by Kristy Love
“Are you guys okay?”
“I feel like I can breathe, Cassie. For the first time in my life, I feel like I can breathe and live.”
I had forgotten that. After the last couple of years, I forgot how hard it was to live under my dad’s roof. Hell, not even his roof, but under his control. “How’s Mom?” I didn’t want to ask about my mother. I was still angry that she’d cast me aside so easily. Again, I couldn’t imagine doing that to Ben.
“She’s okay. She’s sad, obviously, but not as sad as I think someone would be after losing their husband, you know? Things weren’t good after he disowned you. Mom tried to fight back, but he threatened her, too. He never hurt us, but he manipulated us into doing what he wanted. It was always more devious, more hateful. Sometimes I think he didn’t really love us, Cassie. We were just pawns in his game, the people he needed to keep his political career afloat.”
“I’ve thought that too. When was the funeral?”
“That’s why I’m calling. It’s in two days. Mom’s been really busy trying to plan it and she asked that I call you and ask you to come.”
I couldn’t go. Hell, I could barely afford to put gas in my car. Driving the two plus hours was out of the question. “I would, but I can’t. I have work and Ben and money’s a little tight right now.”
She made a strangled noise. “His name is Ben?”
“Yeah, my son’s name is Ben,” I said softly.
“I never thought I’d know his name.” This was so difficult. After being so close growing up, now we knew nothing about each other. I didn’t know if she had a boyfriend or where she was going to school or if she even was still going to college. She may have dropped out. “Mom said to make sure you come, no matter what. She said she’ll wire you money, send you a driver, whatever it took to get you to come. She misses you and she hates that it took this to potentially bring us together.”
“I’d love to, Roxie. I’d really love to, but I’m not sure if I can. I have to work tonight and I need the money to keep my electricity on, and my car’s almost out of gas.” As I thought of the reasons leaving would be impossible, panic started rising. I wanted to go home. I wanted to see Roxie, but I wasn’t sure how it’d be possible. I had too much going on.
“Please, Cassie, please,” she begged. She sounded like she was going to break down again, and I hated that she was upset. My apartment door opened and Maria walked in. She smiled at me, then she registered the expression on my face and came over.
“I don’t know, I just don’t see how it’s possible,” I said to Roxie. Maria’s brows furrowed as she studied my face.
“Let me talk to Mom and I’ll call you back, okay? You’ll answer this time?”
“I’ll answer, I promise.”
“Okay, good. I love you, Cassie. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Love you too, Roxie.”
We hung up and I hung my head. If I didn’t get moving, I’d be late to work, but, suddenly, that wasn’t too important.
“What’s going on, Cassie?” Maria asked with her hand rubbing circles on my back.
I filled her in on everything. The call from my sister, everything she said to me, and again the tears flowed. I wasn’t sad that my dad was dead. In truth, he had been dead to me for years. I was sad at the missed years with Roxie and my mom. I was sad that they didn’t know my son and that it took my dad dying to bring us together. I was so grateful that they’d finally broken the silence.
“You have to go,” Maria said. “I don’t care what excuses you come up with. This is way too important for you to not take the opportunity, sweetheart. Even if I have to give you the money and pay your bills for you, you’re doing it.”
“That’s sweet, Maria, but you can’t afford that.” And she couldn’t. She lived on a fixed income and couldn’t afford to send me home.
Maria cupped my face in her hands and stared in my eyes. “You’ve been missing your family for so long, sweetheart, it’d be a grave mistake not to go see them. We’ll figure something out.” Maria smiled sweetly at me and brushed a tear off my cheek. I smiled back, hoping that there’d be a way for me to get home after all.
I WAS IN the car, driving home to see my sister and my mother for the first time in almost four years. Roxie called and got my bank information, then my mom transferred money into my account. To be honest, she transferred so much money I wouldn’t need to work for three months. Maybe longer.
