Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him

by Clair Delaney

  Oh Tristan!– I burst into tears. His beautiful words have made me cry. I put my mobile away, and scuttle off to the ladies so I can clean up my face.

  Coming back to my desk, I actually feel like I'm in physical pain, the dull ache that started when he left has blossomed into a full blown crater, a big empty crater.I feel empty and lost and I hate it, I can't handle it.

  I want him home and in my arms....

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  I BLINK MY EYES OPEN AND LOOK UP AT CINDY. Her short, black bobbed hair is very shiny today, her skin as white as snow, she reminds me of Snow White.

  “How are you feeling?” she asks.

  “Good.” I answer getting up from the sofa, and moving over to the chair.

  “It’s good to hear that you had some positive results from our last session. Hopefully, if we keep it up, we should have you feeling really good in no time at all.” I nod in agreement and smile at George. “Well, I’ll leave you to it.” Cindy picks up her handbag and throws it over her shoulder.

  “Thank you Cindy, I really do appreciate it,” I tell her.

  “You’re very welcome Coral, good luck. See you next week.” I smile tentatively at her.

  “George.” Cindy takes his hand and shakes it.

  “Thank you Cindy, good to see you,” George says.

  “You too.” She smiles at us both, then heads out of his office.

  Sitting in his chair, George turns to me and picks up his pad and pen.“So Coral, where would you like to begin today?”

  “Tristan asked me to marry him,” I blurt without thinking.

  George’s eyebrows rise in surprise.“He did?” he asks, astonished.

  “Yes.” I frown and fidget in the chair.

  “And what did you say?” he asks softly.

  My jaw clenches.“I said yes,” I whimper.Christ! One minute I’m mad , then the next…

  “You did?” He says, looking even more surprised. “Well...well that’s wonderful Coral, congratulations.”

  I shake my head and stare at the floor.

  He instantly stops smiling.“Oh dear,” he says quietly. “Let’s discuss.”

  “George I think...I know I'm not ready. It’s too soon,” I interrupt. “I mean I know I love him, it feels like he’s the one for me, but....” I stare out the window.

  “Go on,” he urges.

  “Right now, I have a bigger issue,” I snap, clenching my jaw.

  “Bigger than marriage?” He asks, his one eyebrow cocking up.

  “Yes.” I tell George all about Susannah, about the strange dream, the advice Joyce gave me; and what Karen told me.

  “It does sound strange,” George confirms.

  “What do I do?” I ask.

  “I would follow Joyce’s advice. If there’s any chance she’s unstable, you need to keep your distance.”

  “But that’s just it George, I'm afraid for Tristan. She’s evidently still in love with him, I just have this horrible feeling she’ll flip when she finds out about us. I don’t care what she says to me, I can look after myself. It’s Tristan I'm worried about, he’s too trusting. What if she hurts him?”

  “Worrying about the future again,” George admonishes.

  I sigh heavily and run my hands through my hair that I took out the bun before seeing Cindy.

  “So what, I say nothing? I don’t warn Tristan?” I bite back.

  “It is a tricky situation to be in with you both working for him, and he has known Susannah a lot longer than you,” he muses.

  “Exactly!” I screech. “This is the whole reason I didn’t want to get involved with him in the first place.” I bellow feeling angry and frustrated. “Maybe I should just quit!” I hiss.

  “And what good will that do?” George questions.

  “I don't know,” I sulk wrapping my arms around myself. George shakes his head at me. “She’s dangerous,” I add, keeping my eyes on the floor.

  “You don’t know that,” George warns.

  “Someone tried to get into my studio while I was there George, nothing like that has ever happened before. Don't you think it’s a bit of a coincidence? She turns up and I have that happen?”

  “What!” he bellows. “Did you call the police?” he asks with wide eyes.

  “Yes.” I hiss in frustration.

  “And what did they say?”

  “Nothing, they didn’t come over. Whoever it was tried the handle and couldn’t get in, so they left.”

  George purses his lips. “So you didn’t see who it was?” he questions.

