by Kristy Love
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called Dylan. It’d suck, but I could probably move in with him and his brother, at least temporarily. I pressed the call button and Dylan answered almost immediately, skipping all pleasantries.
“Did something go wrong with the delivery?”
“No, I’m just leaving now,” I said, shoving my clothing and possessions into my one book bag. I didn’t have much, so packing up and leaving wasn’t that big of an issue. “I was wondering if I could come and stay with you for a few nights. My sister just kicked me out.”
Dylan inhaled deeply, held his breath, and let it out slowly. He was definitely smoking something. “Sure. No problem. Just do the deliveries first.”
“Thanks, man.”
“No problem. I’ll have to reduce your cut of the money to cover the cost of you living here, though.”
“Of course.” Dylan was all about business and money. Nothing else mattered to him. “I’ll be there later tonight.”
Dylan hung up, having deemed the conversation over. I picked up my bag, took one last look around my sister’s place, and walked out the door, sure that I’d never be back again.
I’D BEEN LIVING with Dylan for two and a half months. My routine was the same. Drink, sleep, distribute, repeat. The big difference was the parties. Dylan and his brother had parties almost every night. Cigarettes and alcohol were my drugs of choice and I avoided any other substances. Most nights, I passed out from drinking too much and woke up in puddles of vomit. In some ways, I knew I was lucky to be alive, but I didn’t care. I’d lost everything and everyone. There was no point to keep living.
Tonight, Dylan had some girls coming over. It was a smaller get together and I was relieved. I couldn’t handle the thumping bass or the loud talking. I had a hangover from hell and nothing was making it bearable.
The girls’ voices drifted down the hall. Dylan and his brother Jacob lived in a small trailer that was out on its own and definitely falling apart. The walls were paper-thin and I could overhear their hookups every night. I was in a vicious cycle with no idea how to get out of it. The trailer had three small bedrooms, so we each got our own rooms, thankfully. I wouldn’t be able to share a room with either of them.
I should probably have stayed in my room and drank on my own, but I was feeling the pain of loneliness. I picked up my whiskey bottle and went out into the small living room. There was enough room for a couch, a couple of folding chairs, and a TV on a tray. It wasn’t much, but it was home, unfortunately.
As soon as I stepped foot in the room, one of the girls—Mindi, Mandi, something like that—sauntered over to me. She plopped down in my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck, twirling my hair between her fingers.
“Jax,” she said, her nasally voice grating on my nerves. She was a constant here and she was always trying to hook up with me. No matter how many times I turned her down and let her know I wasn’t interested, she pursued me relentlessly.
“Mel,” I responded, purposely getting her name wrong.
“It’s Mandi.”
“Whatever.” I took a long pull from my bottle, disregarding her.
“Can I have some?”
“No.”
“Please?”
“No.”
“Jax,” she whined. I’d had enough. I tried to play nice and be polite, but this bitch wasn’t getting the clue. She smelled funny and probably had diseases growing on her clothing. I pushed her off my lap and onto the floor. The look of shock on her face made me laugh. Dylan and Jacob laughed, too. “That wasn’t funny.”
“Sorry, babe, it was totally funny,” Jacob said. He leaned over and gave me a high five. I took another drink from my bottle, enjoying the moment.
That was how pathetic my life had become. I went from having the most gorgeous, intelligent girl . . . to a crack whore. My entertainment was humiliating people and getting drunk off my ass. I could feel the buzz building since I was halfway through my second bottle. I started drinking early and kept nursing the bottle all day, keeping the feeling alive. I craved the numbness that alcohol brought. I hated it. And I loved it. It’d cost me everything, but it was the only thing that didn’t leave me when shit got bad.
“Oh, man,” Dylan said, stumbling into the room. “I totally forgot to give this to you.” He clambered over toward me, clearly high or drunk out of his mind. He handed me a stained and crinkled envelope.
