Shenandoah Christmas

by Lynnette Kent

  "Hey, you're the one who was late for rehearsal. That pushed everything back so there was no time for the press till afterward." Russell stood up, his Italian suit and shoes worth every dollar he'd no doubt paid for them. "Oh, look," he said, as he saw Ben. "The country mouse came for a visit."

  Cait looked up quickly. "I didn't know you'd come in—I'm so glad to see you!" She crossed the room and crouched in front of Maddie. "She's asleep, isn't she? And Shep, too. I know it's late for them." A sigh lifted her shoulders, but she gazed up at Ben with a smile. "Thank you for coming. Just knowing you three were out there made it a really special night."

  Ben touched her cheek with his fingertips. "You were spectacular. Maddie was awestruck. And so was I."

  Cait turned her head quickly and caught his fingers with a kiss. Behind her, Russell groaned. "I'm outta here. Cait, babe, I'll see you in L.A. on the twenty-sixth."

  She dropped her chin to her chest, attempting to ease the headache she'd been fighting since the end of the concert. "Right. I'll call you."

  "I'll be waiting." The door opened and closed, and Russ left, along with the two "security advisors" he'd started taking everywhere he went. In another minute, the caterer wheeled her cart out.

  "Thank you," Cait called. "It was delicious." The woman lifted a shoulder but didn't turn back, and shut the door firmly behind her.

  Without thinking, Cait leaned forward until she could rest her cheek on Ben's leg. "I could go to sleep right here."

  He lifted her hair off her neck with one hand. ' 'What can I do?"

  She sighed. ' 'Just holding the weight of my hair is wonderful. Who would think hair could be so heavy?" His free hand came to her neck, and his strong fingers massaged the stiff muscles. "Oh, heaven. I think I'm going to cry." She closed her eyes, because tears were really close. It had been such a hard day, except for those few minutes at Maddie's program, and she was so tired...but for once she didn't have to go back to an empty hotel room alone.

  Tonight, there was Ben.

  "I'll call a cab," she said, reluctantly pulling out of his grasp. "And you can get these sleepyheads in bed."

  "Sounds good." Ben woke Maddie gently; she stared up at Cait with bleary eyes.

  "I loved your singing," she whispered. "I hope you keep having concerts forever."

  Smiling at the little girl, Cait caught a flash of something unexpected in Ben's face—regret? Disappointment? Fear? It was gone so fast she wasn't sure she hadn't imagined the reaction altogether.

  The question got lost in the process of carrying two sleepy children out to a cab, into the hotel and up to the room. Cait helped Maddie into her nightgown—soft white flannel covered with red bears holding candy canes. Shep's pajamas featured blue airplanes on gray. With the two of them tucked into one of the double beds, Ben turned off all but a single dim lamp and then followed

  Cait into the adjoining room, leaving the door open a few inches.

  They stared at each other across the width of the sitting area. Cait didn't know what to say, and Ben seemed to have the same problem.

  Finally, he shook his head. "You must be exhausted."

  "I'm too wired after a gig to sleep right away. But if you're...urn...tired..." She'd never felt this awkward with him before.

  "Not really." He stood with his hands in his pockets, looking around as if he didn't know what to do, either. "The leather's a good look for you," he said after a minute, indicating her stage clothes, "but wouldn't you rather get into something more...unimaginative?"

  His grin relaxed her a little bit. "Be right back."

  It was hard to rush through a shower with her thick, heavy hair to wash, but she did her best, then stood in front of the suitcase wrapped in a towel, debating. Robe? Jeans and a shirt? Bare feet? Socks?

  The number of times she and Ben had come close to making love without taking that final step crossed her mind. What made this night different? She wasn't sure about their future. Was sex a wise choice at this point?

  Maybe that uncertainty was, itself, the issue. If she didn't marry Ben, this would be the only chance she would ever have to spend the night in his arms. Her heart was already involved, already primed to be broken. Couldn't she at least have the memory of a few beautiful hours to take with her when she left?

  Since he was still dressed, she opted for jeans and a soft, loose sweater. Bare feet, braided hair. No makeup and no expectations of more than just conversation.

