Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him

by Clair Delaney

  Standing up tall, I take the glass of water from him and glug it all back – Yuck, my stomach feels like it’s full of battery acid.

  “Baby, you didn’t have to tell me if it was going to upset you this much,” Tristan softly says.

  I shake my head, squeeze my eyes shut for a second, and take a deep steadying breath. “Tristan, you can't ever say that to me,” I say hoarsely, my throat feeling burned.

  He frowns back at me in confusion.“Say what?” he asks a little bemused.

  I swallow hard. I can't even bring myself to say it out loud, the memories it brings back are too horrific. I close my eyes, and shake my head in a vain attempt to stop any visions forming in my mind.

  “What you just said when you kissed me,” I whisper, opening my eyes.

  Tristan cocks his head to the side, his face contorted as he tries to figure it out. Then his face falls as the penny drops, he swallows hard.“Why?” he questions, his face going pale.

  “Just...please, I'm begging you don't say it to me again.” I choke, staring up into his wide, worried eyes, mentally pleading with him to drop it.He frowns deeply at me and takes a step back. I can see the frustration, see the anger starting to dwell inside him, he runs his hands through his hair then shakes his head at me.

  “No,” he answers, crossing his arms.

  “What?” I squeak – He has to drop this!

  “I'm not going to just let this lie Coral. Why can't I say that to you?” He asks.

  I clench my teeth in anger. I feel like screaming at him.I can't believe he is questioning me about this, we are stark naked in the kitchen for god’s sake!

  I stomp past him, back into the living room, and grab the throw.Wrapping it around me, I walk back through the kitchen towards the stairs.

  “Where are you going?” he barks as he starts to follow me.

  “Upstairs, I need my Gaviscon out of my bag!” I shout back, my stomach rolling again.

  “Coral!” Tristan shouts, reaching out he grabs me by the arm, instantly stopping me. “Your bags are still in the car.” He states.

  Feeling frustrated, I yank my arm out of his hold and stomp towards the front door.

  Tristan reaches me again, and steps in front of me. “Baby?”

  I instantly freeze.“Please move,” I tremble, feeling nauseous - I really need that Gaviscon!

  Sighing heavily, he reaches out to me, I take a step back from him. I don’t want him to touch me right now. “Please…don’t…don’t touch me,” I croak, keeping my eyes to the floor.

  “Jesus fucking Christ Coral! What happened to you?” he bawls.

  I shake my head and cower away from him.

  “Coral!” he shouts, frustrated.

  “No!” I shout back, and with trembling legs I walk over to the sofa, curl up into a ball, and hide my head under the throw so I don't have to look at him.

  “Fuck!” I hear him hiss.Then I hear the front door opening, a few moments later I feel Tristan take my hand and place something in it, looking down I see the bottle of Gaviscon.

  “Thanks,” I whimper.

  Opening the bottle, I take two swigs of it. It instantly numbs the burning sensation, soothing my esophagus as it makes its way down to my empty burning stomach, then I take another gulp, just to be sure it does the job.

  Tristan sits on the coffee table in front of me, he’s put his boxer shorts on, and he’s leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees. He has his face in his handsand he’s staring down at the floor.“I can’t do this,” he says, his voice trembling slightly. What!

  I stop breathing and stare back at him with wide terrified eyes. I feel my soul crack in two and the newly made stitches in my heartrip open.

  “What?” I whisper, my voice barely audible.No, no, no this isn’t happening!

  He looks up at me, his expression torn, oh fuck!

  “I can’t keep doing this, pretending like it doesn’t matter why you’re the way you are. You have to let me in Coral or’ – “Or what?” I whimper.

  Tristan shakes his head and holds his face in his hands again – Oh fuck…No, Tristan!

  “Tristan,” I whimper. “You said you wouldn’t’ – “I know what I said Coral,” he snaps, exasperated – I feel like I'm spiralling out of control, my hearing has gone, my head feels woozy, and my body suddenly feels numb. Yet, I'm filled with dread, I know what’s coming, what I always knew would come –Eventually!

