Paper Airplanes

by Monica Alexander

  There was a fourth room that had been mine when I’d lived in the main house, but after graduating from high school, I’d moved out to the pool house since Diana thought I needed my own space to write. I was eternally grateful to her for suggesting that since I loved the quiet little sanctuary I’d created. Of course I still spent a lot of time in the main house, but I could always go back to my little house when I wanted to be alone. It was nice.

  My brother popped his head back out into the hallway. “Oh, hey Jared. What’s up?”

  He’d said it so casually that I knew he was playing off whatever it was they were doing.

  “Nothing, bro. What’s up with you?” I asked, matching the false cheer in his tone.

  “Oh, nothing,” he said, leaning against the door frame. “Just hanging out.”

  “In Saylor’s room. Alone?”

  Saylor suddenly popped her head out. “I’m here too, Jared,” she said brightly.

  Well, no shit.

  “Hi Say. What are you guys doing?”

  I’d seen them sitting on the back deck holding hands a few nights earlier when I’d come home from work. Then Austin had gone inside, and Saylor had stayed out there for a few minutes, so I’d gone to talk to her. She’d said Austin was just upset about his break-up with Ruthie Camden, and she was comforting him, but I didn’t wholly believe her. I wondered if they’d been doing more than holding hands outside alone at one in the morning before I’d seen them.

  And it wasn’t like it was a big deal if they were dating, but Saylor was only sixteen, and they slept across the hall from each other. There was way too much temptation there. I didn’t want my brother alone with her until I had the chance to talk to him and make sure he had an ample supply of condoms at the ready. He wasn’t as cautious as me, and the last thing I wanted for him or Saylor was to be in a situation they couldn’t get out of. Chris would have his head for that, and I’d be right behind him with Evan and Scott fighting for third in line.

  “We’re playing video games and ordering pizza. Want to come hang out?” I offered.

  “Nah, we’re good. We’re just going to hang in Say’s room,” Austin said.

  “Oh no, you should come hang out with us. It’ll be more fun that way,” I said, grabbing his arm and yanking him toward the game room.

  Saylor sighed and followed us into the room as Austin protested and punched my arm. But I was bigger and stronger than him, so he wasn’t getting away. Saylor at least knew they’d been busted and came quietly.

  “Stay in here,” I told them both. “Scott, these two want to play. Can you pass them controllers?”

  “Awesome,” Austin muttered sarcastically as he slumped down onto the couch, but I watched Saylor slide down next to him and slip her hand into his. He smiled at her, so I knew he wasn’t all that mad.

  Well, he was probably pissed at me, but he’d get over it. I wasn’t concerned.

  After everyone was settled and not having sex, I called the pizza place and ordered two large pies since our group had practically doubled in size and Austin was a big eater. Just as I was hanging up, Cassie came out into the hallway. I shoved my phone in my pocket and looked over at her as she leaned against the wall.

  “Thank you for helping me earlier,” she said, as she stuffed her hands into the pockets of her little white shorts that I pretended didn’t show off her tan legs in a really spectacular way.

  “You’re welcome.”

  “And I’m sorry I was weird when you touched me earlier. I didn’t mean to be. You just surprised me.”

  “I didn’t mean anything by it,” I said quickly. I didn’t need her reading into anything.

  She shook her head. “I know.” Then she smiled. “But I shouldn’t have freaked out. I’m sorry about that. You were really sweet to help me.”

  I shrugged. “It was no big deal.”

  “So what’s the story? You and your brother live here with Scott and his family?”

  “Yeah. How did you figure that out?”

  “Austin was talking about his room, and he gestured across the hall. I just assumed.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, we moved in here three years ago when my dad moved to Cleveland for work.”

  Thankfully she didn’t question why my father hadn’t moved us with him. I wasn’t prepared to explain that to her. Or to tell her why we didn’t have a mother we could have lived with. I didn’t want her to know any of the dirty details of my life. They were too embarrassing.

