Heartfelt Lies

by Kristy Love

  It was a 50’s themed restaurant, without the chrome and the roller skates. It turned out to be different, thankfully. It was homier, with a pastel theme and pictures of celebrities from that era lining the walls.

  I walked into the diner, pulling down my hood and shaking out my hair. I found her sitting in a corner booth with a cup of coffee warming her hands.

  “Hey, Cassie,” I said, sliding into the booth across from her. I wasn’t in the mood for pleasantries today. It stung that she’d pulled back from me so far. I thought we were going forward, but that seemed to be how it was with Cassie. Two steps forward, ten back. I could never make any progress.

  “How was your week? Anything happen?” she asked.

  I shrugged. “Nothing of note.”

  “What about Saturday?” She looked like she was biting her tongue as soon as the words left her mouth.

  “Saturday?” I asked, my eyes narrowing. I tried to remember what happened on Saturday, but couldn’t. Then it hit me. That was the day I was hanging out with Chase and she asked me to hang out. “Oh, Saturday. I just hung out with a friend.”

  “Which friend?”

  I sighed. “What’s with the third-degree, Cassie?”

  “Nothing,” she said, lowering her eyes to her coffee.

  Our waitress came over and we ordered. I tried to change the subject to something else, anything else, but Cassie wasn’t having it. After several failed attempts at getting her to relax, I sighed and sat back in my chair. “I was hanging out with my friend, Chase. He and I were in rehab together. He’s going through a tough break up. We watched football and played video games.” I shrugged. “That’s it. Nothing sordid.”

  Cassie’s shoulders relaxed and she let out a slow breath. “Is he doing better now?”

  “Yeah. He just needed some help distracting himself. He didn’t want to do anything stupid.”

  “Is it hard? To stay sober, I mean.”

  I directed my gaze over her left shoulder, focusing on nothing in particular. I felt her eyes on me, studying me. “Not always, no. Then there are times when I’d kill for a drink. The majority of the time, it’s worth the fight to stay sober.”

  “Does it ever get easier?”

  “Yeah. It’s a lot easier now than it was when I first went into rehab. It’s easier than when I got out of rehab. I just have to be mindful of triggers.”

  “What are your triggers?”

  My eyes cut to hers. I could tell by the way she inhaled that her breath caught in her throat. I went for complete honesty; this was too important to sugar coat anything. “You.”

  “Me?” I nodded. “What about me?”

  “The thought of losing you. Remembering what I put you through.” I ran a hand through my hair. “Remembering anything from back then, really. I was such a selfish bastard. I’m lucky something worse didn’t happen.”

  She nodded. “I’m sure you heard a lot of bad stories in rehab.”

  “Yeah. Chase’s is one of the worst, though.”

  She reached across the table and put her hand on mine. I looked down at our hands then back up at her face. I pulled my hand onto my lap, not wanting the intimacy between us. Not when I wasn’t sure what she really wanted. Our waitress brought the check over and I paid. We both slid our jackets on and she followed me toward the door.

  “Well, I guess I’ll see you next week,” I said, flipping my hood up and walking outside. It seemed nothing had changed. She was still punishing me for things I did in the past. She didn’t want me to move on with my life, but she didn’t want me in her life as more than a casual lunch or dinner companion, either. I was pissed. I was sick of being jerked around by her. I headed toward my truck, not walking her to her car. I was fuming, my skin felt too tight and too hot. I was afraid I’d flip out on her.

  “Jax!” she yelled. I was nearly to my truck, but stopped and halfway turned to face her. She ran toward me and put her hand on my arm. “What’s wrong?”

  I ran a hand through my hair beneath my hood and blew out a slow breath. The rain was soaking into my clothes and it was cold out. Each drop felt like an icy stab. “I can’t do this, Cassie. After the other night, I thought you were over the past. I thought you wanted to move forward with me, not keep punishing me for what I did. How many times do I have to say I’m sorry? Because I am. I’m so fucking sorry. I never should have put Ben in danger, I never should have betrayed you that way. I’m sorry.

