by Shell Taylor
Properly admonished, Kollin took a step forward. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make a joke out of it, but I’m serious too. I’d never intentionally hurt you, and all I’m asking for is a chance to see what happens. We don’t have to do anything physical, and if it’s clear we can’t see each other that way, then we go back to being friends. Imagine how perfect it would be if it worked out. We already know everything about each other, so we get to skip that terrifying get-to-know-you mess.”
Riley looked down at the floor and put his hands on his hips. Kollin held his breath, stayed in place, and patiently waited for an answer while he tried his best not to flip the fuck out. Finally Riley met his eyes. “Kollin….”
“Ri…. Come on. It’s me. We’re good together. You know this. Just one date?”
God. He sounded so pathetic. Was he really begging his best friend to go out with him? Did he not know how to take a hint? Or in their case, a very clear ‘no’?
“I’m sorry.” Kollin started to backpedal. “I shouldn’t have—”
“Yes.”
Riley’s voice was so small that Kollin nearly missed it. “Come again?” He grinned.
Riley met his eyes. “Yes.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but yes.”
“Yes,” Kollin exclaimed. “But wait…. Are you sure? I feel like I pressured you into saying yes. Don’t do it because you feel bad for me or some shit. Or maybe I should just shut up and take advantage of your pity.”
Riley laughed. “I didn’t know you were so bad at this. I got the impression you had some experience asking people out.”
Kollin did his best to look affronted, but then he sobered. “None of them were as important as you. So, seriously… are you sure? Because I want you to be sure.”
Riley shook his head. “No. I’m not sure, but yes, I still want to go.”
Kollin danced a little two-step jig and Riley laughed again.
“But can you please not tell Adam or Elijah yet?” Riley asked. “That’s just too much parental pressure right now.”
The flash of relief and joy faded as quickly as it appeared. “Umm… about that.”
“You’ve already talked to them about this?” Riley looked appalled, and his voice rose in his panic. “What is with you guys? Can’t you be like a normal family and keep secrets from one another?”
“I didn’t tell them I was going to ask you.” Kollin fell back on the bed again. He liked being able to talk to his dads about everything, even if it was only because he considered them friends before they adopted him. “But I may’ve had a chat with Adam about some stuff to do with you before I decided it would be the most amazing plan ever. You know he won’t tell anyone, though.”
“Oh no,” Riley nearly shouted. “Only Elijah, who already hates me right now for abandoning his favorite son.”
“Well, now, that’s not really fair. I’m his only son. Besides, he doesn’t hate you. He’s just a little protective.”
Riley scoffed. “I don’t think little means what you think it does.”
“Oh, loosen up. It’ll all be fine.” Kollin grinned. “Look how well this is turning out. We haven’t even been on our first date, and we’re already fighting like an old married couple. This’ll be epic.”
“More like a disaster.” Riley closed his eyes and took a deep breath and then looked directly at Kollin. “I mean it, Koll. I can’t lose you as a friend. I need you.”
The weight of everything Riley said settled in Kollin’s chest. He didn’t have the right words to convince Riley that he’d never let that happen, so he stood up and crossed the room. Slowly Kollin wrapped his arms around Riley’s shoulders and pulled him into a hug. He didn’t make it sexual, but he pressed their bodies together and held on, hoping Riley understood. It took a while, but eventually Riley slipped his arms under Kollin’s and wrapped them over his shoulders.
They stood like that for a while, and the enormity of Kollin’s actions settled in. Riley was right, what they were about to do was risky. Riley had never once expressed an interest in dating Kollin, and Kollin wasn’t even sure he’d be able to have a satisfying physical relationship with Ri.
But what if…. Kollin couldn’t live with not finding out.
Chapter 7
RILEY PEEKED at the clock from beneath his pillow. The outfit he planned to wear later lay draped over the arm of the couch, and he’d already showered and trimmed his scruff. He didn’t need to start getting ready for another thirty minutes, so he burrowed back under the pillow and returned to not freaking the hell out.
Too bad he was nothing but a miserable failure in that effort.
