by Kristy Love
“But, Mom, I’m having fun with Jax!”
“Well, buddy, we should pack it in. Your mom’s getting upset. I don’t want to upset her.”
“Fine,” he whined. “Will you be around soon so we can play more?”
Jax looked up at me. “Jax’ll be here again soon, Ben. I promise.”
Ben ran over and hugged him. “I’ll see you, Jax!” Then he turned and ran into the house with Roxie right behind him. Roxie offered to get Ben into bed so I could have time with Jax.
As soon as they were out of view, Jax had his arms around me, holding me close, burying his face in my hair.
“I missed you,” he said, kissing my head.
“I’ve been with you for a few hours now.”
“It’s not enough. I realize it’s too soon to show Ben that we’re together, but I hated being near you and not being able to touch you. I want to hold you and kiss you and touch you. Always.”
I burrowed my face into him, breathing in his scent, loving the feel of him wrapped around me. “Do you want to watch the movie now?”
“It’s what? After eleven now? I should probably get home. I’m pretty tired. I had to spend an hour or so at work today to help out Nathan. He’s having trouble adjusting.”
“He’s pretty young.”
“Yeah, he is. I’ve been helping as much as I can, but it’s hard, you know? There’s not enough that I can do to help him out.”
“You did great the other day in the doctor’s office.”
“That’s hard, you know? Giving enough tough love and compassion.”
“You did great.” I kissed his chest, staying close to him.
“I should probably go. I don’t want to stay too late and then be too tired to drive home.”
“I don’t want you to go.”
“I don’t want to go.”
“Stay.”
His body stiffened, clearly shocked. “Stay?”
“Yeah. Stay. Ben’ll love seeing you in the morning. You can hang out and play with him. We can get breakfast.”
“Don’t you think that’s a little too soon, Cassie? We just got, like, officially together yesterday.”
“In my opinion, it’s slow. It’s been five years, Jax. I don’t want to waste more time. I’m not asking for sex, or commitment, or anything. I just want you to stay. Even if it’s on the couch.”
“Are you absolutely sure? I don’t want you to feel pressured.”
I pulled away from him just enough to peer up at him. “Stay. Please, Jax. I want you to.”
He leaned down and kissed me, gently, softly, tenderly. “Of course I will. I can’t deny you anything.”
I smiled against his lips. “Great. Let’s go watch the movie.”
I took him by the hand and led him into the house, past the living room and into my room. He stopped at the doorway.
“I thought you wanted to take this slow, Cassie,” he said warily.
“I do. I just thought if you were tired, maybe it’d be better to watch it in here. It’s more comfortable.”
“Are you sure?”
“Would you stop asking if I’m sure? I know what I want, Jax, and it’s you. Again, no funny business. I just . . . I just want you to hold me for a little bit.” It felt like too much, confessing that I wanted him to hold me. That’s all I wanted. I wanted his arms around me and to lose myself in him. It’d been so long since I’d been held by him and been near him, there wasn’t a chance that I’d get enough of him.
“Of course, beautiful.”
I put the movie in the DVD player before we climbed into the bed and I pulled the covers over us. Jax lay on his back and pulled me into him so I could rest my head on his chest. Our legs tangled together and it felt right. Perfect. He ran his hand up and down my back and over my hair as the movie started. Jax had picked a chick flick for us to watch, even though I told him to pick whatever he wanted. He’d picked The Notebook. I hadn’t seen it yet and he laughed, saying it was like a girl rite of passage.
My eyes started drooping fifteen minutes into the movie as Jax’s hands relaxed me. I was invested in the story, but I couldn’t keep my eyes open. The last thing I remembered was Jax moving deeper under the blankets and pulling me closer.
“MOM! JAX’S TRUCK is still out front!” Ben yelled from outside my bedroom door. The TV was still on and playing the DVD title screen.
“Shit,” Jax muttered next to me. He jumped out of bed, his eyes wide and frantic. “Your son is outside and I’m in your bed.”
“You’re technically not in my bed anymore.”
“You know what I mean!” he whisper-yelled.
