Works of W. W. Jacobs

by Jacobs, W. W.

  JIM (feebly). I believe there is — I — I’ve heard our chaps talk about it.

  MARY. But you haven’t been there. Have you, Jim?

  JIM (emphatically) — Never!

  MARY. That wicked bird said you got intoxicated there.

  HOBSON. Hullo, this is in my line.

  MARY. And that you smashed a little marble-topped table, and knocked down two waiters, and that if it had not been for the Captain of the “Pursuit,” who was there at the time, and who got you away, you’d have been locked up. Wasn’t it a wicked bird?

  JIM. Horrible l Shocking!

  HOBSON. In my opinion it’s a genius.

  MARY. I don’t suppose there ever was a ship called the “Pursuit.”

  JIM. Doesn’t sound like a ship’s name.

  HOBSON (much impressed). If the parrot said there was, you can bet it is all right.

  MARY. Well then, a few days later it said, your ship was at Naples.

  JIM. I never went ashore all the time we were at Naples.

  MARY. The parrot said you did.

  JIM (starting up). I suppose you’ll believe your own lawful husband before that — (Just going to say d — ) bird?

  HOBSON. Well, in my opinion it’s a very clever bird.

  JIM. Oh, you shut up.

  HOBSON. Well, I merely remarked that in my opinion —

  JIM. Well, you keep your opinions to yourself.

  HOBSON. All right.

  JIM (to MARY). I ask you, are you going to believe that bird before your husband?

  MARY. Of course I don’t believe it, Jim, I’m trying to prove to you that the bird is not truthful, but you’re so hard to persuade. Was there a girl who kept a fruit stall just by the harbour? —

  JIM (gazing restlessly in direction of cage). How should I know?

  MARY. Well, the parrot said there was, and that one evening on the strength of having bought three pen’. orth of green figs from her, you put your arm around her waist and tried to kiss her, and her sweetheart who was standing by, was going to stab you; to escape him you jumped into the harbour and were nearly drowned. Then again, the bird said that when you were at Suez —

  JIM. That’ll do.

  MARY. I am sure I don’t want to have to repeat it, but it said that when you were at Suez —

  JIM. That’ll do. (Bus.)

  HOBSON (softly). Suez! Is that where the Canal is?

  JIM. Here, Hobson, hand over that fiver and take that — that — (Choke) beast away.

  HOBSON. Beast! In my opinion it’s a marvel.

  JIM. Well, on this occasion you are at liberty to your opinion.

  HOBSON. Well, I never parted with £5 more readily in all my life. I can tell you, Mr. Gannett, that the jealousy this bird will create amongst my customers will be enormous. Some of ’em flatters themselves on their command of what they calls their mother tongue, but I can see their faces blushing at their incompetence when this ‘ere bird once gets fairly started. Come along, my professor of elocution.

  (Exits with parrot D. R. C to R.)

  MARY. NOW you see why I wanted to get rid of that bird, don’t you, Jim? You’re so jealous that if it had told you untruths about me, you would have believed them, wouldn’t you?

  JIM (taking MARY in his arms). No, my dear, I wouldn’t. Look here, Mary, I promise you I’ll never be jealous again.

  MARY. And I did quite right to sell it, didn’t I, Jim?

  JIM. Quite right. (Giving her the £5 note). And you buy something that won’t talk.

  MARY. I will, Jim dear.

  (Knocks heard D. R. C- JIM opens door discovering MR. and MRS. ROGERS.)

  SAM. Well, here we are back again, Mrs. Gannett. Jim, this is my wife.

  JIM. HOW d’ye do. Come in, we’re just going to have a cup of tea. Why, Sam, I didn’t know you knew Mrs. Gannett.

  SAM. Well, I didn’t till this afternoon. But me and my wife came round with Matheson’s message and Mrs. Gannett kindly asked us in to tea.

  MARY. O yes, I forgot to tell you about it, Jim dear, JIM. Oh! You. You’ve been here before have you? — (Truth dawning on him, to SAM meaningly.)

  Sam, do you know what I’d like to do to you?

  SAM (with affected innocence). Eh! Me! No-o-o-o! JIM (meaningly). Drop you off the top of a ‘bus. (SAM starts and edges away — JIM follows him up.) Pull your tail feathers out, and then wring your neck. (Laughingly.)

  SAM (innocently and questioningly). Like a bird!

  JIM. Yes, like a bird!

  MARY. Jim dear — I felt like doing that to “The Grey Parrot.”

  (All sit down to tea-table.)

  CURTAIN.

  ADMIRAL PETERS

  A COMEDY IN ONE ACT

  First produced at the Garrick Theatre, London, 7th June, 1909.

