Reclaiming Hope

by Shell Taylor

  Riley left a hastily scribbled thank-you note for Greg’s mom, clomped out the door, and threw his bags into the bed of the truck.

  “Took you long enough,” Greg complained as Riley climbed in the cab.

  “Lost track of time,” Riley replied. He was used to Greg’s rough exterior and didn’t let his bluntness or his brash personality bother him. He was a fair foreman, and though he might not be overtly kind, he treated all of his employees with respect. “Your wife sad you’ll be away during the week?”

  Greg’s mustache twitched, and he peered at Riley from the corner of his eye. “You know how Sue is. She’s glad to have the TV to herself.”

  “I bet she’s begging you to come home by Tuesday.”

  Greg grunted. “Marvel show is on Tuesday nights.”

  “Wednesday, then.”

  “That’s when the guy who never wears a shirt is on TV.” Greg pulled into the street. “I’m tellin’ ya, kid. She’s happier without me home.”

  Riley rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, boss.”

  They drove in silence for a while. Riley expected and welcomed it, so he was surprised when Greg cleared his throat. “You know I don’t make a habit of getting involved with my crew’s personal lives….”

  He trailed off and shifted in his seat. Riley encouraged him to continue. “But….”

  “I gather the people we’re working for… you were close to them once. Maybe are again?”

  Riley nodded. “Yeah. Adam was the first person I ever trusted. I never knew Elijah too well, but their son was my best friend at one time.”

  Greg’s mustache twitched again. “You know I have no problems with you or who you date, but I know you’ve kept the rest of the crew in the dark. You’re in charge of them now, and that requires a certain level of trust.”

  The air in the cab felt thick, as Riley realized where Greg was heading. He gripped the door handle.

  “I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t tell them. It’s none of their concern, but you might want to have a conversation with your friends about how they treat you in front of the boys. I won’t stand to hear them say anything derogatory on site. They know what and where we’re building, but I can’t stop everything. I’m their boss, not their conscience.”

  Riley remained silent for a while, thankful Greg wasn’t the type to ramble. “You think I should tell them?”

  Greg shifted in his seat again. “Didn’t say that either.”

  “So you think I shouldn’t tell them?”

  Greg sighed. “Look, kid. I think you have a bright future ahead of you. Maybe you got into some trouble in the past, but I know how much my sister struggled and how much she continues to struggle. I’d hate to see you go back to that type of life because of some assholes.”

  Riley cocked his head and studied Greg. He hadn’t answered his question at all.

  “Sooo… don’t tell them?”

  The ends of Greg’s mustache pointed down as he frowned. “Don’t believe I’d do it just yet, but if you do, you have my support.”

  Riley sighed. Less than two hours earlier he’d looked at his scars in the mirror and found strength in them. At that moment he felt the imaginary pain of the scars digging into his skin, into his soul, reminding him he couldn’t be honest about his true self without risking the very thing that had helped him come so far.

  “LOOK AT you, big boss man.”

  Riley looked up from the plans laid out before him to watch Kollin strut across the site. Even wearing the obnoxious hard hat, complete with tufts of green hair poking out, he looked ridiculously cute.

  Riley shoved that thought right out of his mind. He didn’t have the parts Kollin wanted in a partner, and their friendship was too important to risk fucking up because of some lingering schoolyard crush.

  “What’re you doing here? And how’d you con your way into a hard hat?”

  Kollin jerked his head toward where Elijah and Greg stood talking. “Eli wanted to stop by and intimidate your boss, and I asked if I could tag along. Greg gave me this,” he said, knocking on his hat. “Do I look official?”

  Riley looked at Kollin’s oversized tank top, skinny jeans, sockless feet, and slip-on shoes. “Sure, buddy. Just like a regular,” he said, his tone dripping with sarcasm. “What’s Elijah want to scare Greg for?”

  Kollin rolled his eyes. “He’d micromanage the entire world, if he could. Don’t tell anyone he’s just a big teddy bear at heart.”