“Calm down. Go into the bathroom. I’ll figure something out.”
“Okay.” He leaned over and kissed my forehead.
I waited until he was in the bathroom to climb out of bed and go open the door for Ben. Normally he busted into my room as soon as he woke up. Roxie must have told him to stay out.
“Hey, Ben.”
“Jax’s truck is still here.” Ben’s eyes were wide with excitement. “Do you think he’ll want to play?”
I laughed. “I think he will, after some food.”
“Awesome! Let’s go make breakfast.” Ben bounded down the hallway.
Roxie came out of her bedroom and leaned against the doorframe, her eyebrows raised. “Did you have a good night, dear sister?”
“It’s not like that.”
“I know it isn’t like that,” she said, her eyes sweeping down my body. “You’re still in yesterday’s clothes, so obviously nothing happened. But he stayed.”
“He stayed.”
“Good. Now, let’s go get breakfast before Ben explodes.”
I nodded and followed her down the hall.
Before long, Jax joined us in the kitchen. Ben immediately started talking, jabbering so fast I could barely keep up as I flipped pancakes.
“That sounds like a plan, but I have to get home to my dog pretty soon,” Jax said.
“You have a dog?” Ben asked, his eyes wide.
“Yeah.”
“What kind? My mom says we aren’t allowed to have a dog.”
“A husky. If you want to come to the house with me, you can. He’s going to need food and let out.”
“Mom, can I?” Ben asked, practically bouncing.
“Of course,” I said, smiling.
“Yay!”
Ben raced down the hall to get dressed. Jax walked over and planted a kiss on my shoulder, right at the base of my neck. “You can come, too, you know. We can do something fun today.”
I closed my eyes and leaned into him. “After breakfast.”
He kissed my neck again. “After breakfast.”
I’D BEEN HOME a few weeks. It was weird getting back into the swing of things. My mom was overly attentive and up in my business all day. She was pressuring me to go back to school, but I was more concerned with finding a job.
“Cassie, I have enough money left from your dad’s investments and his life insurance policy, I can support you and Ben while you finish a degree,” she said, pleading with me for the millionth time in two weeks.
“I know, but I’m used to doing things on my own.” I didn’t add that I wanted to get out of her house as soon as I could. I’d gotten rid of my apartment in Fairfax. Maria had boxed everything up and my mom paid for a moving truck to transfer my few belongings. I gave Maria back the furniture she loaned me when Ben and I moved in. We only had our clothes, toiletries, and Ben’s clothes left. I told Maria to either have a yard sale or donate anything else. The pots and pans were old, and I wasn’t thinking right. My dad’s funeral had been such a whirlwind leading me to quickly make decisions about what to do with my apartment.
I didn’t want to go back to Fairfax. Everywhere I went was a reminder of Jax, and I couldn’t do it anymore. It was too painful and there really wasn’t anything for me back there. I couldn’t keep going like I was. The last thing I wanted was to be a waitress for the rest of my l
ife, barely able to support myself and my son. So I caved in to the pressure my mom and my sister were putting on me. I decided to stay.
But I didn’t want to take advantage of my mom and her situation. Taking in two more people, plus college tuition, that was a lot. Not only that, but I was still struggling to forgive my mom fully. Sure, she’d dropped the bomb on me about my dad and I’d largely forgiven her, but part of me couldn’t. I couldn’t justify her cutting me out of her life the way she did. Why not divorce my dad? Get away? Go to a women’s shelter? Something to protect her own children. There was nothing that would stop me from doing whatever was necessary for Ben to be safe. Nothing.
“You can be used to doing things on your own, but now it’s time for your family to take care of you.” My mom rested her hand on top of mine.
“Where were you, Mom?” My words came out harsher than I intended, but I couldn’t ignore my feelings any longer. “Where were you when I was terrified and pregnant and had nowhere to go? I went from being part of a family, having people to take care of me, to nothing. I didn’t have anywhere to turn. Where were you when I was throwing up constantly and couldn’t make it to class and almost ended up in the hospital with dehydration? Or when I needed to go to the hospital because my water broke and my contractions were bad? What about when I had Ben? Did you know I almost had to give birth to him by C-section? His heart rate was dropping. But you weren’t there, Mom.”
