“Oh!”
“So can you answer my next question honestly?”
“I’ll try,” I whisper.
“When you saw Justin, did you feel attracted to him, like you were before?”
It takes a long time for me to pluck up the courage to answer, because deep down inside, I don't want to admit it to myself.
I sigh heavily, it’s no good. “Yes.”
“Coral, that is perfectly natural and nothing to feel ashamed about, or guilty.” George softly placates.
“I bet Tristan didn’t dream of kissing Olivia last night.” I shout.
“But Tristan isn’t you Coral. Justin was the first person you allowed yourself to be close to, well as close as you could be. As I’ve explained before, the relationships we have with our partners are very different emotionally, to the ones we have with our parents, siblings, family members.”
“I know,” I whisper, still feeling guilty.
“Would you like a cup of tea?” My stomach can't take it – No way!
“No, I'm ok thanks. But help yourself George, I don't mind.” I wait while George makes his drink and takes a sip.“The dream didn’t end there George,” I whisper, feeling terrified. I wrap my arms around myself, I’m still so cold.
“It didn’t?” George says. I shake my head and finally look up at him.“Welcome back,” he smiles.I shake my head and stare down at the floor, silent tears start flowing down my cheeks – Pissing me right of!
“Here darling,” George says passing me the tissues. I take them off him and swipe angrily at my cheeks. “When you’re ready,” George prompts.
“Did Tristan tell you about my speaking to my Dad?”
“Yes,” he says. “He buried your mother’s ashes I believe?”
“Yes. So after Justin, I was at a cemetery trying to find my Mom, my Dad turned up, he wanted to take me away, he wouldn’t let go of me, but then I escaped and I ran, but I was scared because he was running after me, catching up to me.”
“Tristan told me he wants to communicate with you?”
“Yes.”
“And you don't want to?”
“No.”
“Well, again Coral, dreams are our way of processing these things. The fact that he was holding onto you, signifies that he wants the connection. The fact that you ran away,signifies you don't want the connection.” Ok, feeling a little better about that part!
I take a deep breath. “You remember the dream I told you about, the one on the boat with Tristan?”
“Yes.”
“Well after running from my Dad, I was on the boat again and I couldn’t find Tristan. I was so scared, and I didn’t understand why? I screamed for him, ran all over the boat, only to realise, in the end – that I was alone....and then...” I stop and squeeze my eyes shut.
“Take your time Coral.” George gently prompts.
I take another deep breath. “I ran up on deck to see if he was up there, but he wasn’t. And we weren’t in the cove like before. I was out at sea and...” I swallow hard, I don't want to remember.
“What happened Coral?” George whispers.
“A storm; a dark black storm came over. This huge wave capsized the boat, we both went down...I was so cold, so scared...it was so dark, so black. I couldn’t even see my hands in front of my face, and I knew I was drowning, that I was going to die alone in those icy depths.”
“And that’s where the dream ended?”I shake my head.“When you’re ready,” George softly says. I close my eyes, this is the part I'm most scared of, the part I'm frightened off.
“I...I was on the beach here, in Brighton. I was soaking wet and freezing cold. My mother appeared to me again, she pointed up at a building and said ‘see’ so I looked and it was the hotel I was raped in.” Breathe Coral, Breathe....I take another lung full of air.
“Then it changed again, and I was somewhere I haven’t been before, it was like a posh party or something? There were so many people all dressed up, there was music playing and people were dancing. I looked down at myself and I was dressed up too, and I had champagne in my hand. Then my mother whispered to me again, she pointed across the room and said ‘see’ I looked up and Tristan was walking towards me. Then she pointed again...” I clench my hands into fists.
“Take your time Coral, there’s no rush darling.”
I take another deep cleansing breath. “When she said ‘see’ again, I recognised who she was pointing at, it wasn’t Tristan she wanted me to see it was...him.”
“Who is he Coral?”
