Ignite

by Holly S. Roberts

  I’m on my third beer and second game when Sofia walks downstairs. Beth follows with Carson in her arms. She has dark circles under her eyes and I’m fully aware she needs an undisturbed night’s sleep even though she slept in the car. She gives me a weary smile and follows Sofia into the kitchen. She never complains and I’m ashamed that I can’t chance holding the baby and give her a break.

  Vampire gives a low whistle. “She’s one hot mamma.”

  It takes a few seconds for me to understand he’s talking about Beth. To say my hackles go up is an understatement. Doesn’t matter that I have no right to be jealous. She had a baby a week ago and the small bulge at her belly makes her sexier in my opinion. From Vampire’s words it’s his opinion too. I bend low over the table to take my shot and glance up before my stick connects with the ball. “Look at her again and I’ll cram this stick up your ass.” I’m not smiling.

  Vampire lifts his chin. “Duly noted.”

  Dax puts up with no bullshit when it comes to the club women, even the ones who live here and make their living by sleeping with the members. That’s Sofia’s influence more than anyone’s. I tuck my head and make the next three shots, sinking the eight ball last. “I believe we’re even. Care for best two out of three?”

  Vampire rubs his chin. “You’re on, but I have the strangest feeling you’ve been holding back on your game.” He racks the balls and manages only two shots before I clear the table. I place my stick on the wall. “I’ll give you a chance to win back the bill before I leave. If you don’t have anything to bet with, put up your bike. It’s a sweet ride.”

  “You fuckin’ prick.” Vampire’s smiling when he says it.

  “As a kid, I avoided dishes by kicking my brothers’ asses on our table,” I say with a grin on my way to the kitchen because I can’t stay away from Beth.

  I walk through the swinging door to the sound of women’s laughter. Sofia is holding Carson and Beth stands over a cutting board chopping onions. Tears stream down her smiling face. The kitchen is night and day from the barely working old appliances, peeling linoleum on the floors, and cracked countertops from before. Now Spanish tile decorates the floor. There are chrome appliances, including two refrigerators and two stoves. Add in marble countertops and it’s hard to remember what the old place looked like. When Dax decided to give Sofia the kitchen of her dreams, he meant it.

  Sofia turns Carson around so he’s looking at me. His chubby cheeks are red and he’s drooling. In only a week, he’s changed. My palms grow sweaty and I mentally force myself to look away. Checking in on Beth flies right out of my head and the need to escape fills me. I meet Sofia’s eyes. “What time are you planning dinner? I’m taking a ride with Vampire.”

  She looks between me and Beth and then settles her gaze on Beth, ignoring my question. “Vampire is one of Dax’s officers. All the guys go by names they received when they gained full membership into the club. Dax is Dagger. I don’t know most of their real names.” She juggles the baby like a pro, which I guess she is. His dimpled cheeks and plump arms and legs shouldn’t affect me this way. Hell, the last thing I am is daddy material.

  Without an answer to my bogus question, I escape to the main room. Vampire is starting a game of pool with one of the other guys. “I need to check security around the property and could use a guide,” I tell him.

  “Sure.” He puts down the pool stick and signals Coke, another of the members, to follow us outside.

  The hot air hits as soon as I’m past the door. Summer’s in full swing and in a few more weeks humidity and monsoons will replace the dry heat. How people live in places like Montana is beyond me.

  “You good?” Vampire asks.

  How the fuck do I answer honestly? I don’t. “I trust the club, but for my own peace of mind I need to be sure Beth and her son are secure.” I do my best to smile. “Humor me.”

  “Understood. I’ll walk you through what we have here at the house and then we can take a ride and I’ll show you sentry locations. We can also drive by the repair shop if you need to kill a little more time.”

  Vampire totally calls me on my bullshit and I let it go. I’m escaping Beth and Carson and looking for any excuse to do it. We both know it. We walk around the compound, which has cameras covering every square foot of property close to the house. I ask a few questions and we head to the bikes. I take Dax’s old one. I’ve ridden it before. Once the hot wind hits my face, I completely understand the appeal of flying free. Dax always told me it takes the pressure off his shoulders and gives him a sense of peace.

