by Kristy Love
“That was a late phone call,” Roxie said. She swirled the wine in her glass. “A new man, maybe?”
I chuckled. “No, no man.” I cleared my throat. “That was actually a phone interview for a new job.”
“That’s awesome!” my mom exclaimed. “Tell us about it.”
“Well, it’s for an office manager and they’re actually offering closer to eight thousand more than I make right now. But the kicker is the benefits. They’re so much better, it makes it a no brainer. I’d get more paid vacation, Ben would get better health coverage, and there’s a better retirement plan. I’d have more responsibilities since I would be an office manager and not strictly a nurse.”
“What about the job you have now?” Roxie asked. I told them what Jean had told me earlier in the day and how she’d put my name in the hat for this position. They both were really surprised to find out the office was closing and really excited about this prospect for me.
“There’s a catch, isn’t there?” Roxie said. “There’s always a catch. Nothing is ever this good without there being something that makes it suck ass.”
I trained my eyes on my now-empty wine glass. “It’s in Fairfax.”
“What?” my mom exclaimed, her eyes wide.
“No fucking way,” Roxie said, shaking her head.
“I’m not sure if I can pass this up.”
“I just got you back, Cassie. I’m not ready for you to leave again,” my mom said.
“I’ve been back for five years, Mom. And like you said, this is almost too good to pass up.”
“If you move, I’m coming with you,” Roxie said. “This town is fucking dead anyway.”
I laughed. “You’re more than welcome to come with me, Rox.”
“Damn right. We’ll be sister-roommates.”
“What about me? And Ben?” my mom asked, her voice small.
“It’s only a couple of hours away, Mom. It’s not like I’m moving across the country. I think this could be really good for Ben. Sure, he’d have to switch schools, but it means more financial security.”
“It sounds like great opportunity, Cassie.” My mom sounded resigned and I hated to upset her, but there was no way I could pass this up. “I’ll miss you, but I understand.”
“You can come visit whenever you want,” I said. She smiled.
“I have another wrench to throw in this happy news,” Roxie said. My eyes went to her, wondering what she’d say. “Jax lives in Fairfax.”
I stood up and got another glass of wine. How had this not crossed my mind? Now that I was restocked with wine, I sat down and proceeded to drink it. I took several large gulps before putting it down and meeting Roxie’s eyes. “Fuck.”
“Yeah, fuck is right. I know Fairfax is a big city, but you know you’ll end up running into him,” Roxie said.
“Maybe I should bite the bullet and just talk to him. Let him know I might be moving into town.”
“You should stop avoiding him and try things with him again,” Roxie responded. I sighed. She thought whatever obstacles we faced could be overcome. She said it was destiny or fate or something and that we belonged together. I hadn’t ever known my sister to be the sappy romantic type. Apparently, I was wrong.
“I’m not trying things with him. I’ll get together with him and let him know what’s going on and we’ll go from there.”
Roxie quirked an eyebrow. “You tell yourself whatever you need to make yourself feel better, sis, but it’s not over between you two.”
“I’m still angry with him.”
My mom’s eyes followed us as though she were watching a tennis match. She sipped her wine and let us hash it out. “Be angry and then get over it,” Roxie said. She had an answer for everything.
“I don’t know how to get over it!”
“Angry fuck him and then get over it!” Roxie exclaimed. My mouth dropped open and my mom gasped. This was not something I wanted mentioned in front of my mother.
“Enough, Rox.”
“I’m just saying what needs to be said, Cassie. You love him. You love him so much that you called off your wedding.”
“I didn’t call off my wedding because of Jax. It just wasn’t the right move.”
“But Jax made you realize it wasn’t the right move.”
My mom sat forward and put her hand on top of mine. “Honey, I think it’s best you avoid Jax. He’ll only drag you down.” She smiled sadly at me.
“You’re seriously telling her to forget Jax? And everything he meant to her?” Roxie asked, incredulous.
