Heartfelt Lies

by Kristy Love

  “Really good times.”

  She studied me for a few minutes before her attention went back to staring at her iced tea. I was going to ask her what changed for her, why she decided to be friendly with me, but our food arrived. We ate in silence for a few minutes and I tried to gather my courage. Hearing from her had boosted me, had made it easier for me to avoid drinking, but I feared what a rejection from her could mean. I finished half my sandwich by the time I decided to finally ask her.

  “Cassie,” I said. Her eyes shot up to mine and she seemed to be holding her breath. “What changed?”

  She punched her brows together. “What do you mean?”

  “You acted like you hated me. Every time we were together, it ended with you yelling and storming away. This time . . .” I swallowed. It was scary to put a voice to my feelings, frightening what that’d mean. “This time seems different. You seem happy to see me.”

  She sighed and concentrated on the table in front of her before locking her gaze on me. “I am happy to see you. Truthfully, I was happy to see you before, which pissed me off. A lot. I didn’t want to be glad to see you or want to be around you, because I was still mad. But now . . . now I want to get past it. I still care about you as a friend, and I don’t want to let the past ruin that. I wanted to see if we could at least be civil. Maybe be friends?”

  Every time she said friends, it was as if she was stabbing me, twisting the knife deeper, but she couldn’t know that. I wanted this to continue. I wanted to be in her life, even if it was only as her friend. “I’d like that.”

  She smiled. “Plus, Roxie kind of verbally kicked my ass.”

  I laughed. Roxie seemed feisty from what my sister told me. “Yeah?”

  “Oh, yeah. She told me to take my head out of my ass.” She laughed and the sound wrapped around me, warmed me.

  “I like her already.”

  “You and Roxie together in the same room might actually cause the world to explode.”

  “I’m not that bad.”

  “No, but you both are sarcastic assholes, so I can only imagine the verbal sparring.”

  “Then I’ll look forward to the day when I can meet her and have her kick my ass verbally.”

  The genuine, happy smile that lit her face had my heart swelling and clogging my throat. I was making her smile. That wasn’t something I thought I’d ever get the chance to do again.

  We finished our lunch and then had to rush back to work. When we got outside she turned to me, and she was smiling again. Damn, she’d been smiling the whole time we’d been together and I loved it. “Let’s do this again, okay? I’m busy the rest of the week, but what about next week? Monday?”

  “That sounds perfect.”

  “We can either try to find somewhere new or come back here.”

  “There’s another place I want to take you. I think you’ll love it.”

  “Awesome. I’ll text you later and we can talk about it.” She pulled me into her arms and hugged me. At first, I was too stunned to hug her back, but then I held her tightly and buried my face in her hair, smelling it. God, she still smelled the same. It was amazing how the feel of her arms and the scent of her hair could transport me back so many years, to the good times. Not when I was a drunken mess, but before that when things were good, amazing. “I’ll talk to you later, Jax.” Her face was pressed against me, her arms wrapped tight around my waist as though she didn’t want to let me go. I didn’t want her to let go, either. She slowly released me and stepped back.

  “I’ll talk to you later,” I said, and watched her walk away, a grin on my face so wide it hurt.

  I OPENED THE door to Maria’s knock. “Thank you so much for showing up with no notice so I can cover Anne’s shift.” I already had my purse on the floor near the door.

  Maria bent to pick up Ben who’d run in from his bedroom when he heard her voice. “No problem, sweetheart. I just hope she’s feeling better soon.”

  A glance at the time on my phone warned me that I was running late. “Just a stomach bug, she thinks.” I gathered my things. “Thanks again for helping me out with Ben.”

  “You’re welcome. Don’t work too hard.”

  I smiled and rushed out the door.

  Things weren’t going any better with Jax. His mom had passed away three months ago and every hope that our problems were temporary had been shot to shit. He was still drinking, not hiding it at all, and I was concerned. I’d tried to talk to him, but it always ended in a huge fight and him walking out. He’d be gone for days before coming back full of apology, promising me that things would change—he’d change—and we’d live happily ever after. He lasted at most a week before the process repeated all over again. I loved him so much, but I couldn’t do much more to help him.