  “Got it. That’s cool. I didn’t know you and Scott were roommates.”

  I chuckled at that. “Well, we were never roommates. I lived in the room at the end of the hall during my senior year of high school, but I moved out to the pool house when I started college. Diana, Scott’s mom, felt like I should have my own space. It’s small, but I like the privacy.”

  “That sounds nice.”

  I shrugged. “Yeah, it is, I guess.”

  “You’re just full of secrets, aren’t you?” she said coyly.

  I wasn’t sure what to say to that, since I wasn’t aware I’d been keeping secrets, so I didn’t say anything in response. The smiled faded from her face, and I was sad to see it go. But Cassie disarmed me, and I had a hard time knowing what to say around her. Just standing so close to her had my stomach in knots. She was unlike any girl I’d ever been around.

  “Thanks for giving me a second chance,” she said, possibly to fill the silence I’d created. “I really didn’t mean what I said earlier today, you have to know that. I was just surprised to find out I knew who you were because you look so different.”

  It might have been my imagination, but her eyes might have shifted to my bicep as she said that. And that might have given me a little thrill. But then her gaze was back on mine, and she was waiting for me to respond to her.

  I shrugged. “I don’t really hold grudges,” I told her honestly, and she looked relieved, her whole body relaxing.

  Then she cocked her head to the side and gave me a small smile. “So, we’re friends?” she asked hopefully.

  It was the hope in her voice that really struck a chord with me, and I nodded once. “Yeah, I think we are.”

  She grinned, her whole face lighting up. “I’m so glad. You’re sweet, Jared Lansing,” she said, and then she surprised me when she stepped across the hall, stood on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek. “I’m glad I’m going to get to know you better.”

  She smiled at me as I stood there in stunned shock, not sure what to think as her lips left a tingling feeling on my skin.

  “Don’t tell Brooke I did that,” she said as she offered me a small smile and winked at me. “Where’s the bathroom?”

  I cleared my throat since it was suddenly very thick, and said, “Second door on the left.”

  “Thanks, Jared,” she said as she turned away from me and headed into the bathroom.

  I really had to get over how it felt to hear her say my name. I got a goofy feeling inside whenever she said it, and that wasn’t good on so many levels.

  Chapter Nine

  Cassie

  I was lounging by the pool in my backyard, trying to get a little color, when my phone rang. I had the day off from work, but classes were starting the next day, so I was trying to relax before the madness of school and studying started up again. I had to get mentally back into that mindset. I was attempting to do that and get a tan at the same time.

  I smiled when I saw that it was Marley. I’d tried calling her the night before during a break at work, but she hadn’t answered.

  “Hey babe,” I greeted her. “How are you?”

  “Hey you. I’m okay, you know, hanging in there.”

  “Yeah, me too.” It was our unspoken way of saying that nothing had really changed. We were both still trying to put the pieces of our lives back together, and it wasn’t easy. “So how’s Seattle?”

  “Rainy,” she sighed. “It’s always rainy here. I’ve been getting spray tans so I don’t look so pasty, but it’s
not the same as the real thing.”

  “Oh, then you’re going to hate me right now. I’m laying out in my backyard enjoying the sunshine.”

  “Bitch,” she said playfully.

  “Love you too. So what’s new? Where were you last night?”

  She started to cry then, and I wasn’t sure why. Although it wasn’t out of the norm for her these days, I just didn’t know what had triggered it.

  “Mar, what’s wrong?”

  She sniffed and tried to pull herself together. “It’s so horrible. I can’t even say it.”

  Oh God. I hated that she was like this. She carried so much fear and pain and guilt around each and every day. She never used to be like that, but she’d changed the day of the shooting, even more than I had. She blamed herself for Aiden’s death since she’d called out to him, and it had gotten the gunman’s attention. Reese and I had each told her over and over again, that there was no way she could blame herself for that. It was chaos, and Aiden had moved from where he and Marley and the cashier were hiding to go find his brother. We all knew he should have just stayed put, but even then there was no guarantee he would have made it out alive. I hated that she blamed herself for something so senseless that none of us could have controlled.

