Kung Fooey

by Graham Salisbury

  He grabbed a rag from the box. “Only the big ones.”

  We crouched around the scratch.

  “How did you even see it?” I asked. “It’s so small.”

  Clarence chuckled. “I notice everything. Watch this.”

  He opened the can, dabbed some of the scratch remover on the rag, and rubbed it across the scratch. We watched the spot turn white in the sun. When it was dry, Clarence rubbed it off.

  Poof. The scratch was gone.

  “Wow,” I said.

  “Someday when you get your own car, keep it clean. Nothing like a clean car. And when you get some kind of problem with it, fix it. Right away. Don’t wait for um to get more worse. Take care of your car and it will treat you right.”

  Uh … okay.

  Clarence put the scratch remover and the rag back in the trunk. The screen door slapped open and Stella came out of the house.

  She glared at me. “What are you doing here?”

  “I live here.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “I’m talking to Clarence.”

  “About what?” She glanced at Clarence, then back at me. “My driving?”

  Clarence put up his hands in surrender.

  “We weren’t, but we can,” I said. “Where should we start?”

  Stella bent down so we were nose to nose. “How about right here, Stump?”

  Never fight with a skunk, Ledward once told me. Even if you win you still come out smelling bad. I stepped back.

  Stella poked me with her finger. “Smart move, Shrimp.”

  “Watch it,” I said. “I know kung fu.”

  “What?”

  “Oh, sorry. For you it would be kung fooey.” I grinned and headed into the house.

  One good thing about me is I get over stuff quick.

  Except for stuff like skulls in lava tubes, and getting eaten by rats, and obake who put boulders in your road. That kind of stuff gives me nightmares.

  And that night, thanks to Benny Obi, I had nightmares.

  The next morning my sheets were twisted around my legs. My pillow was on the floor and Streak was sleeping on it. I peeked over at my clock. Only 5:48. I rolled onto my side and looked out the window. No boulders in the driveway or out on the street.

  Dang Benny. He was so weird.

  And he got weirder.

  As usual, I walked to school with Darci, Julio, and Willy. Maya rode ahead on her skateboard. Some days she rode it slowly so we could keep up with her. But this day she wanted speed.

  “Just think,” Julio said, slapping my back as we walked. “In a few weeks Stella can drive you to school.”

  I nearly choked. This could actually be true! “But … but … she doesn’t have a car.”

  Julio grinned. “Yet.”

  The thought of being in a car with Stella at the wheel made me cringe. I could see us getting from our house to school in about three minutes, garbage cans and mailboxes lying in the streets behind us.

  The second we walked into the schoolyard, Willy tapped my arm. “Check it out. Something’s going on.”

  A pack of kids were bunched up over by the cafeteria. The kids in back were jumping to see over the ones in front. Looked like the entire fourth grade was there.

  “Let’s go!” I said.

  We all ran over, except for Darci, who headed to her classroom.

  “Ahhh!” somebody gasped.

  “Eeew!”

  “Gross!”

  Willy, Julio, and I pushed and shoved our way to the front. Facing us … was Benny Obi.

  “What’s going on?” I asked Ace, who sat a couple rows behind me in Mr. Purdy’s class.

  “Benny’s eating bugs.”

  “What?”

  “Sick,” Julio said, his eyes bulging.

  When Benny saw us, he held up a box about the size of a deck of cards. The label on it read LARVETS. “Dried worms,” he said.

  Ick.

  Benny grinned and read the print on the box. “ ‘Real edible worms! Original snacks in barbecue sauce, cheddar cheese, and Mexican spice. Flavored for your eating pleasure. Savor the crunch!’ ”

  Savor the crunch? Gotta be kidding.

  He took one out. It looked like a small French fry.

  But it was a worm. Dried-out and stiff.

  Benny put it in his mouth and made it crunch loud enough for everyone to hear.

  “Aww, man!” someone said.

  Someone else made a gakking sound.

  “You’re going to get sick, new kid!”

  “That’s so gross!”