  But she could hope.

  Ben had ordered room service while she changed. "Wine?" He held out a glass.

  "Oh, yes." She sipped the tart chardonnay and eyed the service tray. "Are you hungry?"

  "Not as hungry as you, I bet. You didn't touch any of that food in the dressing room, did you?"

  Her cheeks warmed as she shook her head.

  "Sit down."

  He served her dinner, coaxing her to try different foods as if she were a child with a delicate appetite. Her wineglass stayed full, and there was decaf coffee with chocolate truffles for desert.

  "Wow." Cait fell back against the sofa cushions. "That was terrific. I could hibernate for months after that much food."

  With the service cart pushed outside, Ben came to join her. "That's the idea. You looked fantastic onstage. But—" his fingertip smoothed her skin over her cheekbones ''—now, you just look exhausted. And this morning, I noticed something was bothering you."

  His kindness, his perception, made saying anything at all impossible for a minute. When she got control, she told him about Anna and David. ' 'He won't help her name the baby, Ben. It's as if he expects him to die and thinks it won't bother him as much if the baby doesn't have a name. It's tearing Anna apart."

  Ben took her wineglass and put it with his on the coffee table, then sat back and eased her into his arms. "It's not completely rational," he murmured, his chin propped on top of her head. "But I think he's under some kind of work-related stress, so nothing makes sense with him right now."

  She thought about the books David had been working

  on. Maybe he hadn't been able to resolve the figures. But how could he allow math, of all things, to ruin his marriage?

  Cait sighed and felt Ben's mouth move against her hair. Excitement leaped inside her and she held her breath, hoping for another caress. He turned his head, moved her braid and then his warm lips kissed the nape of her neck, the soft, sensitive spot just behind her earlobe. His breath blew over her ear, making her shiver. Turning in his arms, she took his face between her hands and covered his mouth with her own.

  Ben hadn't meant to let things get out of hand, if for no other reason than that his kids were in the next room. But his need for Cait ambushed him. It seemed only seconds before she was stretched beneath him on the couch, her hands roaming his bare back, her soft body cradling his, her mouth hot, demanding, insatiable. And he wanted her the same way. Except...

  Breathing hard, he pulled out of the kiss, buried his face in the scented curve between her neck and shoulder. There were reasons not to do this. Maybe in a minute, he'd remember what they were.

  "Ben?" Her warm palms stroked his skin, stoked the fire beneath. He needed her so much....

  So much that he couldn't risk their future together on a single night.

  With an effort that hurt, he forced his body to relax, to stay still, to be quiet "Shhh," he whispered, to himself as much as to Cait. "It's okay."

  With a sound like a sob, she pressed her face against his shoulder. "No, it is not okay." She was breathless, nearly voiceless. Her hands gripped his waist. "What's wrong?''

  He didn't have the breath or the brains for much explanation. "Bad timing."

  "Because of the children?" Confusion colored her tone. "They're fast asleep."

  "Because of us." Reluctantly, he pushed away from her, moved to the end of the sofa.

  Cait scooted into a sitting position at the other end. Her mouth was swollen, her eyes heavy. "I don't understand."

  Looking at her was tort
ure. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. "If I could settle for just an affair with you, I'd have done it weeks ago."

  "Oh. That's—" she seemed to search for the word "—that's virtuous of you."

  He laughed a little. "Not particularly. I just can't take the risk. There's too much at stake."

  "Risk." She stood up and walked to the window. "There's no risk, Ben. I haven't been with anybody—"

  "Cait, you're tired and you're deliberately misunderstanding me. That's not what I mean. I need to know that our relationship is going to work, that we can combine our lives successfully, before we..." his voice trailed.

  She turned to face him, her arms wrapped close at her waist. "You were sure last Sunday. You asked me to marry you." i

  Last Sunday, he hadn't seen what he was up against. "And you weren't ready to say yes, which means you have some doubts. Then, tonight, I saw how much you'd be giving up if you walked away from your career/Even if you just scaled back..." He shrugged. "That's a lot to ask. Maybe too much."

  Cait couldn't believe how much hurt she was able to contain without some kind of physical breakdown.