  Finally meeting my terrified gaze, he stares back at me with wide, dark ominous eyes. “You’re leaving me no choice Coral, I don't want to lose you, and I certainly don't want to end this, but I'm not going to spend the rest of my life walking round on eggshells, constantly worrying if I'm saying or doing the wrong thing. I can't live like that…I thought I could but...” Tristan eyes fill with tears as I stare back at him in horror. I can't believe I'm hearing this!

  “So I'm giving you an ultimatum,” he says swallowing hard.“I love you baby, more than I’ve ever loved anyone else,” he closes his eyes in desperation. “So please, I'm begging you, tell me what happened so we can move forward, otherwise...” He slowly shakes his head.

  “Otherwise?” I squeak.

  “It’s over…I’m done,” he croaks. No!

  I try to swallow, but I have no moisture left in my mouth.Closing my eyes, I try to push the terrifying feeling away – This is not happening, I'm dreaming, I must be!

  I hear movement, opening my eyes I see Tristan slowly stand in front of me.“That’s it then,” he trembles.

  “Tristan,” I whimper. Reaching out, I take hold of his hand and entwine our fingers, but he stops me with his free hand and gently parts our fingertips.

  “I'm sorry Coral…I can't,” he chokes.I don’t understand, how did it get to this?

  My eyes fill with unshed tears. I look up at his tall dark stature staring down at me in complete bewilderment.Coral! You have to tell him!

  “Tristan please...don’t do this,” I whimper.

  He sniffs loudly, takes a deep rasping breath and finally looks down at me.“I'm sorry,” he chokes out. No! – I watch him slowly turn, and stagger away from me.

  I want to die. I’d rather be dead than lose him.I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block out the unbelievable pain that’s lancing through me.The empty hole that was once filled with love for Tristan suddenly fills with emptiness, there’s nothing but a black hole, a deep dark black hole; it fits perfectly with my dark twisted soul.I feel so full of anger and hatred, that I want to scream at the top of my lungs!

  I shake my head in horror. I don't know how it got to this? Tell him! – I know I have no choice now, if I don’t want this to end, I have to tell him, I may lose him anyway, but at least I can say I tried, I have to try!

  “Tristan!” I screech, hoping his retreating figure will stop. His steps falter, then he stops and slowly turns to me, his eyes hooded, his breathing matching mine.Fuck!

  I can't believe I'm about to tell him this. I feel so sick, and my throat feels so dry, I'm not sure I’ll get the words out.

  “Ok,” I croak closing my eyes. “I’ll tell you, but can I please have a glass of water?” I hear Tristan’s footsteps patter across the tiled kitchen floor.

  You can do this! I repeat to myself over, and over again.

  I jump in shock when Tristan takes my hand,I hadn’t heard him reach me.I open my eyes, he places the glass of water in my hand, and sits on the coffee table opposite me.

  I take several gulps. You can do this!

  “I hate you for this,” I mumble and take a deep breath. I know I can’t look at him while I get this out, so I fix my stare blankly ahead and begin.

  “When my Dad left and Kelly died, it was just me and my Mom.” I take a breath and blow it out slowly. I don't want to remember!

  “She…did I tell you she was a nurse?” I ask glancing across at him. Tristan silently nods his head at me then stares at the floor.

  I fix my gaze on the fireplace.“She worked a lot of sh
ifts, so the lady next door would take me,” I say nodding to myself. I feel numb, like I'm not in my own body, like someone else is telling the story, I take another deep breath.“You see, it wasn’t long between my Dad leaving and Mom quitting work, so the babysitting only went on for about six months. I didn’t know that back then my Mom was already dependant on prescription drugs,” I take another drink of water.

  “And I didn’t know that she’d become an alcoholic, I guess that’s why she became so abusive towards me. She would have violent mood swings, her behaviour became more and more erratic, and sometimes I would find her curled up in a ball rocking herself, constantly mumbling’ –“How old were you?” Tristan softly interrupts.

  When I look up at him, we lock eyes for a second. “Five, I guess.”

  Tristan’s jaw clenches. “Go on baby,” he softly encourages.