  “It’s okay. I’m here,” I told her, trying to calm her down. “Talk to me.”

  I so badly wanted to be there, to hug her and let her know she wasn’t alone.

  She took a deep breath. “Cass, I feel so bad. Seriously. I’m a shitty, shitty person.”

  “No, you’re not. What did you do? Why do you feel shitty?”

  “I had a date last night,” she choked out, and I suddenly understood perfectly.

  “You did?” I said as lightly as I could. This was kind of out of left field, and it was definitely a big deal.

  “Yeah, he was this guy I met at work. He brought his Lab in for an outpatient procedure, and I talked to him while he waited. He was sweet and funny, and he told me he had an extra ticket to see The Neighbourhood in concert. I’ve been dying to see them, so I figured I’d go. You know, what could it hurt? I didn’t even think it was a date, but then during Afraid, he took my hand, and I panicked. I yanked my hand away from him, and he was looking at me like I was nuts, because I probably am, and for the whole rest of the show it was so awful. I felt like I’d cheated on Aiden, and I felt like such a moron for not realizing I was on a date when I so obviously was. It was such an epic fail.”

  “Oh Mar, you’re not a moron.”

  “Yes, I am,” she sniffed.

  “No, you’re not. You’re just not ready to date, and that’s totally understandable. Aiden meant a lot to you.”

  “He did. He was so amazing, and I miss him so much. It’s not like I thought he was my soul mate or that I was going to marry him, but I might have. I loved him, and I know that I’d still be with him if he was here. I can’t just go around dating other people. It’s so wrong.”

  I closed my eyes and looked down, fighting back my own tears. I knew exactly how she was feeling. I was pretty sure I’d been flirting with Jared on Friday night. Hell, I’d kissed him on the cheek, and then throughout the night we’d exchanged these little flirty glances. But the worst part was that when he’d placed his hands over mine on the Playstation controller it had ignited feelings I hadn’t experienced since Will. And I hadn’t even felt bad about it until Marley had basically told me I should. Granted, I’d only been with Will for a little over a month, and she’d been with Aiden for a year and a half, but I probably still would have been with Will if he was still alive. And that made me feel shitty. And confused.

  What was I supposed to feel? My boyfriend had been ripped away from me in a second, and although I’d had a few months to process what had happened, it didn’t make my chest ache any less. It wasn’t like he’d broken up with me and I was sad. He died. It was completely different.

  “I know,” I said quietly, because what else could I say in that moment?

  I wasn’t about to tell her to go out and sleep with a bunch of guys to get over Aiden. That wasn’t how it worked when you lost someone like she had. The only thing that would help was time, and we both knew that. Maybe in time I wouldn’t be wracked with guilt for sharing a few looks with a cute guy. Today I couldn’t say that, though.

  I guess it was a good thing Jared was taken, because in truth, the temptation to be more than friends with him was there. I could feel it when he looked at me. My hands got sweaty, my heart started to beat faster, and my face got hot. He was so darn cute that I wanted to cuddle up next to him and just watch him smile at me. I loved his smile. I wanted to feel the weight of his hand in mine, and I wanted to know what it would be like to kiss him.

  I hadn’t been attracted to another guy since Will. And it had only been four months – although it felt like three to me since I’d lost one of those months. I shouldn’t have been attracted to Jared. I knew it was too soon, but I couldn’t help it. As much as I fought the feelings he elicited in me, they were there, and they’d only compounded after he’d helped me learn to play Gods of War. His hands had been on top of mine, his body flush against my side, and for as foreign as that felt, it also felt comforting, like I’d been missing human contact in the months I’d cut myself off from it. I’d liked having him close to me.

