshed but he’s adamant. ‘They’ll be worried, mate. This is one thing you have to face. Hear them out. They might have good reason to be scared.’

  I’m extra thoughtful on the way home through the reserve. Scared, Dev had said. I haven’t noticed it before but all that ‘stranger danger’ stuff of Gran’s, is it because she’s frightened? And what of?

  Dev’s right about the scared stuff. As soon as I reach the back door, Zoe’s voice is calling Gran. ‘He’s here. It’s okay.’ Gran puts down the phone as I come into the kitchen. I stand there, watching them both, and for once Gran doesn’t say anything. It puts a different light on things when you know there’s a reason. I may as well just ask.

  ‘So, what’s going on?’ Perhaps I look calmer than I feel for they take me seriously. After a few looks at each other that would win awards in a spy film, Gran sits at the table and pulls out a chair for me. Zoe puts the kettle on. She looks a little pinched round the mouth and her eyes are puffy. I suppose it’s due to me. Hardest thing saying sorry. ‘Umm – about before – I didn’t mean all that. I was mad, that’s all.’ Zoe manages a bit of a smile, looks relieved even. This ‘sorry’ stuff really works.

  ‘Joel, there are some things I haven’t told you.’ Gran glances at Zoe again. Zoe’s nod is slight but I catch the movement of it. It makes me annoyed that she’s in so thick with Gran. ‘Zoe’s all right, Joel. She wants the best for you, like I do. But there’s someone who doesn’t.’ Here it comes. They’re not going to start in on Dev, are they? ‘Cos if they are I’m ready.

  ‘When you were little a man kidnapped you.’ Gran pauses. ‘He hurt you badly. He needed money. When he was caught he was put in jail. You were given to me by your mother to keep you safe – she didn’t know at that time how the courts would rule, when he would get out, if he’d try again, or try to get custody of you.’

  So it’s true. ‘My father?’

  Gran nods. She’s none too happy. Her mouth’s all droopy and there are more little lines I’ve never noticed before.

  ‘Why didn’t my mother look after me?’

  ‘She was involved with drugs. Same as your father, Joel. The courts could have taken you away and put you in foster care and then none of us would have had you. I wanted you to stay in this family. So your grandad and I adopted you. That’s why your name is Billings.’

  ‘I thought it was because my mother wasn’t married or something.’

  ‘No. And legally I am your mother.’ I smile at that. A lady as old as Gran my real mum.

  ‘But you’re my real gran too?’

  ‘Yes.’ She seems troubled all of a sudden, hesitating as though there’s much more to say but she can’t. Then she sighs, moving to a different track. ‘There is something else, Joel.’ She turns to Zoe as she puts the cups on the table. ‘Zoe has found out that your father’s parole is due. That means he could be out of jail soon.’

  ‘And you think he might try to kidnap me again?’ So this is why she’s always saying to keep away from people I don’t know. ‘Gran, just tell me what he looks like. I can handle him.’ I roll my two hands into fists above the table.

  ‘Joel.’ Gran’s tone is like a restraining hand on a lively puppy. ‘He’s dangerous. And he could look different now. Nine years is a long time.’ But I’m not concentrating; suddenly I’m a on a different current.

  ‘Why does he want to kidnap me? Does he want me? I am his kid.’

  Gran’s eyes water. What have I said? ‘No, matey. No. Don’t ever think things like that. This man may biologically be your father but he did not bring you up and care for you.’ She doesn’t say he didn’t love you, he didn’t want you but the inference is there. It makes me dig my heels in.

  ‘But he did want me, didn’t he?’

  Gran glances over at Zoe. It’s a call for help but I don’t want Zoe’s help. She butts in anyway. ‘Joel, he wants money. I’m sorry. Gran told me that your grandad had left everything in a trust for you—’

  ‘The property on the peninsula? Not just the boat?’

  ‘Everything. Maybe he thinks he’ll have access to it through you.’

  ‘And Joel . . .’ Gran again. She pauses, so slightly that I don’t guess the damage she’ll cause to my world, no time to steel myself, ‘. . . that is why we feel it is too dangerous, this – this friendship with Dev Eagle.’

