Heartfelt Lies

by Kristy Love

  “What?”

  “Jax. He still loves you.” Leave it to Roxie to read my mind.

  “How would you know this?”

  “He called when you were holed up in your room. I talked to him. He’s a pretty awesome guy.”

  “What did he say?”

  “He said he’s going to wait until you’re ready. He knows your life is a mess right now, but he’ll wait.”

  “What? How’d he know?”

  “Did you forget that Ry was at the wedding?”

  No, I hadn’t forgotten. Nolan and I had fought over inviting Ry. He said I was holding onto a past that was dead. I said Ry was my friend and I wanted her there. Ry and I had kept in casual contact over the years. We talked a few times a year, though we had some unspoken rule not to mention Jax. Part of me wondered if I invited her so word would get back to Jax. Maybe I wanted to stop myself from marrying Nolan. “I’m scared.”

  Roxie rested her hand on top of mine again. “I’d think you were a fool if you weren’t. You have a lot of piecing together to do, but you aren’t alone. You have me and Mom. Anne also has a million questions, but she’s here for you, too. When you’re ready, we’ll be here, every step of the way.”

  “I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to jump right into things with Jax. I have a relationship to officially end, a son to take care of, and a life to figure out.”

  “I’m pretty sure leaving him at the altar effectively ended the relationship.” She cocked an eyebrow at me. “But you do need to talk to him. He actually stopped by, but Mom chased him away. Be honest with him. He deserves that much.”

  I nodded. We had both finished eating so we paid the bill and left the restaurant. I was too lost in thought to talk more.

  My first step was to talk to Ben. He was the guy I had to be most loyal to.

  MY MOM BROUGHT Ben home from camp. I was sitting on the couch, waiting for them. When he saw me, he ran at me and climbed into my lap.

  “Momma. Do you feel better?” he asked. I kissed his head and guilt twisted my heart.

  “I do, baby. Thank you for being such a good boy.”

  “Gram told me I’ve been a very good boy.”

  “I heard. Want to go outside and play with me before dinner?”

  “Yeah!” He hopped off my lap and led me outside. I smiled at my mom and she smiled back and nodded. I had called her earlier and apologized to her for checking out. She said she was just glad I was okay now and that she was here for me for anything I needed.

  Outside, we climbed the ladder and went down the slide and pushed each other on the swings. When we settled into the sandbox, I figured I’d delayed the talk long enough.

  “Ben, I’m sure you know things have changed.”

  “Yeah, you aren’t going to marry Nolan anymore.”

  “You’re so smart. How’d you get so smart?”

  He looked up at me, his big blue-green eyes locking onto mine. He may be only seven, but he was a smart, intuitive little boy. “You, Momma.”

  I pulled him into me and squeezed him. “I’m so lucky to have you, you know that? You’re a pretty amazing kid.”

  “That’s what Gram told me.”

  “It’s true.” I kissed his head, breathing in his scent of sunshine, dirt, and all things little boy. “How do you feel about Momma and Nolan not getting married anymore?”

  “I’m okay with it. I just want you to be happy.”

  My heart melted into a complete puddle. I don’t know how I had ended up with such an amazing son, but I had him and I loved him so much. He deserved the world and I wished I had the means to give it to him. “Are you sad?”

  “A little.”

  “I’m sad, too.”

  “I thought Nolan was going to be my daddy.” I blinked back tears. He was such a sweet boy. He deserved to have a daddy want him. I wished I could find one for him, one who deserved him. Nolan was amazing with Ben, but Roxie was right, I would have been completely miserable with him. I was struck speechless by his words and the giant lump that had taken root in my throat. “But I still have you, right?”

  “Always, baby. Always.” I kissed his head again and held him tight.

  We spent the next hour playing outside. I wanted him to feel really loved, especially with everything that was going on and my own disappearance.

  I hoped some day he could forgive me for taking away his chance at having a dad.

  I WAS A fool. A complete fucking fool. Shit. I smoothed my green dress as I rushed across the street and into the restaurant.