  “But I can’t keep being punished. I want you so much, you have no idea. I think about you constantly. I crave your touch. The taste of your lips the other night? Fuck, it was almost too much. Then you pull away. Blowing me off like that hurt. Then, knowing that Roxie had to push you to want to hang out with me? I want you to want to hang out with me.”

  I ran a frustrated hand through my hair. “I can’t keep thinking you want me and then the next second you act like I’m nothing more than a casual lunch date. I have a life, Cassie. I had a life before you, and I can’t just stop now that you’re here.”

  “I know you have a life. I never wanted you to stop living.”

  “Then what’s going on? You’re mad that I didn’t drop everything and hang out with you after you blew me off? I was ready to commit everything to you, Cassie. And you completely blew me off. Do you have any fucking idea how much that hurt? I can’t keep doing this.”

  “What do you mean?” Her hair was drenched, plastered to her cheeks, and so was mine. Her clothes clung to her and water droplets cascaded down her face. I wanted to reach over and wipe them away, but I knew I wouldn’t do any good. She didn’t know if she wanted my touch, and I didn’t want to push her toward it, especially if it wasn’t what she really felt.

  “I keep coming back to you, Cassie. I’ve apologized. I’ve let you know how I feel, but I can’t wait forever. I’ve punished myself too much. I can’t let it keep happening.”

  “I don’t want to punish you.”

  “Then what was that?”

  “I thought you were out on a date,” she said, reluctantly.

  “So it’s okay for you to get engaged, to get married, but I’m not allowed to date.”

  “That’s not fair, Jax. I didn’t know you were going to come back.”

  I stepped closer and cradled her face in my hands. “Cassie, you’re all I’ve ever wanted, even when I knew I didn’t deserve you, but I can’t do this anymore.” She pulled away. “God!” I exclaimed, pulling on my hair and turning away from her. I hung my head for a few seconds before turning back to her. “I can’t do this tug-of-war with you, Cassie. I still want you, so much, but I can’t take the back and forth. One second you want me around, the next you’re giving me shit, the next you act like you want me. I never know what you want from me. Do you want me to keep begging for forgiveness? Do you want me to grovel? Tell me what the fuck you want from me!”

  Tears slid from her eyes, the inner conflict she was fighting flashed across her face. “I don’t know what I want,” she said, the words coming out quietly, getting lost in the pounding rain.

  “Then call me when you know.” I turned and opened my truck door. I put one foot inside and fought the urge to turn around and beg her, to plead with her to give me another chance, but I couldn’t. I had to walk away. I had to protect myself.

  She grabbed my arm and pulled hard, yanking me toward her. She pulled me close and pushed up on her tiptoes, bringing our faces closer. Her eyes flicked up to mine, as if confirming this was okay. I dropped my eyes to her lips, letting her know that it was. But she had to make the move. She closed the small gap, kissing me firmly. She tasted like coffee, rainwater, and Cassie. I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her close, leaving no space between us. I slid a hand up her side until it was on her cheek as our lips danced. Her tongue stroked along my lip, causing a groan to slide up my throat.

  Her hand went around to the back of my head, burying her fingers in my hair. Everywhere her body touched mine was full of fire, highlighting the cold f
rom the rain drenching us. I slid my hand down, teasing the exposed flesh below her shirt and she shivered. She was so close that her feet hung off the ground. I turned and pressed her up against the truck. Her legs wrapped around my waist and she buried her other hand in my hair. I pressed my body into hers, pushed into her, hitting the right spot. She moaned and I lost it. I slid a hand up her side and cupped her breast, teasing it with my fingertips. She moaned again. It was the most delicious sound I’d ever heard in my entire life and I wanted to spend the rest of my life figuring out how to get her to make them every single second of every single day.

  She ground down on me, her legs tightening around me. Our lips and tongues moved furiously. I wanted to eat her alive, keep her here, never let her go. I didn’t want to go back to a few minutes ago, when she was aloof and didn’t want me this way. I wanted this moment to last forever.