“I am. His past has shown he’s an addict and a liar. Cassie deserves better.” My mom said all of this calmly, but it hurt. She was crushing my heart.
“But he’s different now. Even Ry said he’s doing better. Hell, not even better, he’s a different person than he was back then. I say Cass gives him one more chance, if he fucks it up, she can wash her hands of him. No more what-ifs.” Roxie leveled me with a gaze that said she was right. She probably was right. I was always asking myself what if when it came to Jax. What if he had gotten clean? What if I had hung around and helped him? What would have become of us?
I stood up and rinsed my wine glass, then put it in the dishwasher. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. You guys can see yourselves out. I had a long day and I’m going to bed.”
“Goodnight, honey,” my mom said.
Roxie just watched me, knowing that she got to me. I wasn’t giving her the satisfaction, though. I turned and left the room.
What pissed me off the most was that Roxie was right. I needed to get past whatever this was with Jax because it was eating me alive. Even if we didn’t get back together, I needed to at least see him and get some closure. It’d be better to see him on my terms as opposed to just happening upon him in the street.
With my mind made up, I sent Jax a text.
Cassie: Hey, Jax. You around?
I WAS ON a run, trying my hardest not to think of Cassie. It was impossible, but I tried. I had hoped she would contact me, but it had been a month and I hadn’t heard from her. Ryanne had asked a couple of times if I’d heard from her. The last time she also apologized, saying she’d only wanted to help. I understood. But the distance and hurt between me and Cassie was too great. There wasn’t a way to bridge that gap.
“Whoa, there, buddy,” I said. I jogged to a stop to catch my breath. I pulled on the leash to get Smokie to stop, but he pulled against my weight, wanting to keep going. This dog could run forever and be perfectly fine. It was me who had trouble keeping up with him. I perched on a rock and grabbed my water bottle. I took several long gulps before cupping my hand to make a little bowl and pouring water in it. Smokie drank from it happily, then sat and panted, waiting for me to get up so we could run again. I rubbed the top of his head and chuckled.
Smokie had come a long way since I first got him. He’d been with me about a year and he was almost a completely different dog. I was volunteering at an animal shelter a year ago when the Husky puppy first came in. He was emaciated, beaten, bloody, and afraid of everyone. His prognosis wasn’t good, but he was a fighter. He fought through broken bones, dehydration, malnourishment, and cuts and bruises. He was terrified of every single person he came in contact with so he needed special care. Something about him had called out to me, made me want to help him, so I put the time and effort in. I approached him slowly and showed him a human hand didn’t always have to hurt. I gave him treats and food from my hand to further drive that point home. I stayed with him as much as I could.
Eventually, he started waving his tail for me when I came into the shelter and then he started barking when I left. When he was given a clean bill of health and was ready to be put up for adoption, I immediately applied and they let me take him home. I’d fallen in love with the little nameless puppy that had come in so broken and had fought his way to health. I was pretty sure he’d fallen in love with me, too.
Now, a year later, he was my best friend. I had named
him Smokie as a throwback to my smoking days. I had gotten clean and wasn’t drinking or even smoking, but I missed cigarettes. I wanted his name to be a remembrance of that. It also made it easier to stay clean. There was someone who relied on me to stay true to myself. I needed to do it for me, and for Smokie.
Smokie tugged on the leash; he wanted to get moving again. “Alright. Let’s go, Smokes!” I stood and we continued our run, looping back toward my house. I had saved money for a long time for this house. I wanted enough room for both Smokie and me. He needed a yard that was spacious and I needed a place to call my own. It was off on its own, in a fairly wooded area. My closest neighbors were a five-minute car ride. I liked it this way. I liked the solitude and the privacy. I had spent so long under Ry’s thumb after getting out of rehab that I needed my independence. I needed to make sure I could keep clean on my own. I was only about twenty minutes from Ry, but she still worried. She always acted like my mother, even though she wasn’t.
