I watch him take a drink then wipe the sweat from his brow, but it’s his haunted look that worries me, his expression is so sad…so forlorn.He looks so lonely as he sits there sipping his drink…Oh Tristan!
CHAPTER TWENTY
HESITANTLY STEPPING FORWARD, I push the door open, and as I do, I see he’s on his mobile. I didn’t realise, so I go to turn around, leave him to it, but his head snaps up and our eyes meet, they look dark and broody.As I look closer, I see the rims of his eyes look a little red, like he’s been crying –Oh no! Tristan!
As he gazes up at me, his eyes take on a warm, melting, lighter shade of brown. He puts down his drink, and holds out his hand to me as he continues to listen.“Yes...I understand…,” he says.
I tentatively walk towards him, then reach out and place my hand in his. Tristan tugs me forward and pulls me onto his lap, then he wraps his free arm around my waist, and squeezes me tightly against his body. I cradle my head under his jaw and inhale his scent – Even his sweat smells good.I sigh inwardly and close my eyes – He hasn’t gone!
“Can we continue this later?” He asks, then he listens for a moment. “Yes, she’s woken up.”My eyes dart open. “Thank you George.” Tristan hangs up and puts his mobile down on the table.“Hey,” he croaks, wrapping his other arm around me, squeezing me tight.
I close my eyes again and surrender to the safety of his arms.“Who’s this?” I ask.
“What?” he asks, bemused.
“Singing?” I whisper.
“Oh…it’s called Lovers, by Kathleen Battle,” he tells me.
“It’s beautiful…and kind of sad,” I say.
“I thought you’d be out all night,” he says, kissing my hair. “I’m sorry I wasn’t next to you when you woke, like I said I would be, but I wanted to speak to George and I was afraid I’d wake you.”
For some reason I feel shy again, like I did when we first met. I don't know what to say to him.I wrap my arms around his body and squeeze him tight. I don't want to move, I don’t want to let go.
“Baby?” He prompts.
“Hmmm?” I answer, snuggling even more into his body.
“You don't want to talk?” he guesses. I shake my head.“Ok. Hungry, thirsty? What do you need baby?” he asks.
I open my eyes and tilt my head back.“You,” I whisper. “Are the most wonderful man I have ever met,” I tremble, softly touching his cheek with my fingertips.
“You’re cold,” Tristan says. Grasping my fingertips between his warm hand, he gently blows on them to warm them up…oh he is so sweet…
I shake my head. “I don’t feel cold,” I dither. Ok, maybe I am, I probably need food.
Tristan leans down and gently kisses my lips.
“You’ve been working out?” I question.
“Yes.” I see his pupils dilate.
“You were angry,” I guess.
“Yes.” Tristan blinks a couple of times at me.
“And sad,” I say tracing my forefinger under his eye.
“Yes,” he croaks.
“Don’t be sad for me baby,” I whisper.
Tristan turns his face away from me, clenches his jaw and shakes his head in frustration.“Kind of hard not being sad, now I know what...what happened to you,” he answers looking back at me.I take a deep breath and exhale. What do I say to that? If this had happened to Tristan, I would cry for him, I know I would.
“I know we have a lot to talk about,” I tell him staring at his broad chest. “And I'm sure you have a lot of questions, but just for tonight, can we pretend like it didn’t happen?” I ask.
Tristan smiles at me, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.“Baby, we can do whatever you want,” he tells me, leaning down and kissing my forehead.
“I did warn you,” I tell him, remembering how I pleaded with him to stop pursuing the subject, and me.
“That you did.” He answers.
“I guess we’re not eating out tonight,” I chuckle.
“Seriously! You’re laughing?” He chokes.
I frown back at him.“Um...yeah,” I mumble. Then it hits me – Tristan needs time, time to process what I’ve told him.
“Sorry,” I mumble apologetically.“I guess it’s all just so fresh to you, I’ve had it forever....” I stare back at him. He’s broody again, which I guess is understandable.“I did something very brave,” I tell him proudly, trying to pull him out of it.
