Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him

by Clair Delaney

  I look across at Tristan, he looks deep in thought.“Sorry, I’m waffling on aren’t I. Ask one question floodgates open, Coral doesn’t shut up,” I titter, trying to make light out of darkness.

  “No, you’re not waffling,” Tristan solemnly answers. “I’m just trying to imagine being in your shoes, and what it would have been like to go through all of that,” he says staring blankly ahead; he looks a million miles away.

  I smile shyly at him, he wraps his arm around my shoulder and squeezes me tight. Then he leans forward, making me think he’s going to kiss me again, which he does, but it’s a sweet, gentle kiss on my temple – I light up inside…

  WE WALK IN COMFORTABLE SILENCE FOR A WHILE. It’s felt really good to let Tristan in, to let him know some of my past. Ironically he’s the one that seems to be more affected by it than I am. I spot the small lemon painted structure not far in front of us, we have reached the café. I hadn’t even noticed how far we had come.

  “Tristan?” I turn to look at him. But he still looks blank, like he’s working out a really hard maths equation. “Hey,” I stop walking and tug on his hand so he has to look at me. “Pull out of it, or I’m not sharing anymore.” I add and bob my tongue out at him.

  He finally smiles back at me. “Anyway, we are here,” I say pointing to the café like an air-hostess again. “Please feed and water me kind sir.” I say with a strong Somerset accent.

  “With pleasure me lady,” he chuckles bowing grandly at me. I love that he just did that, the café is packed with people and he simply didn’t care.

  I hear that little voice in my head telling me I need to be careful, that I’m falling hard for Tristan, but I shake the thought away and place my hand in his outstretched open palm…

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  WE ARE SAT AT A TABLE EATING carrot cake and drinking coffee. Tristan said that he wanted to eat a ‘proper dinner’ when we got back so he didn’t want to spoil his appetite, so I went along with it, knowing that my very strict diet has been thrown out of the window this past week. But I’m rarely naughty, so I stop nagging at myself and enjoy the cake.

  “You want to ask another question don’t you?” I say, licking my lips after taking the last mouthful of cake.

  “Your mother?” He says.

  I stare out to sea and take a deep breath.“Her,” I spit. “She doesn’t deserve the title of mother. A mother is someone who should love you unconditionally. A mother is someone who puts her child’s needs before her own.” I snap, then I lean back in my chair and twiddle with the desert fork.

  “Will you tell me about her?” He asks tentatively.

  I glance at Tristan from the corner of my eye then look back out to sea. Do I really want to talk about her? Is she worth my breath? Deciding I’ll tell him, I close my eyes and begin.

  “She...she’s a drunk, a hopeless, useless drunk. It wasn’t long after Dad left, and Kelly died, that things really went downhill’ – I shiver internally – ‘She stopped going to work, I guess she was on the dole. I’m not really sure. I remember feeding myself, that’s if I could find anything to eat,” I snap and grit my teeth. I still remember how my belly would swell and then the pain would start. I shake my head at the memories and glance at Tristan again, he looks mortified.

  “She tried to kill herself. I called 999, police and ambulance came, and I got took away. I did see her a couple of times after that, but.....” I trail off, I don’t want to say anymore.

  Tristan takes my hand that was playing with the fork, and squeezes it tight. He looks so sorrowful, then he slowly brings my hand to his lips, and kisses the back of it.

  “I’m so sorry Coral...I...I don’t really know what else to say to that.”

  I lean forward and using my free hand I softly stroke his cheek.“You don’t have to say anything Tristan.” I feel the pull between us again, I want to kiss him. It takes me by complete surprise. Just as I’m leaning closer to him, we are rudely interrupted by an elderly woman, who pokes Tristan with her walking stick.

  “You should be ashamed of yourself,” she croaks. She looks incensed, like she wants to attack him.

  “For what?” he asks innocently, staring up at her wild, angry face.

  “That!” She says swinging her stick so it points at my face.

  Tristan and I both smile, which turns out is the worst thing to do.

