Works of W. W. Jacobs

by Jacobs, W. W.

  “Egypt, if you don’t love me, Why do you ‘aunt me, As now you do-o?”

  (Exit R. 1 E.)

  (DIBBS stands looking over MRS. BALDWIN.)

  MRS. BALDWIN. I ain’t been flirting. Oh, I ain’t.

  DIBBS. Can’t you see through him? That was only his artfulness.

  MRS. BALDWIN. What? —

  DIBBS. Ah! He saw you’d found him out, and he wanted to — to throw a red herring in your eyes —

  MRS. BALDWIN. (rising) For shame, John Dibbs. Why, he was all broke up.

  DIBBS. Broke up! Him? Do you know where he’s gone now? Straight to the Old Ship he’s gone.

  MRS. BALDWIN. TO that woman! I don’t believe you, John Dibbs.

  DIBBS. All right — you go and see.

  MRS. BALDWIN. If I believed you —— —— I will go!

  (crosses to down R.)

  DIBBS. (C. in high glee) That’s it. You go down to the Old Ship this evening — now. When he’s there with the crew — and give him a bit of your mind before ’em all.

  MRS. BALDWIN. I will. (crosses to L.) I’ll put my Sunday bonnet on. She shall see I’m a lady — oh!

  (Exit L. 1 E.) —

  DIBBS. (rubbing his hands — triumphantly) Ho-ho! Captain Barley. A pleasant evening to you, Captain Barley!

  (Exit R. 1 E.)

  ETHEL. (heard off L. 2 E.) NO, you shall not stop me, I will go.

  (Comes on to c., followed by LUCY, who wears hat.

  ETHEL carries a bag)

  LUCY. But I don’t understand a word you’re saying.

  ETHEL. I don’t want you to understand. I tell you he came up the cliff, and he’s coming to be introduced to father to-morrow, and Mr. Manners will be here, and the whole thing’s impossible; so I’m going with the other — (crosses to up L.)

  LUCY. What other?

  ETHEL. I can’t stop to tell you. (at the gap up L.) Yes, there’s father in the dog-cart, and there’s a young man in a bowler hat at his side. It’s Herbert. I won’t meet him. I won’t meet him. Why, he might want to kiss me. (comes down.)

  LUCY. (with rapture) Oh!

  ETHEL. (crosses to R.) SO, I’m going — till the storm blows over. I’ve left a note explaining all. Not a soul shall know where I am. Mind you write to me every day.

  LUCY. But you can’t go as you are.

  ETHEL. There! I never thought of that! (sees the cloak MRS. SMEDLEY was at work on) Oh! Look! the very thing.

  (LUCY puts it on her — ETHEL points to the hat.) And there — quick. Give me that!

  (LUCY crosses to L., gets hat, comes to c.)

  Got a hatpin?

  (LUCY takes off her own hat and gives her the hatpin — places hat on seat R.)

  LUCY. What do you look like?

  ETHEL. YOU darling! Good-bye.

  (Hurries off R. 1 E.)

  LUCY. (down R. 1 E., calls after her) Come back! (runs up R. c., looks over railing) Come back! (comes down R. c., looking to R. 2 E.) Oh dear, oh dear, what shall I do?

  (Enter eagerly from L. 2 E. HERBERT MANNERS. He dashes at LUCY, who is standing with her hack to him. Seizes her in his arms, turns her round and, crying “Ethel” kisses her rapturously. LUCY gives a faint scream but is helpless.)

  MANNERS. By Jove! (kiss) By Jove! they said you were waiting for me at the flagstaff. (kiss) By Jove! —

  LUCY. (struggling) Mr. Manners! —

  MANNERS. That’s me. (kiss) Herbert! By Jove! (kiss) how you’ve grown. And changed! You’re ever so much prettier than your photograph. (kiss) And quite different. I shouldn’t have known you (to), by Jove!

  LUCY. (gets her hands on his chest and thrusts him hack) You — you don’t know me.