  “No!” I whine.

  “It could have been anyone,” George admonishes. I huff in my seat. “Let’s get back to Tristan and his proposal. Why did you say yes?” I shrug noncommittally.“Coral, I can't help you if you don’t talk to me,” he peers down at me over his glasses.

  I stare out the window for a moment, trying to think of the right words.

  “Well, at the time the answer was yes. I had no reservations...I don't know, maybe I just got carried away in the moment you know...we made love, he proposed.I felt safe, warm, protected...in love…” I shake my head at myself.Am I evil? – Sometimes I feel like I am, if I turn around and tell Tristan it’s off, he’s going to be crushed. I know he is...why did I say yes?

  “What’s changed your mind?” George asks.

  “It’s too soon, people don't…” I break off – I’m so fucking confused!

  I want to be with Tristan, I know I’m in love with him, but at the same time I don’t, because it scares the fuck out of me!

  “Actually they do,” George says, pulling me from my musing. “I presume you were about to say people don’t fall in love that quickly?” he questions.

  I nod in reply.

  “Coral, there are millions of people across the world that have met and married very quickly, and it has lasted.” Oh, well I didn’t know that!

  “He wants to know...everything,” I shudder. “He doesn’t want anything from the past hanging between us, he wants me to lay it all out for him, but I can’t.” I whimper.

  “Why not?” George asks.

  “He’ll reject me, I know he will,” I retort.

  “No, you’re presuming he will,” George counteracts. “Coral, just because he has asked, and you have said yes, doesn’t mean it has to happen straight away,” George says softly.

  “He wants it to happen soon,” I mumble.

  “Ah, I see,” George shifts in his chair. “What are you most nervous about? Commitment, intimacy, relying on another person besides yourself?” he questions.

  “All of those, but mostly...I guess...I just keep thinking that Tristan deserves better. Someone who can make him really happy,” I answer.

  “You think you are undeserving of him?”

  “Yes.” I reluctantly answer.

  “Well he obviously doesn’t think that,” George replies.“Coral look at me.”

  I look up from staring at the floor.

  “Coral, he has asked you to be his wife. I'm sure he wouldn’t have asked you if he didn’t think you were worthy of him. You must make him very happy, otherwise he wouldn’t have asked, surely?” I think back to what Tristan said earlier ‘I have a beautiful fiancé to come home to, I'm on top of the world’

  “Ok, ok. Maybe I do make him happy, but I don't know if he wants a family though, and you know I can't have kids,” I argue.

  “Coral, why do I get the feeling you’re self-destructing? It’s like you’re doing it without even realising it, like your trying to find all these reasons why you shouldn’t be together?”

  “It’s not that,” I snap. “I just don't...if he wants kids and I can't, what’s the point?”

  “That’s ridiculous there’s always adoption,” George scolds.

  I sigh heavily. Maybe he’s right, maybe I am self-destructing? I dig deep to try and find the reason why, I know I'm scared. Scared of getting hurt, scared that Tristan might leave me, scared of really opening my heart and letting someone
love me, completely, warts and all. Ok, I'm scared, but like George says a life without risk isn’t a life worth living.

  “I'm scared,” I whisper.

  “I'm sure you are it’s a big step Coral, but I have every faith that you’ll see that you are stronger than you think you are, strong enough for the both of you.”

  I close my eyes and swallow hard. “You think so?”

  “Yes I do.” George tells me firmly.

  I look up at George. “I’m scared I’ll let him down, and he’ll hate me for it.”

  George takes off his glasses and leans forward in his chair.

  “Coral, we all make mistakes in relationships, married or not, but that’s where being in love comes in, we love and we forgive, and we move on. The successful couples that I know who are together and are still very happy, live by that motto. Remember no-one is perfect, not you, not Tristan, not anyone. He’s going to make mistakes too you know, you’ll probably be hurt, upset, but you have to ask yourself, would you rather a life with that, as in being love with all it’s ups and downs, or would you prefer a life of solitude?”