  Not only that, but the semester was almost done and he’d been officially notified he was kicked out of school. When I tried to talk to him about that, he ended up leaving, then showing up at three in the morning, completely drunk with a busted lip and bloodied nose. Apparently, he had picked a bar fight and then decided the best thing to do was show up at my apartment.

  I was exhausted. I loved him, but that wasn’t enough anymore. I was at the end of my rope. I tried to talk to Ry and Will about it, but they didn’t have any suggestions to offer. I was afraid of what he’d do if I broke up with him, but I was also afraid of what would happen if I stayed.

  I was fucking stuck.

  As usual, I pushed it away and focused on something else, like work. It was going to be a long shift.

  MY FEET FELT like lead weights as I dragged myself up the stairs after work. The diner had been packed and I had no time for a break. Instead, I just had to grab bites of food here and there where I could. My feet were aching and my back was on fire. Before I even reached the top of the staircase, the sound of Ben crying propelled me forward. Hopefully, nothing had happened to Maria.

  I quickly unlocked my door and shoved it open. The first thing I saw was the massive amount of toys spread all over the living room. Maria’d never let that happen. She made Ben pick up as he went along so I wasn’t left with a huge mess. The TV was on, though the volume was low. I dodged the clutter and rushed into the kitchen, which is where Ben’s cries were coming from. What I saw in front of me was enough to make my blood run cold.

  Ben was kneeling on the floor next to Jax, his face bright red and covered in tears. Jax lay on his stomach, facing away from me, but I could see the puddle of vomit surrounding him. Ben was shaking Jax, trying to wake him up. I rushed over and knelt down, scooping Ben up.

  “It’s okay, baby. Momma’s here.” I hugged him close and kissed his tear-soaked cheeks. “Momma’s here.” I didn’t realize I was shaking until Ben was in my arms. I held him tightly, staring at Jax as everything that could have gone wrong flew through my mind. Why was he here when I left Ben with Maria?

  “Momma, Jax fell,” Ben said between hiccups. He’d stopped crying, but he was still trying to calm down fully.

  “I know, honey. Let’s go see if Maria’s awake. I want to see if she’s okay.” I carried Ben next door and knocked on Maria’s door. She answered and I gave her a once-over. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, everything’s good. What’s wrong?” She glanced between me and Ben.

  “Ben’s upset. It seems Jax passed out. Why was he there?”

  “He showed up and said you told him to watch Ben so I could go home. He seemed fine when I left.”

  I nodded, but I was ready to kill Jax. “Can Ben hang out here a few minutes while I go make sure Jax is okay? I don’t want to freak Ben out more than he already is.”

  “Of course. Come here, baby boy.” Maria held her arms out for him. I kissed the side of Ben’s head, letting my lips linger there for a long time before letting Maria take him.

  “I’ll be back in a few minutes, okay? Thank you so much.”

  “No problem. I hope everything goes okay.”

  I nodded. I returned to my apartment, real
izing that Jax hadn’t moved. I kneeled down next to him, careful to avoid the puddle of vomit drying on the floor. I checked to make sure he had a pulse—luckily, he did—before shaking him vigorously. Hopefully he’d wake easily. “Jax!” I yelled.

  He groaned and rolled a bit before he opened his eyes. “Cassandra,” he slurred.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m perfect now that you’re here, baby.” My skin crawled. He had a slack smile on his face and his eyes were glazed and unfocused.

  “Let’s get you in a shower to clean up.” I helped him up and to the bathroom, where he swayed as I undressed him. Normally, I’d take the time to appreciate him in all his glory. This time, though, I was fighting the urge to kick him hard enough to break his balls. I turned the water on and helped him step in. He tried to pull me in with him, grabbing my face and trying to give me a kiss. I moved away, not wanting to kiss him, especially after he was lying in a pile of vomit.

  “I missed you,” he said. It’d been three days since our last fight, so it’d been three days of radio silence. When he said he missed me, I usually turned to putty in his hands.

