Reclaiming Hope

by Shell Taylor

  “Oh, you know, golden trans boy heads off to college with his entire bright and shining future ahead of him and then drops off the face of the earth for years before suddenly turning back up to save the day and help build on a new addition to the inn.” Joe waved his hands around in the air as if that helped explain everything. Curiously enough there wasn’t a hint of derision or sarcasm in his voice. Joe just stated the facts, maybe warped a bit, but facts, nonetheless… as he knew them.

  “I guess,” Riley mumbled. “I didn’t realize anyone other than Kollin actually remembered me.”

  “Who else needs to?” Joe asked. “Everyone there loves Kollin. I’ve not had much chance to interact with him yet, but everyone I’ve talked to only has good things to say about him. It’s not like you took off and he forgot who you were. They say it was years before he stopped talking about you as if you would still drop by any day.”

  Riley’s heart ached. He felt as if one of the passing joggers had punched him in the gut. Aside from the time Kollin exploded at Riley when he found out about Tony, Kollin hadn’t mentioned how much it hurt when Riley cut off all contact. How did someone who didn’t know him or Kollin know more about how Kollin felt than Riley did?

  “Who is ‘they’?” he asked, weakly.

  Joe shrugged. “Different people around the center. You know how everyone gossips, and they’re all so protective of Kollin, seeing as how he’s Adam’s son.”

  No. Riley didn’t know. Outside of his appointments with Maggie, he’d only been to the center a few times since he’d come back into town, and then only at Kollin’s insistence.

  Joe continued as if he hadn’t just destroyed Riley’s heart. “There’s even an unofficial pool over whether or not you’ll stick around this time.”

  Riley stumbled again and stepped off the trail. “Can we sit for a few minutes?”

  Finally Joe seemed to realize Riley wasn’t taking his lackadaisical attitude toward Riley’s past very well. He grabbed Riley’s elbow and led him to the nearest bench. “Are you okay? I said something wrong, didn’t I?”

  Riley gaped at Joe. Were they not just in the same conversation?

  “I didn’t mean to upset you.” Joe sat next to Riley. “My mom always tells me I’m too blunt. I have Asperger’s, and it can make social situations difficult.”

  Riley’s head swam with everything Joe had just said. He had no idea where to start, and none of it was related to what he originally wanted to talk to Joe about. He figured it was best to start with the easiest topic. For him, at least.

  “I didn’t realize you were on the spectrum.”

  Joe shrugged. “Most people don’t. It’s not like I wear a sign.”

  Made sense. “Was it hard? Dealing with Asperger’s and being trans?” Riley rolled his eyes. “Obviously it was hard, but do you think it was harder?”

  “It’s the only thing I’ve ever known, so I don’t know if it’s more or less difficult. One of my doctors mentioned my autism might have made accepting the fact that I’m trans easier.” Joe looked at Riley. “But sometimes it just feels like one more thing to overcome.”

  Riley nodded. “I’m glad you have such awesome parents. Must’ve been a huge help.”

  “They were.”

  They stayed silent for a while, and things began to click into place for Riley. His earlier anxiety about Joe not liking him evaporated, and he mulled over his comments about Kollin. He didn’t need to wonder why Kollin never told him how hard he took Riley’s absence. Kollin never would. He’d absorb the burden into himself and deal with his negative feelings alone, at least until something triggered everything loose. Kollin’s outburst when he found out about Tony made even more sense after Joe’s accidental gossip session.

  Riley cleared his throat. “I’m glad you told me.”

  Joe nodded once. “Things aren’t always easy to hear, but sometimes it’s better to hear them anyway.”

  Riley snorted. “Yeah. That may be the understatement of the century.”

  “I’m sorry I upset you. I realize this isn’t what you want to talk about today. I wasn’t expecting to see Kollin, and it threw me off.”

  “It’s fine.” And Riley meant it. If Joe hadn’t spilled the beans, Riley might never have known. “Are people really betting on me?”

  Joe actually appeared mortified. “That was rude of me to say.”

  “Wow.” Riley sat back against the bench. “Am I at least winning?”

  Joe looked at Riley. “Depends what you call winning.”

  Riley laughed. “Touché. If you want to get in on the action, you best vote that I stick around.”