After Kollin convinced him that going on a date would be a good idea, they’d spent the remainder of the evening lounging in front of the TV and somehow managed to avoid awkward conversations.
Riley fell asleep feeling optimistic, as if it made sense for their friendship to oh-so easily transform into the very thing he always wanted. Riley could no longer deny what part of him had always known. Lingering schoolyard crush be damned—Riley wanted Kollin more than ever. And he wanted him because of who Kollin had become, not because he was holding on to some idealistic version of his best friend.
Reality set in when he woke that morning, though. It would be his one and only chance with Kollin, and Riley couldn’t fuck it up. Nothing would be the same after their date—either because they took tentative steps toward a new kind of relationship together, or because the evening ended in disaster and their friendship became too awkward to continue. Riley didn’t know, but he felt 87 percent certain the anticipation of not knowing would kill him before he had to walk upstairs to meet Kollin.
Riley briefly considered squeezing in another workout to calm his nerves. Elijah’s home equipment was better than any real gym he’d been to, but that meant taking another shower. That meant soaping up his body, soaping up his nonmale body parts, and that didn’t sound like the smartest plan, given the gargantuan boulder of anxiety already sitting on his chest.
He settled, again, for ruminating on every possible scenario that could happen on their date, and he only momentarily allowed himself to dwell on the possibility of the evening actually going well and turning into a long, successful, happy relationship. Too apprehensive to consider that possibility for more than a few seconds, he moved on to one of the more likely scenarios—that the entire thing would end with Kollin running away and screaming in terror while Riley curled into a ball and slowly cried himself into dehydration and eventual death.
God. He was such a moron.
When he could no longer stand his thoughts, Riley dressed slowly and spent ten minutes to do what normally took five. He took a deep breath as he stared at himself and did his best to focus on Dr. Maggie’s voice. Don’t look at the bits of baby fat still hugging your waist. Don’t pay attention to the imaginary burn from your scars. Don’t focus on the empty feeling between your legs.
Riley studied his square jaw, covered in bristly hairs, and then gently ran his hand up his shirt to scratch the hair on his chest. He studied his shoulders and arms, and though they weren’t as muscular as he preferred, they looked masculine.
He closed his eyes and pictured Kollin that day back in the bookstore. Riley remembered the brief flicker of interest he’d seen in Kollin’s eyes. He was distracted but amused at Riley’s attention. Riley’s feelings for Kollin crashed right back at that moment, as if he’d never even gone a day without seeing Kollin. He’d been an idiot to try to deny it. Just being around Kollin made him feel like a different person, like a whole person.
“Holy shit,” Riley whispered. “Don’t fuck this up, Ri.”
He forced himself away from the mirror and somehow made it up the stairs. He followed the voices that filtered out of the kitchen and found Kollin and Adam snacking on carrot sticks.
Oh holy God. Kollin looked downright sexy in his black skinny jeans and oversized, dark gray, sleeveless tee. They couldn’t possibly look any d
ifferent from one another, since Riley had chosen a more conservative outfit in an attempt to tone down his normally abrasive appearance. He’d even added a loose tie over his snugly fit button-up shirt. A slow smile formed on Kollin’s lips as his eyes swept up and down Riley, and Riley knew he’d done at least one thing right. He grinned back at Kollin.
“You look nice, Ri. Almost dapper, if I may say,” Adam said and chomped off a bite of carrot. “Where you guys going tonight?”
Kollin dusted off his hands and pushed away from the counter. “Figured we’d see what’s going on at Legends and then go from there.”
“Well, have fun,” Adam said. “And you know the rules. If you need a ride home, call Elijah.”
“Har, har. We’ll be sure not to disturb you from your wild and exciting night of dozing in front of the TV,” Kollin quipped.
When Kollin moved next to him and smiled, Riley became acutely aware that he hadn’t said anything since he entered the kitchen. “Thanks, Adam,” Riley said, feeling dumb for taking so long to acknowledge the compliment. At least his voice didn’t squeak when he spoke.
Riley looked at Kollin, who was still grinning at him with twinkling eyes. He wanted to tell Kollin how good he looked. He wanted to take his hand, lead him to the door, and open it for him. He wanted to promise Adam that he’d get Kollin home safely. Instead he allowed his nerves to win out and waited silently while Kollin told Adam bye.
