by Kristy Love
“This is a nurse in my practice, Cassie. She’s here to help out today.” Dr. Barbossa motioned to me and I offered a weak smile. The tension was so thick in the room that it was almost hard to breathe.
“Whatever,” Nathan grumbled.
“How are you doing?” Dr. Barbossa asked. She flipped open a chart and looked through it.
“Fine.”
“Any more fights?”
Nathan shrugged.
“You know you’re here because your parents found drugs in your room, right?”
Nathan shrugged again.
“I have someone I want you to meet, okay? He’s a friend of mine.”
“Whatever.” Nathan concentrated on a spot on the wall.
Dr. Barbossa walked over to the door and opened it, motioning someone in. My heart stopped and my world turned upside down. Jax walked into the exam room. His hair was perfectly disheveled and he wore a blue button down shirt, not tucked into his dark blue jeans. “Nathan, I’d like to introduce you to Jax Morgan. He came to talk to you today.”
I looked to Dr. Barbossa, wondering what the hell was going on. Why was he here? She didn’t meet my eyes, though she motioned to Jax.
“Hey, buddy. How are you?” Jax asked. Nathan eyed Jax for a second before turning away again and shrugging. Jax sat on the stool and wheeled a little closer to Nathan, but not too close. “Not feeling like talking?”
“I don’t know why I’m here.”
“I’m sure you know. Your parents are worried about you. I hear you’re into some bad and dangerous things.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“I think drugs and alcohol at fourteen is a pretty bad thing, don’t you?” Nathan shrugged. “Why are you doing drugs and drinking, Nathan?”
“I don’t need to answer to you.” Nathan still wouldn’t look at Jax. My nerves were on edge. The tension in the room thickened.
“No, I guess you don’t.” Nathan looked at Jax, shocked. “I’d like to talk to you, though.”
“Fuck you.” The harsh words coming from the mouth of such a young boy made me want to cry and scoop him into my arms. His mother moved forward as though to reprimand Nathan, but Jax waved her off, keeping his eyes on Nathan.
“I bet you hurt a lot, don’t you?” Jax asked, totally casual as though he was asking about the weather. Nathan’s eyes flicked to Jax briefly before he shrugged. “I used to hurt a lot, too.” Again, Nathan glanced at Jax. “I used to do all kinds of things that made the hurt less. I drank a lot. I lashed out at the people who I loved the most because I was afraid of them hurting me.”
“Like you have all the answers.” Nathan crossed his arms over his chest.
“I don’t have all the answers, Nathan, but I can tell you hurt. I can see it in your eyes and the way your arms are wrapped around your body like you’re protecting yourself.” Nathan quickly dropped his hands to his sides and glared at him. I thought Jax would say something, but instead he just observed Nathan. His eyes were soft and kind, as though he was willing to wait all day for Nathan to let his wall down. Nathan bristled under Jax’s watchful gaze. He narrowed his eyes at Jax as though he could intimidate him. Jax smiled softly. That seemed to annoy Nathan even more and he turned his attention back to the spot on the wall.
After several long, silent, tense moments, Jax cleared his throat again. Nathan’s eyes cut to him. “Would you like to talk to me about what’s upsetting you?”
“I don’t want to be here.”
“I understand that.”
“No, you don’t. I get dragged around by them,” he said, jerking his chin toward his parents. “They act like they know what’s best for me. I’m fine.”
“I’m sure you’re totally fine.”
Nathan narrowed his eyes at him. “Are you trying to trick me?”
“No, not at all. You think you’ll be fine as long as you have drugs, right? They make the pain better. Whatever’s eating at you is made bearable by drugs. The problem is, you keep having to take more. You have to take it more frequently because the pain always comes back.” Nathan kept his eyes on Jax, his eyes hard.
“And sometimes it’s scary. You know you’ve taken too much or drank too much. You wonder if you’ll fall asleep and never wake up. Part of that scares you, part of you think that’ll make the pain stop, so why not?” Instead of seeming so upset, Nathan seemed to be listening a little closer to Jax, waiting to hear what he’d say next. “Sometimes, you think everyone would be better off without you. They wouldn’t have to worry about you or even look at you. Do you ever think like that?”
