Heartfelt Lies

by Kristy Love

  Cassandra: I miss you.

  Jax: I miss you, too.

  Cassandra: I hate feeling like we’re falling apart.

  Jax: I’m sorry.

  Cassandra: Can we hang out tomorrow?

  Jax: Maybe.

  Cassandra: Are you busy?

  Even with the fuzzy feeling in my head, I felt the desperation in her words bleed through the screen. I’d love to hang out with her, but I was afraid my hangover would be too bad and she’d be able to see right through me. As much as I wanted to see her, I hated for her to see me this way. I wanted to be her Prince Charming, not a drunken mess for her to fix. And that’s what she’d want to do; she’d want to fix me or help me. I wasn’t sure if it was possible, or if I even wanted her to.

  Jax: No. I just got into bed.

  Cassandra: Want to come over?

  Jax: I can’t.

  Cassandra: Oh . . . I guess I should let you go. I love you.

  Jax: Love you, too.

  I fell asleep, still holding my phone, with my self-hatred reaching an all-new low.

  IT WAS THE day after the party. Dylan banged on the door until he woke me up to drive us back to our dorm. I got a shower and some fairly clean clothes, then headed over to Cassandra’s. Her texts the night before had made me sad. I wanted to fix it.

  I smoked three cigarettes during the fifteen minute drive to her place. My head was pounding. I had a beer before leaving in the hopes it would help lessen the hangover. So far, it’d failed. Maybe I’d take Cassandra and Ben out to breakfast. Greasy food almost always helped. A quick look at the dashboard clock confirmed it was two in the afternoon. Fuck. Maybe I could take them out to a late lunch.

  When I got to her building, I climbed out of my truck finishing my cigarette before heading up to her apartment. I knocked on her door and ran a hand through my hair. The door opened slowly and Cassandra stood in front of me like a breath of fresh air.

  “Hi,” I said. My voice was hoarse and I cleared my throat.

  “Jax, hey. I wasn’t expecting you,” she said. She leaned against the door, not inviting me in. As I stood there, she studied me carefully.

  “Yeah. I woke up and figured it’d be good to see you. It’s been a few days.”

  “It has.” Her curt answers were a huge clue that I’d fucked up.

  “Do you want to go out and get lunch or something?”

  “It’s after two in the afternoon. Ben is sleeping.”

  I looked down at the floor and ran my hand over my hair. “I’m sorry.” I looked up at her and her eyes were hard. “I should go.”

  “You don’t have to go, but I think I at least deserve to know what the fuck is going on, Jax.”

  I sighed. “I’ve been struggling after losing my mom. I’ll try and do better.”

  She nodded, though the look on her face was full of disbelief. She pressed her lips into a thin line and swung the door open more. “Want to come in?”

  Relief washed over me. I hadn’t realized how much I wanted to spend time with her until the possibility that she’d turn me away had been presented. “Yeah,” I said, nodding. She stepped back and motioned with her arm to come in. My eyes swept over her apartment, finding everything the same. I had no idea why that surprised me. Maybe because I felt so different.

  “I was going to watch a show while Ben’s asleep. You can watch with me if you want.” Cassandra said.

  “Sure.”

  She nodded and sat on the couch. I sat down as well, but on the other side. I didn’t know how to deal with this reality or with how standoffish she was being. She turned the TV on and put on a reality show that I didn’t recognize. I’d watch paint dry if it meant I could spend time with her. I hated the constant tug of war that I went through—wanting to be here with her, yet also wanting to drink to be numb.

  After twenty minutes had passed she sighed and swung her legs up on the couch, tucking them underneath her. I peered over at her. Her attention was on the TV, her chin resting in her palm. She was completely engrossed in the action on the screen.

  Her profile was stunning. Somehow I had forgotten how beautiful she truly was. Not because she was perfect, but because of her imperfections. The slight bump on the bridge of her nose. How her bottom lip was fuller than her top lip. I couldn’t stop staring at her. I wanted to reach over and touch her. I wanted to close the distance between us, both physically and emotionally.

  “Cassandra,” I said.

  “Hm?” she answered, not looking over at me.