  It does. It also makes me think about my blood family—my brothers and parents. Staying with Lincoln this past week was difficult, but it also filled a place in my heart. I honestly never thought to see him again and I’m incredibly grateful to have had the chance. With my lifestyle, death waits around every corner.

  Vampire points out the location of Dax’s men on sentry duty. I pay only half attention while my mind stays on the family I do my best never to think about. My mother’s face flashes before my eyes. The devastation in her expression when I told her I was leaving will haunt me forever. I made Andrew’s death harder on all of them by turning my back. I’ll be the first to admit I wasn’t in my right mind. Andrew’s death followed by Nick’s death took me over the top. Vengeance was all that saved me. I was incredibly selfish and now it’s too late.

  Beth would easily fit in with my parents and brothers. They would accept her with open arms. Carson would steal their hearts in seconds. My choices mean I can’t give that to Beth or to my family. I made my proverbial bed and will pay the price for the rest of my life. A volley of bullets or a knife buried in my chest will be the best I can hope for. I’ll die with blood on my hands and I’ll die alone.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Beth

  “SO YOU WANNA TALK about it?” Sofia asks after Rack escapes the kitchen like it’s on fire.

  I shrug and wipe an onion tear away with my shoulder. Even though he left as quickly as he walked in, he turned the heat up in the room by ten degrees. Is it only me who’s affected by him like this? A week postpartum and I have trouble concentrating on anything but the contoured outline of his chest beneath his T-shirt and the loose cut of his jeans that hang so sexy from his hips. Damn, I’ve seen him wearing those jeans too many times to count and I still want to slip my hands inside and cup his ass cheeks. Hormones, I tell myself for the hundredth time before turning my wandering thoughts back to Sofia. “Nothing to talk about. He feels he owes my brother a debt and for the sake of my little guy,” I say and nod at Carson. “I’m thankful he came through. I’ll never be able to repay him for what he’s done.”

  A stubborn expression replaces the gentle look Sofia had for me a moment before. “If you let that man go, your white ass is dumber than most.”

  I bark out a laugh. “You don’t pull punches do you?”

  “No time. Life’s short. Me and my man had a lot to work through before we settled in as a couple. It made us stronger. If you love Rack, you’ll find a way to keep him.” She jiggles Carson on her hip. “This little guy needs a father.”

  I don’t know how else to get the point across that Rack and I won’t work. What I say comes out sounding horrible. “He’s a criminal. I’m running from one and the last thing I need to do is raise my child with another.” I wipe another tear away and this one has nothing to do with the onions. I shouldn’t have said that, but this is not the life I want for Carson.

  Sofia looks skyward before settling her sharp gaze back on me. “The men here…the ones keeping you safe are who you’re referring to as criminals. It’s okay, I don’t take offense, and neither would they. No one’s perfect. The only difference between them and white collar criminals is money. If these guys had money to avoid prison, most would have gotten off and never served a day.” She lifts Carson a little higher and kisses the back of his head. “These men live by different rules. We’re family and they’ll protect me and my children with thei
r lives. I’d rather have them at my back than some holier than thou prick with a credit card and a fancy car. It’s a tough, dangerous world no matter which side you choose. My badass family makes it less so. You don’t want to hear this but it won’t matter where you go once you leave here. You’ll look over your shoulder for the rest of your life. The only thing that can keep you safe is a scarier man than the one who fathered this little guy. I guarantee you Rack is that man.”

  I calmly turn away, walk to the sink, and wash my hands. I plan to spin around and give back as good as Sofia is giving me. I want to tell her criminals are criminals. That everyone has a choice. Instead, I lift my hands and cover my eyes as tears overflow. “I’m sorry,” I say after turning. “I fucked up and Carson will pay for it his entire life.”

  “Buck up, sister.” She grins. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself and judging your man. He’s a good person and no one on earth will ever love you and this child like he can or keep you as safe. I know this because my man’s the same way. If you loved this Angelo guy, it wouldn’t matter who or what he was. Love is like that. You need to decide if you love Rack enough to overlook his past and make a life together.”

