Suddenly, I'm outside my studio and I'm kissing Justin – No! No...please stop!
The dream shifts again. I'm in a cemetery, trying to find my Mom, my Dad is there, and tries to grab hold of my hand, wanting to take me with him – No! I pull my hand out of his and start running...and he’s chasing me, nearly catching me...No, leave me alone!
Then I'm on the boat, the one where I first dreamt of Tristan and I'm dashing around trying to find him, screaming out for him because I'm afraid and I don't know why, but he’s not answering me.
I run up the stairs and search the deck, and I suddenly realise I am alone – Tristan is not here. I look around and see I am not moored in a beautiful little cove, I am out at sea, and there’s a storm brewing, a big one – I am so scared. My legs start to shake with fear.
The sky darkens, blackening at an incredible rate, the sea is swelling, almost throwing me overboard as the white waves start crashing over the deck. I scream out for Tristan again, but he doesn’t come to me. I grab hold of the main sail, hanging on, praying I survive. The boat starts to make strange noises, groaning in response to the battering it’s getting. I want to cover my ears, but if I let go; surely I’ll die?
I hear the most frightening, thunderous noise, it literally terrifies me, but I know I have no choice but to turn around and see what it is, and just as I do the most enormous wave crashes over me, taking me and the boat down into the icy, black depths of the Atlantic.
I thrash around, swimming as much as I can, trying to get back to the surface, but there’s just blackness in front of me, I can't see anything. I'm so disorientated, so cold, I can't get my bearings, and my whole body feels like there’s millions of needles puncturing me at the same time.
I keep kicking, trying to reach the surface. I have no more air in my lungs, and I know this is it, I am going to drown, I am going to die – Just as I think that the dream shifts again, and I'm lying soaking wet on the beach – I'm home?
I sit up, shivering from head to toe and look around me. I'm not sure if it’s sunrise or sunset, but the warm sun is welcoming on my frozen skin. I wrap my arms around myself trying to generate some heat. The storm has gone, the sea is calm, the sky a light hazy blue.
I stagger to my feet and search the beach, but the world is eerily silent. No cars, no trains, no people, I can't even hear any birds singing – I have to get back to the house, I have to find Tristan!
As I take a step forward, my mother appears in her ghost like way, her light blinding me.
“See...” She says as she did before, and points up to a building. I instantly recognise it – It’s the hotel where he raped me. I quickly look away – No! I don't want to see...
I'm suddenly catapulted to a place I don't know. There’s music playing, I think it’s Frank Sinatra? The room is big and grand with a huge chandelier hanging from the ceiling, the lights are low and soft.There are so many people around, dressed up to the nines. Men in dinner suits, women in beautiful flowing gowns, some people are dancing, some are chatting.
I look down and see I'm in a long black dress, and I have a glass of champagne in my hand. I see her in my peripheral vision again, I spin around and face her; my mother is still with me.
“See...” My mother whispers in my ear and points across the room. I look up and see Tristan in a black dinner suit, smiling at me as he walks towards me.
“No, not him.See...” My mother says,pointing what looks like a hot, white stick out on front of her. I look back in the direction she is pointing, and I see him...the guy who raped me.
He’s walking right behind Tristan, across the dance floor, he’s also dressed in a dinner suit, and has a glass of champagne in his hand.
“He knows you...” My mother whispers. Right on cue he stops, turns to me, raises his glass at me and takes a sip; then smiles an evil, twisted smile – No!...
MY EYES DART OPEN – Fuck!I dash out of bed, my body protesting in pain and reach the toilet just in time for me to violently vomit, over and over again.I hear Tristan approach, and feel him gently pull as much of my hair as he can out of the firing line; his other hand is gently rubbing my back, trying to soothe me – Oh Tristan!
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block out the horrifying images, the overwhelming feelings, the fear, the helplessness...
My body finally gives in. I stop dry retching; and now I feel totally exhausted. Why is being sick, so tiring?