  “Come here.” She eyed me over her shoulder and I motioned her closer. I wanted to hold her, desperately. She regarded me warily, but eventually conceded and moved closer. I tucked her into my side and buried my face in her hair. “I’m so sorry. I know I’m not myself. I do love you.”

  Her hand went to my stomach and rubbed it slightly. “I understand. It’s just hard. I love you and I hate this feeling. I want to help you, but I don’t know how.”

  I kissed the side of her head. “Just be you. That’s all I need. I just need you to be you.”

  She laughed softly. “I can do that.”

  “Then everything will be okay.”

  She nodded and lifted her face to me. The vulnerability and emotion in her eyes almost undid me. I leaned down and pressed my lips against hers. The kiss started slowly, as though we were exploring each other for the first time ever. Her hands went to my hair as she deepened the kiss, sliding her tongue into my mouth. I groaned. It had been so long since I felt her lips on mine and her body against me that I wasn’t sure how strong I could be.

  She pushed me back on the couch and straddled me. “I’ve missed you, Jax. I’ve missed you so much. I need to feel you. I need to know you’re here. With me.”

  “I’m here with you, babe. Always.”

  She crashed our lips together and her hands moved over my body angrily, as though she was punishing me. I took every bit of retribution she dished out. Her hands ripped my shirt over my head before she pushed me flat on the cushions. Her hands rubbed over my stomach and chest before she scored me with her nails. It was painfully pleasurable and I couldn’t fight the gasp that escaped me. She looked at me, her eyes swimming with desire and I nodded. I’d be whatever she needed me to be. If she needed to take out her insecurities and fears on my body, I’d let her.

  Before long, she pulled me up off the couch and dragged me back to her bedroom. She closed the door, locking it before turning and shoving me down on the bed. Before she climbed back on top of me, she yanked my jeans down, then she pulled her own off. She straddled my hips and took her own shirt off.

  “I need you, Jax. I need to know that you’re here with me. I need you to remind me that it’s the two of us, always,” she said.

  I didn’t need to be told twice. I rolled over and tucked her under my body, pulled her panties to the side and drove inside her. She bit back a scream and pushed her head back into the mattress. “Faster, Jax. Harder.” I listened to her. Every time I thought I was moving fast enough, hard enough, she begged for more. Nothing seemed to be good enough, until I had sweat dripping off my forehead and was grunting with every thrust. Finally, she came undone with a loud scream, digging her nails into my back. My control broke and I exploded inside her. I buried my face in her neck and groaned.

  She would be the death of me.

  I rolled off of her and she put her clothes back on. “I’m going to go check on Ben,” she said when she was dressed. I nodded and she opened the door, slipping out into the hall. I pulled a blanket over me; I didn’t want Ben to walk in and see me naked on his mother’s bed.

  I didn’t make it much longer before I fell asleep, surrounded by the smell of Cassandra.

  SINCE JAX CAME over unexpectedly, things were going better. He was around more, though he still seemed somewhat distant. It made sense that he still needed time to deal with his mom being gone. Ryanne and Will had tried to contact him, even going so far as to stop over at my place, but he somehow always avoi
ded them. Hearing his sister out would help him feel better, if only he’d talk to her, but I had to watch him try to piece things together on his own.

  Ben was glad Jax was around again, too. He liked playing with Jax, and Jax kept him amused. Jax was watching Ben again while I worked. He wasn’t watching him as often, but today he wanted to hang out with Ben. I felt that I should let Maria watch Ben, but I couldn’t put my finger on why, so I ignored it. I figured it was just overactive mom intuition.

  The day before, I’d worked a double on almost no sleep, which was a mother’s nightmare. My day from hell finally dragged to an end and I made it home. Jax showed up and actually spent the night. I was amazed. It had been weeks since he had done that, and it was so good to sleep cuddled up with him and feel him next to me. He had class today, so he left. I had told him when we spoke on the phone the day before that I had laundry to do and to bring his clothes over with him. He mentioned that he never went to Ry’s house to wash clothes anymore and I knew he was running out of clean laundry, so I figured I’d help him out.