  “Love,” I whisper.

  “I thought you would say that,” he says. “You just have to be brave Coral, find the courage and the strength within, and you will see over time, that it all starts to feel very natural, you won’t be worrying about this or that anymore, you’ll just be happy.”George smiles fondly at me. “Remember Coral, you over analyse everything and you worry far too much, try giving yourself a break from it all, a few days off…maybe try just going with the flow?”

  “Ok,” I breathe. “I will, I’ll try.” I add.

  I know he’s right, I do freak out about stuff. I worry andover analyse, but I’ve been like this for so long, I don’t know any other way.

  “Now any other concerns?” George asks.

  I shake my head. I feel all over the place at the moment, and I know the only cure is Tristan, I want him home.

  “Alright then, until Friday?” he asks.

  “Actually George, can I skip this week?” I ask politely.

  “Of course, any particular reason?” he asks.

  I tell George about my date with Tristan and the dress that I’ve got. Hopefully I’ll feel ok to wear it – George wishes me luck, I hug and kiss him and leave his house feeling just as frustrated as I did when I walked in…

  THAT NIGHT AFTER PICKING UP the alarms and fitting them to the front door and the patio, I take the baseball bat upstairs and place it next to my bed. Then I do some Yoga to try and relax myself. I remembered to take my mobile off silent, so I actually got to speak to Tristan for a while, but it felt strained on my part.

  I don't want to tell him someone tried to get in, he’ll worry and drop everything and that doesn’t help, he’d only have to go back again next week. And I can’t tell him about Susannah because I know that Joyce is right, it will come across as though I'm being difficult, and I still didn’t ask him about the member of staff that died. I couldn’t pluck up the courage, for some reason, I get the feeling it won't be something he’ll want to talk about.

  And I'm panicking about hurting him, I know myself, I can feel it creeping up on me, like I’ll just end it because it get’s to be too much. I’ve already done that once, and the last person in the world I want to hurt is Tristan. He means so much to me. I just feel like everything is fucked up at the moment, like it’s all gone wrong since he left.

  With a heavy heart, I reluctantly get ready for bed. Curling up under the duvet, I try to clear my mind of all things, including Tristan…

  I’M DREAMING I’M WALKING DOWN a long corridor with white walls and doors that swing open. The fluorescent lights above me are bright, I think I’ve been here before, I think it’s a hospital.I’m aware that someone is holding my hand.I turn to see who it is and realise I have to look up – I'm a child again.I see it’s a lady in a long white jacket, I don't recognise her face, but she turns and smiles warmly at me.

  “Ok Coral. You’re mommy is just through this door.” She pushes the door open and I walk with her.Mommy is sat at a table in orange pyjamas, she looks poorly.

  “Is mommy sick again?” I ask her. She kneels down and puts her hands on my arms. I wish she wouldn’t do that, I don't like strangers touching me.

  “Yes sweetheart. Mommy isn’t very well. Would you like to say hello?” I shake my head at her.“No?” she questions.

  Mommy looks up and see’s me, her eyes are all red and puffy. She stands up and opens her arms wide.

  “Coral,” she croaks then she starts to cry.

  I look back at the lady.

  “It’s ok, you can say hello.” She tells me.

  I shake my head again.I don't like this place, it smells funny. I don't like the people they look at me funny too. I put my thumb in my mouth and suck, it makes me feel better.

  The lady turns around, so I hide behind her legs andpeek at Mommy. Her face has gone really red and she’s showing her teeth. She is angry, just like before. I hide even more.

  “Annie calm down!” The lady is talking to Mommy, her hands are held out. Mommy is shaking her head and puffing her cheeks in and out, then she sits down in her chair and looks down at the table, rocking back and forth.

  “Come on Coral, come say hello.” The lady takes my hand and goes to walk towards Mommy.

  “No!” I cry out and pull my hand out of hers. I am scared.

  The lady picks me up into her arms.No! Let me go!