When Kollin jerked his head toward the foyer, Riley offered Adam a small wave and followed Kollin out. They walked in silence to the car, and Kollin rushed forward to open Riley’s car door as well. Feeling like an idiot, Riley cleared his throat. “Actually, I meant to ask if you wanted me to drive. I don’t have a car, so I’d have to drive yours, but… I dunno. If we’re doing this thing, I’d like to try to be a gentleman.”
Kollin nudged his arm. “Maybe I was trying to be a gentleman. I did ask you out, you know? This is supposed to be my treat.”
Riley felt his face flush. “Oh, yeah. I didn’t think of that.”
“Hey.” Kollin grazed the back of Riley’s elbow. “I’m teasing, okay? I’m a little nervous. I don’t want to say the wrong thing.”
Riley eyed Kollin.
He was nervous?
Kollin was nervous?
“This is a mistake,” Riley blurted out and turned back toward the house. The entire evening would be a cataclysm of epic proportions if at least one of them didn’t have their shit together. And Riley couldn’t handle that loss.
Kollin grabbed Riley’s arm. His eyes were wide and confused, and Riley thought he recognized a hint of hurt in there too. “Because I don’t want to offend you?” he asked, his tone incredulous.
“Yes,” Riley nearly shouted. “You’ve never worried about that shit before. I told you I can’t lose our friendship. We haven’t even gotten in the car, and it’s already weird.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. This problem is not unique to trans couples.” Kollin pulled Riley back toward the car. “Get in the damn car. I asked you out, so I’ll drive. If we decide there’s a next time, you can drive. If we get there, and ten minutes in, we realize it’s a mistake, we can call the date off and just hang out as friends. But I’m not letting you bail on me before we even leave the driveway because we can’t decide who drives.”
The door to Kollin’s car stood open, so Riley sat obediently. He crossed his arms over his chest and waited until Kollin pulled into the road. “You don’t have to be so bossy about it.”
“Yes I do,” Kollin snapped. “Or you’d already be back in the basement, hiding under the damn covers.”
Riley rolled his eyes. He hated that Kollin was right. With a heavy and intentional sigh, Riley said, “And?”
Kollin laughed. “Aaaand… we’re going to have fun tonight. So stop being a dick.”
Riley cut his eyes at Kollin. “Remember when you were worried about saying the wrong thing?”
“Fine, then. Stop being an asshole.” Kollin sounded frustrated. “We both have one of those. Right?”
Riley groaned. Why the hell was he trying to start a fight with Kollin? It was too late to apologize without making the entire situation even more uncomfortable. Riley settled for a lame half-truth, half joke. “If it’s any comfort, this is still the best date I’ve ever been on.”
Kollin shook his head. “Something tells me you’re actually serious. I don’t know whether I should feel sorry for you or be glad it’s me.”
Riley clamped his mouth shut. He didn’t want to be a pity case. Kollin genuinely seemed excited for their night out, or at least he had earlier, but Riley didn’t expect the feeling to last. Kollin had no idea how huge their date was to him, and so far, all Riley had done was treat Kollin like shit while Kollin patiently endured his mood swings.
He struggled to find something truthful to say that wouldn’t make him sound pathetic, and eventually he offered a quiet, “I’m glad it’s you.”
Kollin made no indication that he’d heard Riley other than a small shake of his head as he stared at the road before him. Vowing not to let his anxieties fuck everything up, Riley settled back in his seat and watched the city fly by from the passenger window.
KOLLIN COULDN’T look at Riley, or the expression on his face would surely start another argument. Riley’s past remained an enormous question mark that hung between them, silently burning away his patience every time Riley let slip one of his many insecurities. He tried not to be annoyed by Riley’s insistence on his privacy, but then shit happened.
If Kollin knew what demons Riley fought, maybe Kollin could manage not to fuck things up by saying dumb shit. Instead he had to guess what was okay to say, what he could joke about, and what was completely off limits. Then he had to hope and pray he’d correctly read the expression on Ri’s face or the tone of his voice. The constant battle exhausted him, and Kollin didn’t know how much longer he’d be able to keep his frustration in.