  "You'll be making...adjustments...too." She didn't want to use the word sacrifice. "I won't always be here for the children, or you. I get caught up in the music sometimes and forget things like dinner and laundry." He chuckled, which encouraged her. "I'm not very neat. And all I can really cook is Thanksgiving dinner."

  Ben gave her one of his half smiles. "I know everything can't be perfect. But...I'm in deep with you as it is. Sex will just make goodbye harder, if you decide..." He shrugged.

  Needing some support to stay on her feet, she leaned back against the wall. "You don't think I'm strong enough to change my life." She didn't add that she'd come to much the same conclusion—worrying whether marrying Ben would be the worst thing she could do for all of them.

  His expression was bleak. "I just don't know that your feelings for me are strong enough to justify the kind of sacrifice you'd have to make."

  He didn't seem to have her problem with the S word. "What will it take to convince you that I love you?"

  Getting to his feet, he stood with his hands in the pockets of his cords. ' 'Just one word, Cait. Because I know if you agree to marry me, you're putting our life together, with our kids, first."

  But Cait couldn't manage that one word. Added to her own doubts, his hesitation was simply too much to overlook. Much as she wanted to be with Ben—and Maddie and Shep—she simply couldn't promise what he was asking. And so she said nothing at all.

  Ben stared at her through the big, empty silence. Finally, he drew a deep breath. "Right. I understand." He turned and walked to the door between the sitting room

  SHENANDOAH CHRISTMAS

  and his bedroom, spoke with his back to her. "We'll see you in the morning. The kids and I thought we'd stay in D.C. for a while, do some Christmas shopping. Can you come with us?"

  As if we were a real family? Cait couldn't bear the pretense. "I have to get back to Anna. David's no help to her, and Peggy has her own problems." She saw Ben's shoulders slump and for a moment, she was tempted...

  No. Cait shut her bedroom door between them before she could do any more damage. She stood for a moment, breathing hard against the ache in her chest, and then went to work. In fifteen minutes she had her suitcase packed and was on the elevator going down to the lobby.

  The valet brought Anna's beat-up Toyota to the door. Cait gave him a lavish holiday tip, gunned the engine and drove out into the night, tears dripping down her face as she started the long dark drive back to Goodwill.

  on...what? How to put the zing back in their relationship? How to communicate?

  How to face the rest of an empty life?

  Or maybe how to embezzle ten thousand dollars from a church?

  Harry folded the note along its crease and put it with the others in the cedar box he kept out here for unexpected valuables he sometimes came across. Like the tortoise-shell-framed magnifying glass he planned to give Shep one day, which he'd seen lying on the beach when he and Peg had visited Ocean City last year. Or the pretty stone bracelet he'd found when he was cleaning out a box of old toys in the attic. He remembered giving the bracelet to Valerie for her twelfth birthday, figured he would polish it up and do the same for Maddie.

  There had been days, right after Valerie died, when he thought he couldn't stand to go on without her. How had he managed? What kept him going? He'd endured then. Losing his job was nothing, compared to losing his little

  So why couldn't he cope now?

  The answer, of course, was Peggy. He had shared his grief with her, helped bear hers and Ben's and the children's. They had been bereaved as a family, and as a family they'd grieved.

  Now...Peggy was part of the problem. She expected him to enjoy the free time, to jump on all the projects he'd put off over the years. The ribbing he got from his friends, the expectation that he was living the high life... nobody appreciated how empty, how worthless a man without a job could feel. j

  Would David Remington, a barely grown boy with less than half a decade's work experience, understand any better? Not likely. 1

  But if Peg wanted counseling, Harry decided, he would go. At least then, when she filed for divorce, she'd know she'd done her best to save the marriage.

  It was, he thought, all he could do for her anymore.

  Anna walked into her kitchen on Saturday morning and halted at the sight of her sister seated at the table, drinking coffee.

  "Cait? What are you doing back so early?" Judging by the grim set of her mouth, the dark circles under her eyes, the answer to that question would not be a cheerful one. "How'd the concert go?"

  "Great." Cait's tone of voice was a direct contradiction of the word. "Close to sold out. Good audience. I'm glad I did the gig."