  I stare back at the fireplace.“So the nice lady next door used to look after me, they had a son that was my age called Martin, and for the short time we were together we became really good friends, and his Mom was great…you know, just one of those women that was a natural at it, born to be a Mom.” I take a drink of water and swallow hard.

  “I think she knew something was wrong, that my Mom wasn’t taking proper care of me. I was always so hungry when she’d come round to pick me up. Then shortly after that, they upped and left, I don't know why, I was too young to know I guess…”

  “So my Mom’s having a good day, or she’s really high, I’m not sure, and it’s Sunday so she’s going to cook. A beef casserole with dumplings, she told me, she knew I loved it, then the lady next door comes round and gives her the news that they are leaving. When she leaves my Mom starts freaking out at me, because she’s got to find another babysitter. So she leaves the house, slamming the door behind her, and I’m left alone. It’s night time, so the house is dark, I’m tired, scared and hungry, and I have no idea if she’s coming back,” I take another drink.

  “I don’t know what time she returned, but I was asleep upstairs. The music starts playing downstairs, and I can hear loads of people, laughing, joking…my Mom comes up the stairs, falling over god knows how many times, and tells me to come downstairs, that she’s found me a new babysitter…”My hands start to shake uncontrollably, the water sloshing about in the glass giving me away.

  Reaching out Tristan gently takes the glass out of my trembling hands.I close my eyes and try to push the images away.I pull my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around myself.

  “So I follow my Mom down the stairs, she staggers into the living room and I follow her in. There are adults everywhere, on the floor, against the wall, on the sofa, I can hear them in the kitchen too, and there naked....there’s naked bodies everywhere. My Mom shouts to some woman who looks up and smiles at me, then my Mom passes out on top of some naked guy.”

  “So the woman comes over to me and tells me she’s my new babysitter, she smelt so bad, of stale booze and cigarettes, and she had really nasty yellow teeth and a deep rasping cough. This went on several times, my Mom would go to work and she would come round with a bunch of her friends, I didn’t know what they were doing, she always sent me to my room, but there was always loud music playing, and I could smell a funny smoke coming up the stairs and they were always noisy, in and out of the kitchen,” I glance across at Tristan.“They were getting pissed, smoking crack and weed, and having orgies.”

  Tristan looks horrified.I stare back at the fireplace and try to control the sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach.“Not ideal for a babysitter right, but what harm were they doing?” I close my eyes again.

  “Anyway, this one night I was woken up by the noise, so I creep downstairs and peep into the living room, I wanted to see if my Mom was home, because whenever she came back from work, she would join in with them, she stopped bothering with me altogether. But I still loved her, she was my Mom, I was a kid...” Itake a moment because I can hear how badly my voice is trembling.

  “That night a man caught me watching, I thought I would be told off and taken back to up to my room, but he just stood there completely naked in the doorway, I hadn’t seen him before. He called back to everyone in the room, some looked up at me others didn’t. He smiled down at me and held his hand out, I didn’t know if I should take it. My Dad had at least taught me not to speak to strangers, but he knelt down and started talking to me, he asked me my name and stroked my hair, he told me I had pretty eyes.

  “My Dad always used to say that to me, so I thought he was ok…. you know. When you’re a kid, you don't know any better....but that was the first night I was sexually abused.”

  I hear Tristan’s sharp intake of breath.I lie down on the sofa and curl up into a ball, wrapping the throw even tighter around me, staring blankly ahead I continue.

  “I don't know how many times it happened in those six months. George said I repressed the memories of it, but I still get flashbacks. I remember his hairy chest, his nasty smell, and how he would always be telling me ‘good girl’ when I did what he asked.

  “At first it was just him, then this other guy started joining in, then the babysitter bought a camera in, and they would film it.George said they were probably a pedophile ring. I remember once they brought a boy over and made me do it with him. He was so scared, but I told him ‘do what they say or they hit you hard’ – In my peripheral vision I see Tristan’s hands ball into fists.

  “They hurt me so badly sometimes that I would bleed and bleed. I knew how to turn the shower on, so I would stay under it until it stopped, I didn’t want to bleed on my bed-sheets. I was so scared that my Mom would find out, and completely lose it with me, because I thought I was the one in the wrong, I thought I must have done something wrong for them to be doing this to me.