  “I definitely won’t, since I’m not so sure that’s actually the case.”

  “What’re you talking about? You had him wrapped around your finger back in the day. He was terrified to show up on a Thursday without a sundae for you.”

  Riley shook his head. “First off, that was a long time ago. And while Elijah may care a great deal for the youth at the center, I’m no longer one of them. And I’m quite certain Elijah is a teddy bear in three instances and three instances only—where you’re concerned, where Adam is concerned, and where Lizzie is concerned. With everyone else, he’s more like a grizzly bear.”

  Kollin pshawed Riley with his hand. “Whatever. I wanted to stop by too, so I could find out what you’re up to tonight. Are you free?”

  “So far I’ve been working until I can’t hold my eyes open anymore and then passing out as soon as I get back to the hotel.”

  Kollin leaned against the makeshift table where Riley had just been studying his diagrams. “How about you meet me for dinner, instead? You’ve been here three whole days, and I haven’t seen you at all.”

  Riley scrubbed his face with the heel of his hand. “Yeah. Sorry about that. I’ve been busy as hell trying to prove Greg made the right decision promoting me. Besides, since I’m living in your basement on the weekends, I figured you guys would want a break during the week.”

  “No way. I’m stoked. And Lizzie is a little too excited.” Kollin leaned in and covered half his mouth with the back of his hand to mock whisper. “I think she has a crush on you.”

  “Dude,” Riley hissed. “She’s twelve.”

  Kollin shrugged. “She’s also boy crazy. You be sure to let her down easy, or I’ll hunt you down myself.”

  “Please.” Riley huffed. “You think you can take me?”

  His words were flippant, but Kollin raked his eyes up and down Riley’s body, presumably taking in his size. Riley was proud that he’d bulked up and defined his muscles. His physical job sure didn’t hurt in that area, but after his addiction problem, Riley had started lifting weights, as well. The exercise released pent-up anxiety and helped him avoid the things he needed to stay away from. Under Kollin’s careful scrutiny, Riley felt the familiar urge to shrink into himself. He prayed Kollin couldn’t see any of the many imperfections still marring his physique.

  Kollin gazed at Riley again. Riley couldn’t quite read the expression on his face, but then Kollin smiled softly. “Guess not anymore.”

  Riley ignored the churn in his stomach and moved on. “Anyway I could probably get outta here by seven. That okay?”

  “Sure. I’ll text you later to see what you feel like eating.” Kollin pushed himself off the table and offered his hand to Riley.

  The blood drained out of Riley’s face, and he glanced around the open space to see who was watching. They normally parted ways with a quick, very platonic hug, but Greg’s words had been rolling around in his head all week. Would hugging Kollin, an obviously gay male, indict Riley?

  Seeming to realize that Riley wasn’t going to reciprocate his gesture, Kollin slowly lowered his hand. “We not allowed to be friends at your work or something?”

  Riley hated how small and hurt Kollin’s voice sounded. He knew how often people shied away from Kollin, simply because he was overtly flamboyant. No one wanted to be guilty of gay-by-association. Riley never understood how people could be such assholes, but now he was the one causing that look on his best friend’s face.

  “It’s not like that. I just—”

  �
��It’s okay.” Kollin looked around at the other men on site. “I get it. I better get going and let you get back at it, though.”

  “Kollin….” But Riley didn’t know what to say next, so he just sighed.

  Kollin shoved his hands deep in his pockets and backed away. “See you tonight, Ri.”

  “Fuck,” Riley muttered. For the five seconds before he ruined everything, Riley had really been looking forward to dinner with Kollin. But now he’d spend the entire dinner feeling guilt-ridden and uncomfortable because of his own stupid insecurities.

  “Yo, Riley,” one of his guys shouted. “Need you a minute.”

  Riley took a deep breath, grabbed his plans, and buried his shame for later. He had a job to do, and he couldn’t afford to fuck it up.

