Fantastic Fables

by Ambrose Bierce

  Approaching the shopkeeper, who had been narrowly observing him as he read the placard, he was about to speak, when the shopkeeper called to a salesman:

  “John, show this gentleman the world.”

  Rejected Services

  A Heavy Operator overtaken by a Reverse of Fortune was bewailing his sudden fall from affluence to indigence.

  “Do not weep,” said the Reverse of Fortune. “You need not suffer alone. Name any one of the men who have opposed your schemes, and I will overtake him.”

  “It is hardly worth while,” said the victim, earnestly. “Not a soul of them has a cent!”

  The Power of the Scalawag

  A Forestry Commissioner had just felled a giant tree when, seeing an honest man approaching, he dropped his axe and fled. The next day when he cautiously returned to get his axe, he found the following lines pencilled on the stump:

  “What nature reared by centuries of toil,

  A scalawag in half a day can spoil;

  An equal fate for him may Heaven provide—

  Damned in the moment of his tallest pride.”

  At Large—One Temper

  A Turbulent Person was brought before a Judge to be tried for an assault with intent to commit murder, and it was proved that he had been variously obstreperous without apparent provocation, had affected the peripheries of several luckless fellow-citizens with the trunk of a small tree, and subsequently cleaned out the town. While trying to palliate these misdeeds, the defendant’s Attorney turned suddenly to the Judge, saying:

  “Did your Honour ever lose your temper?”

  “I fine you twenty-five dollars for contempt of court!” roared the Judge, in wrath. “How dare you mention the loss of my temper in connection with this case?”

  After a moment’s silence the Attorney said, meekly:

  “I thought my client might perhaps have found it.”

  The Seeker and the Sought

  A Politician seeing a fat Turkey which he wanted for dinner, baited a hook with a grain of corn and dragged it before the fowl at the end of a long and almost invisible line. When the Turkey had swallowed the hook, the Politician ran, drawing the creature after him.

  “Fellow-citizens,” he cried, addressing some turkey-breeders whom he met, “you observe that the man does not seek the bird, but the bird seeks the man. For this unsolicited and unexpected dinner I thank you with all my heart.”

  His Fly-Speck Majesty

  A Distinguished Advocate of Republican Institutions was seen pickling his shins in the ocean.

  “Why don’t you come out on dry land?” said the Spectator. “What are you in there for?”

  “Sir,” replied the Distinguished Advocate of Republican Institutions, “a ship is expected, bearing His Majesty the King of the Fly-Speck Islands, and I wish to be the first to grasp the crowned hand.”

  “But,” said the Spectator, “you said in your famous speech before the Society for the Prevention of the Protrusion of Nail Heads from Plank Sidewalks that Kings were blood-smeared oppressors and hell-bound loafers.”

  “My dear sir,” said the Distinguished Advocate of Republican Institutions, without removing his eyes from the horizon, “you wander away into the strangest irrelevancies! I spoke of Kings in the abstract.”

  The Pugilist’s Diet

  The Trainer of a Pugilist consulted a Physician regarding the champion’s diet.

  “Beef-steaks are too tender,” said the Physician; “have his meat cut from the neck of a bull.”

  “I thought the steaks more digestible,” the Trainer explained.

  “That is very true,” said the Physician; “but they do not sufficiently exercise the chin.”

  The Old Man and the Pupil

  A Beautiful Old Man, meeting a Sunday-school Pupil, laid his hand tenderly upon the lad’s head, saying: “Listen, my son, to the words of the wise and heed the advice of the righteous.”

  “All right,” said the Sunday-school Pupil; “go ahead.”

  “Oh, I haven’t anything to do with it myself,” said the Beautiful Old Man. “I am only observing one of the customs of the age. I am a pirate.”

  And when he had taken his hand from the lad’s head, the latter observed that his hair was full of clotted blood. Then the Beautiful Old Man went his way, instructing other youth.

  The Deceased and his Heirs

  A Man died leaving a large estate and many sorrowful relations who claimed it. After some years, when all but one had had judgment given against them, that one was awarded the estate, which he asked his Attorney to have appraised.

  “There is nothing to appraise,” said the Attorney, pocketing his last fee.

  “Then,” said the Successful Claimant, “what good has all this litigation done me?”

  “You have been a good client to me,” the Attorney replied, gathering up his books and papers, “but I must say you betray a surprising ignorance of the purpose of litigation.”

  The Politicians and the Plunder

  Several Political Entities were dividing the spoils.

  “I will take the management of the prisons,” said a Decent Respect for Public Opinion, “and make a radical change.”

  “And I,” said the Blotted Escutcheon, “will retain my present general connection with affairs, while my friend here, the Soiled Ermine, will remain in the Judiciary.”

  The Political Pot said it would not boil any more unless replenished from the Filthy Pool.

