Reclaiming Hope

by Shell Taylor

  “I can’t believe she almost walked in on us the other week,” Riley said. “I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.”

  “She’s never met any of my other boyfriends.” Kollin played with a patch of exposed skin on Riley’s stomach. “She just doesn’t know how to act. But then she’s boy crazy herself, so…. I heard Adam tell Eli they should let her invite some boy she likes over to the house. Eli is totally against her even thinking about a boy, but Adam doesn’t want her to sneak around.”

  “Oh geez.” Riley rolled his eyes. “I can imagine how well Elijah took that.”

  Kollin huffed. “Yeah. He wasn’t exactly on board with that plan. But it’s in his head now. So whenever she finally asks to go out with someone, more than likely Eli will be the one to suggest he come to the house.”

  Riley laughed. “Oh my gosh. Adam’s some kind of evil genius.”

  Kollin agreed. “He knows how to work Eli. I’ve never seen him take advantage before, though.”

  “Elijah is so… unique.”

  “What do you mean?” Kollin asked as he laughed.

  “I’ve just never met anyone like him. There’s that old adage about hurting the ones you love most. But Elijah’s completely the opposite. His entire being shifts when he’s home with you guys. He’s definitely more relaxed and friendly at the center than anywhere else I’ve seen him, which, granted, isn’t much, but at home…? I dunno. It’s pretty cool. Instead of expending his energy to be nice to the people who don’t really matter, he saves the best bits of himself for you guys.”

  Kollin lifted his head to look at Riley with a wide smile on his face. Then he lightly kissed the bottom of Riley’s chin. “I love that you see that. It’s a really beautiful sentiment.”

  “Not that Adam isn’t amazing too.”

  Kollin snorted. “Obviously. Adam’s a fucking saint. I don’t know how he puts up with the shit he does every day and still comes home with a smile on his face almost every night.”

  “Oh, hey. Whatever happened with his birth mom?” Riley asked. He felt a twinge of guilt for not asking sooner.

  “He hasn’t heard from her since. Good riddance.” Kollin’s tone was bitter, and Riley couldn’t blame him. Kollin had been devastated when Adam took off when his birth mother deceived him in a lame effort to get her hands on some money.

  Riley had stopped answering Kollin’s calls around the same time, but he’d read some of the e-mails. The twinge of guilt magnified, and Riley shoved it away. They’d agreed to put all of that behind them.

  Kollin continued. “It took Adam a while to really get over everything that happened. I’ll cheerfully tie her to a tree and then start a fire around it if I ever see her face again.”

  Riley blinked. “That was oddly specific. Remind me to never piss you off.”

  “You’ll do well to remember that,” Kollin teased.

  “I know we’re over this, but I’m sorry I wasn’t around longer for you, back then. I was such a mess that it seemed like the best thing for everyone, at the time.”

  “I want to say you did the right thing, but you fucking didn’t.” Kollin poked him in the stomach. “You should’ve told me what was going on. I would’ve still been there for you too.”

  “I didn’t want to drag you back down, though. Besides, if I’d done that, we might not have ended up right here.” Riley squeezed Kollin. “And I kind of like right here.”

  Kollin ghosted his hand along the bottom of Riley’s shirt and touched his skin from one hip to the other. “Speaking of… we have one last thing to talk about.”

  Riley’s heart fluttered. “Mmm… and what’s that?”

  “When do I get to see you with your shirt off? And when do we get to do all this exploring you were talking about yesterday?” He slipped his hand under Riley’s shirt to graze his palm over Riley’s toned stomach. Riley shivered. “I’m seriously tired of jacking off in the shower every morning.”

  Riley looked around, but they were deep enough in the woods that no one had even come near them while they lay there chatting. Quickly, before he could talk himself out of it, Riley shimmied out from beneath Kollin, sat up, and quickly grabbed the back of his shirt to pull it over his head. He ignored the urge to ball the shirt up in front of his chest and threw it to the side instead. Kollin, in all of his Kollin-ness, eyed Riley’s chest with a small grin.