  Things got mostly indecent as we stood there, devouring each other. Time moved and then stood still. I shivered with the cold rain, but my blood was boiling with desire. I couldn’t think straight, not about anything but keeping her lips on mine and my hands up her shirt, feeling her soft, smooth skin and making her moan into my mouth.

  What finally made me pull away from her was how hard she was shaking. I traced my thumb over her lips, loving how red and swollen they were, knowing I did that. I turned and helped her into my truck. I turned it on, cranking the heat on full blast, then held her against me, kissing her again. My seat was wet from the lashing rain through the open door, but I didn’t care. I’d sit in a puddle of rain every day if it meant I got to keep kissing her that way.

  She pulled away from me, her eyes vulnerable and full of emotion. “I missed you so much,” she said, her voice thick. “I can’t go back, Jax. I can’t go back to pretending there’s nothing between us. We both fucked up, in the past and now, but I don’t want to focus on that anymore. I want to focus on us.”

  “We can take it slow, figure things out as we go.” I traced her bottom lip with my thumb, taking pride that I’d kissed her so thoroughly that her lips were this swollen.

  “Okay,” she said, though she didn’t sound so sure.

  “Where’s your car? I’ll drive you over to it.” I didn’t want her to go, but I understood she had to.

  “It’s only a block or so, Jax, it’s no big deal.”

  I tipped her head back to look at me. “I’ll drive you.” I pressed a kiss to her lips again.

  I held her hand the entire two minute drive to her car. Before I let her out, I pulled her close and kissed her again, hard. I couldn’t get enough of her lips.

  “I’ll call you later,” I said as she climbed out of the truck. She nodded. I waited until she got in her car and pulled out of the parking lot to leave. I wanted to follow her to her house and insert myself into her life, but I needed to give her time. I needed to take this slow and not scare her.

  Even though I really, really wanted to kiss her again.

  CASSIE WAS GONE. I’d been kicked out of school and had to move in with Ry and Will. The living arrangements weren’t going so well and I didn’t even try to hide my drinking from them. I was a fucking adult, I could do whatever the fuck I wanted. So, I spent my nights getting drunk, the mornings sleeping it off, the afternoons doing drop-offs for Dylan, then the cycle repeated. Fuck up and repeat.

  I could tell Ry was getting fed up. She stomped around the house and made loud noises when she was home, as though she knew it would make my headache worse. We were constantly fighting. Always. Yesterday she went ballistic on me because I put a plate in the dishwasher and it wasn’t positioned on the rack just right. The day before it was because I put a piece of paper on the coffee table. It was only there five minutes before she was biting my head off.

  I was sitting on the couch, tying up my combat boots, getting ready to leave. Dylan had more deliveries than usual for me to run today and I needed to get moving in order to get them all done. Even though Dylan had moved into his own apartment and I went to live with Ry, I still kept in contact with him. He was the only friend I had left and I liked the money. The money I got was all I had. I didn’t have friends or a legitimate job. Hell, I pretty much didn’t have a family. Ry had turned into an uber bitch, and Will was avoiding me all the time.

  They were getting married in five months and Ry was stressing about the wedding and about the fact neither of them had parents who would be there. She was obsessing over the details, and apparently I was a detail that was going to fuck up her special day. She kept telling me she’d ban alcohol from the reception if I didn’t straighten up.

  Little did she know, I didn’t give a shit.

  Just as I finished tying my boot, Ry walked in. She took one glance at me and her face contorted into a look of disgust.

  “What are you doing?” she asked, putting her bags on the counter.

  “Going out.”

  “Where?”

  “Does it fucking matter, Ry?”

  “Yes, it matters. There’s no way you’re doing anything you should be.”

  “That makes no sense.”

  “I’m done, Jax.”

  I looked up at her, trying to figure out what she was talking about. “What do you mean?”

  “I’m done. I’m done with the drinking, the drugs, the attitude, and the complete lack of respect you have for me.”

  “What do you mean, drugs?”

  She crossed her arms over her chest. “I saw you.”

  My body chilled. She saw me? I was super careful. There was no way she’d seen me. “What?”

