by Jillian Neal
"When she told you she was on the pill," Callie stated succinctly.
"How'd you know?"
"It was the way you froze last night when I said the same thing. The hurt in your eyes. I'm so sor—"
"Do not," he growled.
She gave him a doleful smile. "But what if I want to be turned over your knee."
Holy fuck. That statement caused him to have to readjust his cock lest the zipper of his Wranglers leave permanent teeth marks. "Yeah well, we'll get to all of that later. I won't have you apologizing for anything that has to do with me and her. I don't want you to have anything to do with her at all. Ever." She'd gone as far that morning as to make sure he saw her popping a birth control pill out of one of those spin-dial pill packages and taking it with her coffee. He couldn't stand that she thought she had to prove herself to him. He wouldn't have it. "A few weeks later she showed up at my house pretending to be crying."
"She couldn't even muster real tears?" Callie gasped.
Ford huffed out, "You have to feel bad for something you're doing to be able to cry, I guess. Anyway, she said she was late and that I was the only guy she'd been with in months. I don't know why I never questioned it. I never even asked to see a pregnancy test. I told myself that it was a shitty thing to ask to see after what I thought I'd done to her."
"Do you know why you never questioned it now?"
"Yeah." He cleared his throat and tried to figure out how to explain where he'd been in his life all those years ago. "I think it's kinda what you were saying earlier about the universe giving us signs. I thought that was a sign that my old man was right. I was supposed to settle down. Part of me thought it was a well-deserved punishment, to tell you God's honest truth. Instead of pushing back against the kind of man my parents wanted me to be, I decided maybe I could become that man. Dad knocked Mama up with me a few months before they got married, and they'd made it work. I thought maybe that's what I needed to finally get my shit together. Plus, I was kinda excited to have a little plowboy I could teach to be a real cattle rancher."
"If you barely knew each other, why do you think she trapped you like that?"
Of all the things she'd asked, that one was going to be the most difficult to answer. There were so many things the Holder name stood for. The reason Meritt had chosen him was his least favorite reason. "Her daddy was hard on her," he tried but knew he was stalling. "She grew up in a double-wide in Odell out on the other side of the tracks. She went to Maxwell with me, but she's a couple of years younger. Her family never had much."
Callie squeezed his hand. "She did it for the money." She completed the puzzle with just the few pieces he'd handed her.
"Yeah, but see it's not like that exactly. It's not what she thought it was going to be, and that really pissed her off. I’m not saying I hurt for anything at all, but most of the money Holder Ranch makes goes right back into Holder Land and Cattle. It's not mine to spend. We all work together. We all take a nice salary, but cattle ranching is a crapshoot. In the years that we're hurting, we dip into the business accounts. But the years that turn a nice profit we put it back in the company. There's a season for everything, and I've seen 'em all."
"Oh, so you're saying that she got into the marriage thinking that she could have all of the money that all of you make, but most of that money isn't yours alone."
"Precisely. A couple days after she showed up on my front porch fake crying, I asked my daddy for my grandmother's ring and gave it to her. She got what she wanted. We were married three weeks after that."
"When did you figure out she wasn't really pregnant?"
"She told me she lost the baby a few weeks after we spent the weekend at our family's chalet in Telluride. Only, she never acted like she was hurting or sad or anything. I didn't know much about how all of that worked other than when I'd seen it happen to cows. It always kills me to see 'em go through it 'cause they hurt with it. It never made any sense to me that she was so flippant about it, but I kept my mouth shut. A few months after that, I asked if she wanted to try again. She said she didn't want kids anymore."
Callie shook her head. "I'm about to make you mad at me," she whispered.
"I could never be mad at you."
"Well, I am so sorry that she did that to you. I'm sorry you never had kids."
"I'm going to let that one stand with one reservation."
That got him a broken smile. "What’s your reservation?"
"That you don't think I'm falling for you because I'd like to have kids someday."
"I don't think that at all, but I'm glad you told me that."