  “I didn’t exactly mean you had to strip here in the middle of the woods.” He sat up and placed his hand on Riley’s stomach. Riley fought not to tense his abs to make them look more six-pack-ish and less feminine. “I had no idea you were hiding anything this good under there. I’m embarrassed to take my shirt off now.”

  Riley laughed. Thank fuck Kollin always knew how to put him at ease. “You’re crazy. You don’t have an ounce of fat on you.”

  “Dude—” Kollin trailed his fingers up and down Riley’s stomach. “There’s none on you either. All I feel is muscle.”

  Riley looked away. “I’m working on it. My hips are still kind of round and doughy. I want a V.”

  “Holy geez. Now I’m seriously never getting naked in front of you. I’m a fucking twig compared to you.” Before Riley could respond, Kollin trailed his hand up to Riley’s chest and lightly fingered each of his scars. “You can hardly see these. And you got a tattoo. You never told me.”

  Riley shrugged. The scars were always the first thing he saw when he looked in the mirror. When he compared what they currently looked like to a picture taken just a few weeks after his surgery, Riley could see the improvement. They’d gotten smaller and healed over well. They weren’t bright pink, but instead an unobtrusive dark reddish brown. But without the side-by-side comparison, he usually only noticed a screaming, jagged reminder of everything his body wasn’t. The tattoo had been a desperate attempt to draw his—and everyone else’s—attention away from the scars.

  “Seemed like the thing to do at the time,” Riley said as Kollin traced the edge of a tiger’s paw. “Hurt like a bitch.”

  “It’s pretty, but I think I like these better.” Kollin trailed his finger back down to the scars. “They’re proof of how tough you are.”

  Riley laughed and shook his head. “Almost every trans guy out there has scars like these. Doesn’t make me tough. Just means I’m going through the motions.”

  Kollin growled. Then, shocking the hell out of him, Kollin swung one leg over Riley to straddle his lap. He forced Riley to look into his face. “I don’t want to hear you say anything like that again. You hear me? Stop thinking like that right now.”

  “Koll—”

  “I mean it, Ri. You must know the statistics. Probably better than I do. Not everyone makes it this far. And I’d bet a lot of the ones who do don’t do it alone like you did.” He slid both hands down Riley’s chest and ran his thumbs over each scar. “This is strength to me. And determination. And pure fucking willpower to be who you are. To be your true self. Other people may look at the muscles in your arms or your defined chest or even your washboard abs and see those things. But this is where I see all of your best qualities.” Kollin leaned in and kissed Riley. Kollin groaned, and Riley sensed he was holding back even as his teeth tugged on Riley’s lip ring. Finally Kollin pulled back and rested his forehead against Riley’s.

  Emotions Riley couldn’t identify consumed him, and he fought back tears as he wrapped his arms around Kollin’s waist and tugged him closer. No one had ever seen him the way Kollin did.

  “And you wonder why I had a thing for you back then,” Riley said, his voice thick.

  Kollin laughed. “I didn’t spout poetic shit like that back then.”

  “Poetic shit, huh? You had to go and ruin it.” Riley pulled away to look at Kollin again. “You’ve always made me see things differently. It’s good for me.”

  Kollin kissed the tip of Riley’s nose. “I’m glad if it means you’re seeing yourself more clearly. Because the way you normally view yourself is flawed.”

  Riley rolled his eyes
but didn’t protest. “About the other thing you mentioned…. I don’t know if it’s better to let things happen naturally or to plan something. I’m scared if we try to just go with the flow, I’m going to freak out, and that won’t be fair to you. But if we plan a night ahead of time with the intention of you seeing me completely naked, I’m going to be a nervous wreck.”

  Kollin nodded. He had a slight frown on his face.

  “I’m sorry,” Riley said. “I know dating me already comes with sacrifices on your part. I’m sorry I’m making this so awkward.”

  Kollin groaned and climbed off Riley’s lap. “Will you stop? Dating you does not come with sacrifices. And I’m happy to do whatever I can to make this easier on you. We just need to think about it first. What’re you most worried about?”

  That’s easy. “That you’ll be grossed out by my vagina.”