After my mom’s funeral, things were strained between us. She knew I was fucking up and I wouldn’t listen to a damn word she said. I told her I knew what I was doing and she should mind her own fucking business. I couldn’t quite erase her words or the blame she placed on my shoulders. It only made shit worse for me. Because I had already accepted the blame.
When I finished rehab, I moved in with her and Will and continued my therapy and out-patient stuff. I went back and got a degree that would allow me to help out at-risk youth, and tried to rebuild my life.
Unfortunately, my life was empty. Completely desolate. I missed Cassie fiercely, but I figured she was better off without me. What did I have to offer her? The trust between us had been completely broken and I wasn’t sure if there was a way back from that.
Seeing the invitation to her wedding, though, that made me realize I had to try. Even if I failed, I had to at least tell her how I felt.
That had obviously not worked out in my favor either.
She seemed happy at Ry’s, though. At least I hadn’t completely ruined everything for her.
Back at home, I filled Smokie’s water dish and stripped my shirt off. I grabbed clean clothes and went to take a shower to wash all the sweat off.
I wanted to wash away Cassie, too, but I couldn’t. I hated that she wasn’t calling me or texting me. I wanted to know there was a chance between us, but I had effectively ruined that, too.
That was something that took a long time to deal with in rehab. I had to come to terms with the shit I had fucked up and the people I had hurt. I’d written letters to Ry and Will, apologizing for everything I had put them through. I even wrote to Cassie, though I never sent that letter. I was too afraid of opening that wound.
Maybe if I had sent it to her, I’d have a chance. Maybe if she knew how sorry I was and how much I hated what I had done to her, she’d forgive me and we’d be able to repair our relationship. Even if it was merely friendship; I was desperate for something. I wanted her in my life—badly.
I finished in the shower and dried off. As I pulled my shirt over my head, I heard my phone in the other room chime from an incoming text. I figured it was Ry checking in on me. She didn’t like going a day without hearing from me. Even though I had been clean over three years, she still worried, especially now that Cassie had come back in my life and then disappeared. She feared I’d suffer a setback.
I sighed and scrubbed a towel over my head and went out to grab my phone. I picked it up and my heart stopped in my chest. My phone said New Text From Cassie.
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
I couldn’t open the text quick enough.
Cassie: Hey, Jax. You around?
I stared at the four words for a long time. What the hell should I say? What had made her text me after all this time? I couldn’t chance opening myself up to her just yet.
Jax: Hey. Yeah. What’s up?
A few minutes passed and I couldn’t stop staring at my phone, waiting for it to show words from her again.
Cassie: Nothing. I was just thinking about you.
My heart swelled in my chest, from relief and anticipation, and fucking excitement.
Jax: I was just thinking about you too.
Cassie: Yeah? Good things, I hope.
Jax: Wondering what you were up to. How you were.
My phone went silent and I wondered if I would ever hear from her again. Was that all she wanted to do? Get my hopes up just to let them down again? I sighed and went back to my bedroom. Smokie followed me, jumping up on the bed. I lay down and picked up a book to leaf through the pages, but I couldn’t concentrate. I wanted to hear from her again. I wanted her words on my phone so I felt closer to her.
It was getting late and I had to work early the next day. I switched my phone to vibrate and crawled under the covers. Smokie curled up next to me. I rubbed his back and closed my eyes, trying to relax into sleep. My phone buzzed behind me. My eyes flew open and I rolled over to grab it.
Cassie: I’m coming into town this weekend. Ben and I are going to see Anne. Want to get together for coffee or something?
Jax: Yes. When?
Cassie: How about Saturday morning? I’ll text you Friday night to let you know which coffee shop and when.
Jax: Yeah. Sounds great.
Cassie: Goodnight, Jax.
I closed my eyes and let my breath trickle out. Maybe our gap was bridgeable after all.