  Benny crunched louder, then swallowed and smacked his lips. Man, he was as weird as a caged mongoose.

  “Got something else, too,” he said. “Check it out.”

  He put the box of Larvets in his baggy pants pocket and took out another one.

  “Crick-Ettes,” he said, and read the label. “ ‘Real edible crickets! Original snacks in salt and vinegar, bacon and cheddar cheese, and sour cream and onion seasoning.’ Yum!”

  Maya squeezed in next to us. “What’s going on?”

  “Benny’s eating bugs.”

  “Serious?”

  “Worms and crickets … so far.”

  Benny held up a dried cricket for Maya to see. “Tasty treats,” he said, and dropped it in his mouth.

  Crunch.

  Maya stared at him. “You know what, Benny? There’s something wrong with you. Seriously. People don’t eat bugs.”

  “What do you mean?” Benny said, sticking his fingers into the box for another cricket. “People eat bugs all over the world. Bugs have nutrients. Here, try one.”

  He held out a cricket to Maya.

  Maya jumped back. The cricket looked like some dead old dried-up bug you’d find under your bed or in your closet. “Get that out of my face!”

  Benny tossed it into his mouth.

  Snap! Crunch!

  I nudged Julio with my elbow. “All day sitting next to him, you’re going to smell bug breath.”

  Julio scowled. “If I do, I’ll … I’ll …”

  I cracked up.

  “Shuddup.”

  I laughed harder.

  The bell rang and the crowd broke up.

  Benny stuffed the box of Crick-Ettes back into his baggy pants and patted his pocket. “Recess time,” he said, looking at me, Willy, and Julio, “I got something even better to show you.”

  “Can’t wait,” Julio mumbled.

  All morning Mr. Purdy went on about some old civilization in Mexico. But I was only half listening because I was in the front row. Which meant I was close to Mr. Purdy’s desk. And on Mr. Purdy’s desk was our class pet, Manly Stanley, the centipede—a bug.

  “Watch your back, Manly,” I whispered. “Benny’s eating bugs today.”

  Manly looked up. Huh?

  “Mr. Coconut?”

  “Uh … yeah?”

  Mr. Purdy gave me the pay-attention-or-die teacher look. “Am I boring you this morning?”

  “Ah, no, Mr. Purdy. I’m listening.”

  “Huh,” Mr. Purdy said. “Could have fooled me.”

  “You were talking about … Mexico?”

  Mr. Purdy studied me, shook his head, then turned back to the class. Lucky I at least caught that one word. The day had just started and already Benny Obi was getting me in trouble.

  After lunch, all the guys in our class went out on the field with Benny. He had more stuff in his baggy pants pockets.

  The girls stayed away. Benny’s bugs were too gross for them.

  “Check this out,” Benny said as we crowded around him.

  He looked up over our heads, like he was making sure no teachers were around. I looked up, too. Was he going to do something that might really get us into trouble?

  Benny pulled another small box out of his deep-pocket pants. He kept the label covered so we couldn’t see it.

  Man, he had a whole grocery store in those pants.

  Benny grinned. “The star of them all.”<
br />
  “Show us.”

  “What is it?”

  “Come on, new kid.”

  Still keeping the label covered, Benny opened the box and pulled out another kind of bug. He held it up, admiring it. “Chocolate-covered.”

  “What is it?” Willy asked.

  “What does it look like?”

  We inched closer. Its tail was curved. “No,” I gasped. “A scorpion?”

  Everyone stepped back.

  Benny laughed. “It’s dead. Don’t worry.”

  “Holy bazooks!” someone cried. The bug had pokey horns and a curved tail, all covered in chocolate.

  “Is there really a scorpion in there?” I asked. “Or is it just chocolate shaped like one?”

  “It’s real,” Benny said. “Watch.”

  He held it up by its stinger tail and lowered it halfway into his mouth.

  I held my breath. Nobody but nobody eats scorpions, I don’t care how many nutrients are in them. There’s poison in their stingers.

  Snip.

  Benny bit it in half, chewed and swallowed, then showed us the half he didn’t eat.