Just as quickly as the anger swept through him, guilt for not being a better friend shoved in and battled for dominance. Riley needed Kollin to be the one in control, to be strong. He needed patience and understanding from Kollin, not anger and snarky comments. If he couldn’t rein in his emotions, he’d only end up pushing Riley further away.
Kollin turned up the radio and used the distraction as an excuse not to talk. He hoped he’d be able to stamp out his anger by the time they reached the club.
When they arrived at Legends, Kollin parked across the street and waited for Riley to meet him in front of the car, rather than rushing to open his door. Determined to have a good time, Kollin shook off the last dregs of frustration and grabbed Riley’s hand as they awkwardly shuffled toward the door. “I didn’t tell you back at the house how good you look tonight.”
Riley smiled and shook his head. “I can’t believe we’re doing this. Doesn’t it feel weird to you?”
Kollin shrugged. “A little, maybe. Doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing, though.”
Riley got to the door first, pulled it open, and gestured with their joined hands for Kollin to enter. The bar wasn’t too crowded, so they decided to have a few drinks. Riley ordered a gin and tonic and thankfully managed to keep the surprise off his face when Kollin whipped out a fake ID and ordered a raspberry sweet-tea vodka. Riley shoved some cash at the bartender before Kollin could, and they left the bar to find a table.
“I’ve never been to a club like this before while actually on a date,” Riley said as he took a sip of his drink. “I’ve always thought of clubs as places to hook up.”
“That’s tragic. You know how much I love to dance.” Kollin swirled his drink around with the little red straw the bartender had plunked in it. “It’s fun with friends sometimes, and dancing with strangers is always a bit exciting. But coming here with a date, with someone I care about, and getting out on the floor… it’s almost like foreplay.”
“Oh?” Riley’s voice squeaked. He took another sip of his drink and studied the room, avoi
ding Kollin’s gaze.
Kollin waited until Riley looked back at him. He didn’t want to freak Riley out, but he wanted to make sure Riley knew he was interested. Maybe a little innuendo would help loosen him up. “Best way to be intimate with someone without taking your clothes off.”
Riley choked on his drink and ended up spitting a little bit of it back into his glass.
Or… maybe it would terrify him. Kollin grabbed Riley’s hand. “I know you think I’ve gone into this willy-nilly or out of pity or some shit like that.”
Riley nodded.
“I promise it’s not that.” Kollin pulled his hand away. “Once the idea of asking you out popped into my head, I couldn’t get it out. I don’t know what changed exactly, but it felt like before, something was blocking the possibility of us dating from entering my head. We’ve been friends for so long, it just never occurred to me. But once the barrier was gone, I saw how perfect we could be. So tonight is me being 100 percent selfish.”
Riley traced a scratch on the tabletop as he contemplated his response. “I don’t understand why you think anything romantic between us would be perfect when we’ve never been anything more than friends.”
“Are you kidding me?” Kollin glanced around the room, which had filled up while they talked. “We already know we’re meant to be a huge part of each other’s lives. I knew from the moment we met that you’re my soul mate. Maybe at first I thought we would only ever be friends, but I can’t explain why I definitely wanted you to ask me out in that bookstore or the butterflies I got in my stomach when I saw you walk into the center again for the first time after all those years. Besides, one look around the room and I can see two guys checking you out. You’re incredibly cute and sexy. Why wouldn’t I want to try for more?”
Riley remained silent as he stared into his drink.
Feeling as if he’d made Riley uncomfortable, Kollin spoke again. “I mean, I guess I’m getting way ahead of myself here. I kind of bullied you into this date because I wanted to see what could happen between us. I wanted to at least try, but if you already know there’s no way you could be into me….” Kollin trailed off. Every time that thought crossed his mind over the past few days, he’d flat-out ignored it. The entire point of their date was to see what could exist between them, and he hoped Riley would be open to the possibility. But Riley’s face looked as if he’d rather be anywhere else than with Kollin.