My mom’s eyes watered. “I’m sorry, Cassie. I let you down and I’m not sure how to make it up to you.”
“I don’t know how you will.”
“Please, Cassie. Let me try. Let me take care of you and Ben. Let me pay for you to finish your degree. Let me help.”
“You can’t fix everything with money!” I yelled, slamming my hand on the table. Anger brewed inside me. I tried to tell myself that I was over everything, that I wasn’t hurt anymore and that I could move on, but I was lying to myself. I was so angry and hurt.
“I’m not trying to fix anything with money. I don’t know how else to make it up to you.”
“Some things can’t be fixed, Mom.” Tears burned my eyes and spilled over onto my cheeks.
“Oh, Cassandra.” My mom came over and wrapped me in her arms. “I will never forgive myself for abandoning you, honey. Never. I should have stood up for you. I should have been there for you and ignored your dad. I can’t take that time back, but I can try to make it up to you now. I can try to help you out for all the times I wasn’t there in the past.”
I didn’t know how to start over, and my heart hurt so bad, and I was so ridiculously overwhelmed, and now I had this reconciliation with my mom and sister, and Ben was starting preschool. I was exhausted trying to keep up with everything.
I was still wrapped in her arms and I hugged her tighter. “I’m scared to start over. And . . . And my heart hurts, Mom.” A sob ripped up my throat.
“Oh, baby.” She ran her hand over my hair. “Why does your heart hurt?”
“Because . . . because of Jax . . . And it’s over . . . And I’m worried about him.” My words came out in short bursts as I tried to pull myself together.
“Tell me about him.” The story came out of me between sobs. I didn’t tell her everything. Mostly that we broke up and things hadn’t ended well and I still loved him. I didn’t want her to know about the drugs or what happened with Ben. “It’s good you’re home. You need time to heal. We’re here for you.”
I nodded, then rested my head against her shoulder and cried quietly, taking comfort in my mom’s arms. I realized I’d taken out my pain and grief on her and I felt sick about it. “I’m sorry, Mom. I shouldn’t have chewed your head off.”
“That’s what moms are for, Cassie. We’re here to pick you up when you fall. I wasn’t there for you before, but I promise, I’ll be here for you this time.”
I stood there with my mom, holding her tight as I cried and got my feelings out. When I was done, she made me a mug of hot chocolate. Ben came in with Roxie; they’d been at a park playing.
We spent the rest of the evening eating dinner, watching movies, and eating popcorn. It felt as if I was home, at least a little bit.
But I still missed Jax so damned much it hurt.
“CASSIE! GET YOUR fucking ass up!” Roxie yelled as she burst in my bedroom. “It’s time to go!”
“I’m up. What’s your deal?” I laughed.
“They’re downstairs. Let’s go.”
I finished putting mascara on my lashes, then stood up. I had on a green dress that Roxie insisted I buy earlier in the day when we went shopping. My mom had Ben and they’d been doing fun things all day. Now, Roxie was dragging me out to a club with her and a few friends. She said I’d been holed up in the house for two months and that was one month and twenty-nine days too long. So I was in a dress, I had makeup on, and Roxie helped me style my hair in curls that cascaded around my shoulders.
I was incredibly uncomfortable.
Not because I was dressed up, but because I knew what she was hoping. She was hoping I’d move on from Jax. I’d told her every single sordid detail and she wanted to chop Jax’s balls off for hurting me. Since she couldn’t, she insisted on hooking me up with someone. It was a mystery who we were going out with tonight, but I could tell by the way she acted that it was someone I wouldn’t be thrilled with.
I slipped my heels on and followed Roxie down the stairs. Her smile was so huge that her cheeks had to hurt. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, I had to fight the urge to take my heel off and stab her in the eye with it.
“Cassie, you remember Nolan and Travis,” Roxie said, smirking.