“You did?” He questions, his brows knitted together.
“Yes, I bought a dress!” I say smiling broadly. Tristan’s face falls, his eyes darkening.“George told you,” I guess.
“Yes,” he whispers, his voice breaking slightly.
“So now you know why I wouldn’t wear dresses?” I whisper back.
“Yes.” He swallows hard.
“And why I'm having Hypnotherapy to fix it?” I add.
“Yes, and for what it’s worth, I think you’re the bravest person I have ever met. But you don't need to do that for me baby’ I place my fingers across his lips. “I'm not, well I am, it’s complicated,” I croak.
“I'm all ears baby, if you want to say,” he softly says.
I gaze back at him, debating. Oh well, it’s not like I need to hold back anymore. The worst is over, yet here I am, wrapped up in his arms.I nod and start speed talking.“When I met you, it wasn’t something I would have even considered Tristan, but you brought me out of my shell, out of the safe little bubble I’d placed myself in. George has been trying for ages to get me to work on it with him, but I kept telling him I was fine, happy with the way things were. Of course, I was in denial,” I laugh, Tristan frowns again.
“I wanted to look nice and sexy for you, but I started to realise that I’d been holding myself back, blocking it out instead of taking a risk, and taking the steps I needed to get better. I realised I didn’t just want it for you, I wanted it for me too. I want to feel feminine and sexy, but most of all, I wanted the freedom to wear whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to, without freaking out about it. Does that make sense?” I breathe.
Tristan pulls me into him and kisses my cheek.“You’re so sweet baby,” he kisses me again. “And yes, it makes sense,” he adds.
Feeling thirsty I lean forward, pick up Tristan’s glass and take a sip, instantly wishing that I hadn’t, the Brandy burns like crazy!
Pulling a face, he takes it off me and puts it on the table. “Not going down well?” he surmises.
“No,” I wince. Then I remember my initial fear about telling Tristan. That once he knows, he won’t want me the same way, won’t look at me like he used to.
I stare down at the floor – I wonder if he still feels the same about me?
“What is it?” he asks, lifting my chin with his fingers.
I gaze back at him trying to read his reaction to me.“I...I had my reasons for not telling you about my past,” I whisper.
“I know baby, you told me. You were afraid to lose me,” he answers.
I shake my head. “No, I was afraid you wouldn’t want me anymore...I mean sexually...I was afraid I’d never see you look at me again with the same intense, passionate, burning look in your eyes. It would kill me if that was gone,” I mumble.
“Well it’s not gone,” he tells me firmly, and I can see a flicker of it burning behind the sadness in his eyes. “I’ll always want you like that Coral, we just need to sit down and talk about the dos and don'ts so I don't fuck up, in or out of the bedroom.”
I take his gorgeous face in my hands and kiss his full, warm lips, trying to reassure him.
“You won't, I know you won't. Besides you already know them, don’t say good girl, no tickling, no cameras in the bedroom, and well…you don’t have a hairy chest so…” I close my eyes for a moment, trying not to remember.
Tristan nods, then drifts off again.
“I don’t like people touching me that I don’t know,” I whisper.
Tristan’s body stiffens, so I stop talking. Do I really want him to know the dep
ravity of it all?
“Can I ask you something?” He asks wearily.I nod in reply. “George said…the first time you were abused, you were in a dress?” he says with difficulty.
“Yes,” I whisper. “My favourite dress,” I add.
“What happens when you put one on?” He questions. I squeeze my eyes shut.“Shit, Coral I’m sorry you don’t have to…” He stops and sighs heavily.
I open my eyes, take a deep breath and blurt it out.
“I feel…well I kind of…it starts with trembling, like my body is going into freefall. I feel faint and nauseous, but the worse part about it is the vulnerability. Like…I just feel exposed, like…like any man could slip his hand under my dress and…” I break off and look up at Tristan; he looks like he’s going to throw up.“Tristan, I’m so glad you know, at least you can share it with me as I try to get better, hold my hand through it.”
Tristan takes my hand in his and tenderly kisses the back of it.“Always,” he softly whispers.