I held it in my hand, staring at the return label. It was from Ry and Will, undoubtedly their wedding invitation. I opened it and a single paper fluttered out. I looked at the invitation, ignoring the piece of paper at my feet.
Ms. Ryanne Emily Morgan
and
Mr. William Caleb Mathers
Request the honor of your presence
At their marriage
I read the date, time, and place and realized that I knew nothing about the wedding my sister had been planning. Not a damn thing. What kind of brother was I? I was even supposed to be Will’s best man. Apparently not anymore. I didn’t even remember it was coming up. I picked up the paper that had fallen out and read.
Jax,
I’d love for you to be at our wedding, but only if you can be sober. I love you, Jax, so much. I want you there. I want to share this day with you, but I can’t risk you being there messed up. I’ll save you a seat, just in case.
I love you.
Ry
My heart shredded and sank. My own sister didn’t want me at her wedding. How far had I fallen?
I chugged the last of my whiskey and went into the kitchen, looking for anything else to drown my sorrows in. I found some beer and grabbed it, heading back to my room, the invitation still clutched in my hand. I opened a beer and drank it down, still staring at the invitation.
I picked up one of the burner phones Dylan had given me for communication during deals. I punched in Cassie’s number, having memorized it from staring at it for hours, talking myself into and out of calling her.
I pressed call and held the phone to my ear, closing my eyes. I would tell her everything. How far I’d fallen, how much I hated my life, how much I wanted her back, how much I missed her. That’d fix everything. Surely I could get clean if there was a way to get Cassie back.
“Hello?” she answered, laughter in her voice. I heard Ben’s voice in the background and she laughed, clearly distracted. I smiled, hearing her voice, hearing her laughter, hearing Ben.
Before I could answer, I heard a man’s voice in the background. “Cassie, I’ll go get Ben in the car so we can go, okay?”
“Yeah,” she said, her voice distant. “Hello?” Her voice was closer this time. I should say something, anything, but clearly she’d moved on. I was no longer needed by her. “Hello? If you don’t answer, I’m going to hang up.”
I should have said something, hung up, something, but I didn’t. I held the phone close to my ear and simply listened. I could hear her breathing, her voice; there was a connection between us, however small. I wanted to keep it open as long as I could. She must have sensed something, because she didn’t hang up right away. Instead, she waited a few seconds that stretched. “Okay. I’m hanging up now,” she said. A few more seconds passed before I heard the click.
She was gone. Really, truly, unbelievably gone.
I’d lost her.
I left no alcohol untouched.
RYANNE WAS RIGHT. I had to hit my rock bottom and that night was the beginning of the end for me. Though if I was honest with myself, the beginning of the end was a lot earlier than that.
But that night I drank until I passed out, though that wasn’t unusual. What was unusual, was I woke up at some point and drank more. Then I passed out again.
Eventually, Dylan came in, though I had no idea at the time. I was too wasted to even know what was going on. He came in and found me covered in vomit, my breathing slow, and, apparently, my skin seriously pale. He called Ry, for whatever reason, and she called an ambulance as she raced to the hospital.<
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I woke up in the hospital the next day, feeling sick as hell. I had alcohol poisoning and needed to be monitored. I had IVs and a nose cannula in. My mouth was dry and my head felt like someone was pounding it with a hammer. Or an ice pick. Or a combination of the two. I groaned and then winced. My throat was raw. I opened my eyes, though they felt as if they were lined with sandpaper, and I looked around. Yep, definitely hospital.
Ry was slumped in a chair, sleeping. Will was next to her, sleeping. Even in their sleep, they were holding hands. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. For whatever reason, I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs.
Someone came into the room and I opened my eyes. “Oh, good. You’re awake. How are you feeling?” the nurse asked. She wrapped a blood pressure cuff around my upper arm and stuck a thermometer in my ear “You’ve been out for a long time, but with the amount of alcohol you had, it’s not surprising. We’ll get you something to help with the pain in your head. You can’t have anything to eat until the doctor comes in.” She kept talking as she worked, not giving me a chance to respond. “Can I get you anything?”