  ‘No!’ I jolt to my feet; my coffee spreads over the tablecloth as I push out my chair. It scrapes on the slate, too loud. I stand there above them, my breath hurting like fire each time it comes out. ‘You don’t understand! Dev likes me. He wants me. He’s got nothing to do with this, he just—’ I stop myself in time before I say the word ‘ad’. Gran would not understand that at all.

  This won’t work. Calm down, Joel. I take deep breaths. No one takes any notice until you calm down. I start again. ‘You liked him, Gran. You said so.’

  ‘He does seem very nice, yes, but Zoe followed you one night—’

  ‘So that was you. Dev heard something.’

  ‘Joel, it’s very odd how he’s just turned up. He may be a friend of your father’s and we can’t take the chance.’

  ‘But how could he poss—?’ Then I remember. Dev has been ‘inside’. But he didn’t have to tell me that. Surely that shows he’s on the level. Should I say? No. Gran and Zoe will take it as proof for sure. They can’t do this. They don’t know him.

  ‘But the fishing competition is at the weekend.’

  ‘Did you want him to do that? I’m so sorry, Joel.’ Gran’s starting to look totally distressed but right now I can’t afford to care.

  ‘No you’re not! You’re ruining my life! I never get to do the competition.’

  ‘Mei’s father could take you, he could use our boat—’

  ‘He’s never there for the competition; he’s always on the trawler.’

  ‘We could ask Mr Houser—’

  ‘With Shawn? You’ve got to be joking.’

  They’d make sure I lost. What father would let another kid win the annual fishing competition? ‘I want my own—’ I’m about to say ‘father’, but I know now that even if I had dreams about Dev, he’s not my real dad. But I can pretend, can’t I?

  ‘I want Dev to do it and he will!’ I don’t wait for any more arguments that I can’t win. So much for maturely talking stuff out. I blow it every time. I head for my room, the one place no one follows me. Even if it does look like an ammunition dump, it’s the one place of calm in the midst of a stampede. Weird, Dev too has started to become a place where the horses stay in their stables. If only I could explain to Gran what it’s like when I’m with Dev. Surely she’d see. But she’s only listening to Zoe. It’s Zoe who’s ruining my life.

  None of it could be true, could it? Dev likes me, he’s as good as said. He’s come just for me, he’s come because of the ad. Hasn’t he?

  17

  I tell Dev about it in the morning. Almost all about it. I don’t mention that I’m not supposed to see him any more or about the fishing competition. Dev would be the type to pack up and go home for sure if he heard what Gran said. Home. Does Dev have a home? So much I don’t know.

  ‘I suppose your father’s name is Scott. That’s the name Zoe was throwing around last night. I didn’t know an
y Scott inside. What’s his surname? Is it the same as yours?’

  My mind goes blank. ‘I – I don’t know. It must be different. Gran and Grandad adopted me.’

  ‘They wanted you that much, eh?’

  It’s just the way he says it, easy like, but so important. It makes me stare hard and think too. If only Gran could hear Dev when he says things like that. Of course he’s a nice bloke. I push away the heavy wings of Gran’s fear, and grin. ‘Yeah, guess they did.’

  It’s like the sun stands still, these times I spend with Dev. Today is no different and it’s not until I’m on my way home through the reserve when I get to worrying again how to wangle the fishing competition. Mr Houser is organising it again this year. There’s no way he’ll let a kid do it without parental permission. At least I’ve caught some bait to make that special berley Grandad used to freeze up before a big fishing trip. Maybe if I don’t shout and swear at Gran; maybe if I try extra hard to explain what it’s like with Dev, she’ll understand.

  I have a go after tea. ‘Gran, about Dev.’ It’s harder than I bargain for. I can tell what she’s thinking before I even start. She’s watching me like I’m about to pounce, all wary like, with the dirty dishes in her hands. I give it one last shot. ‘He’s okay, really. He likes me. He’s my mate—’

  ‘Joel, if this is about Saturday, I’m sorry.’ She looks sorry too, sorry and scared but it doesn’t make it any easier.