My heart melts, I think about making a move, then I remember we can't as there’s no condoms, my heart sinks just thinking about it, that’s something else I need to tell him.
Sighing heavily, I gaze back at Tristan, debating again.
“I was thinking,” I tell him nervously.
“That’s dangerous!” He softly teases, smiling boyishly at me.
“Tristan!” I scold, playfully slapping his shoulder, but I'm glad he’s got his sense of humour back, it would kill me if he was all moody and depressed about what he now knows.
“I'm sorry. Please continue,” he says, tucking my hair that’s fallen against my cheek behind my ear. It’s such a sweet gesture. “I’m sorry,” he says. “Now is not the time for laughter,” he adds, his hand gently rubbing up and down my back – It’s so soothing.
I swallow hard and look up at him – Come on Coral!
“Well I was thinking I should tell you that I don't like condoms,” I whisper. Which I don't, can't stand the things, but I'm dodging the issue here, I know I am.
Tristan frowns down at me, his hand stilling on my back.“Ok,” he says warily.
I look away from his eyes and stare at his chest. Come on Coral be brave!
“We don’t have to use them,” I whisper nervously, keeping my eyes fixed ahead.
“No?” He questions. “You...you want to try for a kid?” he asks a little hesitantly.
“No.” I laugh nervously, glancing up at him then fixing my eyes at his chest again.
“You want to use another form of protection?” he questions quizzically.
“I can't conceive,” I croak, swallowing hard against the lump that’s formed.
Tristan’s frame goes rigid. He takes my face in his hands and brushes my cheeks with his thumbs.“How do you know that?” he asks softly, his eyes searching mine.
I chicken out again, and close my eyes, I’m not sure if either of us can take much more.
“Coral, look at me baby,” his calm voice commands.I open my eyes and look up into his warm, soulful eyes.“How do you know?” he asks again.
“How do you think?” I tremble.
Tristan’s eyes widen with horror as he adds it all up.
“I'm sorry,” I sniff, trying not to cry.“I should have told you when we talked about it, but I chickened out. I was so afraid you’d say you wanted children and because I can't, I thought I’d lose you.”
Tristan sighs heavily, closes his eyes and rests his forehead against mine.“You’re not going to lose me,” he tells me firmly, opening his eyes as he does. “Baby, I told you before, and I’ll tell you again. You have me darling, and I want you to be my wife, kids or no kids. I want to marry you, and I want you to feel proud to call me your husband.” Oh Tristan!
“Are you sure though, have you had any tests done?” he softly adds.
I nod my head at him. “Two years ago, after...” I stop andwe both look away from one another, then I take another deep breath and continue.
“I went to the clinic, used a false name, I had to make sure I was ok, that I hadn’t caught anything from him. The gynecologist that examined me was concerned, said I showed massive internal scaring, he…he questioned me about it, of course,you know me,I wouldn’t give anything up, but I was concerned, you know. So I made an appointment with the nurse, told her very briefly that I was abused as a child and asked if it would affect me having children. She said in most cases it’s psychological problems that actually prevent the woman from conceiving, but you know me, I stamped my feet and demanded an internal scan.” I squint as I remember the internal examination.
“They examined me, scanned me and took x-rays.” I stare down at my twisted fingers. “The doctor told me that he’s never seen internal scarring like it.” I feel the tears start bubbling up to the surface, my vision becoming more blurry.
“He said my chances were one in a million of conceiving, and that if I wanted children, I should look into adoption.” I sniff loudly, and swipe at the silent tears, feeling angry that I'm crying again.
“It’s not so much I can't have them, because I actually think that everyone should adopt or at least foster one child. Especially when you hear about how many couples are desperate for kids and spend thousands on fertility treatment when there are millions of kids out there that are desperate for a good home, for loving parents. It’s more the fact that they took that option away from me you know, that’s the part that hurts the most,” I manage to croak out.
The tears start rolling down my cheeks, thick and heavy, one after the other, dropping like rainfall.I try to fight it, to get angry about it instead of tearful, but it’s too late. I let out a strangled sob.