  “Aw, man,” Julio said, putting a hand to his throat.

  Because once it was cut in half, you could see the scorpion’s dried guts. My stomach rolled. Benny was bat-brain crazy.

  He finished off the other half, stuck the box back in his pocket, and pulled out one last thing.

  He held it up. “Anyone want it?”

  It looked like a lollipop. It had black specks in it.

  Julio squinted. “What’s in it? Pepper?”

  “Ants.”

  Julio walked away, shaking his head. “I’m outta here.”

  “I want it,” I said, snapping the lollipop out of Benny’s hand. I read the label on the clear plastic wrapper. “ ‘Antlix Lollipop.’ Cool.”

  I stuck it in my pocket.

  “I saw your dad in Las Vegas,” Benny said as the crowd broke up.

  I froze. “What? What did you say?”

  “Your dad. I saw his show in Las Vegas.”

  My mind jumped all over the place. No one had ever said anything like that to me before. “No you didn’t, Benny. You’re making that up. Somebody just told you about him.”

  My dad was in Las Vegas, but still …

  Benny shrugged. “Think what you want.”

  “I will,” I said.

  What a liar. How could he say that to somebody whose dad left them?

  Just wasn’t right.

  Benny headed back toward the classroom.

  I scowled at him. He was so full of made-up stuff he couldn’t even tell the truth about one thing. Dumb weird weirdo.

  As Benny passed the tree where Tito, Bozo, and Frankie Diamond were lounging, Tito picked up a pebble and threw it at him.

  The pebble hit Benny in the back.

  “Hey, Kung Fu! Come back here! You and me can do some Jackie Chan!”

  Benny kept on walking.

  “Buuuk-buk-buk,” Tito cackled, flapping chicken-wing arms.

  Back home after school, Darci, Willy, Maya, Julio, and I ran over to Foodland. Clarence was teaching Stella how to park in the parking lot. We wanted a good seat so we scrambled up to sit on the cinder-block wall.

  “They’ll be here any minute,” I said.

  Foodland’s parking lot was about half full. There were lots of spaces Stella could pull into, and some were the kind you had to back into.

  “So what did Benny do after lunch?” Maya asked.

  Julio snorted. “Ate a scorpion.”

  Maya’s jaw dropped. “You’re kidding.”

  “Nope. We saw it.”

  “That’s just sick.”

  Willy elbowed me. “Here they come.”

  Clarence’s big, clean pink-and-black car bounced into the parking lot a little too fast. Stella was driving. Clarence sat in the passenger seat looking calm. How could he do that? Wasn’t he worried about his car?

  When Stella saw us sitting on the wall she hit the brakes. The car jerked to a stop. She stuck her head out the window. “What are you doing here? Go home! I don’t want you watching me.”

  “Free country,” I said.

  Stella narrowed her eyes. For sure, I was going to pay for this. But I thought, You know what? It’ll be worth it. “Go ahead,” I said. “Don’t let us stop you.”

  Clarence sat waiting. He didn’t frown or smile or say a word. He was patient, that guy. Nothing seemed to bother him.

  Someone pulled into the lot behind them. Stella jerked the car ahead, scowling.

  “Hoo-ie,” Julio said, slapping his thigh. “You better lock your bedroom door tonight, because she might come in there and tie your neck in a knot.”

  “I know kung fu,” I said.

  Julio laughed.

  “I can’t wait to drive,” Willy said. “In California, my dad let me sit on his lap and steer the car. It was awesome.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I was in second grade the first time I did it.”

  “Watch,” Maya said, nodding toward the parking lot. She pulled a bag of peanut M&M’s out of her pocket and passed it around. “Here we go.”

  Stella was creeping into a parking space between two cars, but Clarence made her stop because the door on his side was about to hit the back bumper of the parked car. Stella backed up and tried again. I noticed Clarence wasn’t looking so calm now.

  This time Stella did it right. Almost. She’d parked without hitting the cars on either side of her. But if Clarence wanted to get out he’d have to crawl over to Stella’s side.