  At the laundromat, I loaded a washer full of light colored clothes and was straightening out Jax’s jeans to put them in a washing machine. I heard change rattling in his pockets and chuckled. It figured. He probably just scooped the clothes off the floor and didn’t even go through them. I went through all his pockets, making sure there wasn’t anything in there that shouldn’t go through the washer. I didn’t want a pen to explode and ruin an entire load.

  I reached into a pair of jeans and got a handful of crumpled plastic. Furrowing my eyebrows, I pulled it out, wondering what the hell was in his pocket. In the palm of my hand were three small baggies. Two had pills in them. One had white powder. My eyes widened in realization. I shoved the baggies in my pocket and looked around, hoping no one had seen me with drugs in my open palm. I quickly checked the rest of Jax’s clothes before shoving them in and starting the machine.

  Those clothes couldn’t wash any quicker. I was afraid to throw the baggies away. What if someone found the drugs and the police dusted for fingerprints? What if someone saw me dump them in there and that lead them back to me? I didn’t want to get in trouble just for washing clothes.

  My stomach churned as I swapped the clothes from the washer to the dryer. Why did he have drugs in his pocket? Was he using drugs? I tried to think hard. Had I seen any indication that he was on anything? Sometimes his eyes were a little bloodshot, but that could be from lack of sleep, right? I never noticed him acting high or anything. A few times he had smelled like alcohol, but that certainly wasn’t illegal. It wasn’t drugs. Maybe I was lying to myself, though. Had I missed the signs?

  Instead of folding the laundry there, I shoved it back in the hampers. I felt as though my pocket was on fire.

  Once everything was loaded in the car, I drove home, constantly checking my mirrors. I had never been around drugs before. Sure, at some of the high school parties, kids did drugs. But I never did and I avoided them. I didn’t want something like that smearing my dad’s campaign. I also didn’t want to be addicted to anything.

  When I pulled into my building’s lot, Jax was just parking. He hopped out of his truck and came over. I had no idea he was coming over, but I was glad he was here. We definitely needed to talk. Now.

  He helped me carry the hampers up to my apartment. I left them in the living room.

  “Ben, want to watch a Thomas the Train video?” I asked.

  “Yes!” he yelled, hopping from one foot to the other. I put a video in and turned the volume up a little bit. Jax raised his eyebrows as I grabbed his hand and hauled him back to my room. A grin curled his lips.

  “Can’t wait for Ben to go to sleep?” he asked, leaning down and kissing my neck. Normally, that would turn me into putty in his hands. Not today, though. I shoved him back and reached in my pocket, pulling the baggies out. When he saw what was in my hand, his face blanched. “Shit.”

  “Yeah, shit. Do you want to tell me why the fuck these were in your pocket?” I wanted to throw the drugs at him. I was so fucking angry that he put me in this position.

  “It’s not what you think.”

  “It’s not what I think? Then what should I think, Jax? That you have drugs in your pocket. Your mom just died from an overdose and now you’re going to tell me you have drugs in your pocket and that you’re using? Do you have a death wish?”

  “I’m not using it, Cassandra.”

  “Of course not. Is this where you tell me that you were holding them for a friend? Where you tell me you have no idea how those could have gotten in your pocket? What about telling me those weren’t your pants? Maybe they were Dylan’s? I mean, you set the stage for that one, too, didn’t you? You told me he was a drug dealer. Maybe I should have seen this coming.”

  He ran a hand through his hair as I fumed. I wanted him to say something so I could yell at him more. I wanted him to tell me the truth so I could calm down. “Those are mine,” he said, pointing to the baggies in my hand. I dropped them on the floor. Somehow hearing him admit they were his made them feel like they were on fire. I didn’t expect him to be honest. “I’m not using drugs, I just distribute them.”

  “What the fuck is that even supposed to mean, Jax?”

  “It means Dylan sets up the deals. He finds out what the person wants, what the person will pay, and where I’m supposed to go to meet up with them. I hand over the drugs and get the money. I don’t use them. I don’t want to use them. It’s just money.”

  My eyes widened. Somehow, this felt worse than him being a drug user. “You deal drugs?” I screeched.

  “I don’t deal. I distribute.”