  CAST.

  GEORGE BURTON — A Naval Pensioner MR. ARTHUR WHITBY

  JOE STILES — An old messmate of Burton’s MR. LEON QUARTERMAINE

  MRS. DUTTON — A widow Miss MARY WEIGALL

  ADMIRAL PETERS.

  MUSIC FOR CURTAIN. “Nancy Lee.” After first refrain ring up.

  SCENE. — Exterior of BURTON’S cottage at Seacombe. L., entrance into cottage. — L.C., rustic table, chairs, etc.

  R.C. garden gate. A pretty seascape at back.

  GEORGE BURTON and JOE STILES discovered. BURTON is sitting with a dejected air. JOE is looking quite cheerful and happy.

  GEORGE. (sitting R. of table) It’s no good, Joe, it’s no good; she’ll never speak to me again. She always thought I was a “Sammy” teetotaller, but after seeing me last night —

  JOE. (sitting L. of table) It was unlucky, but it can’t be [helped.

  GEORGE. What did you want to come here at all for, destroying my peace and happiness?

  JOE. Well, there’s gratitude! I arrive in London, says I to myself, “I haven’t seen my old pal George Burton for seven years,” and I takes the trouble to find out where you’ve settled down, and so yesterday down I comes from London, and now you talk like that. “Oh, George, I’m ashamed of you, I’m ashamed of you, that I am.”

  GEORGE. (tapping table with finger) Why did you go and “loor” me on to grog?

  JOE. (sadly) I didn’t “loor” you, George. (quickly)

  You didn’t want no luring.

  GEORGE. Yes, you did. I wouldn’t care, only — just my luck — Mrs. Dutton sees us coming out of the “Cock and Flower Pot.”

  JOE. Well, we couldn’t help coming out — we was pushed out. (BURTON sighs) Buck up old man! (rises and goes to back of table)

  GEORGE. You’ve queered my chances with Mrs. Dutton, and we’ve been keeping company for pretty near six months now; she Won’t have nothing more to do with me, I know.

  JOE. Pooh! Just because she saw you with a cargo of whisky aboard. Rubbish! She’ll come round.

  GEORGE. No, she won’t. She’s chapel and very particular. She always said she’d break it off if I took anything stronger than ginger ale. —

  JOE. (reflecting) Tell her it was the sea air acting on all old sun stroke.

  GEORGE. Pooh! She ain’t a fool. —

  JOE. Well, don’t be down ‘earted. (patting him on the shoulder) Have a drop of grog. —

  GEORGE. Grog! Bah! I can’t bear the sight of it. (rises) —

  JOE. Then drink it with your eyes shut. I’ll fetch it.

  Turns into cottage L. exit.

  GEORGE. (coming L. rises) I wish to goodness you’d leave the grog alone. You was always getting me into trouble when we was messmates together.

  JOE. (off) What you want is a tonic.

  GEORGE. Tonic! I wish you’d leave me and my inn’ards alone.

  JOE. (off) Stow it.

  Re-enters STILES with bottles and glasses, which he puts on a table. —

  JOE. Here we are. Let’s have a drop of this.

  GEORGE. I’d rather not touch it. (away to L. and again to table)

  JOE. Well, if you won’t, you won’t. I was thinking more about mysel
f, (pours out) I can’t bear the stuff, but the doctor says I must have it. You know what doctors are, George. (pours out grog)

  JOE pours out two (glasses — his own half full — GEORGE’S an eighth full. GEORGE changes glasses unseen by JOE; JOE discovers; annoyed.

  JOE. Well, here’s Mrs. Dutton’s health, and to the happy couple.

  GEORGE is about to drink when he suddenly starts and puts his glass down.

  What’s the matter?

  GEORGE. Look! Look! There she is coming this way. Take away these things, Joe, for heaven’s sake. What on earth am I to say to her? What am I to do? (goes C. behind table)

  JOE. (pushed off by George) Don’t be frightened mate —

  I’ll go inside. I don’t want to interfere with your billing and cooing. Two’s company — you know — eh? — Ha, ha!

  JOE exits with bottles and (flosses, laughing. GEORGE leans against door.

  MRS. DUTTON enters — she locks at him scornfully, pause, comes a GEORGE. Er — good morning — lovely morning, Mrs. Dutton.

  MRS. D. (C. severely) Good morning, Mr. Burton. I’ve called round to return the books you lent me.

  GEORGE. (meekly) Thank you, Mrs. Dutton. I hope you liked ’em.

  MRS. D. Very much, thank you, especially this one — (reads title) “The Advantages of Total Abstinence.”

