Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him

by Clair Delaney

  “She almost had a heart attack when she walked through the door, she wanted me to go to the police, but I said I didn’t even know what he looked like, so she dropped it. She and Joyce took care of me that week, Gladys was still working part time then so they took it in turns. I’ll always be eternally grateful to them both for that, they’ll never know how much it meant to me.”

  “And I take it you remember his face?” I instantly know where George is going with this.

  “I’m not going to the police George. I won't have it all dragged back up.”

  His lips set into a hard line, I can tell he doesn’t agree with me.

  “Ok, say I report it and they find him, it’s my word against his, and there’s no evidence. And don’t forget, I know this industry. I know how long these things take. It will take years to go through the system, to finally get to court, which means I’d have it hanging over me for what another two, three years. I won't do that George, I won't put myself through it, I know it sounds bad, but I’d rather just work on getting better.”

  George frowns at the floor, deep in thought.

  “And now you know...” I stare back at him with wide eyes. “You can help me right?”

  “Of course,” George whispers and knocks back the rest of his brandy. “So that’s why you’re so nervous about Tristan?” He surmises.

  “No...well sort of,” I answer taking another sip. “I’m terrified of having sex again and it all coming back to me. It’s hard enough having the triggers that I already have, to having this on top of it as well...” I shake that thought away.“I’m scared of how strongly I feel for Tristan, but I’m even more scared of him turning away from me when he learns who I really am, what I really am.

  “But Gladys and Joyce moving on have made me realise that unless I exorcise these demons, once and for all, then I’m going to be alone, completely alone, and that...that scares me more than anything else ever has.” It’s weird, now it’s out there, now I’ve said it out loud. I feel ready, I feel really determined, and I know I’m strong, that I can get through this. I just need some help.

  “So let’s get to work.” I say resolutely.

  “Well, you’ve already taken the first step towards healing,” George smiles.

  “Because I’ve told you?” I question, he nods once. “Ok, so what else can I do?” I question.

  “Well, you have several options. We can keep the sessions at twice a week, and there are several support groups for women, which I think you would find very beneficial. I have dealt with many patients in the past who have been through the same trauma, and when I’ve directed them towards these support groups, they have all said that having likeminded women around them, who have been through the same thing and are supporting each other, has greatly improved the healing process.

  “Now, having said that there have been several patients who have not gone down that line, they have chosen instead to go to the root of the problem by having sex again. It can be a way of freeing themselves of the panic, the fear. Some wait until they are in a relationship, some are brave enough to pick a guy up, gaining confidence as they do and some, well, some have used male escorts, no ties, just sex.”

  I gasp in horror.“Are you friggin kidding me? You want me to go out and have’ – “No,” he laughs. “I’m not telling you to do anything Coral. I’m just explaining to you how other women have dealt with the trauma of it.”

  “I’m not a victim,” I spit rising to my feet - I refuse to be, shit happens and you just have to deal with it the best way you can, my hands start to shake, a delayed reaction to talking about it.

  “I didn’t say you were.” George scowls.

  I sigh heavily and sit back down – Calm down Coral!

  “I’m sorry George,” I close my eyes for a second then look across at him. “Ok, so support groups. Aren’t they for women who are being abused by long term partners though?” I question.

  “Some are, others are for women who have basically had the same thing happen as you have. Would you like me to enquire for you?”

  “Yes please, I’ll try anything.” I say, George grins broadly at me. Then I remember what I thought of the other day. “You know, I was thinking about a lot of things the other day, running them over in my head, and I’m tired George, really, really, tired.”

  “What of?” He questions.

  “Everything,” I scoff. “I’m tired of being scared all the time. I’m tired of feeling vulnerable. I’m tired of my associations with men – not all men are bad, I know that. I just don’t know how to change how I feel about them, and I want the sex thing sorted so I’m not freaking out about it. But there are other things too…” I swallow hard surprised by my own candor – Where’s this all come from?

  “Go on,” George prompts.