  “I used to cry out at first, tell them to stop, but that just made them angry, so I found a way of blocking it all out so whenever they would start on me, I would just go numb as though I wasn’t even there. It all stopped when my Mom was put on psychiatric leave, she was supposed to be seeing a shrink, but she didn’t, she just faded away. Sometimes she would sleep for days on end, no doubt completely comatosed by the drugs she was taking. I was so hungry and scared. I wanted to call my Dad, but I didn’t know his number.

  “Then one day, I woke up feeling really ill, I head a head cold or something. I was sick, I needed my Mom, but she wouldn’t wake up. She’d been like that for a couple of days, so I went downstairs picked up the phone and dialled 999. I remember the lady that answered had a kind voice, she talked to me until the police and the ambulance came. I can remember the policeman trying to pick me up, but I didn’t want them to touch me.”

  I swallow hard, remembering it vividly. “I screamed the place down, but they just grabbed me and we all left the house. They took Mom away, and I was put into foster care,” I say numbly.

  Iclose my eyes, feeling completely drained, mentally, physically, emotionally, metaphysically; just like I did when I told George.“Tristan,” I mumble sleepily. “Are you going to leave me now?”

  I feel him take my hand in his and squeeze tightly.“No,” he trembles. I feel him kiss my temple. “Never,” he adds – I exhale in relief, like I’ve been holding my breath the whole time.

  “Ok.” I mumble.He tightens his grip, almost to the point of pain. “If you want to talk to George, his number’s in my mobile. The lock code is 1987, it’s the year I moved in with Gladys.”

  Tristan doesn’t say anything, but I hear him sniff.

  “I need to sleep now Tristan,” I tell him keeping my eyes closed. I hear him move, I feel his breathe on my face as he gently kisses my temple again.

  “Ok baby,” he whispers. “Sleep as long as you want, I’ll be here when you wake up.” I feel my heart stutter madly against my chest – He’s staying, thank-god he’s staying!

  Sighing heavily, I let the darkness take over and drift away into unconsciousness...

  WHEN I WAKE I SEE IT’S GONE dark outside and the only li
ght is from the glow of the fire, the rest of the house is in darkness. I sit up slowly, feeling dazed and confused, looking down I see I have a quilt draped across me. Tristan!

  My eyes search the living room and the kitchen, but he’s nowhere to be seen.“Tristan?” I call out, but I get no answer. I need to find him.

  Standing up quickly, I wobble slightly, so I take a second to let my blood pressure adjust. My stomach growls loudly at me, but I ignore it.

  I see my knickers on the floor, reaching down I pull them on, then I spy Tristan’s work shirt.I pick it up and inhale his scent, it’s still as potent. Slipping it on and doing up the buttons, I pad quietly into the kitchen.Looking around, I see my handbag on the kitchen table, with my mobile sitting next to it. I wonder if Tristan has spoken to George? –I have to find him. I need to know we are still ok!

  Walking through the kitchen to the hallway, I call up the stairs for him, but I get no reply, with all the lights off, the house suddenly seems dark and eerie. As I go to turn around, I suddenly realise the real reason why I didn’t want to be here without Tristan – I don’t like being in big houses on my own, there are too many rooms, it reminds me of my childhood, of being in that house alone – A shiver runs down my spine, I actually feel a little scared – I need Tristan and I need him now!

  Running back through the kitchen and into the living room, I pull the throw off the sofa and wrap it around me, I decide to check his office first.Flinging the door open, I see the lights are all off, not in here.Dashing down the stairs to the basement, my steps falter as I hear some kind of music playing, it’s haunting and makes me slow my pace down.

  Padding along the hallway, I follow the sound of the music and come to a stop at the cinema room.The door is cracked open, and peeking through I see such a sad vision before me.Tristan is sat on the sofa, soft lighting illuminating the room, the woman, whoever she is, is singing a haunting melody around him; it sounds like opera.He has a large glass of amber liquid in his hand, and I can see he’s been training, his t-shirt is soaked with sweat, and he still has a towel wrapped around his neck.