“The man who raped me,” I gasp, trying to choke back the tears.
“He was at the party?” George asks, as he frantically scribbles more notes.
I nod. “He was walking across the dance floor all dressed up, then she...she whispered, ‘he knows you’ and he stopped and looked right at me, raising his glass to me and smiling at me and...Oh George! What if she’s right? What if he did know me, or does know me...?” I suddenly start to feel really woozy – Oh ok, I think I'm going to faint...
“Coral?” George reaches across to me. “Are you feeling unwell?”
“I feel faint,” I whisper.
“Come on sweetheart let’s get you some fresh air.” Taking my hand and putting his arm around my waist, he leads me out of the room. “Which way Coral?”
“Right,” I whisper, and we head down the hallway, through the bi-folding doors and out into the bright sunny day.
“Better?” George asks as I try my best to fill my lungs with lots of clean, fresh air.
“I think so?” I whisper.
We take a seat, side by side on the outdoor lounger; although it’s more like a big comfy sofa. George keeps hold of my hand, squeezing every now and then.“Feeling better?”
“Yes,” I whisper, staring at the grass. The world is no longer spinning.
“Good, now; I’d like to go through each part of the dream. Is that ok?”
I nod despondently. “Ok. Olivia’ – “George, she is so pretty.” I interrupt.
“Completely irrelevant,” George snaps in exasperation. I look up at him and frown. “Coral, don't you realise? It doesn’t matter how pretty a woman is, or how good looking a man is, we are all looking for connection above anything else; a very deep,loving connection. So you see, your fear of Olivia is just that; a silly fear, a misguided belief. You need to break that belief down. Tristan is with you because he feels that level of connection with you and wants to make it permanent by committing to you, by marrying you.”
I nod, understanding what he means.“It’s my own insecurities?” I whisper.
“Yes.”
“Ok.”
“Good, now the baby. How do you really feel about it Coral? You were led to believe you couldn’t conceive and now you know you can.”
“I'm scared. I’ve told Tristan we will have a family one day, but not yet. I want him to myself for a while, but I think the real reason for holding it off is that I don't think I’ll be a very good mother. I mean, what child is going to want someone with issues like I have? How am I supposed to make a child feel secure when I struggle with that myself?” I stop and shake my head.
“Well, from what I’ve learned over the years, motherhood changes that. A protective instinct kicks in, to provide, to love, to cherish. Again Coral, these are just your fears talking, I think you’ll make an exceptional mother.”
“You do?” I squeak.
“Yes.”I frown and hug myself – Hmm, me a good mother...George continues. “Justin, well we discussed him, so please try to put it out of your mind.”
“Ok,” I whisper.
“Your father, well I think you were very brave to speak to him Coral, that can’t have been easy?”
I shake my head. “I wasn’t very nice to him.”
“Well, he doesn’t exactly deserve your love, patience and respect, he needs to earn it.”
“You think I should let him back into my life?” I squeak in horror.
“Tha
t is completely up to you. And as far as you mother goes, I think the sooner you lay her to rest, physically, emotionally and mentally, the better. You need to get it done, say your goodbyes and move on.”
“I know,” I whisper. “I’ve been thinking the same thing.”
“Good. Now, the storm at sea has a water aspect to it. Many believe large waves, storms and tsunamis often represent unresolved emotions. The fact that you were alone on the boat and the wave hit you is not saying that you are alone Coral, it’s saying that you didn’t deal with whatever issues that came up at the time, so subconsciously you were feeling alone. You repressed them instead of talking them through. For instance, did you speak to Tristan about how you really felt when Justin turned up, were you truthful with him?”
“No.”
“And what about when you spoke to your father?”
I shake my head.
“And Olivia?”
“I don't want Tristan to know I'm worried about her, like I was with Susannah. He already knows I'm insecure’ – “Coral, stop hiding and be honest with him, tell him your fears, your real fears. I guarantee you if you do, these dreams will stop, your subconscious won't need to do the work because you’ve dealt with it at the time. Do you understand?”