  ‘I knew it wouldn’t work – talking. You never listen.’

  ‘Joel, that’s not true—’ But I’m out of there.

  It’s only later when they think I’m asleep that I hear the drops of conversation like sea spray in an angry wind.

  ‘. . . too harsh . . .’

  ‘. . . dangerous . . .’

  And Gran’s light rumble, admonishing, ‘I should’ve told . . . everything . . .’ I shiver, halfway between waking and dreaming. What more could there be? Enough was said today to crumble my whole world into pieces.

  Yet Zoe’s murmur is suddenly hopeful. ‘. . . a way . . . possible . . .’ It almost makes me want to get out of bed and listen harder, but not quite.

  Next day I can’t find Dev. Nor can I ask about him. It’d be sure to get back to Gran somehow. I find myself at Mei’s place instead. Part of me feels mean for neglecting her, for only coming because I can’t see Dev. She knows it too.

  ‘Not out with Dev today?’

  I stand there for three seconds, then turn. I don’t need this. ‘Wait!’ Mei’s catching at my arm. ‘Don’t be like that. I didn’t mean it.’

  ‘You did.’

  She shrugs. There’s a twinkle in her eye. Why have I always thought she was a mouse? ‘So I got it off my chest. Can we start again? C’mon, let’s do something.’

  ‘How’s the writing?’

  Mei’s cheeks start to colour. I don’t see why. I didn’t say anything rude.

  ‘I’m trying to write a novel but I’m not getting very far.’

  ‘You should write about people you know.’ She’s annoyed but I still don’t know why.

  ‘You’re very knowledgeable for someone who doesn’t—’ She stops but not soon enough.

  Jumping dolphins! She’s picking on me. Not Mei? ‘Yeah? Someone who doesn’t what?’

  ‘Look, let’s not get into each other’s faces, right?’

  ‘I shouldn’t have come.’ Don’t have to be clever to work that out, at least.

  ‘You don’t have to be like this.’ Her tone changes. ‘What’s bothering you anyway?’ It’s her old tone, reassuring. Good old Mei. It suddenly strikes me she’s a bit like Dev – can win me round any time. If anyone else at school starts arguing with me when I’m like this, I can’t resist the challenge of winning. Mei’s got that ‘I-want-to-understand’ gleam in her black eyes.

  Lost, I sigh. ‘It’s Gran. Well, Zoe, I think.’

  ‘Zoe? Your – boarder?’

  ‘Yeah. They won’t let me see Dev. And now I think he’s gone.’

  ‘It might be for the best, don’t you think?’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘You don’t know much about him, do you?’

  ‘I don’t have to. Look, Mei. He’s a good bloke. The best. But no one will believe me. Not even you. Do you?’

  Mei chews her lip; glances at me from the side. Surely Mei will understand. ‘It’s just weird, that’s all. Him coming. Even with the ad.’

  ‘Look. There’s things you don’t know. If you knew everything you’d like him too—’

  ‘Try me.’

  I hesitate. There’s no way I can do that. Dev’s my mate. ‘I can’t. It’s private, but I know he’s okay.’

  Mei doesn’t look convinced and it’s tough spending time with someone who doesn’t approve of what you’re doing. However hard Mei tries to smile and join in on my enthusiasm for Dev, the zing just isn’t there. It’s not long before I remember something else I have to do.

  Mei

  I spent the day with Joel today. Well, part of it. It nearly turned out a disaster. He was in such a mood in the beginning, but fortunately it’s not too hard to get him out of it. Except when he’s really down. It’s funny, ever since that Dev’s been around, Joel’s hardly ever been really down. Before, he could never go two days without getting depressed over something.

  Today he was fine after we got over the preliminaries. I was so annoyed that he hadn’t come by before. I think because I like him so much little things bother me more. If my friend Danielle decided not to come near me for days I wouldn’t even notice.