  Chapter 5

  KOLLIN PULLED into the gravel parking lot of The Homeplace several minutes before seven. The building was an old farmhouse the family had converted into a restaurant. It was only open a few nights a week, and it served homemade Southern food. It stayed packed with a clientele ranging from older folks who wanted to eat the food they were raised on, to college students who wanted something that reminded them of home, to everyone in between.

  He gave his name to the hostess and took a seat in the waiting area, which looked like the inside of a seventeenth-century one-room church, complete with pews. No longer as excited about his dinner with Riley, Kollin propped his elbows on his knees and rested his head in his hands. The likelihood of anyone on-site taking notice of their awkward good-bye was slim to none, but Kollin still felt humiliated. Logically he knew Riley had every right to shy away from any form of physical contact at work. Eli rarely showed any affection to Adam while at Langley Lumber. But he and Riley weren’t together, and his rejection felt like a slap in the face.

  The couple who walked in ahead of Kollin approached the hostess. Kollin checked his phone and found no messages, but it was only a couple of minutes after seven. He shoved his phone back in his pocket and bounced his heel while he waited. At ten minutes after seven, Kollin wondered if Riley had decided to bail on their plans. Surely Riley would at least send a text if he couldn’t make it. Besides, if anyone had the right to not show up, it was Kollin, not Riley.

  Moments later Riley’s frazzled face appeared in the doorway, but relief relaxed his features when he laid eyes on Kollin. As if waiting for Riley to appear, the hostess arrived to lead them to their seats and saved them from what was sure to be an awkward greeting.

  Their waitress appeared immediately and flashed Riley a big smile. “You boys want a pitcher of tea or lemonade?”

  “Can we have both, please?” Kollin asked, knowing Riley liked Arnold Palmers as much as he did.

  “Sure can.” She looked over Riley again, and her eyes lingered on his face. “We have fried chicken, country ham, and roast beef tonight. What can I get you two?”

  Kollin looked at Riley, who shrugged. “I want ham and roast beef. You wanna splurge and get all three, Ri?”

  Their waitress laid her hand on Riley’s forearm. “You won’t regret it, sugar. It’s the best fried chicken in town.”

  “Might as well.” Riley offered her a small smile but quickly returned his gaze to the table where he diligently worked to shred the corner of his napkin.

  “I’ll bring it right out with your drinks.” With a final persisting look at Riley, she sauntered off. Despite his mixed feelings toward Riley at the moment, Kollin grinned. Riley seemed completely unaware that their waitress was into him.

  “Look, Kollin. About earlier—”

  “We should probably wait to get into that,” Kollin interrupted. “You know she’ll be back in two seconds.”

  The Homeplace didn’t cook any of their food made-to-order. Instead every table was served family-style and received the same sides, allowing the customer to choose only which meat came with the meal. The result was delicious, home-cooked food, on the table within minutes of the patrons being seated.

  Sure enough their small table soon nearly overflowed with food. The smell made Kollin’s stomach growl, and he immediately grabbed the pitchers and filled his and Riley’s glasses with a mixture of sweet tea and lemonade.

  The waitress stood next to Riley, her hand on the back of his chair. “My kind of table. I love a good Arnold Palmer.”

  Kollin flashed her a quick smile and returned to his task, while Riley continued in his oblivion.

  “Well, if you need me, just give me a wave.”

  “Thank you,” Riley replied politely, and she finally left.

  Riley spooned some green beans onto his plate, offered the bowl to Kollin when he was finished, and moved on to the apples. Once their plates were full, Kollin nudged Riley’s foot. “I don’t think the waitress could’ve been any more obvious, and you still didn’t notice she was checking you out.”

  Riley’s eyes widened. “What?”

  “Our waitress. She was trying like hell to get your attention. Touching your arm, standing at your chair, calling you sugar.”

  Riley shook his head. “That’s a Southern country girl right there. They all do that.”

  Kollin shrugged. “If you say so, but I think she’s interested. She sure didn’t look at me like that. Might want to let her down easy.”