“Water,” I croaked out. She smiled and poured water from a small plastic pitcher on the tray next to my bed. She stuck a straw in the cup and held it up to my painfully dry, cracked lips. After drinking some of the water, my stomach rolled. I licked my lips. I felt like absolute shit.
The nurse patted my hand and left the room after putting down the cup of water. A throat was cleared and I turned my head. Ry was sitting there, watching me. “How are you?” she asked.
“I’m okay,” I said. My voice was raw.
Ry nodded. “You scared me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“What now?” she asked. I had no idea what happened next. I couldn’t go back to the life I had before. I couldn’t keep killing myself slowly. I always felt like shit and I’d lost everything, including my sister. Ry would have stood by me through everything, but I pushed too hard. I pushed everyone away for what? Alcohol.
“I don’t know.”
“Can I give you my opinion?” The way she was so tentative made me feel awful. I nodded. “Rehab. If you don’t get help, you’re going to die. I don’t want to lose you, Jax.”
“Do you have any ideas of where I could go?”
Ry’s eyes widened and she sat up straight. “I could find places. At work we have a lot of resources.”
“Find one. Would you mind setting it up? I feel like shit.”
“Of course, Jax,” she said, trying to hold back her excitement. “I’d recommend one of the rehab facilities that isn’t only a ninety-day program. Something longer, more involved.”
“Pick the best one and I’ll go.”
Tears leaked from her eyes. “I’m so proud of you, Jax.”
“I love you, Ry. I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through.”
She stood and wrapped her arms around me, still crying.
I never went home or to Dylan’s from the hospital. I went straight to rehab. I went through detox and worked the program. The only time I left was to go to Ryanne and Will’s wedding. Since she worked with the rehab facility, I was given a special day reprieve as long as I took a counselor with me. They wanted me to be able to avoid temptation, not that it mattered. Ry refused to have alcohol at the wedding, especially after everything I’d gone through. She wanted to give me the best chance to stay clean.
I was committed, though. I’d lost everything and I didn’t want to lose the only thing I had left: my life.
When I completed the rehab program, which took over six months, I went to a sober living facility. It was a halfway house, a transition from rehab to going back to my former life. Even though I had Ry and Will to support me, I felt as though I needed the extra help. I wanted the extra time to cement my sobriety and keep committed. I wanted to return home and have the best chance of staying clean.
As I worked the program, sometimes I got mad at Ry for kicking me out of her house, but I eventually realized she did it to help me. She knew I would keep drinking if I lived with her. I had no reason to stop. She needed to protect herself and me, and she did the best she could.
I GOT HOME from dinner with Jax and felt like I was floating on air. Ben was getting into bed; I gave him a wet, cold hug before getting into a hot shower. I waited until the chills and shivering stopped before turning off the water and stepping out. I couldn’t leave the scene with Jax behind. The passion he kissed me with, the way my body ignited as soon as he touched me, the way I felt alive as his hands touched me and his lips devoured me.
There truly was no going back now.
As soon as I stepped out of the bathroom, Roxie was on top of me.
“What happened? Why are your lips swollen?” She squealed. “Oh, my God. Did something happen? You freak! Tell me everything.”
I peeked into Ben’s room as we walked down the hall. He seemed to be sleeping, but I wasn’t convinced. I pulled her into my bedroom, shutting the door behind me. “Would you shut up? Ben’s down the hall.”
“It doesn’t matter. I need to know what kind of freaky stuff my big sis was getting into.”
“Nothing,” I said, touching my lips. I could still feel Jax’s lips on mine and the way his stubble scratched against my cheeks. “We just kissed.”
Roxie picked up a pillow and hit me with it. “You hooker! I can’t believe it! Your head is finally out of your ass! I want all the details!”
I laughed and tried to block the blows. “Fine, fine. I’ll tell you. Stop hitting me!”
Roxie flopped back on the bed and sighed. “I miss that.”