“Yes George, I do. I know what you’re saying, stop bottling it all up. But what about what my Mom showed me at the end?”
“Irrelevant.”
My mouth pops open. “How can you say that?”
“It was just a dream Coral.”
“So what...I should just forget it?” I squeak, my throat tightening up on me.
“Fear, that’s what this is. Do you really think Tristan would let anything happen to you?”
“I don't think it’s fear George,” I say, shaking my head.
“You don't?” He cocks his head to the side.
“No, I think it’s a missing piece of the puzzle.”
“What puzzle?”
I shrug. “I don't know...” I say, feeling panicky again. I wish I could just hide away somewhere, from everyone, everything – well apart from Tristan.
I let go of George’s hand, bring my legs up, wrap my arms around them, then bury my head so I can't see anymore.
“Would you like a glass of water?” George softly asks.
“Please,” I squeak, starting to rock myself. I feel George stand – He’s going to go!
“Don't leave me!” I gasp, grabbing his arm.
In that very moment I feel like I'm coming out of my shell, my hiding place, and all I want is Tristan.“Tristan,” I whisper. “George, I want Tristan.”
“Ok,” he softly says, takes his mobile out of his pocket and makes a call. “Hello Tristan, we are outside, could you bring Coral a glass of water?...Thank you.” George hangs up. “He’ll be here in a moment darling, deep breaths.”I do as he says and breathe deeply, in and out.
A couple of minutes later, Tristan appears. Oh...what have I done, he looks frantic...
He quickly reaches us, bends down in front of me and hands me the water, it take a tiny sip, give George the glass and launch myself into Tristan’s open arms, gripping my arms so tightly around his neck he has to tell me.
“Coral, you’re choking me.” He gently pulls on my arms so I'm not hurting him.
“Oh Tristan, I'm sorry...so sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.” I say, squeezing him tight.
“I know baby,” he says wrapping his arms around me. Then he lifts me up into his arms, and sits next to George, with me sat on his lap, safely cocooned in his arms. I grip onto him never wanting to let go.
“Hey, it’s ok baby. I’m here, I'm not going anywhere,” he soothes.
“Would you like me to give you both a moment?” George says.
I shake my head. “George, do you think it’s true? That I do know him?”
“I couldn’t say Coral,” he says, looking mystified.
“But she showed me the baby, and that came true?” I feel Tristan stiffen beneath me.
“She did, yes,” George says frowning deeply, then he looks up at me. “Coral, I can't really give you any answers with regards to the last part of the dream; but as far as the rest is concerned, it’s just your mind trying to assimilate everything’s that’s happened into something tangible, something you can make sense of, so that you can deal with it. But now you know what you need to do?” he says, looking sternly at me.
“Yes,” I whisper. “Talk it through.”George smiles and pats my hand.“George, I'm so sorry. I didn’t...I didn’t want to drag you over here like this, you are not at my beck and call. I apologise, profusely.” Tristan squeezes me around my waist and gently kisses my temple.
“Nonsense,” George says, smiling warmly at me. “I was due here anyway. Anytime you need me, you just call. If I'm around I will come to you.”
“Well let’s go for this not happening again!” I snort.
“You look drained,” he quickly assesses. “And as Tristan has pointed out, you are still recovering. Would you like me to stay and we can continue, or would you like me to come over tomorrow, or another day this week?”
“Can I call you?” I say, feeling guilty.
“Don't look so guilty Coral, and yes you can.” George stands, I go to stand too but George stops me. “Don't get up, I’ll see myself out. Stay out here for a while, get some fresh air - and talk to Tristan.” He adds, scolding me again.
“I will,” I whisper.
“Alright then.” George leans down and takes my hand, we both squeeze at the same time, then smile at one another.
“George...really, thank you,” I gush.