  HERBERT. (hacks to L. C.) Eh? What? By Jove — er — er — aren’t you Ethel?

  LUCY. I’m her cousin — Lucy Dallas. (arranges her hair, etc.)

  HERBERT. (aghast) Well, but I say — by Jove — I made sure —

  LUCY.(gently, coming down R., smoothing her ruffled hair) Oh, I don’t think you did.

  HERBERT. (goes to her) By Jove — I wouldn’t have done it for anything if I’d known. I’m awfully sorry.

  LUCY. (pouting) Oh!

  HERBERT. I mean to say — sorry I made the mistake, you know — not sorry I —— — (LUCY bridles)

  What I mean to say — what I should have said —

  (helplessly) By Jove —— — (goes to L.)

  LUCY. It doesn’t matter. Please don’t say anything more about it. (smiles quietly) It wasn’t worth making a fuss about. (she arranges bracelets on right arm.)

  HERBERT. (aside, admiring her) Not so sure about that — by Jove!

  LUCY. I hope you had a pleasant drive.

  MANNERS. (goes to her — still dazed) Yes — that is — is the Major quite well?

  LUCY. (surprised) Why, he drove you, didn’t he? (music)

  MANNERS. That’s why I’m asking. He was so funny — flogging the horse — muttering to himself — flushed fade — jerky manner — seemed to me on the verge of apoplexy.

  LUCY. (looking off R.) OH dear (murmurs heard off L.) And he’ll be worse by and bye.

  MANNERS. Eh? Worse! I say, where is Ethel?

  LUCY. I don’t know.

  (Fearful uproar L. Enter the MAJOR, waving a sheet of notepaper — he is speechless. Behind him MRS SMEDLEY in alarm. DIBBS appears at the side R. 1 E. eating.)

  MAJOR. (off) Manners! — Manners! Where the devil’s Manners?

  MRS. SMEDLEY. William — William — do speak. What is it?

  LUCY. Uncle!

  MANNERS. Major — (goes to C.)

  MAJOR. Ethel —

  MANNERS. What’s the matter with her?

  MAJOR. (after a furious struggle with himself, blurts it out) She’s bolted.

  (Music f.)

  (Women scream — then MANNERS, LUCY and MRS. SMEDLEY surround MAJOR, each eager to hear the news.)

  CURTAIN.

  (Picture up R. c. MANNERS R. of him, both looking over rail with their legs apart. MRS. SMEDLEY seated L. LUCY looking off R. 2 E. DIBBS R., looking at coins in his hand.)

  ACT II.

  SCENE. — The bar of the “Old Ship” at Coastham. On the left, facing the audience, a short oak staircase leads to a small landing, from which a door on the left opens into an upper room. At the back is a small round window. At the back, L. C., a glazed double swing door, with the words, “The Old Ship,” visible backwards on the glass. In front of it a large, thick mat. Then at the back c., a large redbrick fireplace, screened off on both sides by oaken settles coming out at right angles to the wall, so that it forms a delightful nook. On the smoke-blackened mantelpiece a fine collection of old china and above it the model of a ship. In the fireplace a great roaring wood fire, with an enormous black kettle singing over it. Chair and table up c. Chair down L. C. In the right corner a large circular window with small panes and red curtains. Beyond it the lights of the town are seen. A low seat runs round the window. The whole of the right wall is occupied by a circular, mahogany, pewter-topped bar, with practicable beer engines, etc. In the end of the bar, facing the audience, is a mahogany flap, giving admission to it.

  In the centre of the wall, behind the bar, a door admitting to the house. The rest of the wall is covered with shelves, on which are innumerable bottles, boxes of cigars, etc., etc. Any available wall-space is covered with sporting prints, pictures of ships, etc. The ceiling is supported by heavy oak beams, and is discoloured with smoke. The floor is sanded. A stool below the bar R. Gas jet on counter up R. Two gas jets with white globes over mantelpiece.

  (Music.)

