After Annihilation: Would you want to survive?

by Gauri Mittal

  “You are mistaken, Aarav. I feel indebted to him. He saved my life and was by my side at my lowest.” I said.

  When he said nothing, I got up. “Goodbye, Aarav,” I said and got up.

  “Wait, Madhavi. This thing between us”—he gestured with his fingers—“it has remained unsaid for too long. Let us settle it once and for all.” He got up and held my arm.

  “Why did you do that earlier?” I asked.

  “What? Trying to kiss you?” he asked. “Are you disappointed I didn’t?”

  I swallowed, trying to reign in my hurt “No.” My voice echoed in the empty cafeteria hall.I began striding off towards the exit, feeling embarrassed.

  In two long strides, he was next to me, pulling me into his arms. Before I knew it, his lips were on mine. Possessive and intimate. I knew no control.

  He drew back slowly, after I knew not how long, looking in my eyes. “I am going wherever you are, Madhavi, be it heaven or hell.”

  We heard the chattering of a group of people coming into the cafeteria, and he immediately released me. “Let’s go to one of the empty classrooms and talk,” he said. “The students should all be at home right now. We have half an hour before they return for the practical lessons.”

  “They don’t have practical lessons today,” I said. “They have been cancelled since everyone is busy with the election nominations.”

  “Even better. We need to talk.”

  When we reached the classroom and switched on the lights, we startled a teenage couple sitting cosily in the seats in the back. They got up hastily and ran off before we could say anything. Aarav looked at me, and we laughed.

  “Poor kids,” I said.

  Aarav chuckled. “Shunya is not the best place for young blooming romances.” We looked at each other, suddenly seeing each other as the best of friends and realizing what we had done.

  Aarav pulled me close to him. He was looking at me steadily. “I am in love with you, Madhavi. I have been for almost five years. If I knew you had feelings for me, I would have confessed much earlier. It never seemed like the right time to tell you what is in my heart because I thought it would be a burden to you. I… do you still feel anything for me, something more than friendship?”

  “Yes, of course, you idiot,” I said, my expression serious. “My only reason for surviving in this hole in the ground without the sun is because I can see you every day. If I get too busy with community matters in the city, don’t you dare find another girl to distract you, or I will ask Vishwaroopum to put you in that small room in the military headquarters they use as a prison.”

  He drew back. “Are you serious?”

  “Very,” I said and kissed him softly, smilingly, teasingly. “Of course, we need to figure some things out. If one of us fights or does something annoying, who do we talk to? Because normally I would talk to you about whatever is bothering me.”

  “Well, if Aarav, the guy you like does anything annoying, you can talk to Aarav your friend about it, and I will do the same with you.” He grinned.

  I chuckled. “All right. We’ll give that a try.”

  “Have you decided whether to accept the nomination to run for president?” he asked.

  “I haven’t decided. but I suddenly feel very inspired,” I said lightly.

  “Do you? That’s fine, but don’t take such a big decision emotionally. Give it some time. Let’s discuss the pros and cons,” he said, back to his usual rational self.

  *

  Vishwaroopum noticed the change on my face almost immediately. We were at the hospital, and he was seated with me in Geetika’s chamber. It was small but had a big window on one side, which had a view of the admin building. It housed a table and chair for herself and three seats for her guests or patients.

  “Something good has happened,” he said. “I have never in the past three years seen you look happier.”

  Geetika put a patient’s document folder on the desk and came over to where we sat. She took a seat beside Vishwaroopum, and he straightened and became immediately silent. I had noticed over the past year or so that he had started speaking more, but only when he was with me, Aarav, Pranav, or Geetika.

  “Why, you are right. She does seem happier. Wait a second…” She lingered, looking into the distance. “Did he ask you already? Did you say yes?” she asked excitedly.

  “Ask what? Who?” I questioned.

  Vishwaroopum looked at her, silently curious. But Geetika seemed reluctant to say more.

  “Do you mean Aarav?” I ventured carefully.

  “Aarav? No, Pranav… Uh, I guess he did not ask. Forget I said anything,” she said. She got up from her seat and began to move towards her desk.

  “No, Geetika, this is unfair. You have to tell me. What is going on?” I pressed.

  Vishwaroopum was now sitting even more upright, silently attentive to gossip. Geetika sighed and came back to her seat.

  “Very well, but don’t let him know I told you.”

  I nodded.

  She continued. “He came here yesterday afternoon. He was kind of excited. He said he already knew who had been nominated for the election and that you were one of them. He said he was going to ask you to lend him your support in the fight after you had agreed to… well, no… I don’t think it’s my place to say the rest. You should hear it from him directly.”

  It seemed a trivial matter to me, and I shrugged it off, but there was a small degree of negativity I felt creeping up on me. At first, the reason I felt it was not clear, but slowly as I made my way back towards 1st Street, it dawned on me. What I felt was resentment.

  From what Geetika had said, it seemed Pranav did not even consider the possibility that I might want to independently run for president, just as he did. But maybe I was being judgemental before truly knowing what he meant. I would ask him the next day.

  I took a nap in my room. It was warm and cosy and had become my sanctuary. Inside here, I could imagine I was still on the surface of the Earth, maybe even in my parents’ house, although such a thought was still very painful. In my heart, the wound had not healed. I had been trying very hard for the past three and a half years to engross myself so deeply in all kinds of work that I would not get a chance to think about my parents and the sorrow inside me. I had long become resigned to the fact that I could no longer go out and find them.

