With Everything I Have

by Cooper, R.

  “I’m surprised you never became obsessed with dirigibles,” he remarked, watching Peter’s hand go still over the image of a sleek, strange autowagon. Sebastian wasn’t complaining. He was grateful Peter had stayed on the ground.

  Peter didn’t look up but he did take a sip of tea. “You don’t like it when I try to fly. You never have,” he observed calmly.

  Sebastian stopped with his tea at his mouth. He was used to Peter noticing, not to Peter understanding what he was seeing. “Had some ideas?” he asked as easily as he could.

  “Several.” If not for the blush, he wouldn’t have been able to tell that last night Peter had used his mouth on a man for the first time, on Sebastian for the first time, and then ducked his head afterward so shyly that Sebastian had dragged him forward and held him in his arms despite all of Peter’s squirming. After a while the squirming had stopped and Peter had adjusted to being held.

  Sebastian was paying for it now, he suspected. “That’s good,” he replied, stiff and uncomfortable to see Peter acting so carefully.

  Peter’s gaze crept up to his face. “Was it satisfactory for you as well,” he coughed, “last night? I did not go too far?” His voice became a whisper. “Or ask too much from you?”

  “Well well,” Sebastian responded lightly despite his embarrassment. He should have stopped to dress. “More than satisfactory. Very much more then.” He tried to be merry. Peter squinted at him, then returned to his sketch. A curl fell over his brow.

  “I recall making several mistakes.” His shame was too much. It struck Sebastian clear through the middle at the same time he realized that part of Peter expected the worst from him and always would, despite what his logical mind told him.

  “I recall you making none.” Sebastian didn’t pause or slow to think. He answered and reached down to pull Peter’s hair back, then to sweep thumb over Peter’s cheek. Peter’s skin was hot to the touch.

  Peter shivered but still did not look at him. “It was not too much?”

  That was enough of that. It was far too early in the day for Peter to not at least be sure of this one thing. “Look at me,” Sebastian told him and was taken aback by how quickly Peter turned to obey. “There is never too much.” It wasn’t entirely honest, so Sebastian sighed but he didn’t look away. “Sometimes I might be tired or you might be tired, but there can never be too much. I will always want that.” He smoothed out the line between Peter’s eyes and took a deep breath. “I will always want you. I always have.”

  “Your whole life long.” Peter’s voice was not raised; it was not a question. Sebastian was confused for a moment or two, unsure when Peter had reached that conclusion, correct though it was. He could not tell from the tone of Peter’s voice if Peter welcomed the idea. But in for a penny, he nodded.

  “Yes.” It was simple but it was everything. “My whole life long.”

  Peter broke eye contact to stare at Sebastian’s chest. “You are in love with me.” It was another observation.

  “Yes.” Sebastian was already naked. It didn’t make it easier but they had come this far, there was no use stopping now. “I love you.” He was amazed at the lack of tightness in his chest, how easy it was to breathe now that he had said it. He said it again. It made his cheeks burn and his head light. He should never have waited. “I love you, Peter, and I am in love with you, and I want you. I have done so for years. I have no doubt I will continue to do so.” It seemed insane to smile at a moment like this but he smiled at Peter’s bemused expression. He was flying. “I told you there was a difference.”

  “What’s the difference?” He had Peter’s full attention, every skeptical, frightened ounce of it. Sebastian touched Peter’s cheek again and Peter’s eyelids came down. His lips parted though not a breath escaped them as he listened.

  Sebastian tried to think of the best way to explain it before giving up. He was no poet and never would be. He shrugged. “One is up and down, it’s sickness and joy and physical passions. Everything you are afraid of when you are out among people. It’s like… being in the car with you at the wheel. I have no choice but to hang on with everything I have. And yet,” he stroked along Peter’s cheekbone, “and yet there is no better place for me.”

  Peter shuddered against him, pushing his face into Sebastian’s palm. “The other, Sebastian? What is the other?” He released his tight grip on his pencil and put his hand on Sebastian’s hip. His other hand followed shortly after, sliding down to Sebastian’s thigh.

  Sebastian allowed himself the pleasure feeling Peter’s hair on the back of his hand. “The other is steady. It’s this moment right now. It means that even if you never wanted me to touch you again, I would be here for you. You are my dearest friend.”

  Peter’s eyes came open. “What if I can’t feel that for you?” He wrinkled his brow and pulled back to give Sebastian a worried look. “You are my… you are Sebastian. You are the best man in the world, I think, on level with Smythe. I won’t hurt you. That is, I won’t want to. But, you say you love me, Bash.” He dropped his gaze. “But what if I can’t feel that way for you? I have tried to understand what it is that would make you happy, if I should risk losing you or try to be that kind of man.” Peter breathed hard into Sebastian’s skin. “I cannot lose you but what if I cannot love you?”

  The laugh that burst out of Sebastian surprised them both, although Peter’s scowl was considerably harsher than Sebastian felt he deserved. It was possible that Sebastian was in too good a humour to be an accurate judge, but it had been a busy night and the discoveries had carried over into the morning. He held his tongue rather than apologise or explain. Peter could figure this one out on his own.

  After a moment Peter’s eyes grew big. “I already do,” he realized aloud, surprise rich in his voice. He looked up. “Sebastian,” he began but stopped. His eyes swept up and down over Sebastian’s body, no doubt seeing everything there was to see but for once understanding it. “I already do,” he said again, adjusting to the idea with a little tremor. He whispered each realization as it came to him. “I love you. Your autowagons. Sebastian, I built them for you. I drive them with you. Everyone knows, don’t they?” It could have been shame or anger in Peter’s tone. He shuddered, perhaps loathing himself once more, but Sebastian did not stop petting him, not for an instant. Peter seemed pained. “They know what I did not. When you are gone from me, I,” he lowered his head, “feel an emptiness that even food can’t fill. Then when you are here there are times I can’t think. I thought it was lust, Bash, passion.”