  Not this time. This time, I wanted to bitch him out, but I knew it wouldn’t do any good. He was too drunk to remember, and I had some serious questions he needed to answer. After he was as clean as I could get him, I turned the water off, helped him out of the shower, and dried him. He still had clothes from all the nights he’d spent here, so I grabbed some of those and helped him dress. He made it as far as my bed before face planting down on it and passing out.

  I’d have to talk to him tomorrow when he sobered up.

  I quickly cleaned up the mess Jax had made on the floor, then I went back over to get Ben and got him into bed. I didn’t want to be near Jax, so I crawled into bed with Ben, thankful that nothing had happened to him.

  JAX WAS STILL passed out on my bed, even though I had Ben dressed and fed. I was taking him back over to Maria’s so I could talk to Jax. Ben’d been through enough. He didn’t need to witness what was about to happen.

  My heart was heavy in my chest. As angry and upset as I was with Jax right now, I was also sad. I hated that we had to have this talk, and I hated that things would finally have to end.

  Ben was safe at Maria’s. I stood over Jax as he snored softly and I drank him in. The way his hair had fallen across his forehead, how peaceful he looked—none of the things that weighed him down were present as he lay there, sleeping.

  His lips were slightly parted and I fought the urge to rub my finger over them. They were full and so insanely kissable, yet I’d probably never kiss them again. It was important that my last memory of him be this. Him, relaxed, not drunk and stupid. I sighed before shaking him hard enough to wake him. He groaned and sat up, his hand on his head. He was obviously in pain. I handed him a big glass of water and some pills to help with his headache.

  “Thanks, Cassandra.” He put the pills in his mouth and drained the whole glass. “I was a mess last night, huh?”

  “You could say that.” My voice was icy, even to my own ears. It caused him to glance up at me.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “How’d you get here, Jax?”

  “I drove.”

  “Were you drunk?”

  “No. I’d only had two beers at my dorm before I left. I missed you. It’d been too long since I’d seen you and I wanted to fix that.” He reached out to pull me into his lap, smiling. I stepped out of his reach and his smile fell.

  “How’d you end up drunk, then?”

  “I brought some with me. I figured it was no big deal.”

  “Why’d you tell Maria I told you to come over and watch Ben?” My voice was flat and nearly emotionless. It was time for answers and then time to get off this fucking crazy train.

  He shrugged. “I figured I’d help you out. I know you worry about Maria feeling used.”

  “I told you I didn’t want you to watch Ben while you are a drunken mess.”

  “I wasn’t a drunken mess.”

  “Then explain to me how I came home to you passed out in a puddle of your own puke with Ben sitting next to you, sobbing?”

  His eyes shot up to mine and his mouth dropped open in surprise. “I don’t remember that.”

  “I’m sure you don’t. You were completely out of it.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not good enough this time, Jax.”

  He stood up and tried to come near me, but I withdrew again. If he touched me, I’d lose my resolve and I couldn’t afford to do that. When I moved away from him, he dropped his arm to his side. He seemed to understand that this was the end of the line for me. “I’m sorry, Cassandra. I went too far. It won’t happen again.”

  “You’re right, it won’t.”

  “I’ll clean up my act, I promise.”

  “I’ve had enough of your empty promises, Jax.”

  “They aren’t empty.” He closed the distance between us and pulled me into his arms. I closed my eyes and relished the feel of him. His hand stroked my hair as he kissed the side of my head. If only I felt safe and whole, as if everything could be worked out.

  Except it couldn’t be. He put my son in danger. There was no way I could allow that to happen again. Ben was my first and only priority. It didn’t matter what Jax did from here on out or how much it gutted me, I needed to end this for Ben’s sake.

  I pulled away. He looked pained as he watched me step back. “I can’t do this anymore, Jax.”

  “No, Cassandra. Don’t say that.”

  “I love you so damned much it hurts. I love you. I love how you are with Ben, when you’re sober. But you’re never sober. Ever. You’re always drunk or on your way to drunk or recovering from being drunk. All you care about is getting alcohol and consuming that alcohol.