I crawled onto the bed and lay beside her. “What do you mean?”
“I miss kissing, the feelings, being wanted. All of it.”
I didn’t know much about Roxie’s romantic life. When I left, she was sixteen and she had a boyfriend, but they weren’t too serious. They hung out and went on dates, but Roxie always had roving eyes. She was always waiting for something better. Since I’d moved back home and was in her life, I hadn’t seen her in any relationship. She never talked about being interested in anyone, though she was very opinionated about my romantic life. “Then get out there and date.”
“Let’s not talk about me. This is about you and Jax. What happened?”
“Only the best kiss in the history of kisses.”
Roxie squealed again. “All the details. Now.”
We spent the next hour going over and over the kiss with Jax. Roxie got a dreamy look in her eye and wanted to know everything. My heart hurt for her, knowing that she was lonely. I didn’t want that for her, but whatever was holding her back needed to be handled on her own terms. She was too stubborn to listen to me.
“It sounds like things are fixed between you two?” she asked.
“I’m not sure. It’s sure as hell a lot better than it was before. I realized, finally, that I want things to be fixed between us. I want to be with him, Roxie, so much it hurts. I figured it couldn’t hurt any more trying things with him, right?”
“That’s what I’ve been telling you, but you’ve been so into your own head, you wouldn’t listen. So what’s going to happen now?”
“Honestly? I don’t know.”
“It’s exciting. I’m excited for you.”
Before I could answer, my phone chimed. I rolled over and grabbed it off my nightstand. Jax had texted me and the butterflies took flight, making my heart race and ache. I wished he were here now, but that was moving way too fast.
Jax: I can’t stop thinking about you and I have no idea how I’m going to wait until Monday to see you at lunch. For an hour.
I decided to tease him a little.
Cassie: Who said I’ll see you at lunch on Monday?
Jax: Cassie, don’t even play.
Cassie: I’m joking! I promise! I don’t want to wait until Monday, either. Want to get together this weekend?
Jax: What do you want to do?
Cassie: Anything?
/> Jax: You’re not being very helpful.
Cassie: I just want to see you. I’m not sure if you’re interested in coming over tomorrow for a movie night or if you want to go out and do something?
Jax: A movie night sounds great. I can pick up something for all of us to watch together and then maybe one you and I can watch alone?
Cassie: That sounds absolutely great. Perfect.
Jax: I’ll call tomorrow when I’m looking at movies to make sure it’s good for Ben.
Cassie: Talk to you then.
Jax: Goodnight, sweet girl.
Cassie: Goodnight.
“Oh, my God. You’re going to make me throw up,” Roxie said. I looked up from my phone and met her eyes. “You’re smiling so huge and the world faded away as soon as you realized it was him.”
“He wants to bring over some movies tomorrow night for us all to watch.”
“I read.”
“You read all that?”
“Yeah, it was disgusting and perfect.”
I smiled. “It really is.”
“Okay, hooker, I’m going to get a cold shower and go to bed.”
“I’m not a hooker!” I called after her as she sauntered toward the door.
“I know you’re not a hooker. I love you, though.”
Serious Roxie sobered me and I smiled at her. “I love you, too, sis.”
She smiled and left the room. I hugged my phone to my chest, wishing it were Jax here instead of a cold, hard electronic device.
“BEN, YOU HAD two bowls of ice cream, we watched Percy Jackson, and you kicked a soccer ball around. It’s time for bed!” I yelled, trying to get my son’s attention. It was dark outside and he was still outside playing with Jax. Of course, Jax kept grinning his crooked smile at me and I gave in and allowed them extra time, but it was getting late, close to eleven, and I didn’t want Jax to go home yet. I wanted to watch a movie with him and have him all to myself.
I’d shared him with Ben and Roxie, though Roxie made sure she wasn’t around much. She watched the movie with us, though she was mostly silent. I sensed she wanted to give Jax and me time to ourselves, yet she hung around, probably so she wasn’t alone.