  I wipe my eyes, relieved that I’m not going into a tailspin breakdown. I gaze at Carson. I want him safe and like Sofia said, I doubt I’ll ever feel safe again. She’s also right about looking over my shoulder. I don’t know about her other observation. Would I have overlooked certain things if I actually loved Angelo? If he felt the same about me and I hadn’t tried to escape him, I wouldn’t know the truly horrible man he is. How do I know Rack isn’t as bad? Sofia makes it sound so easy, but it isn’t.

  I take the few steps between us and take Carson from her arms. “I’ll think about what you’ve said. Are you still willing to teach me to make your enchiladas?” I pray she’ll allow my change in subject. The last thing I want to do is insult her and her family again.

  She walks over to the window and removes a string of dried red chilies. “It’s all in the sauce, chica. I roast and dry my own chilies and the guys can’t get enough.”

  Red, one of the ladies I met earlier, walks into the kitchen. “Hand that little guy over to nanny granny. I’ll sit in here while the two of you cook.” She winks at me. “You don’t ever want to taste something I had hands in preparing.”

  We all laugh and the mood in the room lightens.

  During the next hour, we chat and prepare enough food to feed an army. Carson is ready for his dinner by the time we put several large platters of enchiladas into the ovens. Red reluctantly hands him over and I go upstairs to my temporary room to feed him and then put him down in the bassinet for a nap. I lie down on the bed, close my eyes, and try to erase Rack’s expression when he looked at Carson in the kitchen. Even I noticed the longing in his eyes. I think I understand why he hasn’t held my son. Rack is afraid of loving him. The thought breaks my heart.

  ****

  “Hey, sleepyhead,” Rack whispers and nudges my shoulder.

  I open my eyes to his beautiful face. His body is heated from the sun and his scent is filled with sweat and musky man. Without thinking, I lift my hand and run my fingers across the three crosses tattooed on his neck. “Why?” I ask quietly, aware Carson is still asleep.

  Rack’s fingers close over mine and he brings my hand to his lips. Whereas earlier I see his longing for Carson, right now I see the same for me. “Two thieves and Jesus.” He kisses my hand again. “One thief repents and goes to heaven. The other denies and is damned to hell. When I chose my path, I knew I would never see Andrew again in this life or the next.”

  My heart breaks. I wasn’t raised with religion but it doesn’t matter. This man believes he is beyond redemption. “Are you truly a bad person, Rutherford?” He moves my hand so it covers my heart with his on top. The beat is fast beneath my palm.

  “I’m your worst nightmare, Beth. I’ve done things that would make Angelo look like a saint.”

  I lift my arm, circle behind his neck, and pull him close. He could resist, but he doesn’t. I kiss him with all the sorrow I feel. I would cleanse his soul and take away all the pain if I could.

  I relish his taste and the feel of his lips against mine. It’s my way of soothing his beast and thanking him for rescuing me and saving Carson. His strength is undeniable and so are his demons. His hands settle beside my head, caging me in. It’s only the two of us in the small piece of this world. The tender kiss lasts about a minute before Rack takes over. His mouth goes from pliant to demanding. His tongue circles inside my mouth and our world turns to lips, and tongues, and teeth. Passion explodes inside the kiss. My fingers tangle in his hair. We inhale each other’s ragged breaths and absorb the kiss into our very pores. This is more than even making love. His lips are sweltering hot and a force of nature. It’s been a week since I gave birth and my body doesn’t care. I’m on fire. He’s only touching my mouth and I’m out of breath, reduced to pants and whimpers. The sexiest growl leaves his throat. I feel the kiss to my very soul.

  The moment doesn’t last. Carson gives a short cry followed by a longer one. Rack pulls back. Our eyes remain locked. I inhale sharply when Rack runs a finger across my wet lips. “This will only hurt us both,” he says over Carson’s louder cries of distress.

  “I don’t care.” I’m angry and sad and so in love it hurts.

  His eyes search mine. “You should care, Beth. I’m not the man you need.”