  “You do realize that’s just semantics, Jax, right? You take drugs from one place to another, hand them over, and get cash. That sounds a hell of a lot like dealing to me.”

  He sighed and scrubbed his hand over his face. “I didn’t have a choice.”

  “You have a job! What the hell are you talking about?”

  “When my mom lost her job, I wasn’t making enough to help her make rent. Dylan offered to help me out, so I took him up on it. I made more money helping Dylan out than I did at the gas station.”

  “So this is another of your lies?”

  “It’s not a lie. It’s an omission of truth.”

  “Fuck you, Jax,” I spat. “Fuck you. You think you’re so smooth. You always have an answer to everything. An omission of truth is a fucking lie! Don’t you see that? It’s the same fucking thing!”

  “Cassandra, calm down,” he said, stepping closer. He reached out to me.

  “Don’t you touch me. Don’t you touch me.” I stepped backward. “What if we were in the car and the police pulled us over? What if they’ve been following you? What if you’re on their radar now? I could get in trouble for exposing my son to someone who has drugs! Did you think of that?” The way his eyes widened told me he hadn’t thought of that. “Was the money worth it? Putting me at risk of losing my son?”

  “I’m not on anyone’s radar, Cassandra. It’s mostly at parties. College students looking to have a fun time, relax, unwind a little.”

  “So you distribute these drugs at parties?”

  He nodded. “Most of the time. I mean, I do take them places, but the majority of my distributing happens at parties.”

  The rage that had been simmering below the surface became fury. “So when you tell me you have something to do, you’re at a party?” He started to nod, but then he stopped, realizing the position he just put himself in. “What happens at these parties? Are you distributing your drugs or are you fucking other people? How far does this lie go, Jax?”

  “Cassandra, calm down. Seriously. It’s not like that.”

  “Then tell me what it’s like. Spin me more of your lies, Jax.”

  “I’m not lying. I go to the party, hand out some drugs, get money, and drink a few beers. That’s it. Dylan usually hooks up with a girl, but not me. Why would I want to? I have you.”

  �
�Don’t butter me up, Jax. I’m pissed. I had to sit at the laundromat with drugs, fucking drugs, in my pocket. And now I’m hearing that my boyfriend has been lying to me about going to parties. This is just fucking great.”

  He stepped even closer to me and grabbed my arms before I could step away. The feel of his arms around me and the comfort that immediately enveloped me made it hard to stay mad. I couldn’t stay mad at Jax. It seemed impossible, especially in his arms. I felt my resolve and my anger drain out of me as his hand stroked my back and his face was in my hair. His lips brushed my temple. “I’m sorry, Cassandra. I’ve been stupid and a fucking fool. I shouldn’t have lied to you and I shouldn’t be distributing or dealing or whatever you want to call it. It does put you and Ben in danger.” I nodded. Tears burned my eyes. I was so angry and so disappointed and scared. “I’ll stop, okay? I’ll tell Dylan I need to quit helping him out and I’ll get a legitimate job again. Nothing is more important than your safety and Ben’s safety. You’re right.”

  “Thank you,” I said, my throat thick with tears.

  “I’m so sorry I put you in that position.” He tilted my face up to look at him. “Do you forgive me?”

  “No more lies?” He nodded. “No more drugs?” He nodded. “I forgive you.”

  His body relaxed as he held me tighter. “I love you so much, Cassandra. I’m sorry for letting you down.”

  I wrapped my arms around him and closed my eyes. Maybe I forgave him too easily, but I wanted to believe him. I wasn’t ready to give up on him yet.

  I SHOULD HAVE known that Ry had something up her sleeve when she insisted I come to dinner tonight. It’s not that we didn’t get together regularly, it was that she was oddly specific. I couldn’t show up until Will texted me. I thought maybe they had plans, which I guess was true. They just weren’t the plans I imagined.

  Cassie stood in front of me and took my breath away. She was so beautiful, though her eyes were tired and weary. I wanted to simultaneously throw her down and devour her and pull her into my arms and hold her. Instead, I kept my distance. We sat at the table. Of course, Cassie sat next to me. I kept my chair as far away from her as I could.