  Clarence wiped his forehead with his fingers.

  Stella backed out of the parking space, with Clarence sticking his head out the window to watch how close she was coming to the car on his side. Looked like inches to me.

  “Lucky no cars are behind her,” Willy said. “They’d be honking, she’s so slow.”

  After Stella managed to get the car out of that space, she drove around looking for another one. At the top of the gently sloping parking lot, somebody had left a shopping cart.

  Stella hit it.

  She jerked to a stop, the bumper tapping the cart and sending it rolling down toward a shiny clean fancy black car.

  Clarence jumped out and ran after the runaway cart. He caught it just before it smashed into the black car.

  Stella sat gripping the wheel, watching.

  Clarence ran the cart over to the cart corral and got back in the car with Stella.

  Stella drove around looking for another place to park.

  “You know what Benny said yesterday at school?”

  Julio turned to me. “Bugs have nutrients?”

  “He said he saw my dad in Las Vegas.”

  Darci leaned forward and looked over at me. “He did? He saw Dad?”

  “He’s such a liar,” I said.

  “No kidding,” Maya said. “He’s like a water faucet on an old house. Whenever you turn it on rust comes out. You can’t trust anything he says.”

  “Yeah,” Willy added. “Guy’s too weird.”

  “A freak,” Julio said.

  I frowned. Calling him a freak didn’t feel right. He was just strange, that’s all. Different.

  “Did it make you feel bad when he said that?” Willy asked.

  “Huh … what?”

  “Did it make you feel bad when Benny said he saw your dad? I mean, lying like that?”

  I shrugged. It made me feel something, but I didn’t know what.

  “Look,” Maya said. “She’s backing into a parking space.”

  After six tries, Stella got it right.

  Sort of.

  Ledward came over for dinner that night. He brought a key lime pie with graham cracker crust, my all-time favorite dessert in the whole world after coffee ice cream, bread pudding with raisins, and hot fudge sundaes with peanuts.

  “How’s the driving practice going?” he asked Stella as we sat at the table eating meat loaf, mashed potatoes and gravy, an
d boiled soybeans in the pod.

  Stella was in one of her don’t-bother-me moods.

  “Fine,” she said, not looking up.

  “You got somebody helping you?”

  “Yeah.”

  Ledward nodded. “Who’s that?”

  “Clarence.”

  “That big boy with the pink car?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You think you ready for the driving test?”

  “Close.”

  “What’s the hardest part?”

  “Parking.”

  I was only half listening, because I was thinking about tasting what I had in my pocket: the Antlix lollipop I got from Benny Obi. Could I actually do it?

  “She practiced at Foodland today,” Darci told Ledward. “In the parking lot.”

  “She hit a shopping cart,” I added.

  Stella glared at me, unblinking.

  “Uh … but Clarence got out and caught it before it smashed into somebody’s car.”

  The look on Stella’s face was turning dangerous.

  I studied my plate.

  “Stella’s a good driver, Led,” Mom said. “I’ve taken her out a couple of times, too. She did just fine.”

  Ledward nodded and leaned toward Stella. “I know what you can do when you put your mind to it.” He reached out and patted Stella’s hand.

  Stella pulled her hand away.

  Ledward tapped the table and sat back.

  “We’ll all go out to lunch to celebrate when she gets her license,” Mom said. “Stella will drive, of course.”

  “If she passes,” I added.

  Stella kicked me under the table.

  “Ow! What’d you do that for?”

  “A bad day is in your future.”

  “Ooo, I’m scared,” I said, reaching down to rub my shin.

  Stella grinned. It wasn’t pretty.

  Then an idea hit me. Oh! Yes!

  That’s how ideas come; out of nowhere. You’re just sitting there minding your own business, and boom—something good pops up.

  “You know what, Stella?” I said. “I take that back. For sure you’ll pass. You’re not such a bad driver. I mean, over at Foodland you did pretty good.”

  Stella eyed me.

  Mom smiled. “Now, there is the Calvin we all know and love.”