by Kristy Love
“I’m an adult, Mom. I can handle it.” The urge to defend Jax was strong. I knew in my gut, in my soul, that he was strong. He’d been clean a long time and he seemed to be doing so well.
My mom leaned across the table and rested her hand on top of mine. “I know you’re an adult. I know you can handle it, but I’m your mother. I wasn’t there to protect you for all those years and I don’t want you hurt, honey. I love you and I want you to be happy. I’m just worried.”
“I understand that, Mom. I appreciate you looking out for me.” She smiled kindly and I sipped my wine. “What happened with this guy? The guy you were with?”
“When he relapsed and ended up in the hospital I left him. The constant roller coaster of whether he’d be able to resist getting wasted was just too much. I couldn’t handle it any longer. I met your father at work and the rest is history.”
Yeah, the rest was history. She became a controlled woman who let her husband call every shot. Now that I thought about it, I didn’t remember any tenderness or love between my parents. No hugs, no kisses, no declarations of love, no matter how small. It seemed like a business partnership. They got dressed up for political functions and smiled pretty for the cameras and then came home and slept in separate rooms.
It dawned on me then. This guy, the one who was addicted to drugs and alcohol, was my mom’s true love. She let him go and settled for a stable life, but one she was unhappy in.
That’s exactly what I’d tried to do with Nolan. I felt all the pieces snapping into place as I compared my mom’s story to my own. My stomach rolled as I considered how close I came to making the same mistakes as my mom. Nolan never would have been as strict or as uncaring as my dad, but he was very similar. I set my wine glass down and rubbed my temples. This was too much.
“Cassie, don’t let love make you a fool.”
I looked at her, really looked at her, for the first time. Sadness shadowed her eyes. It was faint, hardly noticeable, but I saw it now. She had worry lines etched on her face and she looked tired. How long had she been trying to hold it together? Her once brilliant red hair, while perfectly coifed, had dimmed to auburn, and her once vibrant eyes were now a faded green. It seemed that the life, the love, had been drained out of her.
“I won’t, Mom.” I smiled, not sure what I was agreeing to. Was I was promising to ignore the pull I felt toward Jax or to give in and see him again? Apologize for how I behaved and seeing what happened next. Maybe it was nothing but friendship, but maybe it would be something more.
We talked about something else for a while, my head trying to stay in the conversation with her, but I kept thinking about her words and her story and what that meant for me.
I WAS OFFICIALLY moved into the new house. It had three bedrooms and two full baths, a beautiful backyard, and it was perfect. I had so much space, I was almost unsure what to do with it all. I wasn’t sure it would fit in my budget, but it did. It was in a great neighborhood. Ben had his own room and if or when Roxie moved up to Fairfax, she’d have her own room, too. It seemed perfect.
It seemed everyone I knew showed up to help us move in—my mom, Roxie, some of our friends, Anne and her husband, Mike, and Ry and Will. I was surprised that Ry had offered to help me, but she brushed it off, assuring me she was more than happy to lend a hand. It was strange and I could tell she wanted to talk to me about Jax, but I avoided it. I changed the subject every time she brought him up.
I wondered if Jax had told her what happened after our breakfast. She didn’t let on if he had and I was so glad she didn’t hold any ill feelings against me.
I started my new job, officially, on Monday. That meant I had this weekend with Ben. Julie’d helped me find a new day camp for Ben to go to during the last two weeks of summer break. He was already signed up for school and he’d made a few friends on our street. He was such a trooper.
I was in my new house, sitting on my old couch in my new living room, sipping wine again. Ben was playing at his friend’s house down the street, so I had a few minutes to myself before I had to tackle unpacking more boxes. I was making progress, but it sucked. I had just put all of this stuff in boxes and here I was, taking it right back out.
My doorbell rang and I got up to get it. I hoped it wasn’t something wrong with Ben. When I opened the door, a beautiful bouquet of flowers was in my face. A delivery man ducked his head out from behind it. “Cassandra Brennan?”
“Yes?”
“I have a delivery for you.”
“Clearly,” I said. He handed me the flowers and I turned to set them on the table next to me. By the time I turned back around, he had a gift basket in his arms and he handed that to me, as well. It had cookies, coffee, chips, and some candy in it. I had no idea whom these were from.
“Please sign here,” the delivery man said. He handed me a clipboard and I signed on the line, thanked him, and turned toward my surprise gifts. There was a card in the flowers and I plucked it out. It had Cassandra written on the front. My brows knitted; I was thoroughly confused. I opened the card and read it quickly.
I stared at the card, running my finger over the words. Tears welled in my eyes. After all the times I’d been a bitch to him, he was still so thoughtful and kind. He was the Jax I fell in love with all those years ago, not the one I left. Not the one who was a slave to the bottle and his demons. Sure, those demons were still there, but he didn’t let them control him. I read the words a few more times before tucking the note in my pocket.
“HEY, ROX,” I answered the phone on my way home from work.
“Get the room ready, bitch, I’m moving in!” she squealed into the phone.
“That’s awesome! When?” She’d made it a little over a week since I moved to Fairfax. We talked every day, but it wasn’t the same.