“Baby?” Tristan softly says. I lean up and press the flush. I can't talk to him, I don't think I can even look at him right now because I know I’ll just crumble, and I need to work it all out in my own head first, what that was all about.
I stagger to my feet. Tristan helps me over to the sinks. Reaching forward I pick up my electric toothbrush, add some toothpaste and start brushing my teeth.
“Did you want some Gaviscon?” He asks.
I nod without looking at him. He walks over to the bathroom cupboard and pulls a new bottle out. Walking over to me, he picks up one of the glasses we use for rinsing our mouths out, pours a little into it and waits for me to finish.
When I'm done, I put my toothbrush back, and keeping my eyes to the floor, I turn my body to face Tristan’s. Tentatively, he reaches out and passes me the glass.I turn to the sinks, gripping them for balance, close my eyes and slowly drink down the thick, pink liquid.
“Coral,” Tristan says, his voice trembling. “You’re never this quiet, you’re worrying me. What’s wrong?”
I put the glass down, and stare blankly at the sink.“Just a bad dream Tristan, a nightmare,” I say keeping my eyes down, my voice not sounding like my own.
“Want to talk about it?” He softly asks. I shake my head at him, unable to get any words out. “Why won't you look at me?” He adds.
I stare despondently at the floor. I feel utterly guilty for ignoring him.
Tristan sighs heavily. “What can I do Coral?” I shake my head again. He sighs heavily. “I’m calling George,” he says, and with that he walks out of the bathroom – Fuck!
I AM SAT IN THE CINEMA ROOM, waiting impatiently for George to turn up. He wasn’t due here for another hour.Tristan said this was probably the best place for us to talk, to have some peace and quiet. Terry has been and given me my morning shot, so I’m not in as much pain, but I still hurt all over. Earlier, I took a long, hot shower trying to wash away the feelings, the guilt – I have avoided Tristan this last hour – and to try and warm my body back up. I still feel so cold.
I also feel racked with guilt. I told Tristan he would always be my first port of call from now on, but I guess I was wrong – I’m still freaky Coral...Ugh! Can’t even talk to my own husband to be!
I grit my teeth at myself in anger. My leg won’t stop jigging up and down and I'm biting my fingernails. Argh! I hate feeling like this!
I hear muffled voices coming down the hallway, I can tell it’s Tristan and George. They stop right outside the door, whispering to one another. Maybe they don't realise it’s open or that I can hear them?
“George, give me your honest opinion, please. She’s been almost catatonic since she woke, she’s avoiding me, hell she hasn’t even looked at me,” Tristan stops and takes a deep breath. “Look, if she needs hospitalising then just say so, and I’ll make it happen...I...I don't know what to do? I’ve never seen her like this before.” He says, sounding frantic.
“Tristan, please try not to worry. I have seen Coral like this, many times. Once she gets it out, whatever it is, I'm sure she’ll be back in your arms in no time at all. So much has gone on from what you’ve told me, it’s bound to have some effect, on both of you – eventually something has to give.”
“Ok...ok. I just...” Tristan sighs, he sounds so downhearted.
“You want her happy, healthy?”George says.
“Yes,” Tristan breathes. “Of course I do.”
“Time Tristan, she just needs time, be patient and she will come back to you.”
“Ok, thank you George. Woul
d you like a drink of some sort?”
“Please,” George says.
“Hot, cold...?”
“A pot of tea for us both I think. Coral always seems to like that when she’s having a session.”
“I’ll get Edith to bring it down,” he says.
“Thank youTristan - and try not worry.” George says.
“Easier said than done,” Tristan retorts, then I hear his footsteps climbing the stairs.
George taps lightly on the door, then pops his head inside, I don't look up at him.
“Coral, I need to know you’re ok about me coming in. Can you nod your head once for yes?”I nod once, keeping my eyes to the floor.
“Good, well done.” George enters and sits diagonally to me. I'm on the big couch, he’s on one of the squidgy chairs. I decide that whatever I do, I can't look at him, this needs to be done without eye-contact. If I break it, I feel like I will break, like my brain will just explode on me.
