by Kristy Love
She smiled and squeezed my arm. “We should get together and have lunch or something. I want to meet your son.”
“That sounds great.” We exchanged numbers and made tentative plans to meet up. “Do you know which dorm is Jax’s? I’ve never actually been there.”
Her smile got tighter and something like pity crossed her face. “Sure. It’s three doors down on the left,” she said, pointing down the hallway.
“Thanks so much, Katie. You’ve been a lifesaver today.”
“No problem. Good luck.”
“Thanks again,” I said as she turned and walked away. Something about the way she wished me luck caused a pit to open in my stomach. There was definitely something going on. I strode toward Jax’s dorm and with each step, my feet felt heavier, as though they were weighted down with bricks. Or lead. When I stood outside the entrance to Jax’s room, I stared at the threshold in front of me. It was a normal door with a white board on it. It proclaimed that they were in and to “Knock, motherfuckers.” There was a poorly drawn picture on it of what I assumed was alcohol and cigarettes.
The pit in my stomach filled with dread.
I convinced myself to knock finally, and after a few minutes the door swung open. The smell of cigarettes hit me in the face and almost made me gag. Dylan stood in front of me wearing a T-shirt and boxers. He looked hungover, but he still smiled at me. Like the few times I’d seen him in the past, I felt he was sketchy. There was just something about him that didn’t sit well with me.
“What can I help you with, beautiful?” he asked with a nasty smile on his face.
“Is Jax here?”
“Sure is.” He opened the door wider and my eyes fell on Jax. He was lying face down on his bed. One of his hands hung over the edge of the bed, his fingers still wrapped around an empty whiskey bottle. His face was turned toward me with drool pooling under his mouth. He snored loudly. My eyes swept over his uncovered body. He was dressed in nothing but boxers. Just looking at him sent a chill through me.
Dylan moved and I dragged my gaze away from Jax to look at him. He grabbed some clothes off the floor and moved toward the door. “I’m heading down to the bathroom. I’ll give you two some time.” Then he left and shut the door behind him.
I took in the room and realized clothes were strewn everywhere. Literally everywhere. The floor, the desks, the beds. There were also various liquor bottles—all empty—all over the place. The majority of them were around Jax’s side of the room. My heart fell into my stomach and I fought back tears.
I went over and sat next to him on the bed and brushed my fingers over his stubbled cheek. He stirred briefly and his fingers clutched the bottle tighter.
“Jax,” I said though the lump in my throat. The tears I was holding back made speaking difficult.
“Hmmmmm . . .” he moaned and rolled onto his side. The bottle hit the floor.
“Jax, wake up.” The words came out more forcefully than I intended, but I was worried and scared and angry. I was angry that he was doing this. I was angry that he turned to alcohol instead of me. I would have been there for him, no matter what, if he had just given me the chance.
I shook his shoulder. He didn’t wake up so I shook him harder. He finally groaned and his hand came up to rub his face. His skin was pale and his hair was greasy. When was the last time he showered? I squeezed my eyes shut, trying hard to hold it together.
“What are you doing here?” he asked as he pulled himself upright.
“Ry called me. She’s worried about you. I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine.”
“No, you aren’t, Jax.”
He propped himself against the headboard and scrubbed his hands over his face hard a few times. “I’m fine.”
“You smell like a fucking brewery.”
“So? I had a few drinks.”
I looked at the bottles on the floor. “It looks like you consumed an entire store worth.” He scoffed. “I’ve been worried.”
“I’m fine, Cassie.”
The way he said my name cut me like a knife. I hated the fact that he said Cassie instead of Cassandra. “Your sister is worried.” He scoffed again. “She was grieving, Jax. She’s still grieving. She’s trying to deal with the fact your mom died and she blamed you unfairly. She’s apologized. I thought you two moved past it.”
“Whatever.”
I sighed. I didn’t know how to handle whatever version of Jax this was. “Don’t do this.”