“Stop trying to do whatever you’re doing. You don’t know me.”
“I don’t know you, but I know a lot of kids just like you. I used to be just like you.”
Nathan hopped off the table and started pacing, pulling at his hair. His anguish was so overwhelming and so raw. He was warring with himself and I wasn’t sure what would happen.
“I’d like to help you, Nathan. I’d like to be your friend.”
Nathan turned around, his eyes wide and wild. He stalked toward Jax, surprisingly intimidating given his small size. “You think you want to help me? Huh?” Nathan shoved Jax, who just kept studying him. “Everyone who wants to help me ends up hurting me. You think you know me? You think you want to be my friend? Well, fuck you!”
Jax reached out and grabbed Nathan’s shoulder and squeezed it gently. Nathan shrugged him off and stalked to the distant corner of the room, as far away from everyone as he could get. He looked as nervous as a caged animal, ready to attack at the slightest provocation. Jax just kept watching him. Silence stretched in the room again. The tension was so thick it was as though I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs.
This could go really badly. Jax didn’t seem worried, though.
“Nathan, please,” his mother cried, before sobbing loudly. Nathan hardly spared her a glance, keeping his eyes trained on Jax, as though Jax was a threatening presence.
“Do you like hurting your parents, Nathan?”
“No.” Nathan’s answer was quick and his eyes darted toward them.
“They’re hurting because you’re hurting. They don’t want you to struggle the way you are. They want you happy and healthy.” Nathan shrugged. “I’d like to help you, Nathan, but you have to want the help.”
“I don’t need your fucking help.”
“Okay.” Jax stood up and reached into his wallet, pulling a card out. “Here’s my phone number. Feel free to call me, okay? Any time, day or night. I’ll listen or help any way you need me to.” Jax handed the card to Nathan, who seemed to take it reluctantly. Jax turned and smiled at Nathan’s parents, who appeared ready to dissolve. I couldn’t believe Jax was giving up on this little boy. It was so clear that he needed help and Jax was walking away.
Jax put his hand on the doorknob, turning it slowly. As the door opened, Nathan lunged into the middle of the room. “What do you think you could do to help me that other people haven’t done already?” His tone voice was harsh and his expression was guarded, yet something about him seemed to be begging desperately.
Jax closed the door and turned toward Nathan. “I work at a facility that helps kids just like you, every day. We get them clean and give them the help they need. I know we’d be able to help you, Nathan. We already have a room for you.”
“So I’d have to leave my family? You think that’ll make me better?” Nathan seemed to get angry and closed off again. Any little bit of progress Jax had made was undone.
“You’d come stay with us, but you’d be able to see your parents. They’d come to appointments with you and you’d see them and talk to them, every day if you wanted.” Nathan studied Jax as he described the facility. He told him about the kids who were there, the kind of help they needed, the kind of help they got. I thought Jax was telling Nathan too much, but Nathan seemed to be soaking it up. He listened intently as Jax talked. “I want to help you before it gets bad, Nathan. I don’t want you to hu
rt anymore.”
“How do you know it’ll be bad?” Nathan was still hard, but I could see him softening. His eyes, instead of brimming with anger, were tired and full of pain. His body slumped forward a little bit.
“Because it’ll eventually take over your life. It happens to many people who hurt the way you do, Nathan. It happened to me.”
“Yeah?” Nathan seemed interested in what Jax was saying. He made eye contact with Jax and his arms loosened against his chest. I wondered what was hurting this kid so much that he was so angry and so self-destructive, while still so young.
“Yeah. I think I know what’ll help you, but you have to want the help.” Jax reached over and squeezed Nathan’s shoulder again. “I know it hurts. I know it seems like it’ll never stop. It’s okay. I’m here for you.”