  I’m so scared that Joel will catch on that I like him. When he does it’ll ruin everything. Mum reckons boys like him are too young to think of girls yet. Well, I wish he’d hurry and grow up then. It’s just not fair. The weird thing is no one else seems to like him – out of the girls, that is. All they see is the way he loses it in class.

  I asked Mum about Dev Eagle tonight. I told her everything. Joel will never understand but I had to decide which was more important: what he thinks of me, or trying to live with myself if something happened to him. I think Joel’s in big trouble yet I can’t explain why.

  Everyone’s talking about that Zoe too. Mrs Houser told Mum that if Zoe was just a boarder she’d put her hand in a rock pool with a blue-ringed octopus. Mrs Houser does go on a bit though. Mum said not to say anything to Joel about what everyone’s saying in case it’s not true. I reckon it’ll be cool if it was but Mum said it could be too much of a shock.

  18

  It’s Friday night. I’m in the little old stone shed mincing up fish offal and bread for berley, even though I still haven’t thought of a way to do the competition. Not without defying Gran, that is, and I know Dev wouldn’t be in on that. None of it’s worked out as I’d hoped. How had I thought Gran would accept a stranger as a dad with all her ‘stranger danger’ fears? I should have thought it through more. It seemed a great idea at the time; now it’s just a mess. Dev isn’t always there now when I go down to the old jetty, and Zoe’s words keep bashing away in my head – he’s in with Scott. What’s she know anyway? And Gran – he doesn’t want you. But that wasn’t Dev – that was my birth father she was talking about.

  Gran and Zoe are putting extra effort into being kind, but it doesn’t make up for Dev. Nothing could. Maybe they see how cut up I am. Maybe that’s why Zoe gets her ‘maybe-there’s a-way’ idea. She’s in the kitchen waiting for me when I put the berley in the freezer.

  ‘You’re what!’ My tone hangs somewhere between hope and horror.

  ‘I’m coming too. It’s the only way.’

  ‘With Dev?’

  Zoe sighs. ‘Yes. You and Dev will enter the competition but I come on the boat as well.’

  ‘But it doesn’t work like that—’ Something warns me to go careful. Sounds like I’m getting to do the competition at least. ‘What i
f Dev won’t do that? There’s not a lot of room.’ Somehow I can’t see Dev welcoming Zoe into his fishing space. Zoe’s quiet awhile as she watches me. I’m learning to get worried when people watch me like that as if gauging how well I’ll take the next piece of information.

  ‘He will do it. I’ve already spoken to him.’

  ‘You what?’

  ‘You see, Mei’s told Gran about Dev replying to the—’

  ‘Mei?’ Shock courses through my body. My legs actually bow. It’s like being smashed against a rock face. ‘Mei dobbed?’

  ‘It’s not what you think, Joel. She was worried about you. As it is, it’s good she did . . .’ but Zoe’s voice is fading. Mei’s my mate. Mei? ‘. . . did the right thing . . . the right thing.’ I back away. This must be the first time in history that I don’t react. I don’t shout, I don’t throw anything. Something falls away, inside. Mei? I can’t hear any more, just turn and quietly walk to my room.

  No, it certainly hasn’t gone the way I thought. So much emotion in the house now; if you struck a match the air would burst into flames. Gran’s clucking, trying to win me round through the closed door. Zoe’s supporting her, kind but unyielding, with some emotion close to the surface that I can’t understand. How come she got so involved with our affairs? Isn’t there some place all good boarders disappear to when a crisis happens in a boarding house – their own home, for instance?

  Mei

  When I told Mrs Billings she already knew. Most of it, anyway. Guess Joel would never understand that it was me telling them about the ad that’s made them let him do the competition tomorrow after all. No point trying to explain either. I rang but he wouldn’t talk to me.

  I hope I did the right thing. If Dev’s no good, then Joel will be okay now whether he likes it or not. I think Mrs Billings has even asked the police to watch out for them tomorrow. What I don’t like to think about is if Joel’s right. If Dev’s on the level, he’ll leave now for sure. Who’d hang around after not being trusted like that?