  (At the rise of the curtain, MRS. PORTER, the landlady, fat, forty and yellow-haired, is busy behind the bar. ALF and JACK, seamen, are drinking in the window. The settle R. is occupied by BILL, a fat sailor, and TED, on L., JOE R. C. MEN are singing a chanty and beating time with their mugs on the settle.)

  CHORUS.

  With a heigh heave ho, With a heigh heave ho, Oh, fare you well, My bonny young gi
rl, For I’m off to Rio Grande.

  Oh, fare you well, My bonny young girl, For I’m off to Rio Grande.

  (MEN laugh.)

  MRS. PORTER. (sharply) That’ll do. That’ll do. Less noise there!

  (The MEN take no notice.)

  (banging on the bar) D’ye hear what I say, or must I call my ‘usband?

  JOE. Call ‘er ‘usband!

  (MEN laugh.)

  TED. All right, missis. We’re on’y a-tryin’ to drownd Bill’s voice.

  (MEN laugh.)

  BILL. Look ‘ere, I don’t want none o’ your remarks, and wot’s more I won’t ‘ave ’em.

  TED. (rises, pacifically) All right, Bill, (comes down L. c.)

  BILL. But it ain’t all right. You say any more things about my voice, and I’ll put such a head on yer —

  (JACK rises in window and looks over settle at BILL.)

  TED. (very softly — sits on chair L. c.) I didn’t mean drownd it, Bill, o’ course I know fog ‘orns couldn’t do that.

  (ALL laugh.)

  Wot it wants is a cork; a cork out of a pickle bottle. (ALL laugh.)

  BILL. (puzzled) A cork! A cork out of a pickle — (gets up; he gives a yell and begins to shape down c., dancing about like a barrel) Put ’em up, you Dutchman! Put ’em up!

  (As BILL goes down, JOE goes round to down L. TED jumps up, gets behind chair, then dodges up R. to fire, ALF and JACK come down a little.)

  MRS. PORTER, (as TED responds to BILL’S challenge, opens door behind bar and calls) George! George!

  (Enter R., very tiny, bald and grey LANDLORD in shirt sleeves and apron. He rushes out of bar under the flap in front, and rolls up his shirt sleeves over diminutive arms — down R.)

  GEORGE. NOW then! Are you goin’ out? Or ‘ave I got to put you out?

  (He rushes up behind BILL, who is down R., and locking his arms round his waist, tries to move him to the door. BILL advances and retreats on his adversary without paying the slightest attention to GEORGE. The other sailors take the deepest interest in the fight.)

  JOE. GO it, fatty!

  ALF. ‘It out, Ted. You can’t miss ‘im.

  JACK. Sit on ‘im, Bill.

  TED. (up c., pretending to be frightened) Mercy! Mercy! (he gets round table and picks BILL’S mug up) Why, you ain’t finished your beer, Bill.

  (BILL is close to TED, who strikes out and sends BILL with GEORGE flying against bar. MRS. PORTER screams. MEN roar with laughter.) —

  Well, here’s luck! (drinks it off while BILL is trying to get at him)

  BILL. (with a roar) I’ll murder you! (swings round to R. then round to L., trying to shake GEORGE off)

  (TED dances up to door with BILL’S beer. MEN laugh.)

  MRS. PORTER. Put ’em outside, George, both of ’em. D’ye hear me?

  (BILL infuriated, turns to pursue TED.) GEORGE, (still clinging round BILL’S waist) One at a time, my dear.

  (TED is dancing at the door. BILL lurches forward, with landlord hanging to him, and with a sudden rush goes up to TED, who places mug on table. They disappear through the door.)

  JOE. (going back to up R., to MRS. PORTER). Might ‘ave let ’em ‘ad their scrap out, missis.

  ALF. (joining him) Might so well be at the Sailors’ ‘Ome.

  OMNES. Yes.

  (MEN grumble.)

  ALF. Can’t sleep or do nothing.