  I was meeting Nolan and I had worn the dress he loved the most, though I was still trying to figure out why. It wasn’t that I was trying to get him back or that I wanted to show him what he was missing, but I felt the urge to look nice for him. And that made me want to punch myself in the face.

  Inside, I saw him at a table, waiting. In that moment, I wanted to tell him that we could start all over. We could stay engaged and be together and we’d find a way to be happy. There were times when we were happy. We had so many good times. We’d taken Ben on vacations and spent time together. He remembered my birthday and our anniversary and he would come home with random gifts. Sometimes it’d be my favorite candy bar or some flowers. He’d take Ben out to a park or something to give me time to myself and he held me when I cried.

  I did love him. I loved him a lot. But if I stopped lying to myself, I’d remember how there were times I felt suffocated by him. It felt as if he was trying to prove to me that I loved him enough and he loved me enough. We were comfortable together, too comfortable. We never fought because we didn’t care enough to fight. I didn’t care enough to fight. Anything he did that annoyed me, I’d just roll my eyes and walk the other way. Instead of wanting to be touched by him, I often wanted to be left alone.

  Seeing Jax brought it all to my attention. I’d been brushing it under the rug, not making it a big deal. When I saw Jax, I remembered how much passion I felt for him and realized that same passion was missing from my relationship with Nolan. And that’s what I wanted. I wanted passion and to feel like I had found the other part of my heart. Nolan just wasn’t that part for me.

  I walked over to the table, wishing I didn’t have to do this. But I did.

  “Hi, Nolan,” I said. I went to move around the table to sit down, but he grabbed my arm, stood, and pulled me into a hug.

  “Hi.” His hands pressed me close and I wanted to back away. I didn’t want to be this close to him. He pulled away and motioned to the chair on the other side of the table. “Please, sit.”

  I hoped he didn’t think that since I called him and told him I wanted to meet so we could talk that we were going to stay together. This was going to be awkward, but that would make it even worse. I sat and opened my menu, not wanting to look at him.

  “You look beautiful,” he said. “You know I love the way that dress looks on you.” He smiled at me, grabbed my hand and held it. I smiled, though it was insincere and pulled my hand away.

  “Thank you. How are you doing?”

  He shrugged. “I’d like to lie and say I’m doing well, but that’s not the case.” I nodded, hating that I did this to him. “I don’t want to sit here and pretend my heart isn’t broken and that I’m not holding out hope, so I’d like to know what happened.”

  “I’m sorry, Nolan. I really, really am. I never meant to hurt you.”

  “I know you didn’t.” He reached over and linked our fingers together and it all felt wrong. His skin on mine, the way his fingers were just slightly too big for my fingers to fit around, that there was no thrill with the contact. “We can stay engaged a little longer. I’m sorry I rushed you to get married, I just wanted to make it official.” A waitress came to take our order, but Nolan told her to give us some time.

  “I understand that,” I said, separating our hands. He immediately looked defeated. “I think we were both fooling ourselves.”

  “I love you, Cassie. That hasn’t changed.”

  �
�I love you, too, Nolan. I do, but I’m not in love with you.”

  “I’ll treat you right, take care of you and Ben, I’ll do whatever it takes.”

  “Don’t you want more than that? Don’t you want more than that kind of relationship? That kind of love? Because that’s all I can offer you. I can’t promise that you will be my one great, true love.”

  “I just want you. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

  “I know.” A lump lodged itself in my throat. “I’m so sorry, Nolan. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  “You keep saying that,” he said. He tried to sound harsh, but betrayal and hurt bled through. I could tell he was really struggling.

  “I mean it. I’m not sure what else to say.”

  “What happened? You were excited to marry me and seemed in love with me one minute and then the next I was being left at the altar.”

  I debated whether to tell him the truth or not. I was afraid it would hurt him more if he found out Jax had been there that day, but at the same time, I was sick of lies. I had been lying for so long and it was time to stop. “Jax showed up.”

  Nolan jerked back in his seat as though I shot him. “What?