  “Did you?” Sebastian was quite unprepared when Peter shut his eyes and put his face against his hip. He slid a hand down Sebastian’s thigh.

  “It was terrible when you touched me. But touching you… the moment I touched you, I knew there was no going back. I need more, Sebastian. I might need you always.”

  Sebastian opened his mouth but couldn’t speak. It wasn’t hope glowing warm and bright inside of him. It was hope answered. He thought it might be joy. Peter stroked another touch down his leg, curling his hand to use the back of his fingers, and Sebastian knew it was.

  Peter’s lips moved against his skin. “You should have told me.”

  “Yes.” Sebastian drew his hand up from Peter’s shoulders, along his neck to bring Peter’s chin up.

  Peter’s eyes took longer to follow suit. “You are sure you want me? You should have someone better, Sebastian. Someone you do not have to tell such obvious things. One of the others you fuck, if they are good to you.” He was holding onto Sebastian with both hands despite his words. “If they admire you in public as well as private and when you touch them they—” Peter broke off there.

  Sebastian understood. He had choked on his own feelings for Peter often enough. “It’s all right, Peter.”

  “No, it isn’t!” Peter glared up at him. “If you find someone, it must be someone who sees more than you as you are in public.” One of them was shaking. Sebastian put his hands over Peter’s and Peter tugged
them free only to take hold of him again. “You are bright and laughing and handsome,” Peter told him tensely. “You are the one who listens to his mother and sees that I sleep and am fed. The one who forces me to see others, to do better. You need someone who sees that.”

  Sebastian had never been on the receiving end of so furious a compliment. He touched Peter’s jaw and then sank down to his knees to look Peter in the face. “You do.” It was his turn to make an observation. “You see all of that.”

  Peter exhaled, his head dipping in a slow, sad nod. He knew, but he still thought Sebastian better off with someone else. He was Sebastian’s to touch, so Sebastian touched him. He had barely laid a finger on him before Peter pushed himself from his chair onto his knees. He threw himself at Sebastian with his eyes tightly closed.

  The kiss landed on Sebastian’s cheek but Peter adjusted quickly, turning until he found Sebastian’s mouth. It was forceful only for a moment and then Peter gasped against his lips and gave a harsh shiver. Sebastian wrapped his arms around him.

  “Is it so bad?” Sebastian murmured into Peter’s ear, running his hands over Peter’s back. Peter burrowed against him.

  “Damn it, yes,” Peter hissed but finally went still. “Would you like me to say it?”

  “I’m afraid I do.” Sebastian’s voice cracked. He wasn’t embarrassed.

  Peter huffed at him. “I love you.”

  Sebastian did not even have it in him to feel smug. He closed his eyes. “I know.” It escaped on a sigh before he opened his eyes again.

  “Apparently everyone does.” Peter was not letting it go. Sebastian had not expected him to. “Your mother knew.” Peter’s face was burning against him. “Your mother. And the valet.” Peter did not explain himself on that one. “I think Smythe as well, Bash.”

  Sebastian frowned. “I shouldn’t be surprised after you let him in here.”

  “I didn’t.” Peter seemed outraged at the very notion. “He brought the tray on his own but only into the outer room. I brought it in here.”

  “You didn’t ask for tea?” Sebastian took a moment, then recalled the servants watching them at dinner the night before. “What did he say?”

  “To call downstairs when we were ready to eat.” Peter hummed and sat back. His expression was displeased. “He seemed almost chipper this morning. I did not get a chance to ask him why.”

  Sebastian considered it and decided to ignore that happy news in favor of more fascinating developments. “You love me.” Peter instantly dropped his head to glare up at him. Sebastian grinned. “I love you.” Peter’s glare only grew more intense, as did his blush.

  “Yes.” He growled. “As everyone knew but me.” He was easy to soothe. Sebastian tugged his shirt from his trousers and unbuttoned it. He pulled it from Peter’s body without bothering to remove Peter’s braces. They were taut against his skin. Peter’s eyes went very wide.

  Sebastian took hold of one brace strap. “You know more than you think you do, Peter.” He took hold of the other one. He did not have to pull; Peter came forward on his own.

  “I do?” Peter wondered, already whining for how close their mouths were without a kiss being offered. Sebastian rewarded him with one, a small one. Peter whined again. “How do I?”

  “Your autos,” Sebastian revealed, running his hands up and down the braces to feel Peter’s skin, how Peter’s breathing grew fast. “Your autos say everything, Peter. Even your rejected designs.” He nodded vaguely toward the papers on the floor with them.

  Peter inched closer. “They are for you,” he confessed. “I thought… bench seats. Wide bench seats. Wide enough for you to bugger me.” He was shy and crude and marvelous.

  Sebastian nudged Peter’s mouth open then dropped his head to kiss over the beard burn he had left at Peter’s jaw and throat. He used his teeth on Peter’s earlobe. “Or,” he suggested in the wicked tone that his mother despaired of, “wide enough for you to bugger me.”

  Peter grabbed him hard and groaned in shock or arousal. But he held on with both hands. He held on with everything he had. Sebastian held him just as tightly.

  The End

  ###

  Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this, feel free to read And I Am Happy, a short story about Charles Howard and that knowing valet, or any of my other stories here on Smashwords. You can also check out my Livejournal.