It only took a day to get everything ready for the trip. My mom had the money in my account in the morning. I worked my normal shift yesterday then came home and packed some bags for Ben and me. I wasn’t sure how long we would stay, so I was trying to make sure I had enough to feel prepared.
Nerves ate at my stomach. I wasn’t sure how to handle seeing my mom again. It was easy to forgive Roxie. We’d always been pawns to my parents and I couldn’t fault her for playing their game. My mom, though, should have known better. She should have never turned her back on me and her grandson. I wasn’t sure how I’d be able to forgive her, or if I even wanted to.
I couldn’t think about it right now, though. I was on my way home, to my mom’s house. My father was being buried tomorrow and I was going to see my family for the first time in almost four years.
It was completely overwhelming. And terrifying.
I pulled into my old neighborhood and drove slowly, looking around. It hadn’t changed much in all the time I was gone. New flowers and decorations, but it looked almost exactly the same. The Brown’s house was now gray instead of blue. The Mitchell’s had obviously moved because there was a swing set in the backyard. They didn’t have kids or grandkids, and they would never allow anything like swings to mar their picture perfect yard.
Nothing had changed, yet so much was different.
I pulled up outside my childhood home. It was still a massive white brick house with a giant maple tree in the front yard. A swing hung on the front porch and colorful snapdragons were planted perfectly by the landscaper my parents hired every year. It was meant to be a warm and inviting scene, but it left me cold. I pulled into the driveway and turned the car off. I looked over my shoulder to check on Ben, sleeping peacefully on the backseat. He was too young to know the turmoil I felt at being home. He wasn’t even sure what the importance of today was, as he shouldn’t. He should be able to sleep peacefully and not know that his mother felt like she was going to throw up and cry.
As I sat there, trying to gather the courage to get out of the car, the front door flew open and my sister ran down the sidewalk. She yanked my door open and pulled me out, engulfing me in her arms. We stood there, clutching each other, crying. Her arms were so tight around me that it hurt, but I wouldn’t change it for a thing. That meant she was here, hugging me.
After several minutes, she pulled away and fussed with my hair as her eyes moved over my face, studying me.
“Your hair is longer,” she said. My hair used to be kept shorter, back when I had money for regular haircuts and not merely the free trims that Maria offered. Roxie looked different, too. She had subtle highlights in her hair and her face had matured a lot. She definitely looked like an adult now, no longer a teen. She was twenty now, though, not the young sixteen year old I’d left behind when I went to college.
“You look older.”
“Thanks, sis. You sure know how to make a girl feel beautiful,” she said, sarcastically with a smirk. “It’s so good to see you.”
“It’s good to see you, too.”
She peaked around me. “Oh, my God. Is that Ben?” Her eyes were wide and new tears swam in them.
“Yeah, that’s Ben.”
“He’s so . . . big,” she said. “He looks a lot like you. The only thing he got from Mark, it seems, is his hair color.”
I smiled. “I don’t see anything other than my little boy.”
Roxie looked at me, seemingly shocked. “You’re a mom. I’m an aunt. It just hit me now. It was always this abstract idea. You having a kid. But
seeing him, watching you look at him, it’s real.” I nodded. She needed a moment to process what was going on. Her eyes found their way back to Ben and they softened. “Is it wrong to love him without officially meeting him?”
“I loved him before officially meeting him, so I don’t think I’m a good judge of that.”
She laughed softly. “Mom’s inside. She’s scared to see you.”
“She shouldn’t be scared.”
“But she is. What all do you need brought in?”
“Just Ben for now. I’ll find a hotel later.” I wasn’t sure if I could stay in my old room, especially when I wasn’t sure how things would turn out with Mom.
“Oh, hell no. You’re staying here. I finally got you back, and you aren’t leaving.”
“Let me get Ben and we’ll go in and see how it goes before you come up with any other plans, okay?” I smiled, then walked around the car and opened Ben’s door. The sound caused him to stir and open his eyes. They were dazed and unfocused for a few seconds before locking onto me and he smiled.
“Are we here, Momma?”