  He walks away, leaving me cold and alone with a screaming Carson. I’m beginning to think that as tough as Rack appears, he runs away from his feelings. Those for his brothers, parents, me, and especially Carson. The pain he carries runs deep. Somehow I need to shatter the wall he wraps around himself and discover the man everyone tells me he is.

  Two lives depend on it.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Rack

  I TOSS MY CELL onto the single bed and clench my teeth against cussing.

  “Fuck it,” I whisper under my breath.

  Gomez just put me off again. Their so-called connection for identification dried up and they’re going another route, which is taking longer. The next step I’ve planned for Beth and Carson is solid and will keep them safe. I can’t carry out the plan without those IDs.

  I spoke to Lincoln before making the call to Gomez. There’s been no sign of trouble at Linc’s end, which seems strange. I’m relieved but nothing adds up. Dax came for us because Gimonde was closing in on my brother’s location or so Gomez said. So why wasn’t my brother paid a visit? The entire situation makes me nervous because I have no control.

  It’s been two fucking weeks since Dax took us in. Three since I asked for the paperwork. I can’t handle being in the same room with Beth. Seeing her. Wanting her. Needing her like I need to breathe. She’s always been gorgeous. Motherhood only adds to her beauty because it shines so brightly from the inside out and attracts me like a moth to a flame.

  I’ve done everything in my power to avoid the house when Carson is awake. I still hear the little noises he makes and hear Beth cooing to him in her soft, silly baby voice. She’s one thing and Carson entirely another. I want to claim him as my son. The same way my heart has claimed Beth. It’s easier to stay away. I ignore when he cries by heading in the opposite direction.

  I’m an asshole.

  It’s easier to spend my days baking in the sun and running from my feelings than facing them. I’ve been helping Vampire tear down a few bikes and replace parts at the Crow’s motorcycle repair shop right off the highway. A few days ago, he assigned me a bike that needs a lot of work for my next project. I’ve never been much of a grease monkey, but helping Vampire is better than seeing Beth. Scraping my knuckles trying to get a stubborn oil filter off is better than thinking how damn sexy she is. Her body is round and lush and looks so damn soft my cock is hard for an hour each time I see her. Showers, soap, and my hand are my new best friends. I can’t imagine what Dax’s water bill will look like when it comes in.

  Me
als are hell. After seeing Beth and Carson at the table it takes a few beers to unwind enough to sleep. And now, Sofia has decided we’re having a fucking party tonight. The club members are getting together and there’s no way I can get out of it. My patience is thin, my cock hard, and my mood trashed. I haven’t been out of control this bad since Andrew and Nick died.

  The music is blasting in the main room and the walls actually thump to the heavy rock beat. Drunk bikers should improve the situation. Not. I pull a T-shirt over my head, tie my shit kickers, and head out. I know there are club members working the perimeter. I’ll hang for a few and then replace someone.

  I turn the corner of the hallway and enter the main room filled with a bunch of rowdy bikers. They’re already wound up and by the looks of it, drunk or heading there with a vengeance.

  “Hey, Rack, get over here and have a shot,” Vampire shouts. He’s standing at the bar with a few of his brothers. One of them moves slightly and I see Beth behind the bar. She twists off a bottle cap and slides the beer to one of the guys.

  Holy mother fucking shit. She’s wearing some kind of halter top and her breasts are nearly exploding. Thank God I can’t see what she has on below the top or I think my dick would detonate right now. Her breasts filled out more after Carson’s birth but this is ridiculous. I would give anything to slide my dick between them and get off.

  My fantasy comes to an end when one of the guys places a hand over Beth’s. I take a step forward. Beth quickly slides her hand away and turns her back. My eyes shift to the guy who touched her. The guy I may need to kill. He’s a big motherfucker and has only been with the Desert Crows for a few months. He came from another club in Cali. It doesn’t help that I haven’t liked him since Dax introduced us. It was something in his eyes—calculating and cold. I’ve seen it before and it’s always ended badly. My hands tighten into fists at my sides. My attention turns to Vampire, who’s staring at me. He’s wearing a damn smirk because he knows I’m close to losing my shit. During the hours we’ve worked on bikes, he throws a verbal jab whenever he can about giving my dick relief.