  I sigh inwardly and continue.“I want to feel feminine; I’m tired and fed up of wearing trousers and jeans all the time. But I don’t want to go through the feelings I get when I put a skirt or dress on, it’s too...I feel too vulnerable and out of control. It’s exhausting feeling like you’re constantly in fight or flight mode. I want the choice, it was taken away from me and I want it back.” I snap.

  George still looks deep in thought.“Well, there is one other option, I hadn’t considered it before, but it may work,” he muses.

  “Whatever it is, I’ll try it.” I say.

  George starts grinning from ear to ear – What is he smiling about?

  “George!” I scold.

  “Sorry, it’s just such a pleasure seeing you so ready to try’ – George sighs – ‘Normally you don’t want to work on anything, you just want consistency. It’s wonderful to see you so enthusiastic to work on your fears rather than hide behind them.” Jeez I just want to wear a dress!

  “So what is it?” I ask with bated breath.

  “Hypnotherapy,” he says.

  I scowl at him.“Seriously?” I squeak.

  “Yes, it’s worked for many of my patients, with excellent results.” I light up inside.

  “So, you’re saying it could what; help me with sex and dresses?” I question.

  “Coral, it’s certainly something we could try, you never know.”

  A big smile starts to spread across my face.“Really?” I squeak – Now I’m excited.

  “Yes,” he chuckles.

  “Let’s go for it.” I push.

  “Alright then, I know a fantastic therapist in this field, she’s expensive though,” George tells me.

  “I’ll dig into my savings,” I say – This is going to work, I have a good feeling about it.

  “Alright then,” George says with satisfaction.

  Then I panic. “Er…George?”

  “Yes.”

  “I don’t like the idea of a stranger having control over what they put in my head, so will you come with me, or have the sessions here?”

  George cocks his head to the side and raises his eyebrows.“I can do that Coral but you know what that sounds like?” he says. I already know the answer.

  “That I’m being a control freak,” I answer gloomily. “But you just told me one step at a time, so once I feel comfortable with the Hypnotherapists, I can go without you.” I say, feeling triumphant in my reply.

  “So I did,” he replies, smiling at me again. Then he picks up my glass and walks out the room. He returns moments later with another brandy for us both.

  “George, I’ll be wobbling home at this rate.” I say.

  “I don’t want you to be alone tonight Coral.” He says sitting next to me.

  I stare back at him in confusion.“Why not?” I chuckle.

  “Because you’ve just re-lived a trauma...for goodness sake Coral! Are you saying you’re happy to be on your own after what you’ve just revealed?” He asks rather astonished.

  I shrug and take a sip of Brandy. “George I’ve been living with this for two years, I’ll be fine,” I clarify.

  “I’ll be fine is your answer to everything,” George says sar
castically.

  “Well I will be,” I squeak taking another sip – Damn this Brandy is nice!

  George shakes his head at me. “Really Coral, in all seriousness I would rather you weren’t alone tonight, it will give me peace of mind.” I frown and take another drink. “What about staying with Rob?” He asks.

  “Can't he’s’ – I stare down at my hands wrapped around my glass – ‘he and Carlos are having some troubles,” I say feeling guilty for sharing their secrets.

  “Oh?” George cocks his head to the side.

  “Rob was acting weird when I saw him on Wednesday, and Carlos won’t answer his mobile.” I growl remembering him pushing me to voice-mail.

  “Gladys?” he asks.

  I snort with laughter. “What, and sit in all night with the love-birds?” I blurt. “No thanks, I’d rather be on my own, besides I’ll only get hounded as to why I’ve been crying.” I add tersely.

  “There is that,” George agrees. “How about staying here for the night?” He says, smiling gently at me.

  “I-I can’t do that,” I stutter in amazement. “You…you’re my therapists?”

  “That I am, and as professional as I should be…well, you feel like family to me. And it’s not as if we haven’t socialised with one another. We do have mutual friends after all.” I nod in agreement, we do, and we have socialised plenty, but wouldn’t it be – well wrong?