“Saturday.”
“Saturday?” I asked. It was already Wednesday.
“Yeah. I quit my job today, I miss you and the little man too much to stay here.”
“Do you have a job lined up?”
“I have a few leads, but there’s no time like the present! Carpe diem and all that shit!”
I laughed. Leave it to Roxie. “Well, the room’s ready. All you need is, you know, furniture.”
“Not a problem. I’m bringing my own furniture.”
“Great. So, Saturday?”
“Yeah. I have a phone interview tomorrow, so if it goes well, I’ll try and schedule the other interview for Monday. I’ll try to find something soon to help you out. I have a little money in savings, plus Mom gave me some money. She figured it’d help us both out.”
I groaned. My mom was always trying to find ways to shove money at me. When I moved back home, she tried to keep me from getting a job, saying she had years to make up for. I let her pay for things until I found another waitressing job, but then I told her enough. Instead, she used the money to spoil Ben, which I didn’t mind as much. I only had to jump in a few times to tell her to lay off, that I didn’t want him to be spoiled rotten. She insisted on paying for me to go back to school and I took her up on that. I needed a job to make Ben’s life more stable. I also lived with her the entire time I was in school.
Now that I was out on my own and making my own way, she was always trying to give me checks and cash. I was able to avoid taking anything, but I knew it ate at her. She wanted to ease her guilty conscience by throwing money at me. If I needed something for Ben I would take it, but so far I’d always been able to keep my head above water. This new job had my feet firmly on the ground.
“Roxie, I don’t want Mom’s money.”
“I know you don’t, but I’ll take it for you. I’ll treat you and Ben to dinner when I get up there and I can pay rent for at least three months with it.”
“How much did she give you?”
“You don’t want to know. You’d just get pissed off.”
“She does know money won’t fix everything that went down, right?” I was annoyed. My mom thought she could buy love and for
giveness. It didn’t matter that I told her I forgave her, she still felt guilty. I didn’t like thinking about the years she had thrown me out of her life and if I did, I got really upset. Every time she tried to buy me off, she brought those years and memories back to the forefront of my mind and I got mad all over again.
“She does,” Roxie said, quietly. “She wants to do something to make it up to you, Cass. What else is she supposed to do?”
“Nothing. She apologized. We’ve talked about it.”
“You’re still holding some resentment.”
I was quiet as I thought about that. Was I? Truthfully, I was. I couldn’t understand why she did what she did so long ago. I could never cut Ben out of my life, no matter what. It just seemed so easy for her to go more than three years without speaking to me. She missed the beginning of Ben’s life. What upset me the most, though, was them keeping Roxie from contacting me. “I guess I am. Money won’t fix that.”
“You and I both know that. I think Mom does, too, but it makes her feel better. And who am I to stop her from feeling better?”
I laughed softly. “I need to run in and get Ben. I’ll see you Saturday.”
“See you Saturday, sis.”
We hung up and I smiled. Ben would love that his Aunt Roxie was moving in. He loved her a lot.
“AUNT ROXIE! LOOK at me!” Ben screamed. He was playing on the swing set in the backyard. He was going across the monkey bars and Roxie watched, giving him her full attention. When he made it the whole way without stopping, she clapped and ran toward him, scooping him up in her arms.
“You’re such a strong boy. How’d you get so strong?” She tickled him.
“I eat my vegetables!” Ben squealed between peals of laughter.
“Strong and smart! How’d I get so lucky to have you as a nephew, huh?”
“Will you push me on the swings?”
“Of course, little man.”
I smiled and sipped my water as I watched the two of them. Roxie had moved in yesterday and she was already settled in for the most part. She still had boxes of purses, shoes, and jewelry to sort through. Roxie pushed Ben for a few minutes before he hopped off and screamed, “You’re it!” and took off. Roxie ran after him, trying to tag him, but never quite making it. She was purposely letting him evade her until he collapsed on the ground, laughing, and she followed him down. The two of them were on their backs, laughing toward the sky. I set my glass down and went over to lay on the ground next to Ben so he was sandwiched between Roxie and me.
“It’s really cool that you’re back, Aunt Roxie.”
“It’s really good to be back, little man.”
“Will you take me to school tomorrow?”
“Of course.”
“Will you pick me up from school tomorrow?”
“Yep.”
“Then can we get ice cream?”
Roxie and I laughed. “Of course, little man. We can get ice cream every day after school if you want.”
“Hey, that’s too much ice cream!” I exclaimed.
“Mom, you can never have too much ice cream,” Ben said, completely serious.
I smiled. “I guess you can’t.”
“Can Aunt Roxie take me for ice cream?”
I pulled him close and kissed the side of his head. “Of course.”
Before he could respond, Lynn from next door came outside and asked Ben to play. They took off toward the swing set. Roxie and I stayed in the grass, watching the clouds move slowly across the sky.
“He’s a really great kid, Cass.”
“Yeah, he is.”
“I’ve been here a full twenty-four hours and I haven’t asked yet, so I’m going to ask now. What’s going on with Jax?”
I sighed and closed my eyes. I really didn’t want to talk to about this. “Nothing.”