“Don’t do what? Be who I am? Well, take a good look, Cassie. I’m the fucking jackass who let his mother relapse and then lied about it. I’m the asshole who lied about his mom, losing his job, getting put on academic probation, and then I let my fucking mother die. I’m not a good person.”
“You’re one of the greatest people I know. You cared enough about your mom to try and protect her. You also tried to protect Ryanne. And you always help with Ben and you love me, Jax. Don’t forget that.”
He climbed off the bed and picked up some clothes from the floor. Then he went to the door and opened it. “I’m going to get a shower. I’ll talk to you later.” He slammed the door behind him, leaving me sitting on the bed, trying my damnedest to hold it together.
I WAS AT home, playing with Ben. I had told Ry what happened with Jax, and she was even more upset than before. Apparently, she was going over there later to talk to him. I wasn’t sure if it’d do any good.
I had a decision to make for myself. I loved Jax so much. I wanted to be with him, but I wasn’t sure I could be with him like this. He was self-destructing and I worried he’d take me down with him. I’d already decided he couldn’t be left alone with Ben. I couldn’t trust him. What would happen if he got wasted while he had Ben? The thought scared the shit out of me.
Was it right to stay with him? Part of me thought it wasn’t. He was out of control and didn’t seem to care. He wasn’t even trying to hide his drinking anymore.
The larger part of me wanted to stay with him. There had to be something I could do that would snap him out of this and make him realize that he deserved more. It wasn’t his fault his mom died. I just had to figure out a way for him to know this, too.
I was worried he’d die before he came to his senses, though. There was no way he could drink as much as he seemed to be without doing serious damage to his body. Dylan was a terrible person for him to be around, but there was nothing I could do about that, either.
So for now, I decided to stay with Jax and try to help him realize that he didn’t need to self-destruct. That he was worthy and loved and he had people around him who cared about him.
I pulled Ben into my arms. I buried my nose in his soft neck and breathed him in.
“Momma?” he asked as tears slipped from my eyes and fell on his neck. “Crying?”
“I’m okay, baby. Momma’s just a little sad.”
“No be sad, Momma. I love you.” He wrapped his little arms around my neck and my heart split wide open. My little boy was comforting me. I should be the one comforting him. I never wanted him to go through what Jax was going through right now. Hell, I never wanted him to go through what I was going through. I wanted to protect him from the world, to keep him safe in my arms.
“I love you, baby.”
“Trains?”
“Let Momma hold you for a few more minutes, okay? I need some Ben hugs.”
He snuggled in closer and held me tight. I held him and kept my face in his neck. I was so torn between the two boys I loved so completely. So afraid I’d lose one in the effort to protect the other.
TODAY WAS BRUTAL. A kid who had been in our treatment facility overdosed and died. He was a good kid from an amazing family. A mother, father, and siblings, even a fucking dog and white picket fence. They lived in a middle class neighborhood and the kids went to good schools. His parents were supportive and went through everything they were supposed to so they could give their son the chance he needed to stay clean. They went to meetings and th
erapy on their own and visited him regularly. His younger siblings drew him pictures that he hung near his bunk. I’d had a huge amount of hope for him. He had everything going for him.
That wasn’t the case.
He’d been good for six months. Still attending therapy and doing everything he was supposed to. Unfortunately, he went to a party where someone had heroin. He shot up without taking into account that he’d been clean for so long. His accidental overdose killed him instantly.
The staff at the treatment facility worked hard to keep this type of news from the other patients as it could undermine their treatment. But when he stopped showing up for out-patient group therapy, the kids put two and two together. Silence and worry replaced the energy and constant noise generally present. Every single patient was filled with fear and anxiety. They questioned themselves, the therapy and treatment process, the staff, just about everything. Everyone was scared. If he couldn’t make it, what did that mean for the rest of them?
Today was a tough day to remain sober. My heart was broken for this young kid and I was completely doubting my ability to stay clean. It was a tough road, being an alcoholic in recovery. One drink—one sip of alcohol—would ruin me because I simply couldn’t stop.