  “That’s sweet George, I think of you as family too.” I smile tentatively.

  “Well then, that’s settled. I’ll get the spare room ready for you...Oh! And Phil is making his famous Moules Marinieres spaghetti dish’ – his eyes sparkle and he claps his hands together – ‘and he always makes too much.” I can see he really wants me to stay. “And we have a lovely crisp Frascati to go with it.” He adds cheerfully.

  “But’ – “No buts,” he says holding up his hands. “For us, Friday nights are about great food, great wine, and a good old movie; how about it?”

  “What about Phil? Maybe he wants a romantic night in,” I say, feeling a little embarrassed.

  “We have all the time in the world for romance darling.” George says wistfully.

  “I-I just don’t know…” I say feeling confused. Then I question – Do I really want to be on my own tonight, glugging more Night Nurse to chase away the horror? I’m sure it’s going to come back again.

  “I don’t want to pressure you Coral, I just don’t want you to be on your own.” I think about George’s offer for a moment, the food sounds amazing and I already know how much of a wonderful chef Phil is, but wouldn’t it just feel really awkward staying here?I decide it would, but then I think it would be rude to say no – What to do?

  “Ok, I’ll be honest. I don’t want to stay. I never sleep too well in other people’s beds, but I think most people like the comfort of their own bed.” George nods in agreement. “But I’d love to stay for the meal and a movie if that’s ok, I mean that’s not rude is it George?”

  George starts chuckling at me. “Oh Coral, you are such a sweetie.”

  I frown at him, shake my head in disagreement and sip more brandy.

  “Now, I’m going to inform Phil we will be three for tea, then I’m taking the dogs for an evening walk. Would you like to join me?”

  I nod my head. “Yes please.”

  “Alright, back in a moment.” George says and steps out of his office.

  Whoa!That was a weird session. Ok, I got it out about being raped, but I’m more mind blown about Tristan – Am I in love with him? Do I really want to date – “Coral.” George calls, pulling me from my musing. I drain the last of the brandy, put down the glass and skip out of his office.

  Half an hour later we step back into the house. The walk was quiet refreshing and blew the cobwebs away. George hasn’t asked me anymore about what I told him, which I’m grateful for. In-fact, he and Phil seem to be on fine form, and are determined to make this a fun, relaxed evening…

  I AM FULL TO THE POINT OF BURSTING. I ate far too much Moules Marinieres – George was right, Phil did way too much – and I ate far too much French baguette too, but dipping it in that delicious sauce that Phil made was just too good to resist – A lot like Tristan.

  I haven’t gone too mad with the wine. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of George, and I already have enough brandy swishing around inside me. When I’ve finally helped Phil clean up in the kitchen – after a lot of arguing and debating whether I should – he tops up all our wine glasses and I guiltily follow them into their snug.George turns the ambient lighting down low as Phil switches on the T.V and the DVD player. I instantly feel as though I’m intruding.

  “Um...I think I might’ – “Sit down.” George barks.

  “Honestly woman, you should do as he says,” Phil says winking at me.

  I smile back at him and curl up on the end of the large, plush leather sofa.Phil and George get comfy too, both propping their feet up onto the matching leather footstool. Then the movie starts and I’m instantly surprised. For some reason I was expecting the latest blockbuster, but no, it’s a black and white, something called ‘The Shop Around The Corner’.

  “Heard of it?” Phil asks. I shake my head. “Well you know, You’ve Got Mail?”

  “Tom Hanks,” I nod. “He’s awesome.” I roll my eyes at myself – Of course you think he’s awesome Coral, he’s your favourite actor!

  “Yes,” Phil smiles. “This is the original,” he says then turns back to the face the screen. Well what d’ya know, I did not know there was an original to that film.

  As the movie begins I already know that the main actor is James Stewart, but I’m not sure of the woman and I should, I’ve watched enough black and whites with Gladys in my time.

  “Who’s the actress?” I whisper to Phil.