  The Cohesive Power of Public Plunder quietly remarked that the two bosses would, he supposed, naturally be his share.

  “No,” said the Depth of Degradation, “they have already fallen to me.”

  The Man and the Wart

  A Person with a Wart on His Nose met a Person Similarly Afflicted, and said:

  “Let me propose your name for membership in the Imperial Order of Abnormal Proboscidians, of which I am the High Noble Toby and Surreptitious Treasurer. Two months ago I was the only member. One month ago there were two. To-day we number four Emperors of the Abnormal Proboscis in good standing—doubles every four weeks, see? That’s geometrical progression—you know how that piles up. In a year and a half every man in California will have a wart on his Nose. Powerful Order! Initiation, five dollars.”

  “My friend,” said the Person Similarly Afflicted, “here are five dollars. Keep my name off your books.”

  “Thank you kindly,” the Man with a Wart on His Nose replied, pocketing the money; “it is just the same to us as if you joined. Good-by.”

  He went away, but in a little while he was back.

  “I quite forgot to mention the monthly dues,” he said.

  The Divided Delegation

  A Delegation at Washington went to a New President, and said:

  “Your Excellency, we are unable to agree upon a Favourite Son to represent us in your Cabinet.”

  “Then,” said the New President, “I shall have to lock you up until you do agree.”

  So the Delegation was cast into the deepest dungeon beneath the moat, where it maintained a divided mind for many weeks, but finally reconciled its differences and asked to be taken before the New President.

  “My child,” said he, “nothing is so beautiful as harmony. My Cabinet Selections were all made before our former interview, but you have supplied a noble instance of patriotism in subordinating your personal preferences to the general good. Go now to your beautiful homes and be happy.”

  It is not recorded that the Delegation was happy.

  A Forfeited Right

  The Chief of the Weather Bureau having predicted a fine day, a Thrifty Person hastened to lay in a large stock of umbrellas, which he exposed for sale on the sidewalk; but the weather remained clear, and nobody would buy. Thereupon the Thrifty Person brought an action against the Chief of the Weather Bureau for the cost of the umbrellas.

  “Your Honour,” said the defendant’s attorney, when the case was called, “I move that this astonishing action be dismissed. Not only is
my client in no way responsible for the loss, but he distinctly foreshadowed the very thing that caused it.”

  “That is just it, your Honour,” replied the counsel for the plaintiff; “the defendant by making a correct forecast fooled my client in the only way that he could do so. He has lied so much and so notoriously that he has neither the legal nor moral right to tell the truth.”

  Judgment for the plaintiff.

  Revenge

  An Insurance Agent was trying to induce a Hard Man to Deal With to take out a policy on his house. After listening to him for an hour, while he painted in vivid colours the extreme danger of fire consuming the house, the Hard Man to Deal With said:

  “Do you really think it likely that my house will burn down inside the time that policy will run?”

  “Certainly,” replied the Insurance Agent; “have I not been trying all this time to convince you that I do?”

  “Then,” said the Hard Man to Deal With, “why are you so anxious to have your Company bet me money that it will not?”

  The Agent was silent and thoughtful for a moment; then he drew the other apart into an unfrequented place and whispered in his ear:

  “My friend, I will impart to you a dark secret. Years ago the Company betrayed my sweetheart by promise of marriage. Under an assumed name I have wormed myself into its service for revenge; and as there is a heaven above us, I will have its heart’s blood!”

  An Optimist

  Two Frogs in the belly of a snake were considering their altered circumstances.

  “This is pretty hard luck,” said one.

  “Don’t jump to conclusions,” the other said; “we are out of the wet and provided with board and lodging.”

  “With lodging, certainly,” said the First Frog; “but I don’t see the board.”

  “You are a croaker,” the other explained. “We are ourselves the board.”

  A Valuable Suggestion

  A Big Nation having a quarrel with a Little Nation, resolved to terrify its antagonist by a grand naval demonstration in the latter’s principal port. So the Big Nation assembled all its ships of war from all over the world, and was about to send them three hundred and fifty thousand miles to the place of rendezvous, when the President of the Big Nation received the following note from the President of the Little Nation:

  “My great and good friend, I hear that you are going to show us your navy, in order to impress us with a sense of your power. How needless the expense! To prove to you that we already know all about it, I inclose herewith a list and description of all the ships you have.”

  The great and good friend was so struck by the hard sense of the letter that he kept his navy at home, and saved one thousand million dollars. This economy enabled him to buy a satisfactory decision when the cause of the quarrel was submitted to arbitration.

  Two Footpads

  Two Footpads sat at their grog in a roadside resort, comparing the evening’s adventures.

  “I stood up the Chief of Police,” said the First Footpad, “and I got away with what he had.”

  “And I,” said the Second Footpad, “stood up the United States District Attorney, and got away with—”

  “Good Lord!” interrupted the other in astonishment and admiration—“you got away with what that fellow had?”