"I went from wanting to be the exact opposite man from my daddy to wanting to be just like him. I didn't get either."
"Did you ever think about being exactly who you're supposed to be?"
The girl wasn't lying about asking the tough questions. "I'm not sure I know who that is, but since she's gone I’m thinking maybe I can finally figure it out."
Chapter Thirty-Two
Callie always tried not to hate people, but she was willing to make an exception on Meritt's behalf. If she ever got the chance to tell Meritt exactly what she thought of her, she wouldn't be able to hold her tongue.
Ford parked the truck at a massive barn where there was a gathering of lots of other Holder men. Callie snapped a quick picture of the men in cowboy hats and Carhart jackets. Determination and resign seemed to be frozen in their pose.
She climbed out of the truck and watched Ford take his place in the pack of well-built cowboys. "We got water gaps down in at least three ponds. Have you checked the bred heifers we had out near the creek by your house? he asked his brother Jamie.
"I checked the ones I could find. I'm worried. I'm about to go out in a feed truck and see if I can round up the others."
"They're fine. Just got spooked last night," Ford reassured him.
Callie only understood bits and pieces of what they were saying, but she didn't care. Trying to remain unnoticed, she lifted her camera again and snapped a photo of Ford's face as he consoled his brother. He was so steady and sure. The entire group settled in his presence as if they sensed his calm as well.
She also snapped a quick pic of his gorgeous ass caught up in leather chaps. That would not be a difficult thing to look at every day.
Two men, much older than Ford, approached. Both were in mud-laden boots.
"Dad, Uncle Gentry, there's someone I want you to meet, " Ford gestured for her to join him in the group. A dozen questions immediately sprang into her mind. Were they to the meeting parents part yet? Well, he had met her father, but Abe wasn't really much of a parent. Certainly not like Barrett Holder was, anyway. "This is Callie Monroe, my girlfriend." Oh, okay then, apparently they were not only to the parent-meeting part, but they were also to the girlfriend part. That was a bit of a problem considering that Derrick still hadn't responded to her lengthy email, and none of Ford's brothers or cousins looked particularly pleased with his announcement.
Callie tried frantically to smooth her tangled hair before she accepted Mr. Holder's hand. "Um, it's so nice to meet you, sir." She stopped short of curtsying and called herself a dummy for even thinking about it. She repeated the gesture with his uncle. Both of the men gave her kind, fatherly smiles. Not something she'd ever gotten from her own father, but she knew what they looked like when they happened. Warm breath swirled in her lungs despite the cool, crisp morning.
Ford's father took in the infinite horizon. "You as well, sweetheart. I promise the ranch isn't usually in such a state. We'll have to get you back out here once we get it all cleaned up."
"Oh, it's still so beautiful. I mean," her head fell, "no one's at their best all the time, right?" She hoped he understood that she did not always look like she'd just spent a wild night in his son's bed.
Barrett Holder's chuckle was just a little lower than his son's. He turned to Ford. "Forgive me for saying so, son, but your taste in women has vastly improved since the last one you brought to m
eet me. Callie, dear, would you mind riding out with Ford and Jamie? We've got a few calves bogged in mud. They're all right for the time being, but there's enough it's going to take all hands."
"Yes, sir. I'm happy to help. I just...don't know how to ride a horse."
"Oh, I bet Ford'll be happy to teach you how to ride," one of the cousins or maybe it was one of his brothers teased.
"Shut the fuck up, Maddox," Ford snapped, eliciting laughter from everyone else. "We can go out in the truck, baby. You can take some pictures of us pulling them out if you want. Nobody ever wants shots of real work on a ranch. Everybody wants the sunset pictures."
"Instead of the work that went into owning the land to take the sunset pictures on," she concluded for him. Suddenly, those sunrise pictures she'd wanted to add to her portfolio felt a little shallow.