  “Margaret Sullavan,” he whispers back. “She didn’t make many films, preferred the stage.”

  “Oh!” That explains that then. I relax back into the sofa, slowly sipping my wine and completely lose myself in the movie...

  TWO HOURS LATER THE MOVIE ENDS. I sigh blissfully, stretching my legs as I do.

  “Enjoy that?” Phil asks. I nod vigorously.

  “Yeah, it was really good, you can't beat the oldies.” I chuckle.

  “I quite agree.” Phil turns to George who is softly snoring on the sofa and leans down to wake him.

  “Don’t wake him.” I whisper.

  “Ok, you sure you won’t stay? You’re more than welcome.”

  “No Phil, but thank you. I had a lovely evening, and your cooking was just delicious.” I rub my belly in appreciation.

  He chuckles at me.“I’m glad you liked it.”

  I silently follow him out of the snug. Once we are back in the kitchen, Phil calls me a taxi while I check my mobile for messages – Nothing! Damn it Rob why haven’t you called or text me?

  I try not to get angry at him or think the worst, but we keep in constant contact and I haven’t heard from him for two and a half days now – that just isn’t Rob’s normal behavior! I decide after Lily’s party, I’m going up to their place and knock down the door if I have to – I want some answers, I can't go through this worry if there’s no need.

  As we are stood in the kitchen waiting for the taxi, Phil hands me his cucumber eye gel, which he has been getting me to apply all evening, apparently it takes away puffy eyes.

  “Take it,” he says. “Put a load on before you get into bed, and in the morning when you wake, no-one will know,” he adds.

  “Thanks Phil.” We hear the taxi pull up, Phil opens the door and air kisses both my cheeks again. I get into the taxi and wave happily at him as the car pulls away…

  WHEN I GET BACK TO MY STUDIO I instantly dive towards the air-con and switch it onto full. Today has been swelteringly hot and going straight to George’s from work has allowed the studio to get to melting point.I feel dog tired again and I’m surprised that when I check the time it half past twelve.

  I really
feel like a long hot shower to relax my aching muscles from swimming hard this morning, and I know it will help me feel better, but I also have a nagging feeling that the nightmare might return, and the last thing I want to do is turn up at Lily’s birthday party, looking and feeling like shit.

  So, against my better judgment, I pull out the bottle of Night Nurse and take two large glugs of it knowing full well that by the time I’ve showered, and curled up in bed it will have kicked in, and I’ll be out for the count. I dash upstairs, strip my clothing, pin my hair up and pull on my robe.

  In the shower I take my time, letting the hot water cascade across my tense shoulders, down my back, turning around I let it warm my breasts and my slightly swollen abdomen.

  Tutt, tutt naughty Coral! That’s too much bread and pasta for you!

  I chuckle back at myself – Yeah but it was so worth it!I think I may have to ask Phil to show me how to make that dish, then I think it might be dangerous – I may make it too often and turn into a big fat bloater, I chuckle again and turn off the shower.Just as I open the door and reach for my towel, I feel myself wobble slightly – Uh-oh! Drugs kicking in!

  I carefully step out, dry myself off as quickly as I can, wrap my robe back around myself and head out the bathroom. As I pass the air-con I decide to leave it on low for the night. I’m going to give myself a rare lie-in tomorrow, and I don’t want the heat waking me up.

  I groggily make my way back up the stairs, unpinning my hair as I go, feeling more and more sleepy with each step I take. As I reach my bedroom, I strip my robe off me and collapse onto the bed.

  Curling up, I pull my quilt over me so that it’s covering my torso, leaving my legs free and slip easily into a deep and dreamless sleep...

  I HEAR A STRANGE KNOCKING NOISE. I turn over in my bed trying to make the funny noise go away, but it won’t. I hear it again, the strange tapping noise. I groan and slam my hand over my alarm clock, but that makes no difference either. My eyes flutter open, sunlight is flooding into my bedroom. I’m totally disorientated and I still feel so sleepy.