  Joe tilted his head to the side and grimaced. “Betting’s not really my thing.”

  Riley grinned. “I just meant that I plan on staying. Assuming Kollin wants me here, anyway.”

  Joe peered at Riley. “I think he does. He talks about you all the time.” Joe cracked a grin. “So they say, anyway.”

  Riley’s laughed at Joe’s joke. “We all know they know best. Right? Wanna walk again?”

  “Sure.” Joe stood and waited for Riley to join him. They spent the next hour at the park, and while they had to awkwardly stumble through a few conversations, Riley enjoyed himself. Talking to Joe was sort of like talking to Greg. Riley sometimes had to guess at the root cause of whatever was being said. Except where Greg was often incredibly vague, Joe cut to the point quickly—it just didn’t always make sense. Between his autism and his transitioning, Joe was picked on a lot by his peers, but his parents went to bat for him every time it became an issue. The end result…. Joe was confident in himself and needed almost no validation from anyone else.

  Riley wasn’t sure his meeting with Joe helped him in the way Maggie or Kollin hoped it would. He liked Joe and could see them hanging out again, but they would never be great friends. Meeting Joe had given Riley a clear picture of where he should be, mentally and emotionally, before he took the next step in his transition. He finally—truly and fully—understood why Dr. Maggie had been hesitant to recommend him for bottom surgery. Maybe Riley wasn’t quite as emotionally stable as he needed to be yet, but for the first time in a long time, he no longer felt as if he were just floundering. With help from the few people he had in his life and a kick in the ass from himself, he knew he could get there sooner rather than later.

  “YOU WHAT?” Kollin looked over his shoulder and then again over Riley’s shoulder. “Are there hidden cameras in here? Is this some kind of prank show?”

  Riley laughed and punched Kollin lightly. “No, idiot. I thought you’d be excited. After all, you love your parents.”

  “I do,” Kollin agreed. “But you’re terrified of them. I can’t believe you set up a double date for us with my dads.”

  “I like that I can surprise you.” Riley tugged Kollin close and kissed the tip of his chin. “Especially when it’s in a good way.”

  Kollin wrapped his arms around Riley and leaned in for a more satisfying kiss. Riley’s usual, woodsy scent was masked by his soap and cologne.

  When Riley had stopped by HOPE earlier, he came straight from the site. He was grungy and sweaty, his hair an oblong-shaped mess from his hard hat. Kollin thought he looked cute as hell. Apparently Greg, either from exhaustion or more likely from missing his wife, had given his entire crew Friday afternoon off so they could return to Boone early.

  Excitement flooded Kollin when Riley suggested spending the afternoon together at HOPE. Kollin readily handed over his keys so Riley could go home to wash up, and when he saw Riley pull back into the parking lot, Kollin met him outside and dragged him around to the side of the building.

  Kollin broke off from the kiss and nuzzled his face into Riley’s neck to take a deep breath and search for more of the smell he loved.

  “Your dad is going to kill us if he finds us over here like this,” Riley said as he tightened his arms around Kollin.

  “Don’t care.” Kollin nipped at Riley’s shoulder. “Besides, we’re vol
unteers, not students, and you’re buying them dinner tonight. That’s got to give us a little leeway.”

  Riley laughed and pulled away. “Not sure any of that will get us off the hook if we’re caught making out. We’re supposed to set a good example.”

  Kollin sighed. “Fine, Mr. Goody Two-shoes. Let’s go inside and keep a respectable two inches between us at all times.”

  Riley clucked his tongue. “What’s gotten into you? I don’t seem to remember you ever having a problem with center rules before.”

  “That was before I had a hot-ass boyfriend who likes to wear shirts that are one size too small and jeans that cup his perfectly bubble-shaped ass.”

  Riley gasped and opened the door for Kollin. “My shirts are not too small.”

  Kollin eyed Riley’s impressive chest and shoulders, which were on prominent display due to the aforementioned too-small shirt. But it was Riley’s face that really made his heart flutter. Riley looked so relaxed and carefree. His smile came easily, and his eyes held a spark Kollin hadn’t seen in a long time. Like, a really long time.

  “It’s so good to see you again,” Kollin said. He wished he could convey everything he felt with those simple words.

