Reclaiming Hope

by Shell Taylor

  Kollin brushed a clump of platinum-tipped hair out of Riley’s face. “Yes. You need to forget everything negative anyone has ever told you about your body, including yourself, and listen only to me.”

  “Listen to you, huh.” Riley grinned. He wrapped his arms around Kollin’s bare waist and drew small circles on his back with his thumbs, which made Kollin’s cock take interest. Kollin held his breath and tried to stop himself from getting hard. The moment still felt too serious for him to pop wood, but then he saw Riley’s eyes light up and his grin widen.

  “I’m so sorry,” Kollin blurted out. “I know this is important, but it’s your fault for being so freaking hot, and now you’re touching me, and he’s down there, nestled in where it’s all warm, and oh, God—” Kollin tried to pull his hips—and dick—away from Riley, but Riley grabbed his ass and pulled him back in.

  Kollin tilted his hips up and rubbed his shaft against Riley’s slick cock. Riley shuddered and clutched Kollin closer, and Kollin groaned into Riley’s ear.

  “We can talk later,” Riley panted.

  “Good idea.”

  Kollin slid back down Riley’s body and forgot to be apprehensive after the sudden change of events. He rubbed the tip of his penis against Riley’s cock, and Riley shuddered again but batted Kollin’s hand away and moved it farther down, so his fingers slid easily into Riley’s vagina. Momentarily stunned, Kollin stared as Riley grabbed Kollin’s dick and started jerking him off while furiously rubbing his own cock. Riley groaned—clearly turned on by something he was doing to himself, since Kollin had yet to move—and Kollin snapped out of his haze and gently fingered Riley.

  Falling back onto what he knew from being with men, Kollin pumped in and out of Riley and slowly added more fingers as he searched for the elusive G-spot he’d heard so much about. He knew he found it when Riley’s whimpers turned into moans and his entire body started to shake. Eager to draw Riley’s pleasure out as Riley always did to him, Kollin teased Riley, never focusing on anywhere long enough to bring him to completion.

  Riley became insistent and begged Kollin to bring him relief, and Kollin realized his own orgasm was approaching. Feeling Riley squirm beneath him and watching Riley touch himself turned out to be a bigger turn-on than anything Kollin had ever experienced. Kollin still felt like a fumbling idiot, but he must have been doing something right, given the obscene sounds coming out of Riley. His sexual energy was overwhelming, and Kollin had a sudden urge to bury himself in Riley for real.

  With that thought Kollin leaped over the edge. His orgasm was shorter and not nearly as intense, but given Riley’s state beneath him, Kollin enjoyed it a hell of a lot more. Jizz spurted out of Kollin’s cock and landed on Riley’s stomach just as Riley folded into himself, and his entire body spasmed with the force of his orgasm. Kollin fingered him through the end, until Riley flopped back on the bed and groaned.

  Kollin collapsed on top of him and buried his face in Riley’s neck.

  “Wow.” Riley’s voice was hoarse, and he sounded completely surprised. It made Kollin laugh.

  “Yep.”

  “I mean—”

  “I told you we’d be good together.”

  Riley shook his head, which jostled the top of Kollin’s. “There’s no way you knew it would be that good.”

  Kollin propped himself up to look at Riley and shrugged. “Maybe not, but it’s us. How could it not be that good?”

  “You’re amazing.” Riley grinned. “I still have moments where I think to myself, ‘Holy shit, I’m dating Kollin Haverty,’ or ‘Holy shit, I just had Kollin’s dick in my mouth. Kollin, my best friend. Kollin, the guy I crushed on for years.’”

  Kollin frowned. “I guess I don’t spend a lot of time overanalyzing stuff. I feel good when we’re together. That’s good enough for me.”

  Riley sighed. “I wish it was that easy for me.”

  “It’s not always a positive thing. Sometimes I rush into things without thinking through the outcome. Or make rash decisions that I later regret because I’m too in the moment to see all the sides.” Kollin rolled off Riley and shoved his legs beneath the covers. “I’ve even been known to lose my shit and scream at people I care about.”

  Riley gasped. “No.”