Nathan nodded, tough, but his body was rigid and he still seemed angry and afraid. Dr. Barbossa smiled, though it was small and sad. I inhaled deeply, not realizing how tense I was and how long I’d been holding my breath. I had no idea how Jax got through to him. Something happened in my chest, too. I sniffed, trying to hold back tears.
“This is up to you, but you can come with me to the place I work.”
“Will you be there?” Nathan asked.
“Of course. I work there, so I’ll be there.”
“I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
Nathan’s gaze travelled the room before he leaned down, whispering in Jax’s ear. Jax’s body stiffened and his eyes got hard and sad. I wondered what Nathan said. “We’ll work on that there, too, buddy, okay? You’ll be safe. I promise.”
“I’ll go with you,” Nathan said, no hesitation.
“Oh, Nathan,” his mom said, breaking her silence. She ran to him, holding him close. “Please know that we love you. We’ve always loved you and we’ll be here for you every step of the way.” His dad walked over and wrapped his arms around his wife and son. It was such an intimate, tender moment, it was almost too much to witness. They pulled apart and Jax patted Nathan on the shoulder.
“Your parents will bring your stuff to the house, okay? We’ll go there now and get you settled in.”
Nathan looked at his parents, as if unsure, and they nodded at him, letting him know it was okay. Jax led him out of the room. He seemed to take the air with him.
Dr. Barbossa immediately turned to Nathan’s parents. “Natalie, Brian, this is the best possible outcome. He made the choice to go to New Beginnings and that’s huge.”
“What did he whisper at the end, though?” his mom asked, worried.
“I’m not sure, but we’ll find out. The doctors there are the best at what they do. They have therapists and people like Jax there. He’s in great hands.”
“Jax isn’t a therapist?” his dad asked.
“No. He’s kind of a go-between. He’s sort of like a therapist, support system, and friend. He has some training in psychology, but not enough to be an actual psychologist. He works with the kids, befriends them, makes sure they’re safe and taken care of. He’s there to make sure the therapists and doctors are doing what they need to do to help the child and that the child is adjusting well and has someone there on his side. In this type of facility, dealing with these issues, sometimes the kids feel they’re being disciplined. Jax is one of the people there to let them know they’re being helped, not punished.”
“When can we see him?”
“They have regular visiting hours. The first three days are the detox period and he won’t be allowed visitors. But once the staff and therapists feel he is ready, you can visit him.”
“Okay,” Brian agreed. His wife nodded, though she seemed reluctant.
“Trust me; I understand it’s scary. We’ll see how this goes, okay? Hopefully this is what Nathan needs to make him well.”
After Dr. Barbossa received hugs and held the door open for them, she collapsed onto the chair Jax had vacated. “That went better than I could have ever hoped.”
“It seemed to go well,” I said. I had no idea why I was in the room. As much as I hated to admit it, seeing Jax hurt, especially since he purposely ignored me. I hadn’t tried to draw his attention, especially given the circumstances of his visit, but a split second of eye contact would have meant a lot.
Then I felt like an ass because he was concentrating on a very troubled young man.
“Jax did an excellent job. He is the best. New Beginnings is so lucky to have him.”
I turned away, messing with a thread hanging from my scrubs. “Does he do that a lot? Come in to the office and help with patients?”
“No. This is only the second or third time.”
“He seemed to know what he was doing.”
“Unfortunately, he’s done it a lot. He goes to other offices and even to people’s homes to help them with their children. There’s something about him that the kids trust and latch onto.”
I nodded. I knew how it went. My own son had trusted and latched onto Jax. Hell, he saw him only once at an ice cream shop and then at Ry’s for dinner and Jax was already someone cool in his book. “He’s good.”
“Yeah. Well,” she said, standing up, “It’s time to get back to work. Thank you so much for your help. I never know how one of these interventions is going to go. I like to have as many people in the room to help control the child as possible. If he got violent, I figured between me, you, and Jax, we could restrain him if necessary.” She patted me on the shoulder and smiled.
“Any time,” I said, my smile weak. I followed her out and went to the front desk. I pulled my phone out, typed a message and pressed send.