  “Oh! You think it’s funny young man?” She raises her stick in the air, I think she’s going to hit him with it. Tristan throws out his arm to protect himself, I launch out of my seat and grab her stick, just as she brings it down.

  “Hey lady,” I hiss, glaring at her. “I got this from playing bouncy castle with my niece.” She frowns back at me then narrows her eyes at Tristan, so I continue.“I would never let a man do this to me. That man’ – I point to Tristan – ‘has more respect for women than any other man I’ve ever met. He happens to be the most kind, gentle, loving person I have ever known,” I say feeling the weight of my own words. “So put down your stick and be on your way.” I put my hands on my hips and glare at her.I’m not sure if she believes me, because she narrows her eyes at Tristan for a few seconds then walks away, muttering to herself.

  “Wow,” Tristan chuckles. “My heroine.” We both burst into fits of giggles. I see the lady look back at us shaking her head, but I don’t care if she believed me or not. I was not going to let her attack Tristan for something he hadn’t done.

  “Shall we start walking back?” I say glaring back at the woman’s retreating figure.

  “Yeah…” I don’t think Tristan can quite believe that a little old lady would have the courage to say that, but then I see Gladys doing something exactly like that when she’s old and diddery…

  WE STAND AND START HEADING BACK TOWARDS THE MARINA. Tristan silently reaches for my hand, I place it in his and I immediately feel that same sense of peace that I got from the dream. I feel very relaxed but also tired, the long walk has worn me out, and my head and nose are starting to pound again.

  “Can I ask you something?” I roll my eyes at Tristan, waiting for his question. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but why don’t you have guys lined up Coral? I mean you’re stunning, mesmerizing even, yet you’re not dating? You should be beating them off with a stick.”

  “I’ve told you Tristan, fuck up,” I say pointing to my head. “Look it doesn’t matter how pretty or attractive someone is on the outside. If you feel vile, ugly and repulsed about yourself on the inside, then you’re not really in the right state emotionally or mentally to be getting involved with someone. Are you?”

  His mouth pops open in shock.“I couldn’t say…I don’t know what it is to feel like that. I take it you do?” He adds, swallowing hard.

  “Not so much anymore, George has really helped me develop a healthier internal relationship with myself. I guess he’s worked wonders really. It’s only been since the beginning of this year that I’ve been able to look at myself in the mirror without turning away in disgust....” I stare out at the ocean, I don’t want to see Tristan’s reaction to that.

  “So is that why you were so adamant that we shouldn’t see each other, because you have issues...well...you know…I mean, that came out wrong…” He stops walking and runs both hands through his hair.

  “Tristan, it’s ok you can say that you know. I do have issues. I like to think of myself as a work in progress.” I look up at him, he looks a little flustered, which is fair enough, I think I’d be having the same reaction if the roles were reversed.“I still stand by what I said though, I really don’t know if I’m capable of having a normal, healthy, long term relationship.” I add.

  Tristan gazes back at me.“I think you can,” he whispers, taking a step closer. “You just don’t want to get hurt again.” He leans down and softly kisses my cheek, it takes my breath away.

  The sheer proximity of him is enough to make my heart pound, my head feel woozy…I smile shyly at him.

  “I don’t think it’s such
a good idea to eat out tonight,” I chuckle trying to lighten the mood. “You know, just in-case you get attacked again.” I burst out laughing at my own joke.

  “Oh ha ha!” Tristan wraps his arm around my waist and playfully swings me around. “So what do you want to do?” He asks.

  “Well I’m feeling pretty worn out, so a movie sounds good.” I like the idea of that, curling up on the sofa next to Tristan.

  “Yep, I’m up for that, but what about food. You want to order in?” He asks.

  “No, no take-away, I have eaten far too unhealthily already this week. How about a roast dinner?”

  “Sounds great, but I don’t think you’re really up to cooking Coral, you should be relaxing.”

  I roll my eyes again. “Tristan’ – “I can cook,” he interrupts, shrugging his shoulders.

  “You can?” I say rather astonished.