  “I was visiting with one of the families I’m working with and I saw you at their neighbor’s house. You knocked on the door and when the door opened, you handed him something and took cash, then left. I asked the family about the house next to them and they said it’s a drug house. People come and go, but they all come there looking for drugs.”

  “So you automatically assume drugs?” I didn’t want her to catch on. It’d be bad.

  She walked over to the bag I had next to me and dumped it out. Baggies fell everywhere and my eyes widened. “Yeah, I automatically assumed drugs, Jax.”

  Baggies were scattered on the couch and on the floor. I dropped and started grabbing them back up. “What do you want me to do, Ry? Do you want the money I give you or not? I’ve been helping out with bills, right?” I snatched my bag out of her hand and shoved the baggies back in it. I had no idea what I’d do now, but I was pissed. How dare she invade my privacy like this?

  “Don’t you get it, Jax? I don’t want the fucking money. I want my brother back!” she screeched. “I don’t want some loser drunk who deals drugs to make money.”

  I stood up and got in her face. “I’m not dealing drugs.”

  “Then what are you doing? Huh? Helping out? Selling illegal substances for the greater good?”

  “I distribute. I take the specified order to the location, drop it off, and get the money.”

  “How is that different than dealing?”

  “I don’t set up the deals. I don’t organize them or store the drugs. I only help take them to their destination.”

  Ry threw her hands up in the air and turned away before spinning back around and getting in my face. “You can spin it however you want, Jax. You’re dealing, distributing, coming in contact with, selling drugs. You can put whatever verb you want in there. It’s still illegal. You’re still involved with drugs.”

  “It’s none of your business, Ry.”

  “It most definitely is my business. You live in my house.”

  “So what?” I was being flippant, but I was pissed off. I was pissed that she figured me out so quickly. The two people I wanted to shield from what I was doing had found out about it. I hated it.

  Ry threw her hands up in the air. “I’m done, Jax, that’s what. Leave. Find somewhere else to drink yourself to death. Find somewhere else to keep your illegal drugs between deals.”

  I usually didn’t have this much product, bu
t since I didn’t live in the same dorm as Dylan, he gave me extra so I could deliver without having to run out to his house. It was only a half hour away, but it was an inconvenience for the one-hour round trip every day.

  “I don’t have anywhere else to go, Ry,” I said, pleading with her. I seriously had nowhere else to go. No parents, no friends, no girlfriend to fall back on. Ry looked at me, tears filling her eyes.

  “I’m sorry, Jax, but you can’t stay here. I can’t watch you drink yourself to death. I can’t have the knots in my stomach every time you walk out the door. Between you driving drunk, dealing drugs, and whatever else you’re up to, I can’t watch it. I won’t enable you.”

  “You’re not enabling me.”

  “By giving you a soft place to fall and by looking the other way, I’m enabling you.”

  “I have nowhere else to go, Ry,” I said, trying again. “I lost Mom. Dad. Cassie.” God, even saying Cassie’s name was painful. “I seriously don’t know what I’m going to do.”

  “You’ll have to figure it out. Gather your stuff and go.” Tears slipped down her cheeks and her voice wavered, though I could tell she was trying her hardest to sound strong.

  “You’re going to throw your only remaining family out on the streets?”

  She swallowed and I could tell my words hit their mark. She closed her eyes, probably bracing herself against the images I had just painted for her: me living on the streets, me dead. I hoped it’d work to change her mind. When she opened her eyes, I could tell I’d missed my mark. “I have to. I’ve talked to therapists at work and I’ve done my own research. I can’t keep holding your hand, Jax. I love you so much. You’re my brother, you’re my family, I’d give up anything for you, but I won’t give up your life. You have to hit rock bottom to pick yourself up.”

  “Fuck you, Ry.”

  She walked over and folded me in her arms, her tears wetting my shirt. “I love you, Jax. Please, please, get help.” She let me go, turned, and walked down the hall. A door closed behind her and I heard the lock. I stood there, dumbfounded that my sister had just kicked me out.