  “I was in the bridal suite getting ready to walk down the aisle and he showed up.” Nolan looked at me, confused. I could see the hurt and anger simmering in his eyes and I hated it. I hated breaking his heart and I hated hurting him and I wanted to make it better. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t continue lying to both of us. I had lied to myself way too many times and for too many years. It was time to be honest with myself. “He told me he still loves me, that he wanted to be with me.”

  “So you’re leaving me for him?”

  I shook my head. “I’m not leaving you for him. I’m leaving you for me.” He stared at me, blinking rapidly, his mouth hanging open, as though he didn’t know how to respond. He didn’t know what to think or say. I didn’t either because it was harsh. It wasn’t an easy reality to face. But it was the reality we were both in, whether we wanted to be or not.

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  Tears slipped free from my eyes. “I don’t know what to say either.” We looked at each other for a long time, tears sliding down my face and Nolan fighting back his own emotions. In that moment, I wished things could be different. I wished Jax would have never stumbled into my life and turned it upside down. I wished I could be happy with Nolan and that would have been enough. But it wasn’t. It never would be enough. “Oh, you’ll probably want this back.” I slid my engagement ring off my finger and placed it in his palm with a puny smile. He looked heartbroken all over again and I figured I had said what I needed to say and it was time to go. Standing, I said goodbye to Nolan and I left the restaurant.

  I had no idea where my life was headed from here, but I finally was taking control. I was no longer a passenger in my own life, I was taking charge and doing the things I needed and wanted to do to make myself happy. As long as I did that, my life would be okay.

  TONIGHT WE WERE going out. With how short-staffed we’d been at work, I couldn’t take a Saturday off until the middle of November. In the past few weeks, they’d hire two new waitresses, so I was finally able to request a day off. Jax suggested I take a weekend off so we could go out. He wanted to celebrate his birthday, finally, even though his birthday had been a couple of weeks ago.

  I wasn’t sure how I would have made it through this last month without Jax. He had been over a lot to watch Ben while I worked so it wouldn’t all fall on Maria’s shoulders. I had worried he was missing too many classes, but he said he’d figure out a way to make up the time. I was too overworked to think about it. I was just thankful I had people to watch Ben while I worked like a dog. Jax even took Ben trick or treating. I hated that I couldn’t be there, but I needed the extra shifts. With Christmas coming up, I needed to stash as much money as I could. In the past, I’d only had a little bit of money to buy Ben presents with. Most of the stuff had been from friends and coworkers who were getting rid of stuff. I hated that my baby boy had to settle for used items all the time.

  But this year would be different. I had my eye on a really nice, though expensive, train table. It came with a long track and several trains that he didn’t already have. Even if he had them, he’d love them. I needed every extra penny I could stockpile to afford this table, so the extra hours were a painful necessity.

  Jax had organized our entire evening. He had talked to Maria and made sure she would be okay to watch Ben while we went out. He’d made plans with his roommate and we were meeting him later that evening. All I’d had to do was make sure I had the night off work.

  Jax had invited Dylan along. I hadn’t met Dylan yet, but Jax had gotten pretty close with him over the last month. Since I was working so much, he ended up hanging out with Dylan while I was working if he wasn’t watching Ben.

  I got ready while Jax was playing with Ben in the other room. He’d been spending more time with us lately. In fact, he insisted on being around on laundry day so I didn’t have to carry the heavy hamper anymore, and he played and hung out with Ben all the time. It was like Ben had the father figure I’d always wanted him to have.

  I walked down the hall to grab something from the kitchen and stopped in my tracks, observing the scene in the living room. Jax was lying on the floor and Ben was lying next to him with his head on Jax’s arm. They were watching a kid’s TV show. What was amazing about it was Jax was actually watching with Ben. He wasn’t pretending, but he was laughing when something was silly and answering the questions the characters asked. When Jax would laugh, Ben would laugh as hard as he could, even if it was apparent he didn’t get the joke.

  He was copying Jax because he loved him.

  At that moment, the last part of my heart that was holding out ended up lying at Jax’s feet. I was in love with him. I loved him so much it hurt.