George rolls his eyes at Tristan, who chuckles in return – Great I'm funny now?
“Say hi to Phil for me?” I add.
“I will.” George shakes Tristan’s hand, then gently places his hand on the top of my head for a moment. “No more worrying.”
“Ok,” I squeak and watch him walk away.
“Baby,” Tristan says. I turn to look at him. “I’ve called Rob and cancelled today.” I nod. I think that’s a good idea. “I said I’d get you to call him to re-arrange,” he adds.
“Ok, I will,” I whisper.
“And Coral,” he breathes.
“Yeah?” I gaze at his wide eyes.
“Don't ever do that to me again,” he says, his tone clipped.
I bite my lip, feeling utterly guilty and nod solemnly at him.
Tristan pulls me closer to him and we just sit there silently, wrapped in each other’s arms. Letting the morning sun warm us, listening to the birds twitter and the bees buzz by us. I don't know how long we actually sit there for, but I start to feel like I need to give Tristan some sort of explanation for my behaviour, and then I think not, and decide, instead, on honesty – If he thinks I'm a nutball at the end of it, there’s not much I can do about it. So, I take a deep breath, summon up some courage and tell him the dream, from beginning to end...
“No wonder you looked like you did.” He says, frowning deeply.
“How did I look?” I whisper.
“Shell shocked.” He says, staring straight ahead.
“Oh,” I frown down at my twisted hands. “I’m sorry I kissed Justin.” I feel sick again.
Tristan chuckles at me. “Of all the things to worry about,” he says, shaking his head.
“It doesn’t bother you?” I whisper.
“Baby, George is right. It was just a dream. I know it’s me you love, that’s all the reassurance I’ll ever need. I know you’d never do anything behind my back.”
“Ok,” I whisper, and peck his cheek.
“Why didn’t you tell me that you’ve been seeing your mother?” He softly asks.
“I was scared,” I say, feeling embarrassed.
“Of me?” He says incredulously.
“No, not of you, of what you thought of me. I'm not normal. I don't behave like other people do, and to turn around and say I see and hear dead people in my dreams isn’t exactly a good si
gn, is it? Although...” I trail off –I wonder?
“What?”I shake my head trying to work it out.“Tell me Coral.” Tristan sternly adds.
“I used to have premonitions as a teenager.” I whisper.
“You did?” Tristan says, surprised.
“Yeah...” I trail off, still thinking the possibilities through.
“What kind of premonitions?” Tristan prompts.
“Um...like I would know who was calling when the phone rang...you know stuff like that.” I look up at Tristan, his mouth is open, his eyes wide.
“It’s not just ‘stuff like that’ Coral. What else could you do?” He says, amazed I think.
“Um...I would know what people were going to say before they said it, and I would always kind of know in advance if I was going to have a good or bad day at school.”
“How would you know that?” Tristan whispers, I think it’s his turn to be in shock.
I shrug. “Just...I’d wake up and I’d just get this feeling and then like...a blurry flash image of the future.”
“You’re kidding?” He says, totally wowed by what I'm telling him.
“No, but the most profound one was when I saved Gladys.”
“You...you saved Gladys?” Tristan chokes.
“Yeah...I’d had this weird dream and I woke up feeling terrified. Over the next hour this voice kept whispering ‘don't let her go’ anyway, long story short I begged Gladys not to go’ – “Go where?” He interrupts.
I launch into the story. “...Anyway, after that she swore she would always believe me if I said not to go.”
“I'm sure she did,” he says dryly.
“Tristan, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to panic you, it’s just that last part really, really freaked me out. I didn’t know how to handle it, how to handle telling you.”
“You know if that was a premonition and he did turn up, he wouldn’t get near you. You know that right? I would protect you,” he whispers, his hand gently stroking my back.
“I know,” I whisper back. “I just have this weird feeling, like she’s right, that I do know him.”
Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him Page 119