I made a mental note to call my sponsor at the first available opportunity.
When I first got out of rehab, I thought I had everything under control. I hung out with some of my old friends and figured one beer wouldn’t hurt.
I ended up fucking wasted and sleeping in a pool of my own vomit. That one taste of alcohol had destroyed everything because it was never enough. I always wanted more.
I returned to the rehab center and went through a sober living treatment program. I ditched all my old friends who were triggers and had to completely redo my life because I wanted this to work. I wanted to stay sober. I had learned to like sober me. Jax who was constantly looking for his next drink? He was a fucking asshole and had destroyed his life. I didn’t want to be that guy ever again.
I got home and collapsed onto my couch. Smokie jumped up next to me. I pulled him close, burying my face in his fur. He was my constant, even if he was only a dog. I cried. I sobbed into him as my heart broke for Tyler, his family, and everyone who had come in contact with him. I sobbed because I lost my mother and my dad and nearly lost my sister. All of my emotions came pouring out as I wrapped my arms around my dog as he licked my arm.
I didn’t usually let my emotions overwhelm me, but life had been especially tough lately. The door closing on the Cassie chapter killed me. I could have let it set me back, but instead I called my sponsor during my lunch break. I went home and got Smokie to go for a run. I ran until my lungs were burning and my legs felt as if they were going to fall off. Then I went over to Ry and Will’s house and slept in their guest room. They were used to it. When I was having a rough time, I’d go over to their place and they’d spend time with me because they knew I was lonely. As much as I loved my life, I missed having someone to share it with.
Fuck, I just missed Cassie.
When it got too rough, they invited me in and stayed with me, no matter what. No questions asked, no long explanations needed. I should probably go over there now and spend the night, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay here in my house with my dog. I pulled my face from Smokie’s fur and he immediately licked my face as though he was drying my tears.
“Thanks, buddy,” I said, scratching behind his ears. Even though he was a big dog and couldn’t fit in my lap, he tried his hardest to curl up on my legs. It ended up with part of his body on the couch, part on me, and his head resting on the arm of the couch. I turned on the TV and petted Smokie, even with his weight crushing my legs.
Eventually, we ended up on the floor, with him curled into my stomach, sleeping, while I watched something mind-numbing on TV. I was drifting in and out of sleep, uncomfortable on the hard floor, but wanting didn’t want to move.
My eyes had just shut when my phone sounded behind me. I hoped it wasn’t an emergency at work. Sometimes when we lost a previous resident, the kids acted up and we needed everyone to come in and keep things calm. I sighed and rolled over, grabbing my phone off the couch. My heart stopped and lodged itself in my throat when I saw who it was. Cassie. I opened my phone quickly, not caring if it was a bad text or a good text, just happy she was contacting me at all.
Cassie: Thank you so much for the flowers and the gift basket. It means a lot.
I’d worried that was the wrong move. With the way things had ended, I knew the chances of any type of relationship were slim, but I wanted to acknowledge her getting a new job and a new place to live. When Ry told me, I was happy for her. I knew it was going to be a great move for her. I hoped she wouldn’t be offended at me sending something. After not hearing anything for over a week, I figured she wasn’t going to say anything.
Jax: I’m glad you liked them. How’s the new job?
Going casual was good, right? I wanted to ask her to dinner or to see her. I needed some kind of connection with her. It hurt too much to not have her in my life at all, but I wasn’t sure how she’d take it.
Cassie: I love it. Everyone’s really nice and the job is awesome, even if it’s harder. Ben loves it here, too. He’s already made a lot of friends.
Jax: I never had any doubts. He’s an amazing kid. He takes after his mother.
I held my breath, not knowing how that’d go over.