  “I won’t let her hurt you,” she says;she doesn’t seem bad, not like Mommy.

  “Ok.” I cling onto her and hide my face on her shoulder.The lady sits down in the chair, I am on her lap – I don’t like it.I peek at Mommy from behind my hand. Mommy is mad, her eyes are black and strange. She pulls her hand back and jumps forward to smack me, just like she used to.

  “You little bitch, it’s all your fault’ – I cover my ears. I don’t want to hear it.

  The lady carries me away. I look over her shoulder, two men are holding Mommy down, she is screaming at them…

  I SCRAMBLE UP FROM MY SLEEPING position feelingtotally disorientated.Fuck! – My heart is hammering, my throat dry, I sound like I’ve been running uphill.Why the hell did I just dream that? - I squeeze my eyes shut trying to blank it out. I still don’t get why I dreamt that, why it’s come back – It’s an old memory, a very old memory.

  I shiver internally. I hated that place, I can still smell the disinfectant, hear the cries of other patients.I shake my head in wonder and question it again – Why did I just dream that memory?

  I lie back down and try to figure out the answer, I wonder for a moment if there’s something wrong with her. Maybe she’s got sick in that Psychiatric Hospital?

  I shake my head at myself – Who cares!

  Turning on my side, I try to go back to sleep but all I can see is a pair of black, hate-filledeyes staring back at me...

  WHEN I WAKE THE FOLLOWING MORNING with a banging headache, I know it’s because I’ve hardly slept. After the dream about my mother, all I kept getting every time I fell back to sleep were more nightmares. Each one becoming more strange and unpredictable, mostly Susannah and my Mother, several times they morphed into the same person, black eyes, lips pulled back, teeth exposed, looking totally deranged and psychotic.

  As I lie in bed trying to understand it all, I decide to ditch my morning swim. I really don't feel too good at all, my stomach twists with anxiety confirming my thinking – Great!

  In fact, I’m starting to feel really freaked out about it all. I still can't work out why that memory of my Mother came back, and I definitely can't get my head around the fact that she kept turning into Susannah, or the other way around – Pulling my quilt off me, I stagger to my robe, wrap it around me and try to forget about last night.As I wonder down the stairs in a zombie like state, I check both doors. All is well.

  Heading to the fridge, I pour myself a veggie juice. As I lean against the kitchen sink, slowly drinking it
down, I have a sudden thought – What if my subconscious is trying to tell me something? Am I getting another premonition?

  I frown deeply, trying to work it out. I think that question through, but nothing comes to the surface. I wonder for a moment if I should go and talk to Gladys, she has always understood my weird psychic ways.

  It used to be stronger when I was in my teens, but rarely happens now. I used to freak Gladys out when I would hear the phone ring, and tell her who it was before she picked it up, and she was most freaked out when she was due to travel with her bowling club.

  I woke up that morning and this voice kept telling me she shouldn’t go. I begged her not to, and she finally agreed. That night, the coach lost control on the ice and crashed. One woman died, several other were injured, and from that moment on Gladys told me she would always listen to me, believe me, if I ever asked her to do something like that again.

  I contemplate going over to see Gladys before work, then I decide that I'm being silly. I'm going to see her tonight anyway. Finishing my drink and washing up my glass, I shuffle into the bathroom, telling myself to forget all about the nightmares and concentrate on today – I think I need a very long shower to help wake me up...

  HEADING INTO WORK, I push through the glass doors, look up and see Joe is at her desk.

  “Hey Joe. You ok?” I ask.

  She smiles warmly at me. “Yeah, I’m good thanks.”

  “Good.” I try to smile back at her.

  “Oh Coral! She’s already in,” she whispers to me.Ugh! Susannah!

  I smile and roll my eyes in annoyance, making Joe giggle and walk up the stairs, but I’m actually feeling really nervous, and I can't work out why. Walking across the hallway towards my desk, I see it’s surrounded by all the other secretaries, and they’re all laughing. I can guess who they are laughing about, and who’s initiating it all.