All of the other cowboys, who’d just looked concerned that she was Ford’s girlfriend, seemed to reassess her. It was almost as if she’d unlocked some old, secret safe of knowledge that they all shared. Okay, so maybe figuring out how to be a cowboy’s wife wouldn’t be quite as hard as she was thinking.
"Something like that." He brushed a kiss on her cheek.
Mr. Holder cleared his throat. "After that I need someone to check the mustangs."
"I'll do that, too," Ford volunteered. "Callie's wanting to see them."
"I'd appreciate it. Let's get the calves out of the mud, and then we'll start in on those water gaps."
"You and I can get the calves out, Dad. Let Jamie and Wes gather so we can make sure there aren't more out there bogged," Ford suggested. "Then we'll get the gaps."
"Sounds like a plan."
Callie wondered if Ford could see how like his father he was. How the entire ranch looked to him for how to fix a bad situation. Her heart swelled out its pride. He was hers. And unless she got some kind of sign that he shouldn't be, she was going to think about sticking around. Maybe.
Only she had no idea how to even ride a horse or how to do anything else on this massive ranch. She didn't even know where the gates were, or how to drive anywhere. Surely, she couldn't possibly fit in here for very long.
Self-doubt sliced through her, severing the reassurances she’d had a moment before. She was the girl who didn't really belong anywhere. At that thought, her phone rang in her pocket. Deeply regretting the Britney Spears song she'd made her ringtone, which had seemed appropriate at the time she'd done it, she answered before the song could draw any more attention.
"Nana, hi." Crap. She was going to have to lie in front of Ford's daddy and all of his family. Racing back to his truck she heaved herself inside and shut the door. "Remember I told you Ford was picking me up super early this morning. I'm taking pictures on the ranch." There. None of that was untrue.
"I've been up since four. Your window was open and things in your room got damp from the rain. Please stop lying to me. Sneaking out is precisely something your—"
"Mother would do. Yeah, I know." Shit. How could she have forgotten to shut that window. Well, maybe her mother had felt trapped. Maybe that's why she'd rebelled just like Ford said he had. Callie honestly had no idea, but just then she wasn't going to sugarcoat things for her grandmother anymore. "Ford and I have decided to start dating while I'm here. He's such a good man. I might stay out here with him sometimes. Overnight," she spelled out exactly how this was going to work.
"I don't think that's appropriate. People will talk. It's sinful."
"I know this is going to be hard for you to hear, but I don't care."
"He'll break your heart. That's what all of those Holder boys do. He ran wild in his youth, and he's much too old for you."
"Pops is eight years older than you," Callie defied.
"Your Pops is a good man."
"So is Ford."
"If this doesn't work out, it will hurt both of you. Is that what you want?"
"Of course not." But there was no stopping it. It would be like trying to hold back the wind. If they were going to get hurt, there was nothing she could do but throw herself face first into the pain. Nothing about leaving Derrick had hurt her. Not really. It had scared her a little. She'd been scared of leaving the security and of being alone, but fears aren't enough to hold a relationship together. Eventually you run out of fear and you’re left with nothingness. Nothing to cling to. Nothing to wish for. Just barren land that grows nothing. She cleared her throat. "I know your heart is in the right place, Nana. I know how much you love me, and that you're always trying to take care of me, but I'm going to see this through. If I get my heart broken then so be it."
"Calico Anna Monroe, you need to come home so we can discuss this."
For the first time since the night she'd climbed the water tower when she was a teenager, Callie openly defied her grandmother. "No."
"Pardon me?"
"No, I'm not coming back to your house. Not now."
"I've never heard you sound so much like Willow. That should say something to you."
"I have to make my own mistakes," choked from Callie.
"So, you admit he's a mistake then."
"No. Maybe. I don't know but I'm going to find out, and you're not going to stop me." God, that felt good. In that moment, Callie understood that she was going to have to make people listen to her on occasion. No matter who she upset or what the ramifications might be.
That particular time her grandmother, the woman who'd largely turned Callie into the woman she'd become, hung up on her. Well, that was fine.