“Have you contacted him after the gift baskets?”
“Nope.”
“That’s rude and you know it.”
“I know, but what do I say? Thanks for the gift baskets, sorry I was a bitch?”
“That sounds like a really good place to start.”
“I don’t know, Roxie. I don’t know if we can work it out.”
Roxie sat up and glared down at me. “For someone so smart, you are such a dumbshit right now. If you keep telling yourself that you can’t work it out, then you’ll never know. Do you want to try to work it out?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want him in your life? Whether romantically or as friends?”
As much as I knew I shouldn’t want him in my life, I did. I did so much. “Yeah.”
“Do you think he’d be bad around Ben?”
“No, he was always great with Ben.”
“Then what the fuck is your hold up? You’re so stuck in the past that you don’t realize he’s not the same person anymore, Cassie. He’s not the alcoholic he was then. He’s not distributing drugs. He has a legitimate job.”
“How do you know this?”
“Because I talked to Ryanne yesterday. I wanted to find out what was going on. Do you know what he does now?”
“It never came up.”
“He works with troubled youth in an in-patient rehab facility. He helps them get clean. He supports them and gives them a soft place to fall.” My heart squeezed painfully in my chest and I looked away from Roxie, squeezing my eyes closed. Of course he’d do something like that.
Roxie tilted my face back toward her and I peered up at her. Tears stung my eyes, though I had no idea why they were there. “He wouldn’t be helping kids if he was still using or around drugs, Cassie, and you know that,” she said, her voice soft. “He’s not the same person, just like you aren’t the same person you were back then. Call him, talk to him, give him a chance. Take your head out of your ass, wash the shit off, and call him.”
“What if I get hurt again?”
“You won’t.”
“You can’t know that.”
“And you can’t know that you will.”
I sat up and brushed away the tears that had escaped my eyes. “I need to go inside.”
Roxie nodded knowingly. “I’ll keep an eye on the kids.”
“Thanks.”
I went inside and grabbed the card from the flowers. They were wilting and very close to death, but I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away. The gift basket with the snacks in them was open and much of it was gone. Ben and his friends had raided it a few times.
When I first got the baskets, I had broken down completely. I thought I’d be able to close the Jax chapter of my life, but those flowers showing up unexpectedly ruined my resolve. Well, not completely because I still hadn’t contacted him, but I wanted to. Roxie and my mom’s words battled in my mind. Should I give Jax another chance, or write him off as a bad idea?
There was only one way to find out.
I picked up my phone and scrolled to Jax’s name. I took a deep breath, typed in a text message . . . and pressed send.
I KNEW IN my heart that Jax was spiraling out of control. He used to not drink around Ben or me, but now he always brought some kind of alcohol when he came over, and that’s when he actually came over. Usually he just stopped over for a little bit before making an excuse to leave.
I knew in my gut that he wasn’t keeping his promises to me, but I couldn’t break up with him. He was hurting so much and I was afraid of what’d happen if I left him. I was also holding out hope that, eventually, he’d snap out of it. He was grieving and seemed so lost. I didn’t want to make his downward spiral worse.
My phone rang and I saw that it was Ryanne. She’d been calling frequently to check in on him. They’d made up, but Jax wasn’t really taking her calls. Hell, he was barely taking mine. I felt as though I was holding onto him with a death grip and he was determined to shake me off. I’d never felt so completely helpless in my entire life.
“Hey, Ry.”
“Cassie, it’s bad.” I could hear the tears in her voice.
&nbs
p; “What’s bad?”
“I called Jax and he finally answered. I could tell he was drunk, so I called him on it and it turned into this big fight. It was huge. He threw my words back at me from the funeral and told me it was his fault for everything, that he ruined everything and that I wished he was dead.”
“Where is he?”
“At his dorm. I’m at work and I have a really important meeting in a few minutes. Do you think you could go and see him? Make sure he’s okay?”
“Yeah. Let me leave Ben with Maria and I’ll head over.”
“Thank you so much, Cassie. Call me when you’re done, okay?”
“Sure.”
We hung up and I took Ben next door to Maria’s. She was happy to hang out with him for a little bit. I raced down the stairs to my car. I’d never been in Jax’s dorm before and I wasn’t exactly sure what would happen.
When I pulled into the parking lot, I realized I had no idea how I’d get in since you had to swipe a key card to open the outermost doors. I climbed out of my car and tightened my jacket around me to gain both warmth and strength.
“Cassie, I haven’t seen you in forever,” someone said from behind me. I turned and spotted Katie, my roommate from freshman year. I smiled and she pulled me into a hug. “Wow, it’s strange not seeing you pregnant.” She laughed.
“Yeah. It’s been awhile.”
“Years. What are you doing here?” she asked.
“My boyfriend lives here.”
“Oh, who?”
“Jax Morgan.” Her smile fell and her brows furrowed. She caught herself quickly, though, and smiled again.
“Okay. I’ll let you in.” She swiped her keycard and opened the door, holding it wide for me.
“Thanks so much.” We walked inside and the door slammed shut behind us, echoing down the long corridor.