  ? "Did Ben and Maddie and Shep enjoy it? I can't imagine that they wouldn't, of course."

  "I think so. By the time we got to talk it was really late and the kids were almost asleep. But Ben said they had a good time." The way she said Ben's name didn't leave much doubt about the source of her gloomy attitude.

  With a cup of tea warming her hands, Anna sat down. "What happened afterward that's got you so upset?"

  Her sister propped her elbows on the table and rubbed her eyes with her fingers. "Ben asked me to marry him at the dance last Sunday." How wonderful!" And last night, he pretty much revoked the offer."

  Anna choked on her tea. "Why in the world...?"

  Cait took her mug and went to stand at the sink, looking out at another rainy day. "He'd had some second thoughts, didn't know if I'd be able to put my life with him ahead of the career. And he didn't want to risk himself or the kids getting hurt."

  <

  i

  "Oh, Cait."

  She put up a defensive hand. "No, it's okay. Some things are meant to be, and some just aren't. Ben and I might fall into the second category." |

  This sense of defeat was not what Anna had hoped for when her sister came to Goodwill. Ben's worry had some merit—Cait had been focused on her career for a long, long time. From what Anna could tell, he seemed to be asking for reassurance, not total capitulation. j

  But Cait's experience with their dad might make it hard for her to hear the difference.

  "Anyway, there's more important stuff to talk about." Cait returned to the table and sat down, a determined smile on her face. "How's that baby boy of yours? Did he learn to walk yesterday?" 3

  "Took his first steps, as a matter of fact." Anna grinned at the nonsense. "Peggy and I drove to the hospital and spent the afternoon, got some dinner in Winchester and went back for a little while. He's...okay. His eyes are open a lot more, and I think he hears when I talk to him." j

  Cait's eyes softened. "I'll go up with you today. I know you'd rather be there than anywhere else." She swirled her mug, staring inside as if she read an important message there. "And how's David? Or maybe the question ought to be, where's D
avid?" j

  Anna lifted a shoulder. "Asleep in his office, I suppose."

  "Have you two...talked since I left yesterday?" J

  She didn't see any point keeping secrets from Cait. "Only to go over what he told me in the hospital, which is how much trouble we're in. Not how to fix it. Just what to worry about...in addition to the baby."

  "What kind of trouble?" Anna's explanation about the

  nt

  missing church money didn't take long. Cait sat back in her chair, horrified. "Good grief, Anna! He told me he was having some problems making the accounts balance, but...ten thousand dollars? Has he told the church committee?"

  4 'No. He'd like to replace the money without anyone knowing."

  ' 'Do you have that kind of cash?''

  Anna shook her head.

  Cait muttered a rude word. "Well, I do. I'll loan you the money and you can pay it back sometime. Better yet, take it as rent for the last couple of months." She got up and crossed the kitchen. "I'll fetch my checkbook."

  "You will not." Halfway through the door into the hall, Cait stopped and turned around, her jaw hanging loose in surprise. Anna shook her head, gentled her tone. "We're not taking your money and we're not pretending nothing ever happened—not to the church and not to ourselves." Annabelle—"

  l My son won't start his life out under a cloud of deception." She'd had two days to think about this. Amazing how, with the baby to worry about, her thoughts had cleared, her emotions had finally settled down. "If we can't find the check, we'll just have to say so. After that...the committee may fire him. Or they may want the money repaid, and we'll figure out how to do that, too. But we aren't going to lie about it. We didn't steal the money and that's a fact."

  j "But how..." Cait thought for a moment. "How are you going to forgive David? For losing the check to begin with. For avoiding you these weeks, for—for abandoning you when the baby was born? Can you forgive him?''

  At the stove for more hot water and a new tea bag, Anna heard the questions behind the question. She wished

  **1

  she had something wise to say, something that would help Cait with her own dilemma. "I don't know the answers right now. But I'm committed to David, and somehow we'll work it out. He's a good man, and he tries really hard." She smiled. "And I love him. That helps a lot." After a minute of watching her tea brew, she changed the subject to something even more difficult. "Cait, did you call Dad about the baby?" j