  “Okay.” Kollin peered at Riley from the side of his eye. “You’ve been really honest with me, and I want to do the same for you, but I don’t want you to freak out. Can you do that?”

  “Oh God. Just tell me now and get it over with.”

  “That’s my biggest worry too. But—” Riley fell back on the ground and covered his face, and Kollin shot out a hand to grab his arm. “I really don’t think it’ll be an issue. I care about you a lot. More than that—I think you’re really sexy. And not in the ways that matter, like the fact that you’re really smart and compassionate and hard-working, but in a totally shallow way. Like your ass looks amazing in that pair of jeans with a hole in the left knee, and when you wear your Superman T-shirt, the one that stretches across your chest, not gonna lie, dude. I get a little chub.”

  Riley barked out a laugh. “Shut up.”

  “I’m serious.” Kollin laughed too. “I had one a minute ago until you said some bullshit about me sacrificing things. I wanna take you back to Legends and parade you around with your shirt off, but you think I’m missing out or some shit.”

  Riley didn’t know what to say. Kollin spoke lightly, even though he probably meant every word, but to him… to have someone want to show him off…. Riley never thought he’d have that. So he just nodded and choked back the tears he really didn’t want to shed right then.

  Kollin grabbed his hand again. “Why don’t you let me plan something and let it be a surprise for you? That way you get some security in knowing I’m prepared without having to worry.”

  Riley nodded. “I can do that. Just… don’t wait too long. I’ll go insane.”

  “Ha! I don’t think you have to worry about me putting this off any longer than absolutely necessary.” Kollin stood and held out his hand. “Wanna tackle the seven-miler or eat something first?”

  Riley grabbed his shirt off the ground and then allowed Kollin to pull him up. “I’m still stuffed from breakfast. I’m not used to eating that much food on my PB&J and ramen noodle budget. Can we do the hike first?”

  Kollin winked. “As long as you leave your shirt off.”

  “Uh, no. But nice try.” Riley shook his hand free from Kollin’s and put his shirt back on.

  Kollin sighed loudly but grinned. “Worth a try. Will you at least hold my hand?”

  Riley’s cheeks flushed and then warmed even more when he realized how smitten he was acting. He threaded his fingers through Kollin’s and pulled him closer for a kiss. “That, I think I can handle.”

  Chapter 16

  “SOOOO….” KOLLIN sat back in Adam’s chair. “Do you want me to warn you ahead of time that we’re about to have an awkward conversation, or do you just want to be surprised?”

  “Uh, I think you just warned me.” Adam’s fingers flew over his keyboard for a few more moments, and then he turned to give Kollin his full attention. “Let’s go.”

  “I’m coming to you because you already know a lot of the stuff Riley went through before.”

  Kollin waited for Adam to nod. “I’m glad you two worked everything out. He needs someone else he can trust. Someone who isn’t a paid professional.”

  Kollin shifted in his seat. “Right. Well, it’s put us in a strange place, where we want to move forward but don’t really know how.”

  Adam stared at him and waited, but Kollin didn’t know what to say next, so he stayed quiet and hoped Adam would catch on.

  “I’m gonna need a little more to go on than that, buddy.”

  Kollin eyed Adam for a minute and then spit the words out as fast as he could. “He wants to have sex to see if he wants to keep his vagina, and I’m fucking freaked out that I’m going to be shitty at it, and then he’ll end up making the wrong decision when he gets his surgery, and then we’ll break up, and he’ll hate me for the rest of his life.”

  “Whoa.” Adam scratched the back of his neck and took a deep breath. “That was a lot of information in five seconds.”

  “Sorry,” Kollin said, feeling more and more idiotic by the minute.

  Adam closed his eyes and looked down so that he spoke to the desk. “First of all this isn’t something I ever wanted to say to you, but I think you know, at least, that you’re not really shitty at it. And not because I know anything about your sex life but because you care so much about Riley that I would anticipate you’ll be thinking of his needs first and foremost the entire time. And even if it’s kind of clumsy and awkward, that’s okay. That’s good because you two are still learning each other. And Riley’s not stupid. He knows you’ve never worked with his equipment before. He’s not going to expect you to be an expert. We both know, when it gets right down to it, he needs someone who truly respects and cares for him more than he needs someone who knows exactly what button to push.” He peeked up at Kollin. “Did you get everything I was saying, or do I need to be more explicit?”