I WAS SITTING in the restaurant we agreed upon, waiting for Cassie to arrive. She’d decided to meet for breakfast instead of a quick cup of coffee. I figured that was a good sign. After her text earlier in the week, I hadn’t heard from her until last night when she told me the name of the restaurant and to be there at nine. I showed up early, anxious and unsure. What the hell was going to happen?
She breezed into the restaurant, shorts showing off her tanned legs and a tank top showing off her bare arms and a hint of cleavage. Her red hair was hanging around her shoulders, and her eyes scanned the room until they fell on me. She made her way over, appearing confident and aloof. Something about her being so sure of herself made me feel uncomfortable. Was she going to yell at me? Blame me for ruining her life? Endangering her child? I straightened my spine, hoping like hell that things would go okay and I’d be able to take whatever she threw my way.
“Hi, Jax,” she said as she slid into the booth across from me.
“Hi.” I didn’t have time to say anything else before a waitress came over and took our drink order. Cassie said she knew what she wanted to eat as well, so we ordered breakfast, too. After our orders were taken and our menus picked up, Cassie sat back in her seat and smiled at me.
“How are you doing?”
“Good.” I was still nervous, unsure of what she was doing. She didn’t seem upset or anything. She seemed totally fine, in fact. “How about you?”
“I’m good. It’s nice to get away. Anne and her husband have a pool. They invited us to come up for the weekend.”
“That’s awesome. Is Ben hanging out with them?” It felt like we were in some alternate reality where nothing bad had ever happened between us and we were just . . . okay. We were friends who grabbed breakfast and caught up when we were in the same town. There wasn’t any bad history or broken hearts.
“Yeah. I can’t get him out of the pool.” The waitress came back and set coffee in front of us. Cassie poured cream and sugar in her cup and took a sip, humming when she found it to her liking. “We’re actually staying a little longer, too. I have a job interview on Monday.”
“Really? Here?”
“Yeah. It’s a better position with more money, so I figured I’d give it a shot.”
“That sounds awesome.”
She nodded her head and sipped her coffee. “Yeah. It’s not ideal. I mean, I don’t really want to move away from my sister and my mom, but if it’s the right move for Ben and me, I can’t afford not to try.”
“You have to look out for him, that’s for sure.”
“Yeah. Roxie a
lready threatened to move with me,” she said, a smile ghosting on her lips. “She said we spent too many years apart and she needed to start over anyway.”
“I bet the two of you would have a great time. You’d tear the town up.”
She threw her head back and her laughter assaulted me. I wanted to save it for when I missed her terribly. “Yeah. You don’t know Roxie. I swear, she’s a force of nature.”
I smiled. “Do you think you’ll get it? The job, I mean.”
“I’m not sure. I’m certainly qualified and I did well on my phone interview. I hope I do. It’d be a huge pay increase for me. I’d have to move, sure, but it feels like the right thing to do, you know?”
“Sure.” I sipped my coffee and watched the way her lips pursed to blow across the top of her coffee cup. She sipped it gently and put her cup down.
“I figured with the prospect of me moving back to town, it’d be better if we were on friendly terms. We might run into each other every now and then. I don’t want it to be awkward.”
My heart plummeted to my feet. My hopes crashed and burned. “Yeah. Though I live about twenty minutes out of town.”
She nodded. “It’s still a possibility, right?”
“Sure. Anything’s possible.”
We sat in awkward silence, both of us drinking our coffee and trying our hardest to avoid eye contact. Our food was delivered and I was thankful for a better distraction. We ate, only sharing pleasantries or ordering more coffee when our waitress stopped by.
The waitress brought our check and Cassie tried to grab it.
“No, I’ll pay,” I said, pulling the receipt closer to me.
“Let me at least pay for my half.” She reached for her wallet.
“No, I’ve got it. Consider it a good luck gift.”
“Seriously, Jax. I’ll pay for my half.”
“Seriously, Cassie, I’ll pay for it. Don’t worry about it.”
Anger flashed across her face. “I hate it when you call me that,” she spit out.