  Riley cocked his head, and his features turned hard. “That I’m not a guy?”

  “What?” Kollin said, jerking his head back. “No. That you’re gay.”

  Riley’s body slumped. “Oh.”

  The anger that seeped out of Riley’s eyes flooded straight into Kollin. “You really believe that’s how I think?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe you meant it as a joke.”

  Kollin set down his fork. How the hell did they get to this point? Didn’t Riley know him better than that? “I’d never joke about that. And I don’t know what I’ve done to make you think I would.”

  “Come on, Koll.” Riley sighed and ran his tongue over his lip ring. “You haven’t done anything. I’m a fucking mess. Okay? That’s why I shoved you out of my life. You deserve better than a friend like me. You deserve someone who can fucking hug you good-bye in front of people.”

  “No. You come on.” Kollin took a deep breath. Between getting blown off and then being accused of being a thoughtless dickwad, Kollin was starting to think he’d be completely justified in dumping a pitcher of tea on Riley’s head and walking out on him. But blowing up at Riley would solve nothing and only make everything worse. Adam had already told him Riley was in a fragile state, and Kollin promised himself he’d do everything he could to help. If that meant sucking up his hurt feelings sometimes, then that’s what he’d have to do. Riley was worth it.

  He leaned forward and kept his voice low so the tables on either side of them couldn’t overhear. “I love you, Ri, and I want to support you however I can. But I guess we both agree I can’t do that at my own expense. If you don’t want the people you work with to know we’re friends, then I need to know that ahead of time. I can’t stop being me. I won’t. I understand if you need to keep quiet about who you are, but you need to let me in on who you’re supposed to be, when and where. If that’s a straight man on the job, I’m not going to look down on you for doing whatever it takes to get through the day.”

  Riley shifted in his seat. “You make it sound so cowardly.”

  Kollin raised his hands in supplication. “I think I was trying to do the opposite, actually.”

  Riley stabbed a piece of roast beef with his fork and swirled it around in his mashed potatoes. “I’ve just never had a reason to share anything personal about myself with my coworkers. Coming out as gay is terrifying. Coming out as trans is a mixture of terrifying and humiliating. The thought of coming out as both is nearly debilitating.”

  Tears welled behind Kollin’s eyes. Riley’s words cut him to his core, and he wished he could make his friend’s road easier. But Kollin couldn’t force Riley to come out, and he definitely couldn’t force the men and women Riley worked with to ac
cept him. He sighed. “Well, now that I know where you stand with them, I’ll stay away from the site unless Adam or Eli needs me there.”

  Riley closed his eyes for several moments, and then his gaze met Kollin’s. “You know you’re my best friend. Right? Even still. I’m sorry I acted like an asshole earlier. I just want to do really well on this job, and I need my team to respect me.”

  Kollin squinted his eyes at Riley but allowed a small smile to play on his lips to indicate he was teasing. Mostly. “You know that makes you sound like a bigger asshole. Right? I’m not respectable?”

  Riley huffed.

  Kollin shook his head. “Dude. We’re good. Okay? Just stop pouting or your face will freeze like that, and you won’t be able to snag any boys at the club Saturday.”

  Riley’s fork clattered against his plate, and he hastily picked it up again. “Do what, now?”

  Kollin sat back and grinned. “I thought we could go to Raleigh this weekend. Go out dancing.”

  “Uhh….”

  “Come on, Ri. Remember back in the day? We used to talk about when we’d be old enough to go out together. Well… now we can.”

  Riley shook his head. “I dunno. I’m not a very good dancer, and it’s not like I can hook up with anyone.”

  “Why the hell not? You’ve done it before. And you clearly have the looks to grab people’s attention.” Kollin gestured toward their waitress, who just happened to be looking in their direction.

  Riley scrunched up his face and tossed a few pinto beans into a hole he’d carved in his mashed potatoes. “It’s just different. You said yourself you were interested in me until you found out who I was. Nobody wants someone like me for more than a night, and honestly, I’m over the one-night stands.”