  Riley shot Kollin a puzzled look as he stopped by the front desk, where HOPE’s longtime receptionist, Chloe, watched them. “I was just here an hour ago.”

  “I know,” Kollin said with a shrug.

  “He means,” Chloe said, “it’s good to see you happy again. That’s the first real smile I’ve seen from you in months, Riley.”

  Riley glanced at Kollin, who offered a small smile and then turned back to Chloe. “If you say so.”

  “In fact, I do.” Chloe grinned. “May I ask what brought its return? Or is it the obvious?” She pursed her lips and pointedly looked at Kollin.

  Riley flushed, and his cheeks turned a lovely shade of pink that contrasted with his platinum hair. “I guess it might have a little something to do with seeing your shining smile on this beautiful Friday afternoon.”

  Chloe laughed and waved him off. “Go on out of here, you charmer.”

  Riley winked, and Kollin grabbed a handful of the M&M’S that Chloe kept out for everyone. He dumped them in his mouth as he and Riley walked toward the multipurpose room, where they were immediately dragged into different activities. Kollin helped a couple of girls with their homework while Riley watched a few rigorous games of ping-pong and handed out tips whenever he could. When Joe showed up, he went straight to Riley and engaged him in a lengthy conversation that involved a lot of hand gestures and laughter on Riley’s part.

  Riley hadn’t given Kollin many details of his chat with Joe earlier in the week—only that it went well, but he didn’t think they’d be best friends any time soon. Kollin couldn’t help but notice that Riley seemed ten pounds lighter since their conversation, though. Whatever they talked about must have done something good.

  When Eli walked in, still dressed in one of his dark suits, Kollin looked at the clock on the wall and was surprised to find it was after five. He handed his controller over to one of the other boys on the couch and excused himself from the game.

  “Got out early for a Friday, didn’t you?” Kollin asked him.

  Eli threw a lazy arm around Kollin’s shoulders. “Didn’t want to miss the super secretive double date. What’s this all about?”

  Kollin shrugged. “He didn’t say much to me about it. I kinda thought he was trying to do something nice for me.”

  “If having dinner with your parents is your idea of a fun evening, you two need to broaden your horizons.”

  “Ha, ha, ha. Maybe my parents are just super-duper cool. Didja ever think of that?”

  Eli scoffed. “You need money or something?”

  Kollin rolled his eyes. “You’re so jaded.”

  “And proud of it,” Eli said and squeezed his arm tighter around Kollin’s neck. “How much time we got? Want to play a quick game of twenty-one?”

  Kollin looked up at Eli. “Gotta change of clothes, old man?”

  Eli grunted. “Maybe I’ll just loosen my tie and we can play to ten.”

  Kollin whacked Eli’s stomach with the back of his hand. “You’re on. Let me tell Ri.”

  Twenty minutes later Kollin laughed as Eli bent over and propped his hands against his knees to keep himself up. Sweat rolled off his face, and Kollin knew his shirt had to be soaked. He looked like he might fall over at any second, but Kollin knew better.

  “Please don’t tell me you’re letting me win.” Eli gulped in air.

  “Wouldn’t dare, but one of these days, I’m gonna beat your ass out here.” Kollin dribbled the ball a few times and took a shot while Eli caught his breath. They’d been playing hard, and though Eli wasn’t quite as formidable as he was when Kollin first showed up at the center, he was still no match for Eli’s size and skill.

  “Nuh uh.” Eli held his hands up for the ball. “As soon as I turn forty, I’m done. I’m going out on a high note so everyone can remember me in my glory.”

  “Hell. You’re just vain enough to do it too.” He jumped for the rebound when Eli missed, but Eli got there quicker and went in for the easy layup.

  “That’s game,” Eli shouted, raising his arms in victory.

  “No way,” Kollin argued. “You never said we were starting again. I was being respectful to the elderly and giving you a chance to catch your breath. No one called times in.”

  “Kollin.” Eli shook his head. “It’s a bit pathetic to argue semantics. You should’ve learned how to be a gracious loser after all these years.”

  “But you didn’t say times in,” Kollin shrieked.

  “And you never said time out.” Eli was already gathering his jacket from the bench. “Besides, I need a few minutes to change. I’m all sweaty.”