  “That’s not true. I love you and Ben.”

  I leveled my gaze on him and he seemed to shrink away. Maybe he finally realized how serious I was. “Enough to get clean right this minute? No more alcohol, no more parties, no more helping Dylan out?” His eyes widened in shock. “Yeah, I know you’ve still been working with Dylan. I’ve been lying to myself. I’ve been fucking lying,” I said again, my voice getting stronger.

  I’d been dishonest with myself for months, hoping things would change, hoping he’d get better. Jax needed to come to his senses. To realize he was hurting me, Ben, his sister, Will. But he wouldn’t come to his senses; he was an alcoholic. He wasn’t drinking to cope with his mother’s death, at least not anymore. Now he was drinking because he needed it. He was a liar and an addict.

  This realization made my knees weak. I stumbled to the bed and sank onto it, letting my face fall into my hands.

  It all made sense. He was a fucking alcoholic. There was nothing I could do to help him. He had to want to help himself.

  It really was the end.

  “I can’t do this anymore, Jax.”

  “I’ll change, Cassandra, I promise.”

  I met his uncertain gaze, tears brimming in my eyes. “You may be sorry, at least right this minute, but it won’t change anything. You have a problem, Jax. You’re addicted to alcohol. When was the last time you went even a few hours without drinking?” His silence was all the answer I needed. I stood up and walked out to the kitchen. He followed close behind me. I reached on top of the fridge and found the newest bottles he’d brought over. One was a bottle of vodka and the other was whiskey. I unscrewed the top of one and walked to the sink. His eyes widened and his face contorted in panic.

  “What are you doing, Cassandra?” He came up behind me as the bottle hovered over the sink.

  “I’m getting rid of the alcohol, Jax. If you’re done, for sure this time, then you don’t need it.” I tipped the bottle further so the liquid poured down the drain. Jax’s hands went up to his hair and tugged on it.

  “I can’t believe you just did that! Do you know how much fucking money that bottle was?” he yelled.

  I stopped and
glared at him. “Is it worth more than Ben and me?”

  He stilled, studying my face as if to see how serious I was. His lack of an answer enraged me further. I was sick of coming in second place to his precious fucking alcohol. I wanted to be first to him, worth everything. I tipped the bottle again, emptying the entire contents down the drain. “That’s my fucking alcohol. You can’t just fucking dump it out like that!”

  I turned toward him, fully enraged. “I can do whatever the fuck I want, Jax! This is my fucking house! You brought that shit into my house and put my son in danger! What gave you the fucking right to do that? Huh? Do you realize how dangerous it was for you to pass the fuck out and leave my son unsupervised? He could have done any number of things and you were too fucking drunk to care! To even fucking notice!” I went over and grabbed the bottle of whiskey, his eyes widened and his nostrils flared. Whiskey was his drug of choice. Well, it wasn’t going to be in my house anymore.

  I opened it and turned it upside down, the amber liquid sloshing down the pipes.

  “You’re such a psychotic bitch! I can’t believe you’re doing this!” he yelled, and lunged to grab the bottle out of my hands.

  I body blocked him, and when the last of it was down the drain, I turned to him again. “I’m a bitch? I’m a bitch! Nice, Jax. What happened to all the I love yous and I miss yous and I’ll change for yous? It seems the second your precious alcohol is in jeopardy, all that flies out the fucking window!”

  I went over to the fridge and saw he had a six-pack of beer. I grabbed it and went back over to the sink. It wasn’t enough to pop the tabs and dump it. I was too angry. My heart hurt too much. I grabbed a knife and stabbed the side of a can.

  “Cassandra, stop it right this minute!” He stormed toward me and grabbed the cans and the knife. We fought over it before his strength won out and I let go. The blade slipped as he grabbed it from me, and I yanked my hand to my chest. Blood immediately started flowing over my wrist and down my forearm. We both froze, looking at the wound on my hand. The pain hadn’t even registered yet. Well, the pain in my hand hadn’t registered. The pain in my heart seared and burned.