  “Shocking, I know.” Kollin studied Riley’s relaxed face. His eyes were closed and a small smile played on his lips, and Kollin’s heart filled, knowing he’d help put it there. “So, you’re okay with everything I did?”

  Riley’s eyes fluttered open, and he turned to face Kollin. “Yeah. I was pretty nervous, especially at first. It felt so awkward to know you were so focused on me. I didn’t really like it, if I’m being honest. But I guess I forgot to be self-conscious after a while.”

  “Good. You shouldn’t be.” Kollin cleared his throat. “I know you’ve been worried about us having sex. I guess we’ve both worried about it, and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I really wanted to be having sex with you. Like real sex. My penis and your….” Kollin hesitated and frowned. “I don’t know what you want me to call it.”

  Riley laughed. “It’s okay to call it a vagina. Just don’t use the p- word, please.”

  Kollin scrunched up his face. “Noted. So yeah, my dick is ready to have sex with your vagina.”

  Riley burst out laughing, and Kollin grinned.

  “I’m serious. And I want to do more than just finger you next time, so you have to show me how to touch you. I was kind of scared I’d hurt you, but you weren’t exactly gentle.”

  Riley covered his face, but Kollin pulled his hands away so he could see his eyes. “I have big feelings inside me right now, Ri. All for you. I’m ready for us. Is that okay with you?”

  A slow smile spread over Riley’s face. “More than okay.”

  Kollin made a face and stuck out his tongue. “Is that it? I get no reciprocation after that huge confession of big feelings?”

  Riley rolled his eyes. “I have big feelings too. Okay? Like the biggest. They’re huge.”

  “Thank you. Was that so hard?”

  “You’re ridiculous.”

  “Maybe. Maybe not.”

  They lay together and stared at one another for a while. Kollin felt drunk in love, even if he wasn’t quite ready to take the leap and confess anything more than big feelings. There were too many obstacles in their way to make that jump, and Kollin didn’t want to force them three steps back when he finally felt like they were on the edge of getting everything right.

  Riley grasped Kollin’s hand. “I know this may not be the best time….”

  Kollin looked at Riley. “Oh boy. Should I be scared?”

  “No. It’s just… I really want us to stay in this place we’re at now. It’s a good place, don’t you think?”

  Kollin nodded and waited for Riley to continue.

  “Right. So I was thinking I’m ready to go visit my parents. I want to heal and let go of resentment and let go of wondering what if. So, I had Greg drive me by their house last week, and it doesn’t look like they’ve moved. Same car in the drive, anyway.”

  “Wow. That’s great, Ri.” Kollin squeezed his hand. “Like I said before, I don’t know how they’ll react, but finding closure can only be a good thing in the long run.”

  “I know. It’s just such a scary step, you know? You think I should call or just drop by?”

  Kollin blew out a long breath. Calling might give his parents a chance to refuse to see Riley, but telling Riley that felt cruel. Adam’s voice popped into his mind. Kollin needed to start backing up his words with his actions. He’d told Riley over and over again that his scars represented his strength, so why didn’t he trust him to handle his opinion? After everything Riley had been through—on his own, no less—Riley deserved the truth.

  “Honestly I’d just drop by. If you call first, they may not agree to see you, and I don’t think that route would offer you as much closure.” Kollin rolled over to look at Riley. “This way at least they’d be able to see
everything you’ve accomplished on your own. I’ve never met your parents, but I can’t imagine they wouldn’t be proud of the way you’ve taken care of yourself all these years.”

  Riley snorted. “I don’t think they’ll be proud of anything having to do with me transitioning. Or leaving like that.”

  “Maybe not, but I hope they can look past that, eventually. What are you planning on telling them?”

  “I don’t know.” Riley looked up at the ceiling. “I just want to know how they feel about me. I can’t not be who I am. At least not the man part.”

  “Good. It’s good you know that.”

  “They used to tell me that everything I was going through was just a phase.” Riley closed his eyes, and Kollin knew that whatever Riley wanted to say was difficult. “I hope when they see me like this, they’ll understand how hard it was for me to live as a girl.”