Cassie: You were amazing. I hope everything’s okay with Nathan. And you. I’m sorry about lunch. Can I make it up to you?
IT’D BEEN A few weeks since I left Jax. I ached. Everywhere. My heart, my head, my body, my soul. I hated it. I hated that I missed him and loved him and wanted him to be here, especially after everything that happened. I should hate him, but I couldn’t. I tried so fucking hard to hate him, but I it just wasn’t in me.
I was getting ready for work. Maria was staying with Ben, and Anne was picking me up. Luckily we had a shift together today as my car was getting low on gas and I was almost out of money. My landlord had raised my rent and hadn’t notified me. When I gave him the money, he told me I was fifty dollars short, then he charged another hundred as an inconvenience and late fee since I was past the due date by a few days. He was an asshole. I tried to fight him on it, but he said I could either pay the money or be evicted.
I had no option.
So, now I was hoping to get enough money to keep the electricity on and put gas in my car so I could get to work the next day.
Everything was so fucked.
Ben was ready and playing with his trains. Maria would be here in a few minutes. I stopped and went over to Ben, picking him up. I kissed his cheek and he looked at me and smiled. I had to remember that he was safe, and that was more important than anything.
My kitchen phone rang and my heart fell to my feet. It never rang. Anne texted me and Maria came over and knocked on my door. If I was at work, she’d call me, but I wasn’t at work. What if it was Jax?
Oh, my God. What if it was Ry telling me Jax had died?
I put Ben down, afraid I’d drop him with how hard I was shaking. He went back to his toys and I made my way to the kitchen with wobbly legs. My phone was face down, so I couldn’t see the caller ID. I took a deep breath and picked it up. A name was on the display, one I never thought I’d see again. My heart hurt. What had happened?
“Hello?” I answered, my voice shaky.
“Cassie.” Her voice was breathy, shaky, tearful.
“Roxie.” Just saying her name had tears leaking from my eyes.
“Cassie, I’m so sorry,” she said, and began weeping. She kept talking, but nothing made sense. Everything was jumbled with sobbing tears. Finally, she stopped and took a breath. “I’m sorry, Cassie. I’m the worst fucking sister in the histo
ry of sisters and you should hate me, but I hope to God you don’t because I love you so fucking much and I’m so sorry. I never should have listened to them. I’m so sorry.”
I was crying too, though it was quieter. “I’ve missed you, Roxie.”
She let out a long breath. “I’ve missed you. I’ve felt that there was something missing from me for the last couple years.”
“Then why’d it take you so long?” I shouldn’t have asked. I should just be happy that she was contacting me at all. I shouldn’t worry about why now, why all the years have gone by with nothing, why she was able to cut me out of her life so easily. But I couldn’t stop the words.
She broke down again, not able to answer. When she finally pulled herself together, she answered. “They threatened me, Cassie. They didn’t want me to contact you at all. They said if I did, they’d kick me out. I figured I had such a short amount of time until I was done with school, I’d just wait. I’d call you, hell, I’d track you down when I got to college, but then when I got to college, it seemed it had been too long. It had been two years and I abandoned you when you needed me the most. What kind of fucking sister am I?”
“Roxie, you can’t beat yourself up like that.” It hurt, though. I couldn’t understand turning your child away. I knew what Roxie had to lose, but it still hurt. I wished she’d called me a long time ago. It didn’t matter how much time or how many years passed, I still wanted her in my life.
“No, it was a shitty thing to do. I should have never abandoned you. I’m so sorry, Cassie. My God, I’m so freaking sorry. I can’t even tell you.”
“Don’t apologize. I’m just so glad you called me now.” I swallowed, wondering what changed. “If Dad’s so adamant that you don’t call me, why are you calling now?”
She sighed. “Dad’s dead.”
I gasped. “He’s dead? What do you mean he’s dead?”
“He had a heart attack a few days ago and then ended up fighting for his life in the hospital. He didn’t make it.”