Cassie: :)
I deflated at her answer. It wasn’t her turning me down flat, but it wasn’t continuing the conversation. I wanted her to say something, anything, to keep the line of communication open. If there was any night that I couldn’t handle her rejection, this was it. I needed her to at least pretend she cared. I was too close to going back to the bottle as it was. Another rejection from her would push it into my hand. I knew I shouldn’t base my sobriety on anyone, but I was feeling so low already that I wasn’t sure what I’d do.
I stared at my phone, thinking of everything I could say. I love you. I miss you so much. There’s a giant hole in my heart, in my life, that I know you’d fill. I closed my eyes and rested my phone against my forehead. I needed to realize it was over. She wanted to move on and I needed to move on myself. Even if I didn’t want to. My phone buzzed with a new text.
Cassie: Now that I work in the same city as you, I was thinking maybe we could meet up for lunch some day and catch up.
My heart damn near exploded out of my chest. I actually choked. Whether it was on air or my heart, I had no clue, but I had to sit up and pound on my chest as I coughed. Smokie sat up and shoved his face in mine, trying to figure out what was wrong. When I finally got myself under control, I went in the kitchen and got a glass of water and chugged it. My mind was blown and I had no idea what to say.
She wanted to get together with me.
Fuck.
Jax: Yeah, of course. When’s good for you?
Cassie: I have training finishing up this week, but I’m actually free tomorrow. Want to meet at that little deli on George Street?
Jax: Sounds great. They have awesome food. I can meet you at 12:30?
Cassie: Perfect! Can’t wait to see you, Jax.
NORMALLY I WAS the one waiting for Cassie when we met up. Today, though, she was already sitting at a table when I arrived. She spotted me and waved me over with a smile. God, that hit me right in the gut. She seemed carefree and happy. The last few times I saw her, she’d been guarded and defensive, but today her grin and the light in her eyes were different. She looked at me almost the way she used to, before things went to shit.
“Hey, Cassie,” I said as I slid into a chair across from her.
“Hey, Jax. It’s really good to see you.” Her words felt genuine and her smile definitely was. As happy as I was to see that, I was also cautious. What had caused this extreme about-face?
“It’s good to see you, too.”
A waitress came over and to take our order. Since we both only had an hour for l
unch, we wanted to get our food as quickly as possible.
“How’s work?” she asked as she sipped her iced tea.
I raised an eyebrow. I guessed we were playing it as though everything was normal between us. “It’s good, though a patient we had a few months ago overdosed and passed away.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that, Jax.” She reached across the table and rested her hand on top of mine. My heart sped up and warmth spread across my skin from her touch. I fought to keep my eyes open. I really wanted to soak in the feel of her skin on mine.
I nodded. “How’s your new job?”
She went on to tell me about how her new job was stressful and more work, but she really liked it. It was challenging enough to keep her interest, and the people she worked with were really nice and she got along with them really well.
The entire time she talked, her hand rested on mine. She even stroked the top of my hand with her thumb, sending chills down my spine. I tried my hardest to not move, that way I didn’t give her a single reason to pull her hand away from me. I wanted her skin on mine. I wanted to kiss her as she talked and I watched her lips moving, the way her tongue wetted her lips. I had to fight to bring my eyes back up to hers. I didn’t want to seem like a creep, staring at her lips.
God, I wanted to taste them again. It was distracting.
She drew her hand away slowly, as though she didn’t want to lose the contact between us. I felt the loss of her immediately. I wanted to reach across the table and grab her fingers and slip them between my own, holding her as close as I could right now. Maybe I couldn’t hold her in my arms, but it seemed holding her hand was fine. “I’m glad switching jobs has worked out so well for you,” I tried to hide the disappointment from my voice.
“Yeah.” She lowered her gaze to her drink and stirred it with the straw slowly, clearly thinking about something. “It’s strange to be back here after all this time.”
“I’m sure.”
She peered up at me, her green eyes piercing me, causing a weird feeling in my chest. Full and empty at the same time, and my heart ached. I wanted to hold her hand again. “It made me miss you. We had some good times, you know?”