  Kollin placed his hand on Riley’s cheek and gently caressed his skin. When Riley opened his eyes, Kollin could see the fear in them. “Why would I do this to myself if I weren’t already more miserable? I just want them to get that.”

  “I know.” It wasn’t enough. He wanted to tell Riley they would get it, that they would welcome him with open arms, that they would love their son as much as they had loved their now defunct daughter, but he knew better than anyone that parents didn’t always come through in the end. Sometimes, and more often than not, the people you love the most let you down the hardest. Instead he gathered Riley in his arms and whispered the only thing he knew for certain would hold true. “Whatever happens, I’ll be there.”

  Riley nodded. The scruff of his face tickled Kollin’s neck, and he tightened his arms around Kollin’s waist.

  Chapter 19

  RILEY STARED out of the car window at his parents’ house. Sunrays blazed behind it and almost cast a halo around it. Through the front window of the house, Riley could see the flickering lights from the television and what looked like the kitchen light on in the background. It was too late for his parents not to have eaten yet, but maybe they were doing the dishes.

  Kollin slid his hand down Riley’s arm and grabbed his hand. “You okay?”

  Riley looked over at Kollin and nodded. “Feels surreal.”

  “You ready or you want to wait a bit?”

  “Let’s just go. It’s not going to get any easier.” Riley squeezed Kollin’s hand and opened the car door. The wind blew and its chilly bite reminded Riley that summer was truly over. He waited for Kollin to come around to his side of the car, and together they walked toward the house.

  “Um… quick question,” Kollin said.

  “Yeah?”

  “Are we dating?”

  Riley raised his eyebrows and looked at Kollin. “I thought we were.”

  “No. I mean to your parents. Are we dating?”

  “Oh.” Riley hadn’t really figured out how to explain Kollin yet. How could he until he saw how they took the news of his transition? “I don’t know. I thought I’d just play that part by ear. But I promise, if I don’t tell them today, I will soon.” Riley stuttered for a moment. “I mean, if I see them again, anyway.”

  “Okay.” Riley couldn’t tell if Kollin was truly okay with his decision or not. He knew Kollin well enough that he wouldn’t make an issue of it, either way, but he couldn’t worry about hurting Kollin’s feelings as he walked up to the front stoop of his old house.

  With a deep breath, Riley knocked on the door. Barking immediately erupted from behind it. Riley looked at Kollin. “We didn’t have a dog before.”

  Riley’s dad screamed, “Lorraine, will you shut that damn dog up?”

  “You’re the one who wanted a dog, Bob,” his mom’s voice called back.

  The dog continued to bark, and it sounded as if it were pawing at the door.

  “I didn’t want a crazy dog who barked every time someone knocks on the door.” Riley could tell his dad was walking to the door as he spoke. Shit. He’d hoped his mom would answer.

  “All dogs bark, hon.” Riley could picture his mom rolling her eyes as she spoke, a small smile on her face even though exasperation laced every word.

  That simple thought made his heart ache. He really wanted the evening to go well. He missed his parents. They hadn’t understood him or what he was going through when he was in high school, but they’d loved him and showed it often. They broke his heart when they made their last-ditch effort to keep him from transitioning by threatening to stop paying his college tuition, and he’d held on to his anger and resentment for years. Every obstacle and poor decision he’d made over the past several years, he’d blamed on them. Even everything that happened with Tony became their responsibility.

  The door opened, and Riley’s knees buckled, but Kollin grabbed his arm to steady him.

  “Yes?” his dad said, looking expectantly from Riley to Kollin as he held a small dog back with his foot.

  “Uh….” Riley’s heart raced, and he frantically searched for what he’d planned to say if his parents didn’t immediately recognize him.

  His mother appeared over his dad’s shoulder. “Who is it, Bo—Riley?” She pushed past Riley’s dad and grabbed Riley’s face. “Riley?”

  Unbidden, tears popped into Riley’s eyes. “Mom.”

  She gripped Riley’s shoulders and pulled him in to her chest. Riley wrapped his arms around his mom and held on as the tears fell freely. She held him through his heaving sobs, and did nothing more than cling to him as fiercely as he clung to her. Riley wasn’t aware enough to know what Kollin or his dad were doing, but when he finally pulled away, his dad was holding the overexcited dog and Kollin stood awkwardly to the side.