  GEORGE, (coughs awkwardly — pause) I saw you last night.

  MRS. D. I saw you too. I could hardly believe my eyesight. I thought you were a teetotaller.

  GEORGE. SO I am. (JOE rattles glasses — off) I mean — I was.

  MRS. D. It didn’t look like it last night, dancing and singing in the middle of the village.

  GEORGE. (feebly) Was I? (coming to L. of table)

  MRS. D. Ah! I don’t suppose you remember it. Who was that horrid man with you?

  GEORGE. (L.C.) It was — an old shipmate of mine. He hadn’t seen me for years, and I suppose the sight of me upset him.

  MRS. D. (C.) I daresay — that and the “Cock and Flowerpot,” too — I heard all about it. (puts market basket on table)

  GEORGE. (feebly) He would go. I tried all I could to persuade him not to. —

  MRS. D. YOU needn’t have gone.

  GEORGE. I ‘ad to.

  MRS. D. YOU ‘ad to — why?

  GEORGE. I ‘ad to. He’s — an old officer of mine, and it wouldn’t have been discipline for me to refuse. You don’t know how strict discipline is in the navy.

  MRS. D. Officer?

  Long pause.

  GEORGE. (desperately) Yes. My old Admiral. Admiral Peters. You’ve heard me speak of Admiral Peters?

  MRS. D. Admiral! What! a-carrying on like that? Dancing and singing with his arm round your neck!

  GEORGE. He’s a regular old sea-dog. He’s staying with me. (coming to her confidentially) But of course he don’t want it known who he is! I couldn’t refuse to ‘ave a drink with ‘im — I was under orders, so to speak.

  MRS. D. Yes, I suppose so. Fancy him staying with you — an Admiral!

  GEORGE He’s only run down for the night, but I expect he’ll be going ‘ome in an hour or two.

  MRS. D. (evidently impressed) Dear me! I should like to have seen him. Didn’t you tell me once that he was undo to Lord Buckfast?

  GEORGE. Buckwheat — oh yes.

  MRS. D. Buckfast.

  GEORGE. Er — yes — Buckfast — I did. (aside) Oh, lor! (away down L.)

  MRS. D. The idea of an Admiral staying with you!

  GEORGE. (returning to her. Feebly) Of course, it’s a secret between us three, Mrs Dutton. You mustn’t breathe a word of it to a living soul.

  MRS. D. Of course; you can tell the Admiral that I shall not mention it to anybody. Well, I must go now. Of course, it does make a difference. (they shake hands) I ain’t unreasonable — you could hardly refuse to obey an Admiral. You can come and see me this evening, George, same as usual, if you like, and —

  GEORGE. Well?

  MRS. D. Bring the dear Admired with you.

  Exit mincingly C. to R.

  GEORGE. The dear Admiral! (sings Nancy Lee — dances down C.)

  Enter JOE STILES from cottage L.

  JOE. Bravo! Well my hearty, how goes it? Stormy weather — or did she let you down easy?

  GEORGE, (laughing) Ah, that was all right — that was all right. I managed her. I ‘ad an idea — I told her you was an Admiral.

  JOE. An Admiral.

  GEORGE. Yes -Admiral Peters — what d’you think o’ that for an excuse? Eh?

  JOE. What! Me! Admiral Peters! What’s the game?

  GEORGE. I told her I ‘ad to drink last night — seeing it was your orders — the Admiral’s orders — d’ye see?

  JOB. Me? — an Admiral! Splendid! It’s lucky for you George, that I can look the part. I’ve always had a sort of idea that I should have been an Admiral, only I was changed at birth. George, my lad, I shall stay with you for a week or two. It’ll do you a world of good to be seen on friendly terms with an Admiral.

  GEORGE. NO, no. I think you had better go ‘ome after dinner, Joe.

  JOE. NO, George, I won’t desert you!

  GEORGE. But if anyone sees you — I’ll have to say you are an Admiral now —

  JOE. All the better, stupid, can’t I tell ’em how we fought and bled together in days gone by.

  GEORGE. Ah!

  JOB. ‘OW we got our medals as ‘eras for savin’ life at sea.

  GEORGE. But we didn’t get no medals.

  JOE. Oh George, George, you’ve no imagination. Admiral Peters, eh! He was a scorcher — he was. I wonder if I might use the old boy’s language.

  GEORGE. (in alarm) No, certainly not! You’ve no idea how particular she is. (re-enter MRS. DUTTON from R. to C.)

  JOE. It seems a pity. However —

  GEORGE sees MRS. DUTTON coughs and nudges JOB.