  “Please don’t get explicit,” Kollin begged.

  “Oh, thank God.” Adam rubbed both hands over his face. “I know it should be easier to talk about sex with you, since it’s part of my job, but it’s really not.”

  Kollin smirked. “I hope it’s never easy for you to tell a kid that he’s good at sex.”

  Adam narrowed his eyes. “Funny. Next,” he said pointedly, “it’s dangerous for you to take any part of Riley’s burden onto yourself. He has to make these decisions, not you. Supporting him is one thing, but whatever decision he makes is on him, not you. Feel me?”

  Kollin huffed. He knew that. Of course he knew that. But knowing that didn’t lessen any of the monumental pressure he felt weighing him down.

  “Have you talked to him about this?” Adam asked.

  “Trust me, we’ve done plenty of talking.”

  “So what’s your real question?”

  Kollin shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I’m nervous I’m going to screw it all up.”

  “I think that’s a perfectly normal feeling. One Riley would likely understand.” Adam leaned forward and cupped his hands together in a faux megaphone. “Tell him.”

  “And what if he runs away again? What then?”

  “What if he does? Do you want to be with someone you can’t depend on?”

  “It’s different with Ri—”

  Adam cut him off. “No, it’s not. Maybe his reasons for running are more complicated than someone just being an asshole, but he’s still being an asshole if he bails on you again. You’re asking him to be open and honest with you, but you don’t trust him not to run again. You say he’s your best friend, but you come to me every time you have a problem with something he’s done.”

  Kollin stared at his hands. Adam was right. He’d told Riley he’d forgiven him for all those years of silence, but he hadn’t. Even after Adam’s little speech about how amazing Eli was, Kollin couldn’t bring himself to reach that point.

  “Look. If Riley told you everything he’s been through, you know how strong he is. And surely there’ve been times he’s led the relationship forward too. If nothing else, he fully opened up to you about his past. That’s a huge sign of faith in where you two are going.” Adam paused, but Kollin co
uld tell he wasn’t finished with his thought by the way he tugged on his hair.

  Shame washed over Kollin as he waited for Adam to continue. He’d told Riley over and over that he believed in Riley’s strength, and then he failed to show him. “I know you’ve talked this thing to death, but every relationship requires a ton of communication to be successful. Add to that Riley’s complicated past and transition and your desire not to hurt him, and that means even more talking.”

  Kollin groaned. “Ugh. You’re the worst.”

  “That’s what they say. I’m planning to make it the tag line on my new business cards. Adam Lancaster—The Absolute Worst. Here to encourage you to do all the things you don’t want to do but know you should.” Adam sat back in his seat. “You get what I’m saying, though?”

  “Yes. I think you want me to talk to him some more.”

  Adam grinned. “I don’t know what gave you that impression, but if it’s what you think is best….”

  Kollin snorted and then sobered again. “I don’t want to mess this up.”

  “I know you don’t. And I’d be willing to bet all of Elijah’s money that whoever Riley’s talking to about this stuff—if he’s talking to anyone, that is—he’s telling them the same thing.” Adam paused. “You guys will get there eventually. Life won’t always be this cumbersome.”

  “Yeah. I guess.”

  “Delightful attitude. Now is there anything else I can do for you?”

  “Fuck. I sure as hell hope not,” Kollin grumbled.

  “Hey.” Adam waited until Kollin looked up. “I’m sorry I can’t give you an easy-button solution.”

  Kollin shrugged. “Adulting is hard.”

  “Oh, kid.” Adam sighed. “You don’t even know the half of it. But it gets better. Promise.”

  AS RILEY fiddled with his hair in the mirror, he watched Greg’s reflection shove an entire Dorito in his mouth.

  “Haven’t you been dating this guy for a while now?” Greg asked, chip crumbs falling out of his mouth. “Month or two?”