  (Re-enter GEORGE. He comes to bar, and leaning one elbow on it, crosses his feet and strikes attitude. As he enters he feels his muscles.)

  MRS. PORTER. ‘Ave ye got rid of ’em, George?

  GEORGE. (contemptuously) What do you think? Next time I’ll man-handle ’em a little bit more.

  (BARLEY, TOM and AUGUSTUS appear at window R., cross to L.)

  ALF. (looking out of the window)’Ulloa. Here’s that Cap’n Barley a-comin’.

  MRS. PORTER. (delighted) Cap’n Baxley! (she turns and pats her hair in glass behind bar)

  GEORGE, (suddenly relaxing his attitude and scowling fiercely) Cap’n Barley?

  JACK. Ah — an’ he’s bringin’ his two chaps with ‘im.

  (Enter CAPTAIN BARLEY, TOM CODD and AUGUSTUS SMITH, the latter two in working clothes. AUGUSTUS is a raw hobbledehoy. The CAPTAIN advances to the bar. The other two stand deferentially down L. C.) CAPTAIN. (below GEORGE. Pushes in front of GEORGE; shaking hands with MRS. PORTER) And how’s my lily o’ the valley?

  MRS. PORTER. (mincingly)’Ow’s Cap’n Barley this evening?

  CAPTAIN. (detaining her hand) So so! (with concern) Why, what ha’ you done to your dear little hand?

  MRS. PORTER. Only a cut.

  CAPTAIN. Only a cut! (tenderly) I wish you’d be more careful o’ yourself.

  (GEORGE, who has been watching up R. C. with concentrated fury, coughs. CAPTAIN looks at him.)

  MRS. PORTER. Ah well! I shall die when my time comes, I s’pose.

  CAPTAIN. Don’t die yet awhile, for my sake. (GEORGE coughs again. CAPTAIN looks at him.)

  MRS. PORTER. Your sake?

  CAPTAIN. Yes. I should die the day after. (to GEORGE, who coughs once more) Got a chill, ain’t yer? (to MRS. PORTER) Here! I’ve got something to tell you.

  (MRS. PORTER leans over bar. CAPTAIN whispers close to her ear. Her face is suffused with mirth. She has intermittent giggles. Then she flicks at CAPTAIN with a towel. TOM and AUGUSTUS lurch against each other and grin.)

  TOM. (L. C. aside to AUGUSTUS) Ain’t he a dawg? AUGUSTUS, (L.) Wish ‘e’d think o’ us! (wipes his lips with back of hand)

  GEORGE. (who can bear it no longer, taps CAPTAIN on shoulder three times; to CAPTAIN) Might I ask what you’ve been a-sayin’ to my wife?

  CAPTAIN. (to MRS. PORTER) Shall I tell him? MRS. PORTER. The idea! Certainly not. (flicks at CAPTAIN.)

  CAPTAIN. The idea! Certainly not. (pushes GEORGE up R. C.) What’s it to be, Tom?

  TOM. I’ll ‘ave a pint o’ ale, please, Cap’n.

  (CAPTAIN looks inquiringly at AUGUSTUS.) AUGUSTUS. Pint o’ ale, please, Captain.

  CAPTAIN. (to MRS. PORTER) TWO pints, glass o’ bitter, (puts doum sixpence)

  (While MRS. PORTER is drawing the beer, GEORGE comes down in front of CAPTAIN and taps him two or three times.)

  GEORGE. (truculently) I want a word with you, Cap’n Barley.

  (With his left hand CAPTAIN gently pushes him aside so that he gets in front of TOM, who pushes GEORGE SO that he goes to the CAPTAIN, who pushes him to TOM, who pushes GEORGE above him to behind him. AUGUSTUS is about to do the same, but GEORGE glares at him. GEORGE goes to L. C. and up to R. C. CAPTAIN hands mug to TOM, who goes up stage to down L. Then to AUGUSTUS, who crosses to down R. TOM and AUGUSTUS say, “Thank yer, sir.”)