  But he was with Brooke, and that was a good thing. It would keep me from getting tempted. The last thing I needed to do was date someone. I was planning to go back to Coleman in the fall anyway, especially after how well the past few days at work had gone. I was so excited with how normal I’d been feeling that I just knew I’d be ready to go back to school in a few months – in Wisconsin. And Jared lived in Illinois. It would never work anyway.

  “Am I a terrible person?” Marley asked me then.

  “No!” I said quickly, because she wasn’t. And I wasn’t either. We were just human. “Not at all.”

  “Okay,” she said softly.

  “If it makes you feel any better, I hung out with some people from work a few nights ago,” I told her. “And I might have flirted a little with the cute guy who trained me.”

  “Work? When did you start working?” she asked, sounding more like herself.

  “Last week. I got a job at Dawson’s Grill. I’m a server.”

  “Seriously?” she asked in disbelief.

  I knew what she was thinking. I was the last person you’d expect to wait tables, but I liked the job. And aside from Brooke, the people I worked with were fun.

  I liked that I’d made some friends. Of course I’d only hung out with Jared and Scott that one time, but I still considered them friends. Scott and I had kept up our teasing banter throughout my shift the night before, but we’d been so busy on the floor that Jared and I had barely said anything to each other that didn’t tie back to our tables or our orders.

  It was my second night, and Jared had kept me with him for part of the night, but then he’d given me two tables of my own from his section to wait on. He’d even said I could keep the tips. I don’t think I’d ever worked so hard in my life, and by the time we’d closed down the restaurant at the end of the night, it was after one o’clock. I was exhausted. I’d said goodbye to Scott, but Jared had been talking to Brooke in the parking lot, and he hadn’t made eye contact with me when I’d looked over at him.

  It wasn’t like I was expecting us all to hang out again, but I’d been sort of flattered that Scott had asked me to come over to his house on Friday night. And it wouldn’t have sucked to do it again, but it was late, and Jared probably had plans with his girlfriend. So I got in my car, headed home and went to bed.

  It made sense that our paths hadn’t crossed socially in high school, but now they were exactly the kind of friends I sort of needed. And I didn’t even know them all that well, but I saw the way Jared looked out for Scott and the way Scott approached life with a positivity I’d never seen before. And I sort of hoped the traits they both possessed would rub off on me, because although I�
�d led a charmed life for so many years, I’d become incredibly pessimistic in recent months. I could use some positivity.

  “Yes,” I told Marley proudly. “I am a server, and I made fifty dollars in tips last night, thank you very much.”

  “Ha! Like you need the money.”

  “I don’t, but I need something to do, so I’m doing this. And I like it. It’s fun, and the people are cool.”

  “Yeah, I guess that’s true. So who’d you hang out with? Hale?”

  Marley and Hale had been good friends for years. They’d been close in elementary and middle school, and they’d kept in touch throughout high school and college. She knew he worked at Dawson’s.

  “No, I didn’t hang out with Hale. I actually hung out with Scott Larson and Jared Lansing. Do you know them?”

  “No, the names don’t ring a bell. Did they go to school with us?”

  “No clue. I went to high school with them, but we didn’t run in the same crowds.”

  I didn’t feel the need to tell her how different our circles of friends had been in high school, because thinking about that made me feel like shit all over again for what I’d said to Jared. I couldn’t believe I’d told him he was scrawny and needed to use zit cream and wash his hair. God, what was wrong with me?

  But I still had a hard time connecting the guy I’d sat next to in English with who Jared was today. He looked so different now. He was completely hot, if I was being honest. He’d definitely grown up since then and somewhere along the way had gotten himself a killer body.

  My shoulders slumped as my brain registered what I was thinking, and I immediately felt guilty again for thinking Jared was hot. I’d thought the same thing about Will for two years. Damn, I was so confused.

  “They’re fun guys,” I forced myself to continue, because talking would take my mind off of how much I hated myself in that moment. “And they’re really nice. You’d like them. Jared’s girlfriend is kind of a bitch and I’m pretty sure she hates me, but I’m trying not to let it affect our friendship.”