“Yep.”
I got him out of the car and picked him up, resting him on my hip. He hung onto me, and Roxie made a noise in the back of her throat. Ben finally looked over at her and he clung a little closer to me, clearly unsure of this new person. I walked over to Roxie. “Ben, this is your Aunt Roxie.”
“Aunt Woxie?” he said, trying the words out.
Roxie’s eyes welled again with tears. “Yeah, I’m Aunt Roxie. It’s so good to meet you.”
He nodded and looked to me, still unsure. I smiled, reassuring him. Roxie turned and walked into the house and I followed her. I was a nervous wreck. I had no idea how I felt about seeing my mother, but now was too late to change it.
Walking inside, I took in the perfectly decorated interior and the family pictures hanging on the walls. Every single one of them was new, hung since I had been dismissed. I wasn’t present in a single one of them and it broke my heart. I was erased far too easily.
How in the hell could I come back from this?
We walked into the kitchen and my mom was sitting at the table. Her hair was perfectly styled and the same honey color it had been last time I saw her. Her gray eyes were cold and unwelcoming, but there was a sadness and softness to them. Maybe she could change and not be the perfectly hard woman I grew up with.
“Cassie,” my mom said, standing. She was in khaki pants and a button down blue shirt, looking perfectly presentable and fine, not like a woman who just lost her husband of thirty years a few days ago.
“Mom,” I said, holding Ben closer. Her eyes shifted to Ben and the most amazing thing happened. The hardness in her eyes cracked and was replaced by softness and love.
“Is this your son?” she asked, tentatively.
“Yeah, this is Ben.”
“Ben,” she said, her voice full of emotion. “Hi, Ben. I’m your grandma.”
I wanted to tell her she hadn’t earned the title of grandma yet. She had only just walked into his life after being absent from it for the three years he’d been alive, but I bit my tongue, not wanting to rock the boat.
Ben clung to me and I kissed his cheek. “It’s okay, Ben. That’s your grandma. She’s my mom.”
“You have a mom?” he asked.
“Yep. That’s her.”
“I have a gwandma?”
“Yes, you do.”
“Oh,” he said. “Trains?” Without a doubt, he could always pronounce trains perfectly, even when he struggled with other Rs.
“I went out and bought some yesterday after your Aunt Roxie talked to your mom,” my mom said, crouching down to his level. “Want to go play with them? They’re in the other room. You can go play with Aunt Roxie.”
Ben nodded enthusiastically and Roxie took him by the hand, leading him from the room. She shot me a look of support before disappearing.
“I’m sure you want to talk about the last several years,” my mom said, diving right into the hard topic, the elephant in the room. This woman was definitely different than the mother I grew up with. My mom had always avoided uncomfortable topics. It seemed she wasn’t afraid to tackle them now.
“I guess so.”
“Let me start by saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was a coward and weak, Cassie. I never should have listened to your father. There’s no excuse I can offer you; I can only offer my sincerest apologies and the promise that I will never let you down again.”
“I need to know why, though, Mom. Why did you let him cast me out so easily?”
She sighed and closed her eyes. “Because I was a stupid woman who thought your dad would come around. I told him I wouldn’t stand behind him if he disowned you, but he threatened me, Cassie.”
“You could have divorced him.”
Her eyes cut to the window and she stared out it. “He hit me, Cassie. I told him I was leaving him and he punched me. Hard. I was scared to leave after that. He told me he’d kill me. Never once in twenty-six years had he ever laid a finger on me in anger, but he punched me when I wanted to take my daughter’s side. I was weak. I’m sorry. I should have stood up to him.”
I was filled with horror. My dad hit my mom? Over me? There was no way I’d ever want that to happen. I never wanted my mom to hurt, and I definitely didn’t want it to be because of me. “I’m sorry, Mom.” I was sorry. I was sorry that I caused all of this.
“Don’t you dare,” she said, her voice hard. “Never for one second apologize to me, Cassie. You have a beautiful little boy and I wouldn’t change a single thing because of it.”