  CAPTAIN. (to them) Wet sail!

  TOM. and Wet sail, guv’nor.

  AUGUSTUS.

  (ALL drink.)

  CAPTAIN. I say! (to MRS. PORTER) What’s the matter with the ale?

  MRS. PORTER. Eh? (takes proffered glass and sips) What is the matter with it?

  CAPTAIN. (takes back the glass and drinks) Nothing, now you’ve sweetened it.

  (MRS. PORTER flicks at him again. AUGUSTUS sits on bar R.)

  GEORGE. (behind CAPTAIN, furious) Here, I say! CAPTAIN. (turning to him) And what do you say, Georgie? (pushes GEORGE up R. C. and crosses to L.; sits)

  AUGUSTUS. — (ogling MRS. PORTER) I think mine ‘ud be the better for a little sweetening.

  MRS. PORTER. (takes his mug) Why, what’s the matter with it? (hands to her husband) Taste this, George.

  GEORGE. (taking a good taste) (ALL the men show amused interest. JOE down c a little, ALF is asleep in window. JACK comes to L. of JOE) I can’t see nothing the matter with it. Try that beer, Joe. (hands it to JOE, C., and goes up R. c.)

  AUGUSTUS. Never mind, Joe. Perhaps it’s my mouth that’s wrong. Don’t trouble, Joe.

  JOE. (drinking off beer) I can’t see nothing the matter with it. You don’t know good beer when you’ve got it, mate.

  (MEN laugh. TED and B
ILL heard off R., singing softly at first and louder as they come to door c. They sing — )

  “When you are going to London Town, Heigh ho, blow the men down, To see the Queen with a golden crown, Heigh oh, blow the men down.”

  (AUGUSTUS, crestfallen, shows empty mug to CAPTAIN and puts it on to bar.)

  CAPTAIN. Ah! You drink too fast, my lad!

  (ALL laugh. CAPTAIN crosses to bar down R.)

  (Re-enter BILL and TED with arms lovingly entwined round each other’s necks. BILL is R. of TED. They have got to the end of third line for second time when they reach c of stage. They finish “Golden Crown” with a shriek which annoys landlord considerably.)

  GEORGE. (R. C., firing up) Now then! Outside! TED. It’s all right. Bill and me, we’re like brothers now.

  BILL. YUSS (in explanation) Ted met a chap wot owed ‘im ‘arf a dollar. (both go to bar)

  TED. YUS. TWO pots, missis, (places money on bar)

  (MRS. PORTER draws the ale.)

  BILL. Going to Hedge End, Cap’n?

  CAPTAIN. Aye — to-morrow morning.

  TED. (handing beer to BILL) Here’s luck.

  BILL. Same to you, matey.

  (They drink.)

  (The swing doors at back open and ETHEL is seen peeping in. She disappears.)

  (JOE sits on table, strikes up a sailor’s hornpipe on a concertina.)

  TED. GO it, Joe! Shake a leg, Billy.

  BILL. I’m willing.

  (Puts his glass on bar. Gets to down R. c and dances. The others are absorbed in his dance and beat time with their hands and feet.)

  MRS. PORTER. JACK. AUGUSTUS. GEORGE.

  TED. — JOE. TOM.

  BILL.CAPTAIN.

  (TOM makes GEORGE waltz with him, then TOM gets c. JACK and AUGUSTUS waltz together.)

  (Meanwhile ETHEL once more peeps in. GEORGE, who is extreme left, catches sight of her, hurries up to the door, opens it wide and is seen talking with her. With evident delight he shows her CAPTAIN BARLEY, who is lolling over the bar talking to MRS. PORTER. He persuades ETHEL to come in and she enters timidly; the swing-doors close after her. She follows GEORGE to down L.; she carries small bag.)

  GEORGE. (shouting mischievously) Stop it! Stop it, d’ye hear. Here’s a young lady.

  MEN. A young lady!

  (Music stops.)