  “Don’t look so surprised. My Grandmother taught me, I can make a mean roast dinner,” he says smugly.

  “I’m impressed,” I chuckle – secretly thanking the heavens for sending me a man that can cook, and fend for himself.“Well, when Gladys doesn’t do a roast I have to admit I cheat, I buy everything premade, chuck it in the oven, then serve it up for me and Bob.”

  “You and Bob?” he says. I watch Tristan’s face twist with anxiety as he tries to remember.“Yeah Bob…you know…my next door neighbour?”

  His whole body sags with relief.“Oh right, yeah…I remember. Bob.” He says nodding at himself.

  “You thought it was my secret boyfriend.” I chuckle.Tristan shrugs nonchanantly, but I can see that I'm right, I laugh out loud again and continue. “So every Sunday night I make one up for him and take it round. If I’ve been to Gladys’s I bring one back for him, on occasion he comes along.”

  “That’s sweet Coral.” I shake my head wishing I hadn’t, it’s hurting again.

  “I don’t think so. Bob’s all on his own, I like looking after him. I make him fresh meals after work too,” I say. “He eats too much canned food,” I add, which he does. It’s not healthy.

  “Coral.” Tristan stops us walking, and stands opposite me. Slowly his hand reaches up and strokes my cheek. “It is sweet,” he says, his eyebrows knitting together.

  I gaze up at him, my heart starts to hammer against my chest, I really want to kiss him. I want to know what those full lips will taste like, what they will feel like brushing gently against mine.

  I think Tristan’s feeling it too because he leans into me, his lips inches from mine, but just at that moment his mobile starts ringing. Tristan mumbles something under his breath and pulls away from me.“Sorry.” He says looking exasperated.

  “It’s fine.” I breathe, although I’m totally gutted.

  “Tristan Freeman.” He answers politely, though I can see he is agitated, then walks a few feet away from me. I walk over to the seawall to give him a little privacy. Whatever the call is about looks important, his expression is seriously intense, he doesn’t look happy.

  As I lean against the wall and look out at the ocean, my mind starts wondering to Rob and Carlos, and my decision to go see them after Lily’s party. It keeps nagging away in the back of my mind, and I know whatever it is that he’s upset about must be bad – him crying like that, it just wasn’t right. I know I have only known him a couple of years, but I feel like I’ve known him all my life. So I decide to make it my mission after seeing Tristan’s doctor, to go over to their place and find out the truth, beat it out of him if I have to.

  Then I think about Debs and Gladys, and the fact that they kept Malcolm a secret and how hurt I feel because of that. Then I think about what Debs told me – how I’ve seen less and less of everyone – of course she thinks it’s all to do with Justin, but it isn’t at all – Yes, he broke my heart, but that was nothing compared to being raped, forced upon.And she is right, after that happened I alienated myself from the world – not just my family.

  Rob’s the one that really got me out of my studio, and got me socialising again, I couldn’t have done it without him, I know that. Which is why I have to repay the favour, get over there and see him. But I don't know what to do about Gladys not telling me, no matter how distant I’ve been. I still don’t understand why she didn’t just casually say that she’s seeing someone.

  But then I’ve always thought Gladys and Debs are the closest, much more than she and I. But maybe that’s because Gladys had Debs from the very beginning, when she was a baby, they say a deeper bond forms when you have a child from scratch.

  Maybe that’s why I’ve always felt out of the loop? I mean I know Gladys loves me, deeply, but it’s just not the same. I just can't stand lies and secrets. It drives me up the wall and makes me feel insecure, like there’s a bomb about to go off and I’m the last to know about it!

  “Hey.” I feel Tristan’s arms wrap around my waist, his body pressed against the back of mine. I should panic at this kind of embrace it’s never felt safe or comfortable to me. It’s one of the many things Justin used to moan about to me, that I wouldn’t show affection towards him. He called me cold, but then he didn’t know me, not really.

  Tristan knows more about me in the short amount of time I have spent with him than Justin did in the two years we were together. Yet, with Tristan, this feels…normal, right, as it should do – I wonder why that is?