“Tristan is very worried about you Coral’ – “What do you think about death George?”
“Death?”
“Yes.”
“In what context are you referring?”
I sigh inwardly. “When people die, do you think they just shut down or do you think there’s another side to it, like our spirit or soul lives on?”
“Many believe’ – “What do you believe George?”
“It’s not really relevant what I believe Coral, but what you believe is.”
I swallow hard. “My mother keeps visiting me in my dreams, only it doesn’t look like her, but I know it’s her, she’s just this bright white light that floats in the air and I can hear her, she whispers things to me.”
“Many people have had the same sort of image of their loved ones when they have passed on.” George softly says.
“Am I crazy George? Am I turning psychotic like my mother? Is Tristan really going to hospitalise me?”
“Not in the way you’re thinking of. Tristan wants you to be in the best hands if you are sick Coral’ – “Am I sick?” I interrupt, still biting my nails.
“No. In my professional opinion you are not, and you are not psychotic or crazy as you put it. You have been through one hell of a journey in such a small amount of time. Even someone with no prior history like yourself, would be having difficulties, I guarantee you that.” Ok, feeling a little better about turning into a nutcase!
“She told me about my baby,” I whisper.
“Your...your baby?” George says, sounding worried.
“I was pregnant, only a week or so’ – I hear George gasp – ‘Doctors told Tristan, Tristan told me. I miscarried my baby and she showed me before he told me, only at the time, what she showed me didn’t make any sense, and the baby was still alive, looking up at me.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that news Coral.” George softly says.
I nod, despondently.
“What did your mother show you about the baby Coral?”
“The baby in the hole, he’s so still...not moving... and not looking at me.” I hear George frantically scribbling something onto his writing pad.
“Where was the baby Coral?”
“In the hole.”
“What hole?”
“The hole in the forest where the tree was, then it disappeared and the baby was in there.”
“The tree disappeared?”
“Yes, one minute it was there, then it was gone, and then she showed me the baby in the hole.”
“Your mother?”
“Yes. She said ‘see’ and I looked down and there was the baby.”
“I see. Can you think of any reason why the tree would disappear? Have you been out to the woods lately?”
“I dreamt of the woods before. Tristan was there and he disappeared, like smoke. I didn’t want him to go, and I tried to get to him, but something invisible was holding me back.”
“I see, has it been just that one other dream of Tristan in the woods?”Right on the mark Gorge!
“No.”
“There have been others?”
“Yes. Just one.”
“Can you tell me Coral?” I cringe inwardly. “Coral?”
“Do you know Twilight?”
“Isn’t that the vampire story?”
“Yes. The first dream I had Tristan was Edward the vampire, then he changed into Tristan and bought a red apple to my lips. I couldn’t move again, I wanted to reach out for him. Then he said ‘take a bite’ then the dream ended.”
“I see, and had you been to the woods at all?”
“No.”
“Can you think of anything that might be the reason for the tree disappearing?”
“To make room for the baby?” I guess, shrugging my shoulders.
“Possibly,” George says. I search the recesses of my mind, trying to work out – then it hits me, Tristan said about planting a tree.
“This could be relevant though? I want to bury my mother’s ashes, I wanted to give her a grave stone, but Tristan found a place nearby and instead of a plot with a gravestone, you plant a tree.”
“Ah...” George is scribbling again. “Yes, that maybe what this is about Coral, putting your mother to rest.”
“You think so?” I whisper, feeling like the freak that I am.
“Yes, and you’re also dealing with the fact that you lost your child.”
“I didn’t know I was pregnant.” I tremble.
“Sometimes, that can make it even more traumatic.”
“Why?” I croak. Don't cry!
“Often, women feel guilty for not knowing they were pregnant, and they tend to question it over and over again, ‘what did I do wrong?’ or, ‘what didn’t I do that I should have done?’. Also, other women have shared with me that they felt somewhat betrayed by their bodies, let down as they weren’t given any signs or indications that they were with child.”