  “No,” the unfortunate narrator explained—“with a small part of what I had.”

  Equipped for Service

  During the Civil War a Patriot was passing through the State of Maryland with a pass from the President to join Grant’s army and see the fighting. Stopping a day at Annapolis, he visited the shop of a well-known optician and ordered seven powerful telescopes, one for every day in the week. In recognition of this munificent patronage of the State’s languishing industries, the Governor commissioned him a colonel.

  The Basking Cyclone

  A Negro in a boat, gathering driftwood, saw a sleeping Alligator, and, thinking it was a log, fell to estimating the number of shingles it would make for his new cabin. Having satisfied his mind on that point, he stuck his boat-hook into the beast’s back to harvest his good fortune. Thereupon the saurian emerged from his dream and took to the water, greatly to the surprise of the man-and-brother.

  “I never befo’ seen such a cyclone as dat,” he exclaimed as soon as he had recovered his breath. “It done carry away de ruf of my house!”

  At the Pole

  After a great expenditure of life and treasure a Daring Explorer had succeeded in reaching the North Pole, when he was approached by a Native Galeut who lived there.

  “Good morning,” said the Native Galeut. “I‘m very glad to see you, but why did you come here?”

  “Glory,” said the Daring Explorer, curtly.

  “Yes, yes, I know,” the other persisted; “but of what benefit to man is your discovery? To what truths does it give access which were inaccessible before?—facts, I mean, having a scientific value?”

  “I‘ll be Tom scatted if I know,” the great man replied, frankly; “you will have to ask the Scientist of the Expedition.”

  But the Scientist of the Expedition explained that he had been so engrossed with the care of his instruments and the study of his tables that he had found no time to think of it.

  The Optimist and the Cynic

  A Man who had experienced the favours of fortune and was an Optimist, met a man who had experienced an optimist and was a Cynic. So the Cynic turned out of the road to let the Optimist roll by in his gold carriage.

  “My son,” said the Optimist, stopping the gold carriage, “you look as if you had not a friend in the world.”

  “I don’t know if I have or not,” replied the Cynic, “for you have the world.”

  The Poet and the Editor

  “My dear sir,” said the editor to the man, who had called to see about his poem, “I regret to say that owing to an unfortunate altercation in this office the greater part of your manuscript is illegible; a bottle of ink was upset upon it, blotting out all but the first line—that is to say—”

  “‘The autumn leaves were falling, falling.’

  “Unluckily, not having read the poem, I was unable to supply the incidents that followed; otherwise we could have given them in our own words. If the news is not stale, and has not already appeared in the other papers, perhaps you will kindly relate what occurred, while I make notes of it.

  “‘The autumn leaves were falling, falling,’

  “Go on.”

  “What!” said the poet, “do you expect me to reproduce the entire poem from memory?”

  “Only the substance of it—just the leading facts. We will add whatever is necessary in the way of amplification and embellishment. It will detain you but a moment.

  “‘The autumn leaves were falling, falling—’

  “Now, then.”

  There was a sound of a slow getting up and going away. The chronicler of passing events sat through it, motionless, with suspended pen; and when the movement was complete Poesy was represented in that place by nothing but a warm spot on the wooden chair.

  The Taken Hand

  A Successful Man of Business, having occasion to write to a Thief, expressed a wish to see him and shake hands.

  “No,” replied the Thief, “there are some things which I will not take—among them your hand.”

  “You must use a little strategy,” said a Philosopher to whom the Successful Man of Business had reported the Thief’s haughty reply. “Leave your hand out some night, and he will take it.”

  So one night the Successful Man of Business left his hand out of his neighbour’s pocket, and the Thief took it with avidity.

  An Unspeakable Imbecile

  A Judge said to a Convicted Assassin:

  “Prisoner at the bar, have you anything to say why the death-sentence should not be passed upon you?”

  “Will what I say make any difference?” asked the Convicted Assassin.

  “I do not see how it can,” the Judge answered, reflectively.
“No, it will not.”

  “Then,” said the doomed one, “I should just like to remark that you are the most unspeakable old imbecile in seven States and the District of Columbia.”

  A Needful War

  The people of Madagonia had an antipathy to the people of Novakatka and set upon some sailors of a Novakatkan vessel, killing two and wounding twelve. The King of Madagonia having refused either to apologise or pay, the King of Novakatka made war upon him, saying that it was necessary to show that Novakatkans must not be slaughtered. In the battles which ensued the people of Madagonia slaughtered two thousand Novakatkans and wounded twelve thousand. But the Madagonians were unsuccessful, which so chagrined them that never thereafter in all their land was a Novakatkan secure in property or life.

  The Mine Owner and the Jackass

  While the Owner of a Silver Mine was on his way to attend a convention of his species he was accosted by a Jackass, who said: