The One Percent (Episode 2): The One Percent

by Heller, Erik P.

  The One Percent

  A Zombie Apocalypse

  Fantasy Serial

  By Erik P Heller © 2018

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  This work is a work of fiction and all characters are entirely fictional. Any similarity to people, alive or dead is entirely coincidental.

  Please be aware, this book and serial contain, some bad language (not lots), toilet humour, British English spellings, plenty of Zombie gore, mild sexual references, supernatural fantasy elements, Americans, and other stuff that might offend.

  Actually, the American is OK so scrub that part.

  If any of those things is likely to offend you then my apologies in advance.

  Contents

  Episode Two

  Episode Two

  After a more than ample dinner, finished off with more cakes with homemade custard poured over the top, eight of us sat around the table, sated, in Daisy’s farmhouse kitchen. I’m almost certain none of the chairs matched, but then neither did any of the plates or knives and forks.

  Frankly, I didn’t care. I had a full belly, a large mug of slightly strange-tasting hot tea on the table in front of me, and the vague feeling that for the first time in about a week, I would sleep well that night. I’d already mentally laid claim to a hugely overstuffed sofa in Daisy’s parlour as she called it.

  Very quaint. Very chintzy. Very 1980s. It made me feel grimly nostalgic for Lanchcombe House. Except Lanchcombe was all very 1890s.

  Jezza was the first to speak up.

  “So, what’s the plan for tomorrow?” He didn’t ask anyone in particular. I think he was just waiting for someone to make a few suggestions, so he could try to shoot them down in flames as was his way. It was very trying at times, but I was used to it. How the others would take to him, I had no idea, and right then, post-prandial, I didn’t really care too much.

  “I still want to go over to my parents’ house.” Katie was sitting very oddly on her chair, her feet on the seat, and her chin on her knees. If I’d sat like that I’d have needed a crane to get me standing again. The benefits of youth I supposed.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea my darlin’.” Daisy chipped in from her end of the table.

  “I don’t care. I need to go see. If nobody will come with me, I’ll go on my own.”

  As soon as she said it, almost everybody started to either sympathise and take her side against Daisy or tried to persuade her not to be so—as Jezza put it most succinctly—‘fucking idiotic’.

  Katie cried and Jezza found himself the focus of the ire of all the women and all but one of the men. Namely me. I just sat back and enjoyed the show, shrugging vaguely when he turned to me for help. Serves him right for being a first-class knob at times.

  In the end Daisy quietened everyone down by telling them to ‘shut the fuck up in her house’ which seemed to do the trick even though it let Jezza off the hook.

  “Look, Katie.” Daisy said, “I’ve been into town and you’ve seen the state of my old tractor when I came back just before I came to get you lot. The whole place is swarming with hundreds of them, and if you went in there, especially on your own, they would rip you to shreds like a half a crispy duck. Number seventy-five.”

  Everyone looked at her, slightly confused.

  “Number seventy-five on the menu from the Chinese takeaway in town. Every Friday I went there. Number seventy-five, number forty-three, and a pack of prawn crackers. I’ll miss that. Anyway, if you want to go, the only way will be in the tractor, and I can only take three people tops, and one of ‘ems me, cos I’ll be driving.”

  I really didn’t see much point in arguing with Daisy’s breakdown of the situation, although I was dying to know what the number forty-three was and to ask her what prawn crackers were. It was dawning on me what a sheltered, and frankly rather boring life I’d led back at Lanchcombe. In all my thirty-eight years I had never had a Chinese takeaway. How hideously bourgeois is that admission?

  “There’s the offer then, Katie,” I said, “What do you say?”

  “I say, thank you, Daisy, and you, Frank, for offering to come too.”

  “I—” I stopped talking. Everyone’s eyes were on me. Me and my bloody huge woman-repelling mouth. I appeared to have talked myself into a jaunt I’d had no intention of going on. Why she would want me, not someone capable I’ve no idea, but I could hardly say no now, could I?

  “No problem, Katie,” I said, once I’d wrapped my head around my predicament. “No problem at all. So, what is everyone else going to do while we’re away?”

  “Someone needs to keep an eye on the gate, make sure none of ‘em get in while we’re gone, and the gathering over the back wall could be thinned out a bit. Might give us a few more days before they break through.”

  “That’s that then,” said Jezza, sounding like he was in charge all of a sudden.

  “Right then,” Daisy said, “The copper’s heating up water in the kitchen. You lot get the dishes washed, me and Frank need to talk about tomorrow.”

  She stood and headed for the back door, pushing it open, and heading out into the late evening dusk. Late summer, heading into autumn, had always been one of my favourite times of the year.

  The real heat of the summer had gone, leaving warm days and cool nights, with the first breezes of chilly air signifying that autumn, then winter were on their way.

  That breeze was wafting then, out in the enclosed yard around the back of the farmhouse, sending a shiver down my back, and prompting me to pull my jacket tighter around myself as I followed Daisy over to a gate in the enclosure.

  She leaned on it, and with the cap and overalls gone, and in a pair of jeans and a fleece top, I could see that she was a deal slimmer than I’d taken her for earlier. Overalls definitely weren’t a figure flattering fashion item that’s for sure but, as I thought about it, I realised she didn’t care. Attracting a man was probably the last thing on her mind right now and I had to admonish myself for slipping into my typically male way of thinking.

  I stepped up beside her and copied her pose, one foot on the bottom rail of the gate and leaning on my forearms over the top rail.

  Neither of us spoke for a long time, simply gazing out over the field behind the house, tracking the last of that summers swallows before they headed off back to Africa for the winter. I wondered what they would find there. Of course, they would be back the next year too. For nature, the circle of life just kept on turning.

  “Thank you for sharing your food with us. I’m afraid we left where we were in quite a hurry and were ill-equipped to say the least,” I said quietly, not wanting to disturb the peace and quiet too much.

  “Had you come far?”

  “Not really, maybe thirty miles that’s all. That horsebox isn’t exactly speedy, you know?”

  She turned her head to me, smiling. I tried not to smile back. Maybe that was going to have to be the new me. mean and moody and never smiling.

  “My tractor can do about forty miles per hour top speed, but you bounce around in the bloody thing like a jack-in-the-box. Big tall bloke like you would probably smash his head on the ceiling.”

  I put my hand on top of my head, picturing that scene. Not good.

  “You got any crash helmets?” I asked.

  She giggled sweetly at that. Was I making an
impression, I mean, who would have thought the end of the world would mean I might have a chance of meeting someone who wasn’t repulsed by me? Not me that’s for sure.

  “I haven’t, no. Listen, I brought you out here to talk about going into town.”

  “Well, it’s right on the outskirts so no need to go right into the town I suppose.”

  I looked over at her. She’d swapped from giggling to sounding worried.

  “You haven’t seen it properly yet though, Frank. There are just so many of them, and they come at you from all directions. Tell you the truth, and you might not want to mention this to the rest,” she looked over her shoulder to make sure nobody else was listening. I took the chance to light up a cigarette which she took without asking, so I lit up another, “but when I was there today, even the tractor wasn’t enough to get through them all. I made it out by the skin of my teeth, and I can only imagine it’ll be even worse tomorrow.” She sounded extremely concerned.

  “Well, I can’t imagine young Katie is going to take no for an answer, is she?” Daisy shook her head and coughed when she sucked in the smoke from the cigarette. “So, the only thing we can do is go, and let her see for herself how dangerous it is, then get the heck out of there before we get bogged down.”

  Daisy nodded although she didn’t look even the slightest bit convinced.

  She was quiet again for a few moments taking a couple of drags on her cigarette then blowing out the smoke in sinuous waves. “What do you think will happen to us all, Frank? Be honest with me.” It was the first time I’d seen Daisy look unsure in the admittedly short time I’d known her.

  “I don’t know, Daisy. I’m just an ordinary bloke who knows more about farming than dealing with world-ending events.” I paused and thought about it for a while “I think in the end, we will all die. That’s just nature’s way. It’s how we survive in the meantime that will make the difference.”

  I was impressed that I’d actually managed to make a profound statement about our predicament, especially only a day in. Daisy nodded and drew again on the cigarette.

  “Are you married, Frank?”

  “No, Daisy, and with a smile like mine I’m never likely to be.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “My smile. The one that makes every woman look at me like I’m a bit touched in the head?”

  “I thought that was constipation?”

  “No, Brian made that up, so you didn’t just drive straight off again.”

  Daisy gave a gentle chuckle. “Oh dear.” She put her hand over her mouth.

  “What is it?”

  “I put something in your tea. Something to help you … you know.”

  “I have no idea what you’re … hang on … do you mean you put laxatives in my tea? Oh, shit.” I held my suddenly rumbling belly.

  Daisy nodded furiously. “I’m so sorry, after what Brian said I really thought … I am truly sorry, Frank. They were my dad’s; he was a sufferer.”

  “No problem,” I yelled as I walked quickly but awkwardly back to the house—clenching. “Honest mistake,” I muttered as I shouldered the door open and headed upstairs.

  Two hours later and with my backside burning like having salt rubbed in an open wound, I came back out of the bathroom, headed back downstairs, and staked my claim to the sofa.

  Daisy very kindly brought me a blanket. “I am really sorry, Frank. I thought—”

  “I know,” I said, looking up at her eyes. “No need to apologise. Oh, hell.”

  I sat up quickly and ran to the bathroom for round two.

  As I sat there, waiting, I resolved that I would never smile again, until I knew I could smile properly. At thirty-eight that’s quite a thing to profess but, I thought as I strained repeatedly, I’m never going through this again.

  IX0X0X0X0X0X0XI

  Breakfast the next morning was a subdued affair, although the standard of food was a great improvement on anything Cook had provided.

  Whether the various small cliques had been talking among themselves or not, I didn’t really know or care because I was worn out after a night of trips up and down to the bathroom.

  I’d finally managed to get to sleep about two hours or so before Brian got up and started a rigorous set of exercises. He worked up quite a sweat and I did too from just watching him. The man was like a blasted machine, his biceps bulging each time he did a press-up.

  I’d never seen anything quite so impressive, and I had to wonder whether I should suggest he went with Katie and Daisy. He was likely to be much more use than a man, namely me, who had spent most of the night shitting himself, figuratively and literally.

  The three young ladies had gone into a huddle in the kitchen and I had no idea what that was about, while Jezza and Jean were still under a blanket on a sofa in the living room—not the same sofa. I credit the people I know with more taste than to sleep with my brother.

  “Hi,” Daisy said, “are you feeling any better now?”

  “I’ve stopped requiring the lavatory quite so often now.”

  “I’m really sorry. If I’d have known …”

  “Don’t worry. I’m fine now. I am a little sore but that will pass.”

  Daisy smirked and had to put her hand over her mouth. It took me a while to understand why. Toilet humour was obviously greatly appreciated in Daisy’s house.

  “I’ve got some cream upstairs if that would help?”

  “They make a cream for what I’ve got?”

  “Well, no, it’s just an antiseptic cream but it might help.”

  “I’ll give it a miss, thanks, Daisy.”

  “OK, well, I’m sorry anyway. . .” She seemed on edge and I didn’t blame her. I wasn’t looking forward to today’s trip one little bit. The prospect of smashing my head on the roof of the tractor until we got somewhere that Zombies were likely to be inhabiting, and who would like nothing better than to rip me to shreds, wasn’t the kind of scenario that was conducive to enjoying breaking one’s fast, but, after the night I’d had, where the food I’d eaten had passed through me like a high-speed train through a very short tunnel, I was ravenous, so I made sure to try not to think about what lay ahead.

  “Are you OK, Daisy. You seem a little distracted if you don’t mind my saying so.”

  “I’m nervous, Frank. I’ll be fine once we get back safe and sound.” She nibbled on the corner of a piece of dry toast.

  “Fingers crossed.” I shoved half a sausage into my mouth and chewed.

  “Let’s hope we don’t have to rely on superstition to get us through this.”

  “Im-meed,” I said with my mouth half-full. I finished chewing and swallowed. “I meant indeed.”

  That brought the tiniest chink of a smile to Daisy’s face.

  “Frank?”

  I turned to see Penny, Katie, and Jules standing in a row behind me, all three with serious faces. It looked like I was about to find out what their little conflab in the kitchen had been about.

  I stood and turned to face them.

  “Good morning.”

  Penny didn’t waste any time getting to the point.

  “Listen, Frank. We’ve been talking. I know you mentioned heading off up north yesterday, where was it again?”

  “Charlecomb House. Near Alnwick.”

  “Yeah, that’s it. Well, we don’t want to go there. We want to go to London.”

  “Why?”

  “Because we know a few people down there and if they’re still alive we think there’s a better chance of surviving down there rather than right up there.” She pointed downwards and flicked her chin up which I took to mean south and north, respectively.

  “But what about your parent’s, Katie?”

  “We’re going to call in there on the way.” Katie had her arms crossed and didn’t look like she was in a mood for any debate.

  I looked over at Daisy. She looked worried, and I was too. The idea of three young women heading off into the unknown seemed like a very bad idea to me, bu
t then what did I know? It wasn’t my place to make choices for people.

  “I know it’s your choice and all that, and I’m sure you can look after yourselves, but do you really think it’s a good idea? We’ve seen what it’s like with the undead here in the middle of nowhere. What do you think it will be like in London?” I said, trying to be even-handed. I feared for their safety. “I mean who knows what sort of people will be around. There are bound to be survivors but what sort of people will they be?”

  “We don’t know, Frank, but then you don’t know who you’ll come across heading north do you?” Penny said.

  “That is true, but at least with eight of us we have a bit more strength in numbers.”

  “I get that but we’re going anyway. No disrespect to any of you guys, but we think there is more chance of us surviving in London, than there is with a bunch of middle-aged old farts heading north. You can’t stop us.”

  I considered what she said.

  Old farts. Probably.

  Middle-aged. On the way.

  I couldn’t really find an argument to stop them even if they wanted to be persuaded.

  “Have you told everyone else? I know Jean will be sad to see you go.”

  “We have. They all tried to persuade us not to, but …” Penny stopped talking, dragging the word out.

  “But what?” I was starting to get concerned now.

  “But Jean, Brian, and your brother agreed with us and want to come too. We were hoping to persuade you and Daisy to come as well.”

  “I’m not going.” Daisy pushed her chair back over the stone-tiled floor and stood. “I’ve been out there. I’m not going to London. If I have to, I’ll leave on my own today, but I’m begging you girls to think again. London will be impassable.”

  By this time everybody else had roused themselves to stand around the table looking at me guiltily.

  “You all think the same?” I stood and leaned on the table with my knuckles down. It hurt, so I stood up straight with my arms crossed instead.

  Everybody else besides Daisy nodded or mumbled their affirmation.