  He swiped most of the tears off his face and looked at his dad, who stared back without saying anything. The silence grew awkward until Riley’s mom grabbed his arm and tugged him inside.

  “Why don’t you two come in?”

  Riley vaguely noticed that Kollin followed behind him as everyone shuffled into the living room. Not much had changed from what he remembered. In fact pictures of Riley still hung over the fireplace.

  Riley’s dad sat in the recliner. His mom gestured toward the couch and sat right next to him, so she and Kollin flanked either side of him. The dog immediately ran to Riley and Kollin, sniffed at their shoes, but didn’t jump up.

  Riley still didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t expected his mom to react so viscerally. It threw him off his already-wobbly balance. Relief flooded him when Kollin gently nudged his knee.

  “Oh. Right.” He turned to Kollin. “This is my best friend, Kollin.” He gestured toward his parents. “Lorraine and Bob Meadows.”

  Kollin smiled his easy grin and reached around Riley to shake his mom’s hand. “I spoke to your husband at the door. It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Meadows.”

  Riley’s mom smiled politely. “Likewise.” But she immediately turned her attention back to Riley as though she couldn’t believe he was sitting on her couch.

  Riley cleared his throat. “I, uh… I didn’t know if I’d be welcome, so I asked Kollin to come with me.” Riley’s mom covered her mouth with her hand, and tears slipped down her cheeks.

  “I can’t believe you’re here,” she whispered and placed her hand on Riley’s knee.

  Riley stared at it. He supposed it was meant to be a comforting gesture, but instead, it only ramped up his nerves. His dad still hadn’t said a word to him.

  “Riley,” his mom said.

  He looked up to meet her gaze, and she placed her palm on his cheek to graze over the scruff on his face.

  “I didn’t think you’d approve, so I stayed away,” he said softly.

  Riley’s dad cleared his throat but didn’t say anything, and his mom slowly lowered her hand. “I never meant to push you away from us. I just….” She paused. “I’m so sorry, Riley. I’m so very sorry I didn’t listen.”

  Lorraine clutched Riley’s hand in hers and started to cry again.

  Riley’s dad cleared his throa
t again, and this time Riley gathered the courage to look at him. His face was red, but the glare on his glasses prevented Riley from seeing his eyes. His mouth was set in a stern frown, though.

  “You shouldn’t have worried your mother like that,” his dad finally said.

  His words knocked the wind out of Riley’s chest—so much said in that short sentence. His mother had worried over him for years. His dad had not.

  “I’m sorry.” Should he say more? He felt stupid, unable to believe he’d spent so many years running from his family, and here he was sitting next to his mom, who didn’t seem to be able to stop touching him. “I thought you were done with me.”

  Lorraine shook her head. “Never, Riley. You’re our dau… our only child.”

  Her slipup didn’t go unnoticed, and some of Riley’s anger returned. “You cut me off unless I swore to stop moving forward in transitioning, and I couldn’t do that. What was I supposed to think?”

  “Don’t take that tone with your mom.” Bob’s voice was stern, and Riley shrank back into his seat.

  “Sorry, Mom.”

  “Hush, Bob. Give Riley a chance to talk.” She turned back to Riley. “I didn’t know how serious you were about all of this.”

  “But I told you, Mom. I told you something wasn’t right. I told you exactly what was wrong. I begged you to listen to me. And all you ever did was tell me I needed therapy. And when my therapist encouraged me to transition, that still wasn’t good enough for you.”

  “We just thought you should get a second opinion,” Riley’s mom pleaded. “You were my daughter, Riley. I used to braid your hair and dress you in frilly lace dresses. I spent years picturing how I’d help you get dressed in a beautiful white dress on your wedding day. I didn’t understand your desire to suddenly become a male.”

  Riley sighed. “I didn’t want to become a male. I am male. Look at me, Mom.” Riley sat up straight as his mom looked him over. “It doesn’t matter what you thought. I’m a man. I know it would’ve sucked to reframe your future with your child, but it was hard for me too, and I didn’t want to do it alone.”