“Oh.” I swallow hard.
“Have you felt any of those feelings Coral?”
It takes a long time for me to answer. “I...I don't know. I suppose at the time, when Tristan told me, I felt guilty because if I hadn’t have gone to his place, and Susannah hadn’t have shot me, we might still be pregnant. But the guilt didn’t last that long, because no matter what way I look at it, I still would have gone to Tristan, even if I knew she had a gun. So, in a way I lost and I gained. I lost our baby, but I gained Tristan, he is alive.”
“I see, and how do you feel when you see the baby in the hole?”
“The first time I didn’t understand, but I wanted to help it, it looked so tiny, so fragile.”
“And the second time?” My teeth clamp together.“Coral?”
“I didn’t want to see. The baby wasn’t moving. I'm glad it only lasted a split second then the dream changed.” I snap.
“I see, how are you feeling Coral, in general? Happy, sad, angry?”
“Happy.”
“Elaborate please.”
“I am in love. Tristan is a wonderful man, who I clearly do not deserve, but he wants me, so I will spend the rest of my life trying to make him happy.”
“I see, so can you tell me what made you so sick this morning?”
“All of it?” I barely whisper.
“All of what Coral?”
“The dream.”
“Can you share that with me?”
“First Olivia was here in the house’ – “I do apologise Coral, but who is Olivia?”
“Tristan’s ex girlfriend, she came here yesterday unannounced, Tristan told her to leave.”
“Alright, please continue.”
“It was night time and Olivia was in the house, only I was Olivia, like before when I dreamed of Susannah. Olivia walked up into our bedroom and watched Tristan and I sleeping. Then the dream changed to the baby in the hole in the woods and then...Justin,” I end on a whisper.
“Justin was in your dream?”
We both halt our conversation as we hear Edith coming down the stairs, she tentatively
knocks on the door, then walks in and places the tray down; without a word she hurries out of the room, closing the door behind her.
“Please continue Coral. You said Justin was in your dream? George says.
“Yes. Tristan and I went to my studio yesterday, I wanted to see it, only Justin was there trying to find me. He’s back in Brighton and has split with Harriet, he told me he has missed me, that he wants me back, he wants to try again.”
“I see, so what happened with Justin in the dream?”I close my eyes and grit my teeth.“Coral,” George whispers. “Whatever you tell me; stays with me.”
“I know,” I whisper and take a deep breath. “I...I was kissing Justin.” I say, squeezing my eyes shut. “I don't love him, I love Tristan,” I shout.
“I know Coral, that much is plainly clear for all to see.”
“Then why did I kiss Justin?” I squeak.
“Sometimes, seeing someone from our past ignites old feelings, triggers emotions. I'm sure it was nothing more than you remembering what it was like being with him.”
“I feel...” I stop, I can't say it.
“What Coral, what do you feel?”
“Guilty,” I whisper.
“For kissing Justin?”
“Yes, for betraying Tristan.”
“You haven’t betrayed Tristan, it was just a dream.” George softly placates.
I hang my head in my hands.“I don't understand that George, why would I even want to do that? Even if it was in a dream, I meant what I said when I told him I would never have him back, that it’s Tristan I want, who I love. I told Justin I'm marrying Tristan.”
“Again Coral, I will reiterate. Dreams are a way of our subconscious deciphering the events of the day and sometimes those details can be confusing, a little muddled up.”
“Maybe,” I whisper.
“Coral, do you think you can spend the rest of your life never finding another man attractive?”
“I hope so. I don't want to be attracted to anyone else but Tristan.” I balk.
“But as human beings we don't work like that. You can take any male or female who is deeply in love with their mate, yet, they can still find others attractive, they may never do anything about that attraction, but it doesn’t mean the attraction isn’t there.”
Darkest Fears Trilogy: Fallen For Him / Freed By Him / Forever With Him Page 118