by Kristy Love
Throughout dinner everyone made polite conversation, though I remained quiet. All I could think about was Cassie sitting next to me. In the same room. She brushed her hair behind her ear and I fought the urge to kiss her neck. Her laughter felt like a knife through my heart. She would turn her head toward me slightly and peek at me from the corner of her eye, trying to make it seem as if she wasn’t, but still I felt her eyes on me.
I also couldn’t stop myself from looking at her.
After dinner was done, Ry pulled me to the side. “Go talk to her,” she whispered.
“I don’t know, Ry,” I said, running my hand through my hair.
“Jaxon, listen to me. Go talk to her.” I fought the urge to roll my eyes. “Will and I can keep an eye on Ben. Take her out on the deck or something.”
I nodded. How was I going to get her out there? I was trying to come up with a reason to ask her to go outside with me when Ry, of course, solved my problem.
“Hey, Cassie. Go check out the view from our deck. Jax’ll show you,” Ry said, smiling.
“Sure,” Cassie said. Her eyes flittered toward me before skating away. She turned and walked out the door to the back deck. Ry winked at me and this time I did roll my eyes at her. She was always meddling in something.
The view from Ry’s deck was beautiful. She had a lake bordering her property and it had a small island in the middle with a cluster of trees. The sun was setting, so the sky was full of color. I rested my elbows against the deck railing, gazing out over the water. Cassie came up beside me, though she still stood a good distance away. Feeling her near me was almost enough to make my heart explode. I wanted her to talk to me so badly, but I was afraid of what she’d say.
“It’s beautiful,” she said.
“It is.” I fought to find words to say to her to convey everything I was feeling. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was for fucking everything up in the past and how glad I was to see her and how much I missed her. I missed her so much it was an ache in my gut that never went away and a hole in my heart that couldn’t be filled. If I thought about it too much, I wanted to fall into a bottle and never get back out, so I was careful with my thoughts. I avoided almost all thought of Cassie, but with her standing next to me, sharing the same air, I couldn’t avoid it. I couldn’t stop the aching pain that filled me. “How have you been?”
“I’ve been good. What about you?”
I shrugged. Right now, I wanted to go and drain every drop of alcohol from the whole state. I had to be strong, but it was hard. Being close to her without being able to touch her . . . I couldn’t take it. “I’m okay.”
“That’s good.” She scuffed the toe of her shoe against the deck. “It’s good to see you.”
That surprised me, so I turned and looked at her. My heart and lungs and breath and stomach all leapt into my throat. I cleared it and finally was able to get some words out. “Is it?”
“Yeah. I’ve missed you.”
I had to close my eyes against the pain of that sentence. I turned back to the view over the water. “I’ve missed you, too.”
“I can’t believe your sister set this up.”
I chuckled. “Really? It’s Ry. She’s a meddler.”
“That she is.”
We fell silent again as I tried to control myself. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and claim her right here, right now, but I stopped myself.
“How long are you in town for?” I asked.
“Just the weekend.”
My heart sank. “That’s nice.”
“Yeah.”
“I can’t believe how big Ben has gotten.”
“Yeah, he’s eight now.”
“Damn. Time flies, huh?”
“Yeah, it does.”
“Is he still into trains?”
She laughed, pulling my attention back to her. It wasn’t a polite laugh, but a laugh from her belly that caused her whole face to light up. My heart was on fire. “No. He’s moved on from trains. He is eight after all.”
I ran a hand through my hair. “What’s he into now?”
“Usual boy stuff. Some sports, video games, riding his bike.”
“Yeah? What sports does he like?”
“He will watch pretty much any sport, but he likes playing basketball.”
“Is he any good?”
She nodded. “Yeah, he’s pretty good.”
“That’s good. It’d be cool to see him play some time.” She nodded and I turned back out to look at the water. The awkwardness surrounding us was painful. I used to know every intimate part of her, body and soul, and now we were acting like virtual strangers.
“He’d like that.”
The setting sun caught her hair, causing it to shine. “Want to grab a cup of coffee or lunch or something this weekend? You know, to catch up before you have to head home?”
She lowered her gaze to her feet. “I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.”
“It would be just two friends, Cassie. It doesn’t have to mean anything.” I bit my tongue because it did mean something. It meant everything.
“What about Ben?”
“Bring him along or I’m sure Ry and Will would hang out with him long enough for us to get some coffee or something.” I was desperate. I didn’t want her to leave and this to be it.
“I don’t know, Jax.”
I opened my wallet and pulled out a business card. Since I worked with addicted youth, I wanted to give them a way to contact me if there ever was an emergency. I handed her the card. When her fingers closed around it, I held on, our fingertips brushing. “Those are my numbers. Call or text me. I’m free all weekend.” She slowly pulled the card out of my grasp and looked down at it. “I’m going to head in and help Ry clean up.” She nodded. I left her there on the deck, staring at the card like it held all the answers.
I wished it did.
IT WAS MONDAY and I hadn’t heard from Cassie. I spent all weekend obsessing over whether I would. I kept my phone in my hand in case she called or texted.
My phone stayed silent.