I nodded, taken aback by her strong reaction to a little boy she hadn’t even really interacted with. “Okay. What now?”
“We have to pretend to be a grieving family tomorrow. We have to pretend to grieve for the son of a bitch who was your father, and then we’ll move forward, okay?”
“What does that mean?”
“That means you move back home and go back to school.”
“I have a job, Mom. I have a whole life back in Fairfax.”
“I know you do, but I want you to come home. I want you to stay here and I want to get to know you again and spend time with your son. I want to earn your forgiveness.”
Really, other than Maria, Anne, and my job at Deena’s, there was no reason for me to go back to Fairfax. It was littered with reminders of Jax everywhere I went. Maybe moving back home would be a fresh start, a clean slate that could help me move on from Jax.
“Why don’t we get through tomorrow before we make any big decisions? I’ll stay for a few extra days.”
She came over to me and pulled me into a hug. “That sounds wonderful, honey. I’m just so glad you’re home.”
I hugged my mom and soaked in the feeling of comfort only a mom could provide. Maybe things really would be different this time.
TODAY HAD BEEN another exhausting day at work. Nathan had been at the house for five days now and each one was a struggle. It turned out he’d been sexually molested by a family friend and that had started his downward spiral. It went on for six years before he checked into treatment.
And it would continue if he hadn’t come to New Beginnings. The man was still in his parents’ lives, and Nathan would still be subjected to this scumbag’s treatment. We were working through it with him, but he was too afraid to tell his parents. I sat in with him on every doctor’s appointment and therapy session, and I heard the details as they were exposed. I hated that this young kid was going through all that. Right now, he was safe in the house so we were giving him time before we told his parents. He’d have to tell them soon, though. His parents were good people, they just missed the warning signs.
But who wants to admit their child is being abused by someone who’d been in their life for years?
Nathan clung close to me, and it was hard knowing how much he was struggling and then not being able to do more to help him out. By the time I got home and took care of Smokie, I was exhau
sted. I collapsed in bed, only to wake up and repeat the process the next day. Luckily, tomorrow was Saturday, so I had the day off. I didn’t hold any illusions that I’d make it the whole day without being called in. Nathan would undoubtedly want me. I felt selfish for needing a break, but I did.
On top of that, I’d ignored the text from Cassie. I was sick of her mind games. She either wanted me or she didn’t. I wasn’t playing any more, not until she told me what she wanted, in actual words. I had to take care of myself. As much as I cared about her and wanted her in my life, my health was more important. I couldn’t risk a relapse.
I was getting ready for work when I got a text. I picked up my phone and read it.
Cassie: I’m sorry I blew you off Monday. I needed to get my head straight. I know I’ve been jerking you around and I’m sorry. I really do want to make it up to you. I really want to try being friends. Please? What can I do? Can we meet for lunch today? Dinner? Something?
I fought back a smile. I shouldn’t like that she sounded desperate, but maybe she finally got the hint. I wouldn’t be yanked around like this.
Jax: Lunch or dinner today is good, though I can’t guarantee lunch. Things with Nathan are a bit tough and he’s been attached to my hip.
Cassie: I understand. How about dinner?
Jax: I can’t make it until like seven. Is that too late?
Cassie: Seven sounds good. Where?
Jax: Isn’t it your week to pick?
Cassie: Okay. I’ll pick somewhere and let you know by lunch.
Jax: Awesome.
Cassie: I really am sorry, Jax . . . for everything.
Jax: I know.
I slid my phone into my pocket and went to work. Maybe things were looking up after all.
CASSIE HAD ME meet her at a restaurant named Time and Again. I’d heard of it, but had always avoided it. It looked a lot like Deena’s, and I couldn’t handle the memories. It used to be a small house in the center of town until the owner passed away and his family sold it. Now, it was a little diner that apparently served really good cheese sticks. At least that’s what I found out when I Googled it after Cassie suggested it.