  Kollin grabbed the ball off the court and stalked toward the door. “One of these days, you’re not going to get away with this shit.”

  “I know.” Eli flashed a grin over his shoulder. “But that day isn’t going to be today. Give me ten minutes to get cleaned up, and we’ll be ready.”

  Kollin followed Eli inside but broke off toward the bathroom so he could splash some water on his face. He hadn’t gotten nearly as sweaty as Eli, but a quick rub down with a paper towel wouldn’t hurt.

  When he opened the door to the bathroom, he saw Riley at one of the sinks, washing his hands. “You win?” he asked.

  “No,” Kollin grumbled, “but he cheated.”

  “Doesn’t he always cheat?”

  Kollin huffed. “Yeah. I guess he does. But he’d still win if he didn’t, so I don’t know why he does it.”

  Riley dried his hands and leaned against the sink next to where Kollin bent down to wash his face. “Probably because it pisses you off.”

  Kollin swiped the excess water off his face and reached for a paper towel. “Surely Eli wouldn’t be that childish…. Okay. I just heard that come out of my mouth. That’s definitely why he does it.”

  Riley quirked his head to the side. “How’d it take you five years to figure that out?”

  “I dunno. He’s my dad. He’s not supposed to intentionally make me mad, is he?”

  Riley shrugged. “That’s what mine did to me.”

  “Yeah. But yours is an asshole. Or was. And maybe still is….” Kollin let the sentence trail off. He hadn’t meant to go there. Riley still hadn’t gone to visit his parents, and Kollin didn’t want to push the issue. He didn’t want to cloud Riley’s perception of them either way while Riley was still trying to decide what to do.

  Fortunately Riley ignored the huge foot in Kollin’s mouth. “And yours are more like friends than dads, so I guess you’re going to have to deal with it.”

  “Not a bad trade-off, I guess.” Kollin dried his face. “You gonna tell me anything else about this dinner tonight?”

  Riley sighed. “It’s really not a big deal. I don’t know why everyone is making it out to be.”

  Kollin
nodded. “Okay. That’s fine. Keep your little secret.”

  Riley grinned and looked at the ground. “Thank you.”

  He had a strong urge to grill Riley for more information, but Kollin ignored it, and an hour later they were all seated at a four top at The Cowfish near downtown Raleigh. They’d just ordered their food, and Riley had become obviously more nervous. He kept moving his fork around, and Kollin felt Riley’s right leg bouncing up and down. With no idea what was going on in Riley’s head and no desire to force it out of him in front of Adam and Eli, Kollin simply placed his hand on Riley’s knee and squeezed.

  Riley immediately stopped his knee and flashed Kollin a grateful smile. He flipped his fork over a few more times and then cleared his throat. “I know you guys have already figured out I initiated this whole thing for a reason.” His knee bounced up and down again, and he looked up at Adam and then Eli. “I want to thank you guys for everything you’ve done for me since I’ve been back in town. You’ve gone out of your way to make me feel welcome in your home, even though I managed to complicate everyone’s lives.”

  The sincerity in Riley’s voice was palpable, and Kollin resisted the impulse to lean over and hug him. He glanced at his parents instead and saw a look of proud admiration on Eli’s face, while Adam was all smiles.

  “Don’t even mention it, Riley,” Adam said. “We’re always glad to help.”

  Riley nodded. “I know, but taking me into your home goes above and beyond your usual measures of awesomeness, and I really am so thankful, especially after everything that happened with Kollin.” Riley looked at Kollin. “Recently and four years ago.”

  “Riley….” But Kollin didn’t know what else to say.

  Riley continued as if Kollin hadn’t said anything. “I guess you all know we’ll be done with the work on H4H in a few weeks. I can’t—” Riley took a deep breath. “I can’t stay when we’re done. I want to, but my job is back in Boone, and I know a job isn’t everything, but I’ve worked my ass off there to move up the ranks. I’d have to start all over if I stayed. Greg says the Durham office will be opening soon, though. Maybe even by the end of the year. And he’s going to do everything he can to get me transferred over here.” Riley cleared his throat and started flipping his fork again. “I just wanted to tell each of you that. And I promise I’m not going to disappear again.”