Now I was at work, doing my rounds to make sure everything was okay. I worked at an in-patient facility—something like a rehab and therapy center for teens—but sometimes the kids got into trouble, even in this completely isolated environment. We worked with emotional, behavior, and addiction problems. Most of the time the kids who were addicted had no family to help them get clean. Often, they left our care and went straight into the foster care system. We had a lot of kids come back through after they relapsed, but we did whatever we could to help them.
I walked down the hallway and noticed one of the teens sitting against the wall, his face contorted in pain and tears slipping down his cheeks. I went over to him and sat next to him.
“Are you okay, Trey?” I asked. I didn’t touch him or say anything else. Sometimes touch was too much to handle on top of everything else. Trey was one of the more difficult cases to come through the facility.
“It hurts.” I was shocked when he leaned into my shoulder and continued to cry. I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and let him get it out. Giving in to emotions was an excellent way to start relieving the darkness eating at your soul. At the young age of thirteen, Trey was all too familiar with the world of street whores, street crack, and street punks. Luckily, he was now off the streets and getting treatment. Now that he wasn’t numbed by drugs, the pain of his life and the guilt over his choices was crushing him.
I knew how that felt all too well.
After he calmed down, he sat up and wiped his face with the back of his hand. “Sorry, man.”
“Don’t do that, Trey.”
“Don’t do what?”
“Act like a hard ass. It’s okay to cry. You’ve been handed shitty cards and you’re not numbing the pain. It’s okay to let the emotions out.”
After I got clean, I realized I had been making the wrong choices. Not only with drugs and dealing, but with what I wanted to do with my life. I spent a y
ear in treatment, both in-patient and out-patient. Then, I started really working on my own life. It was a pain in the ass. I had to evaluate my past hurts and my feeling that I wasn’t good enough to stick around for. Eventually, I realized my dad was an asshole and my mom was an addict. I knew first-hand how hard it was to combat your demons, especially when their form was drugs or alcohol.
As soon as I was able, I started taking classes again. I wanted to help at-risk teens so they didn’t have to completely fuck up their lives in order to get help. I wasn’t a therapist—more an aide than anything—but I talked to the kids and helped them sort through problems any way I could. I helped them funnel their urges and emotions into constructive outlets such as sports or art. I loved what I did, though I saw myself in so many of the kids. If someone had realized the road I was going down, I wouldn’t have lost all the most important things in my life. I wouldn’t have been kicked out of school, lost Cassie and Ben, and almost lost Ry. Hell, I wouldn’t have almost lost myself.
But I couldn’t change the past, I could only go forward. If I could somehow help kids like Trey turn their lives around, then I’d do it. I’d do anything I could.
“I’m scared.”
“It’s okay to be scared. Being scared doesn’t make you less of a man, it makes you human. What you do with that fear is what determines whether you’re a man. If you allow the fear to rule you, then you aren’t a man. If you fight through the fear, then you’re brave.”
“Where do I go from here, though? My mom is in jail. My pops is gone. My grams died. Where do I go?”
This was the hardest part. These kids often had nowhere to go from here. Sometimes they went into foster care; sometimes they went right back into their old environment; sometimes they went to group homes. It wasn’t the best system, but it was the only thing we had to work with. “As of right now, you’re looking at a few more months in here. Then I’ll work with the social workers and get you the best possible placement I can.”
“Okay.” I stood up off the floor and held my hand out to help him up.
“It’s lunch. Go get some food, then it’s group.”
“Thanks, man,” Trey said. He wrapped his arms around my waist and gave me a quick hug before taking off down the tiled hallway.
This job was the hardest, most heartbreaking thing I could ever imagine, but the work was worthwhile. And helping these kids gave my life a purpose that had been missing for far too long.
SEEING JAX AT Ry’s messed me up. A lot. I had wanted to see him, badly, but at the same time, I was afraid. I wasn’t sure if it was possible to come back from what we went through. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to.
Over the years, I had researched addiction and read about triggers. What if all the memories of our time together acted as a trigger for Jax? The last thing I wanted to do was cause him to relapse. He seemed to be doing so well.
I should have called him and said I’d meet up with him while I was still at Ry’s, but the fear and uncertainty won out. I also was caught off guard by how angry I was. Any time I thought about Jax, I thought of the good times, how much I loved him, how much he meant to me. What I wasn’t anticipating was to see him doing so well and to get angry. I was angry at what he put me through. I was angry he couldn’t get clean sooner.
That was the crux of my problem: Why wasn’t I good enough to get clean for?
From Ry, I knew he didn’t get clean when I left. It took longer for him to finally straighten up. I had no idea what caused him to finally go to rehab and turn his life around. The only reason I knew he went into rehab was because Ry called me, crying, about how bad Jax was. I got off the phone with her and sobbed for hours. That was when I finally told Roxie what had happened. She was the only one who knew every detail of my relationship with Jax. Nolan knew some of it, my mom knew even less. Roxie was the only one I could trust. I knew she wouldn’t judge me.