  MRS. D. (speaking in a very precise genteel manner) I left my basket, Mr. Burton. (sees STILES who is striking attitudes) (aside) The Admiral! —

  JOE. (nudges GEORGE) Introduce me, Burton.

  GEORGE, (awkwardly) Er — Mrs. Dutton — (to JOE aside) — Go away — er — this is my old officer, Admiral Peters.

  JOE. (loftily) Delighted, Madam, delighted. (crosses to o on her L.)

  MRS. D. (C. smirking) I’m afraid you find this a very ‘umble place, Admiral?

  JOE. It’s comfortable, ma’am. Ah! you should see some of the palaces I’ve been in abroad, all show and no comfort. Not a decent chair in the place — and as for anti macassars!

  MRS. D. Are you making a long stay, Admiral Peters?

  JOE. It depends. My intention was just to pay a flying visit to ray honest old friend Burton here — best man in my squadron — but he is so hospitable he’s been pressing me to stay for a few weeks.

  GEORGE. (hastily) But the Admiral says he must go back to-morrow morning. —

  JOE. (with an air of reminding him) Unless I have a letter at breakfast time, Burton.

  GEORGE, (turns away disgusted) Bah!

  MRS. D. Oh, I do hope you will.

  JOE. I have a feeling that I shall. The only thing is — my people; they want me to join them at Lord Bampton’s place.

  GEORGE (aside) His people!

  MRS. DUTTON expresses admiration.

  MRS. D. (aside) Lord Bampton! (aloud) What a change shore life must be to you after the perils of the sea, Admiral Peters?

  JOE Ah! true — true!

  MRS. D. The dreadful fighting! (sitting on bench R.C.)

  JOE. YOU get used to it. Hottest time I had, I think, was at the bombardment of Alexandria — I stood alone. (GEORGE indicates to JOE to include him) All the men who hadn’t been shot down had fled, and the shells were bursting round me like — like fireworks.

  MRS. D. (horrified) Lor!

  GEORGE, (smiling and spreading out hand) I was standing just behind ‘im waiting for any orders he might give — JOB. (reflecting) Was you? Was you? I don’t remember it, Burton. (GEORGE shakes fist a
t JOE — is seen by MRS. DUTTON — and converts action into a salute)

  GEORGE, (irritably) Why, I was just behind you, sir. If you remember, sir, I said to you that it was pretty hot work. Says I — I says — sir — (pause)

  JOE. (still reflecting) No, Burton, no. So far as my memory goes, I was the only man there.

  GEORGE, (getting desperate) A bit of shell knocked my cap off, sir. —

  JOE. (sharply) That’ll do my man, that’ll do — not another word. You forget yourself. —

  GEORGE, (saluting) Aye, aye, sir — but —

  JOE. Silence.

  JOB waves him off. BURTON begins to lose his temper.

  JOE takes chair from R. of table and sits C.

  JOB. (to MRS. DUTTON) My people — ahem! My people have heard of Burton. He often has shared my dangers. We have been in many tight places together, (to GEORGE) DO you remember those two nights when we were hidden in the chimney at the palace of the Sultan of Zanzibar, Burton? GEORGE, (recovering) I should think I do.

  JOE. Stuck so tight we could hardly breathe.

  GEORGE, (fervently) I shall never forget it as long as I live.

  MRS. D. Oh, do tell me about it, Admiral Peters, (looks at the two men)

  JOE. Surely Burton has told you that?

  Mrs. D. (reproachfully) Never breathed a word of it.

  JOE. Well, tell it now Burton. (passing BURTON to C goes L.C. BURTON protests) Tell it now. (BURTON hesitates — begins story — gets chair, is about to sit — JOE coughs — BURTON rises)

  GEORGE. (taken aback) No, no, you tell it better than I do, sir. (aside) I don’t know what you’re driving at.

  JOE. NO, no, you tell it, it’s your story. —

  GEORGE. It’s your story, sir.

  JOE. (decidedly) No, (goes down L., return in front of BURTON to L.) I won’t tell it. It wouldn’t be fair to poor Burton. I’d forgotten that when I spoke. Of course — you were young at the tune, still —

  GEORGE, (trembling with rage) I’ve done nothing that I’m ashamed of, (JOE withers him with a Look) sir.

  MRS. D. (winsomely) I think it’s very hard, if I’m not to hear it.

  JOE looks’significantly at MRS. DUTTON, shakes his head and nods towards GEORGE.

  GEORGE, (with grim emphasis) At any rate you were in the chimney with me, sir. (salute and laugh)

  JOE. (severely) Ah! but what was I there for, my man? Tell me that.