  “Hey yourself,” I say twisting my head round to smile up at him.

  Tristan smiles warmly at me and kisses my cheek, then gazes out to sea. “That was my doctor, you’re in for 8.15am tomorrow,” he tells me.

  “Ok.” I say.

  “Not too early for you?” I silently shake my head, reveling in the feel of his arms around me. And for a long time we just stay there like that, both deep in thought...

  AFTER A VERY FUNNY SHOPPING EXPERIENCE, we make it back to the studio with bags full of food and wine, which Tristan insisted on carrying. I feel totally whacked out again.

  “You look tired.” Tristan guesses.

  “Yeah, my nose is really hurting again.” I answer feeling guilty that all I want to do is sleep for a while.

  “Why don’t you have a cat nap on the sofa, I’ll get dinner in the oven.”

  I smile sleepily at Tristan.“You don’t mind?” I say stifling a yawn.

  Tristan smiles at me. “No not at all. I think I would be feeling the same if my nose was nearly broken,” he responds sweetly, kissing my forehead.

  “I feel guilty leaving it all to you.” I say running my hands through my hair.

  “Don’t.” He demands strictly.

  “Yes sir.” I titter and head over to the sofa.

  Taking a glass of water with me I down a couple of Nurofen with difficulty, trying to get my throat to open is a real pain in the arse sometimes.

  “You have difficulty taking tablets?” Tristan vigilantly assesses. Is there anything he doesn’t notice?

  “Yeah...” I lie down on the sofa, resting my head on the pillow.

  Tristan kneels down in front of me. “Why?” I roll my eyes at him, he smiles back at me and moves my hair, tucking it behind my ear. “Tell me,” he pleads.

  I sigh inwardly and begin rattling it all out at top speed.“I was off school with flu. Gladys went out to get some shopping. I woke up, took the cold and flu tablets she left on my dresser and well, they kind of went down the wrong way. I was scared to death, I couldn’t breathe, I was on my own and...” I feel my throat tightening up on me as I recall it. “I was ok, obviously, in the end.” I chuckle, trying to make it seem more light-hearted.

  “That must have been scary.” He says with dark eyes.

  I reach my hand up to his face and stroke his cheek. “It was at the time, now it’s just really annoying that my throat closes up on me when I need to take a tablet.” I answer yawning again, my eyes feeling heavier and heavier.

  “Sleep Coral,” Tristan says kissing my forehead again.

  And just like that I slip into unconsciousness…

 
; I WAKE UP TO THE SMELL OF ROAST BEEF, roast potatoes and Yorkshire puddings. I smile broadly, keeping my eyes closed I stretch deeply. I feel rested, and my nose is no longer throbbing. When I open my eyes the first thing I see is Tristan sitting on the end of the sofa, my feet are on his lap and he’s gently kneading them – No wonder I slept so well!

  Then I notice he has an e-reader in his hand, he’s evidently enthralled by whatever book he’s reading.

  “Hey.” I say sleepily.

  Tristan puts down his e-reader and leans down towards me.“I’m glad you’re awake.” He whispers. “I was missing you.”

  I lean up on my elbows so that we’re almost nose to nose and smile broadly at him.“I missed you too,” I tell him sweetly, my heart racing against my chest. “I didn’t know you liked reading?” I add.

  Tristan loses his grin.“My grandparents wouldn’t let me watch T.V. Gran used to say it rots your brain, so I was given books, lots and lots of books. She said that reading would help expand my mind and help me to become more creative, I guess it kind of stuck.” I cock my head to the side, he seems pissed off about it. I wonder why that is?

  “I read a lot too.” I say trying to work out his expression.

  “What kind of books do you like?” He asks.

  “Oh, all sorts. I can read anything from Anne of Green Gables, which was my favourite as a kid, to Chris Ryan’s The Kill Zone, you?”

  “I’ve read that’ – “Anne of Green Gables?” I giggle interrupting him.

  “Oh, very funny!” Tristan chuckles. “No, The Kill Zone,” he says poking me playfully.