I was at work, filing away papers and, of course, thinking of Jax. I hated that I thought of him so much. I hated that I wanted him in my life, and I hated that I wanted to forgive him. I also hated that I couldn’t.
I put the last paper away and went back out to the front desk. We had closed for the day and were finishing up the last of our work before heading home.
“Cassie, can you restock the supplies in the rooms?” Jean asked. Jean was the head of the office staff and nurses.
“Sure.” I went back and restocked the supplies the doctors had used throughout the day. I was in the last room when Jean came in and shut the door. I stopped and looked at her. “What’s up?”
“I shouldn’t tell you this, but you’re the most deserving of this information.”
“What?” Jean’s words put me on edge immediately.
“This office might be closing.”
My eyes widened in shock. “What? Why?” This practice was a well-liked and respected one, so I had no idea why we’d close. We were always ranked the number one in the area, and I’d never imagine we’d close.
“There’s conflict between Dr. George and Dr. Mayard. Dr. George said he’d rather close the practice than leave it in Dr. Mayard’s hands.”
Dr. George was older and getting ready for retirement. There were five doctors in the practice, but the other doctors were newer and Dr. Mayard had always been the one Dr. George wanted to leave the practice to. They always seemed to get along.
“They’re closing it?”
“It’s still in talks right now, but the doctors have all been fighting pretty much nonstop. Behind the scenes, of course. The other doctors are upset and claiming favoritism and Dr. Mayard is acting entitled and being a jerk to everyone. Dr. George is afraid the conflict will ruin his reputation and good name. He’d rather close up shop.”
“What about all the nurses and staff?” I asked, still in shock. “What about all the patients?”
“It’s gotten ugly, Cassie. I’m not letting the other nurses know yet. I want to see how this plays out, but I know you can’t afford to be without a job.”
“Thank you so much,” I said. All the other nurses were married or single without kids. They needed the paycheck just as much as I did, but I was glad Jean was letting me know.
“There’s another thing,” she said, lowering her voice even more. “I have a family friend who works in a pediatric office up in Fairfax. She’s the office manager up there and she’s retiring in a few months. They’re looking for someone to replace her. It’s still very quiet, but I mentioned you. I know that’d mean relocating and you have family here, but we’re talking about a minimum of five thousand dollars more a year, Cassie. That kind of opportunity doesn’t come along often and it sure as hell doesn’t come along here.”
“Wow,” I responded, dumbfounded. That kind of money could really make my life easier. I could afford to put a little money aside for emergencies and for Ben’s college. “Thank you so much.”
“They’re interested, Cassie. Really interested. I wanted to talk to you first, but they want to do a phone interview before having you come all the way up to interview in person. They want to talk to you to see if your personality would fit there.”
I sat on the doctor’s stool. “Jean, this . . . Thank you so much. This means so much.”
“Honey, I take care of my family, and I consider you family. I know how hard you work, and I know you deserve better.”
Jean’s oldest daughter had been a really good friend of mine in school. Throughout the years, I had spent a lot of time at her house. She knew how my dad had handled my pregnancy and she’d always disagreed with it. When I got the job at this office, she took me under her wing, making sure I was taken care of. I wasn’t friends with her daughter anymore, mostly because her daughter lived in Seattle, but Jean and I had become close. She loved Ben and me and had become really important to us.
“Thank you so much, Jean. There really aren’t words to express how much I appreciate you doing this for me.”
She pulled me into her arms. “It’ll suc
k to see you go, Cassie, but I have a gut feeling this’ll be a better move for you. I think you need to do this.”
I nodded, hugging her back. “It sounds almost too good to be true.”
“It isn’t, honey. You’ve worked hard for this.” She pulled back from me and tucked my hair behind my ears before gripping my shoulders. “They want to do the phone interview tonight.”
“That’s not a lot of notice.”
“I only told my friend about it at lunch, Cassie. That’s how interested they are.”
“I guess I better get home and prepare, huh?”
“You’ll do fine, honey. You’re a shoe-in.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Jean.”
“No need for thanks. Just take care of our boy.” I hugged her again and she left the room. I quickly finished stocking the tongue depressors and then grabbed my stuff to go home.
This would be a really interesting conversation with my mom and Roxie.
I HAD JUST gotten off the phone with the pediatric office in Fairfax and it had gone better than I hoped. They asked about my education and my aspirations. It seemed Jean had mentioned a lot more than just my name. She’d raved about how good a worker I was, and that meant a lot to them.
They wanted me to come up for an interview on Monday. I had no idea how to even process this. They offered to help pay for my relocation costs. If the money ended up being what they told me it’d be, there wasn’t really a way I could afford to pass it up.
I hung up the phone and went into the kitchen. My mom and Roxie had come over for dinner tonight. It wasn’t unusual, one of them was over almost every night. They said we had to make up for lost time. They were both at my kitchen table having a glass of wine and chatting. I poured a glass of my own and sat down with them. Ben was already in bed since I had gotten him to bed a little earlier. I hadn’t mentioned the interview to my mom or Roxie yet because I wanted to see how it’d go. I didn’t want to say something and get them upset for nothing, but now that this looked like a serious possibility, I figured it was time.