“Of course,” I responded, trying to act naturally. Nolan had been a really good friend of mine before I went away to college. I purposely cut off contact with him when I found out I was pregnant and hadn’t seen or talked to him since. Travis was a good friend of both Nolan and Roxie. “It’s so nice to see you.” I shook hands with Travis, but Nolan pulled me into a hug.
“You look stunning,” Nolan whispered with his arms snug around me. I glared at Roxie as I loosened his embrace. I didn’t want to give him any mixed signals. We’d been friends for a long time, but he’d made it very clear how he felt about me. He asked me to every single school dance, even when I had a boyfriend. Somehow, he managed to ask me before my own boyfriend did, which made it incredibly awkward when I turned him down. I hoped he didn’t have any ideas about us hanging out.
Nothing was going to come of it.
“Thank you,” I said, patting his back quickly before pulling away.
Roxie ushered us all out of the house and I gave her the nastiest look I could muster up. She smiled and shrugged her shoulders, feigning innocence.
We went to a bar before the club—to pregame, according to Roxie. I really was going to kill her. Or try my hardest not to.
“How about we go get drinks from the bar, Travis?” Roxie said, giving him the sweetest smile she could.
“Sure,” he said. They stood and walked across the room, sitting on the stools around the bar.
“I thought we’d never be alone.” Nolan turned to me as soon as they were gone.
“It’s been awhile.” I fidgeted with my purse, uncomfortable with the intense way he examined me—like he wanted to devour me.
“Too long. Tell me about life.”
“I just moved home from Fairfax. I have a three-year-old son. I’m currently looking for a job and thinking about going back to school.”
“Cassie, there’s more to it than that. It’s been, what? Four years almost? There has to be more that’s gone on.”
“Tell me about you.”
He sat up straighter. “I finished my degree and I’m an accountant. I landed a really good job.”
For the next hour, I let him talk to me about everything and anything. I learned about his job, the people he worked with, how college was. Even though Jax and I had been over for months, it felt as if I was cheating on him by hang
ing out with Nolan and finding him funny. There were even a few times when I forgot about Jax. Then I’d remember and immediately feel guilty. I didn’t know what to do.
As the night went on and we danced, it was easier to forget about Jax and the guilt that plagued me. When Nolan pulled me into his arms during a slow song, I was able to relax and enjoy the moment. It was nice to have the constant ache in my heart stop.
It was also nice to feel wanted again. And beautiful. And worthy.
When Travis and Nolan dropped us off at home, Nolan pulled me in for a hug.
“Any time you need me, Cassie, don’t hesitate. If you need a friend, I’m here,” he said, making sure I saw how sincere he was.
“Thanks for tonight, Nolan. I really appreciate it. You’ve been a good friend.” I couldn’t help but notice the slight disappointment cross his face before he caught himself.
“I hope to see you again soon,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck.
“You will. Maybe you, me, and Ben could hang out.” I had no idea what made me say that, but I couldn’t take the words back now.
“That sounds amazing. Here—” He pulled his phone out and handed it to me. I programmed my number into his contacts. He called me after I finished and handed it back. “Now you have my number.” He smiled, leaned down, and kissed my cheek.
That was only the beginning of the Nolan era of my life.
SINCE SMOKIE HAD a tendency to run away, he was on a lead with a harness as Ben ran around the yard with him. He bobbed and weaved, chasing Ben, his tongue lolling from the side of his mouth, panting hard. Ben giggled and tried to outrun the dog.
Cassie sat next to me on a cushioned deck chair. We made sure to keep everything very friendly. I hadn’t touched her all day, other than stealing touches when Ben was distracted. Cassie didn’t want to confuse Ben or tell him about us too soon. She worried that if things didn’t work out, Ben would be upset. Even though it had been a short time, he seemed to like hanging out with me. When we went on a walk with Smokie, Ben kept tugging on my hand, pointing out different things he observed as we followed the dog. I could tell by the way Cassie watched us that she was happy. I caught her smiling, and a few times looking away and wiping her eyes.