  Jax must have felt me staring at him because he looked up at me then and smiled. I smiled back, just taking him in. For someone who was twenty-one and no prior experience with kids, he was amazing with Ben, and that was all I could ask.

  “I’m almost ready to go,” I said, trying to contain the emotions swirling inside of me. “What time do we need to leave?”

  Jax checked the watch on his wrist. “In about twenty minutes. Is that enough time?”

  I nodded and went back into my room, completely forgetting what I had been going into the kitchen for. I sat on my bed and fought back tears. Not because I was sad, but because this was everything I had always wanted. I wanted someone to love me and my son. I had wanted someone to complement my life and I had found that someone in Jax. Sometimes I wanted to pinch myself because he seemed too perfect. I had never in a million years expected someone to step into Ben’s life the way Jax had, or someone who would treat me so wonderfully. For a long time, I thought I wasn’t worthy of it. After the way my family and Ben’s father had discarded me, I thought I would always be alone and no one would want anything to do with me.

  Now, though, I had someone as amazing as Jax and I couldn’t be happier. Sure, it was a lot of work to balance a relationship, Ben, work, and maintain my small apartment, but my life felt so full. My heart felt so full. I wouldn’t change a thing.

  As I sat there, fighting back emotions, Jax came in and sat next to me. “What’s wrong?” He ran his hand over my hair.

  “I just love you so damn much,” I said.

  Jax smiled at me, a very soft smile, and he moved his lips close to my ear. “I love you, too, Cassandra. So much.” Tears escaped my eyes. Jax’s smile fell and his brows furrowed. “I didn’t say that to make you cry.” He brushed tears off my cheek.

  “I’m not sad, Jax. I’m so happy. I’m so happy that I have you and I love you and Ben loves you and it just feels . . . right.”

  “That’s because it is right, babe. I love you and I love Ben.”

  My heart filled so full that it hurt. I turned and pushed Jax back on the bed, kissing him so fier
cely I was afraid our lips would be bruised and swollen all night. His hands trailed down my back until he cradled my ass, pulling me closer to him. A groan escaped from deep in my throat and I pressed hard into him. I needed him in ways I had never needed anyone before. At that moment, I wished the apartment was empty and we had nowhere to go. I wanted to spend time with Jax and make him feel as amazing as he made me feel.

  A loud laugh from the living room caused Jax to pull away. His chest heaved as he looked at me, his eyes hooded and full of desire. “Ben’s out there.”

  “I know. I just got lost.”

  “I’m always here to get lost with you.” He sat up and helped me stand before turning to leave the room. “Now get your sexy ass ready.” He slapped my butt and left the room.

  I took a few deep breaths to calm my heart, my breathing, and my desire. I couldn’t go out wanting Jax this much. I would end up pressed against a dirty bathroom stall.

  Damn, that was the wrong image.

  I went back to fixing my hair and tried to think innocent thoughts. Like about what the characters on Ben’s show were doing.

  It worked. Mostly.

  SINCE WE KNEW we’d be drinking, we had called for a cab. Dylan, his date, Cara, Jax, and I were all piled in and on our way to the club. Jax and I sat in the back, holding hands and listening to Cara ramble on. Apparently, she had gotten her nails done, left the salon, and immediately broken one of the acrylic nails off. Instead of having them fix just the one nail, she’d demanded they fix all ten fingers. For free. Somehow, she had convinced them. I had my suspicions that she convinced them because she was a raging bitch, but that was all assumption. Jax was running his thumb over the back of my hand, sending tingles up my arm. It was hard to concentrate on Cara when Jax was touching me. Hell, it was hard to focus on anything when Jax was touching me.

  We pulled up to the club and everyone climbed out. Jax hooked his arm around my neck and led me toward the entrance. Once we were inside, we made our way to the bar. Cara ordered a buttery nipple and I ordered a margarita. Dylan and Jax ordered a couple shots of whiskey. I raised my eyebrows as I watched them quickly down the shots, then order beers. I had never seen Jax drink before and he seemed like a pro. He didn’t even wince at the burn from the alcohol.