“Baby, oh baby…” Tristan crushes me into him, wrapping his arms tightly around me.
I’ve never allowed myself to really let it in before, what it meant to have that honour taken away from me, and for the first time in my life, I cry like I’ve never cried before about it.
Tristan rocks me gently, keeping his arms securely wrapped around me.“I'm so sorry baby,” he whispers over and over again, which makes me cry even harder, long cathartic sobs.
I finally let it all out; everything – I cry for what my parents did, my sister, my abusers;the guy who raped me, I cry so hard I don't think I'm going to be able to stop, it feels like it’s a lifetime of unshed tears coming out in one go.
I don't know how long we sit there for, but Tristan doesn’t move an inch, he just cradles me in his arms, and I fall deeper in love with him than I ever have before.
And I know in that moment of complete vulnerability, that he’s the one, my soul-mate; and that I'm going to marry him, sooner rather than later...
WHEN I WAKE UP IN OUR BED, the first thing I see isTristan gazing down at me. He’s sitting cross legged next to me, andhe’s in his sweats and a t-shirt, looking fresh and clean. He’s evidently showered ashis hair is still wet, he smells divine.
Reaching down to me, he softly strokes my cheek.
“Hey beautiful,” he softly says.
“Hi,” I croak and close my eyes to the feeling of his hand touching me. I feel so lucky to be with such a sweet and attentive man, then I realise something.My eyes dart open. “Were you watching me sleep?” I whisper.
“Yes.” He answers firmly.
“Why?” I choke incredulously.
Tristan’s eyes darken, he leans down to me, his face inches from mine.“Because I wanted to,” he tells me firmly. “Did you sleep ok?” He adds his voice a worried whisper.
I narrow my eyes at him. “Why would you ask that?”
Tristan’s brows pull together. “You know why,” he whispers – I need to change the subject!
I stretch out,sit up, then wrap my arms around him. “What time is it?” I whisper, staring out at the night sky.
“Half past nine,” he says.
“How did I get up here?” I question, looking up at him.
“I carried you of course,” he chuckles sarcastically.
I chuckle back. “What?” I say, seeing the look on his face.
“Well it was either that, or I used magic, or I have a teleporter device secretly hidden somewhere,” he answers dryly.
“Oh ha, ha,” I banter back. Tristan reaches out, and tenderly touches my cheek. “Thank you,” I softly add.
“For what?” he asks, his eyebrows knitting together.
“Everything…” I breathe.
“Everything?” He questions, his head cocked to the side.
I nod solemnly at him.
He smiles his sweet boyish smile at me.“Want me to run you a bath?” he asks sweetly.
“Yes please, that would be nice,” I say, gazing up at him.
“I’ll go get it started,” he says, leaning down he pecks me on the lips, then walks across the bedroom to the bathroom.I hear the bath start to fill, and a gorgeous, sweet scent starts to fill the room, I get up off the bed andpad into the bathroom to find out what it is.
Tristan is leaning over the bath, pouring something into it. He suddenly turns and sees me watching him, feeling awkward and geeky in his work shirt, I smile shyly at him.
“Hey,” I whisper.He smiles sweetly at me, then stands and walks over to me.
“I got this for you,” he says passing me a large, heavy, red bottlewith Champneys written across the front. “I was going to give it to you earlier…” His lips set into a hard line and he turns away from me.
“Tristan,” I pull on his hand, he turns and looks down at me with big, wide eyes.“Are you ok?” I ask.
He stares down at me for the longest time.“Getting there,” he finally says.
I nod and stare down at the floor. A part of me wishes he didn’t know, but the other part is glad it’s over, that it’s out there. I can only wait and see what he does with it.
“Thank you,” I gush. “For being so patient, so kind and loving with me,” I whisper.
He closes his eyes for a moment, I think in annoyance, when he opens them they are blazing brightly for me.“I love you Coral, that’s what you do when you love someone,” he slowly tells me, as though he’s speaking to a child.
Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him Page 74