Power surged through her, and she touched Derrick's name on her phone. She was going to be heard. He finally answered on the third ring. "It's four fucking o'clock in the morning. What do you want?"
Nice way to talk to the woman who'd devoted four years of her life to his dreams. "Did you get my email?"
"Yeah, I got it but that was...way too many words."
Some very odd, almost inhuman, seething noise managed its way out from between her clenched teeth. "We are breaking up."
"Yeah, okay. Whatever. Mom's expecting you at that gala this weekend, and I still need you to shoot our spot for Twitch. Whenever you get over whatever it is you're so pissed about, come back so we can get back to normal."
"NO! I am not coming back. I am not going to any more galas for your parents or shooting you playing video games ever again. We. Are. Over!"
"Right. Okay. I'm going back to bed. I told you I wasn't dealing with you when you're PMSing anymore." And then Derrick hung up on her as well.
If it wouldn't have potentially harmed Ford's truck and her phone, she swore she would've thrown it at the windshield. When she was able to see beyond her own rage, she noticed that every Holder male standing outside the truck was staring at her like she'd lost her mind.
Ford eased the driver's side door open. "You okay, baby?"
"Sorry. I was just really frustrated."
"Sounded kinda like you were drowning a cat. It's several miles to the bogged calves. You can tell me what got my girl so ornery while I drive."
Chapter Thirty-Three
That afternoon, Callie adjusted the focus of her camera on the impressive tug and tensing of Ford's bicep while he pulled baling wire with something called a fence stretcher. He was standing in the creek with muddy water up to his knees, but he didn't seem to mind. The job had to be done. Callie had never seen anyone work with such focus and intensity. She tried to capture that in her photos along with the times he turned to her and winked while he worked.
She swore a swarm of fireflies erupted from her belly every single time he did that. The warmth eased all of the problems that existed just outside the high gates of Holder Ranch. When she was in his presence on his ranch, the rest of the world was just too far away to worry over. Derrick and Nana and Nina Morales and everything else couldn't touch her there.
As if to mock her newfound security, her phone buzzed in her pocket. She lowered her camera on the strap around her neck and ground her teeth at the text from Derrick demandi
ng an apology from her for awakening him so early in the morning.
You are such an asshole. She shoved the phone back in her pocket and debated texting him exactly what she thought of him or just ignoring him altogether. He'd ignored her for over a year. Maybe if she just stopped trying to get through to him, he'd fade away into whatever his next obsession would be. All she knew is that she would be photographing snowmen in hell before she'd apologize to him for anything ever again.
When Ford finished repairing the gaps, he ran a handkerchief over his face and told Callie to hop back up in the truck. "You're mighty bossy," she teased.
"And you like that, sugar."
She certainly couldn't argue that. She didn't just like it. She loved it. Loved that he was always looking out for her and had her best interests at heart. She loved it in his bed as well.
If she'd known where he was taking her, she wouldn't have bothered teasing him so they could've gotten there even faster. "Oh my gosh!" she gasped as he drove his truck along a fence line. The pounding of hooves at full gallop shook through the truck as he followed the mustangs. Their manes flew out behind them from their speed. "They're amazing."
While they were the very same kind of animal as the ranch horses Ford had shown her, you could tell they were different. Their wildness was alight in their eyes. None of them seemed to mind Ford's truck, but they also weren't going to stop to let him love on them the way Ford's horse, Chief, had done. It must've been incredible for them to still be mostly unrestrained but also to know they were safe.
"That one there foaled a few weeks back. We only keep mares here, but sometimes they send 'em to us already knocked up. The mares won't let us help them, of course, but she pulled through. She had me worried for a while."
Callie grinned at the small foal trying to keep up with his mama. "How long have you had them here?"
"Since I was a kid. The government has to control the overpopulation, so we stepped in to help." He stopped the truck and let her video the horses dancing in the field. "Hey, are you ever gonna tell me what got you up in arms this morning?"