  I had realized intuitively, in that moment of great clarity and peace I had expected by the secret cave entry at the end of 3rd Street, some three months after I entered Shunya, that I could no longer find them on or inside the Earth. Although the realization had been painful, in that moment, it had brought no suffering; there had only been peace. Of course, later it had left some trace in the form of a will to live, even though the clarity and peace had mostly faded.

  Even now, I knew if I decided to run for president, the bigger reason for my doing so would not be to do selfless work for people but as a diversion from my internal suffering.

  But tonight was different. In the loneliness of my room, my thoughts did not immediately start sinking to the tragedy that was my life. And it was not an instant realization. It came on slowly. Like a fever.

  I lay on my bed, my eyes closed gently, and I sighed, “Aarav.” He had said he loved me. That he had loved me for the past five years. I pressed my palms over my face and bit my lips, suddenly feeling shy. He was mine. The realization hit me with full force, spreading through to the middle of my chest. I held my fist over my heart and sobbed tears of relief and joy.

  *

  The next morning, he was waiting for me at the end of 1st Street. Looking down at his feet, his hands inside the pocket of his black pants. He had washed his hair, and it was combed back except for two unruly strands that fell over his high forehead. I smiled, looking him over.

  “Hey,” I said.

  He held my hand lightly as we walked across 2nd Street to get to its exit. I immediately pulled it free. “Everyone here knows me,” I said.

  He gave m
e a side smile, a type I had never seen him give me before.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Nothing,” he said. “I’m just happy. It’s been a long time.”

  I returned his smile, and we were suddenly old friends again, happy to just be with each other.

  “What have you decided?” he asked.

  We had reached 3rd Street and began making our way towards the cafeteria.

  “Nothing,” I declared.

  “I am so proud of you,” he said, chuckling.

  Warmth filled me. “Even if I do decide to, I don’t think I can do it. I would be grateful if I even got one vote.”

  He slowed his pace, and so did I. “It doesn’t matter,” he said. “You are already a winner. Your bravery inspires me, Madhavi.”

  We had come to a complete halt. He was looking at me so tenderly, I was sure everyone passing us on the street must know what had happened yesterday just by looking at him.

  He continued in a low tone. “Every day since we have come here, from the way you have uplifted not only your state of mind alone but those around you, of ones who can do nothing for you in return. I think what I felt for you in college is nothing compared to what I have started feeling for you these past three years. Frankly, I want—”

  But he was cut off. Someone had put their hand on his shoulder.

  “I was just at the hospital. Ashima wants you at the hospital. It seems urgent,” Pranav said.

  “Hi, Madhavi. How are you today morning?” He smiled, showing his dimples to full effect.

  “You should go,” I told Aarav.

  He smiled at me, relieved I had not made a fuss. “I’ll meet you in half an hour or so at breakfast.” He gave me the new smile of his and left towards the hospital. Pranav did not miss it. He was, after all, a perceptive and intelligent guy.

  I turned to Pranav. “What’s up with you?”

  We started walking towards the cafeteria. “I am sorry I haven’t been able to have meals with you for the past week,” he said. “I have been very busy. I’ve been asking someone to bring them to me in the admin office. You must have heard the news by now. I am sure Vishwaroopum must have told you? About the nomination.”

  “Yes,” I replied.

  As soon as I entered the cafeteria, the memory of the afternoon before hit me. Heat engulfed my cheeks, and I struggled to maintain a neutral expression.

  I was soon seated, with Pranav occupying the seat across from mine. We talked for a while about Ashima’s health. He told me the urgency he had talked about before was not her physical condition but her mental. She had told him she had been suffering from nightmares and asked to see Aarav immediately. I decided to go visit her too and see if I could console her. It would be untruthful of me to not confess that I had all this while been jealous of Aarav being close to the beautiful Ashima. But now it was different. Now, he had confessed his love for me, and I for him. We were now more than friends and I trusted Aarav.

  We were soon joined for breakfast by Ayesha, and I got busy talking to her about the year’s mental health programs and the inclusion of music. We could play a daily playlist from my cell phone in the cafeteria and a softer one in the hospital for patients. Sound was a great healer. I wondered why we hadn’t thought of it before.

  I ended the day feeling full of wonder and hope, and it was hard to keep a smile off my face.

  Chapter 15

  The days continued to roll by. Three days were left before the official announcement of the names of the nominees. Vishwaroopum came up to me right after the morning class was over.

  “Miss Madhavi, how are you?” he asked.

  “Hey, where have you been this past week?” I said. “I hardly even saw you in the cafeteria.”

  “I had slipped away,” he said. “I had to do some thinking.”

  He came and sat on the chair across from my mine, the narrow wooden table in between us.

  “Immediately after I was informed my name had been nominated,” he said, “I felt like I had gone back to my old life as a spy. It was not a pleasant feeling. Initially I thought I was running away from responsibilities and started cursing myself. I went… out.”

  “Out?” Then I knew what he meant. “You went out? Through the cave?”

  “Yes. I go out, though infrequently,” he said. “It gives me the will to go on living.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” I said excitedly. “Can you take me with you sometimes? Please, Vishwaroopum. I long to look at nature. There is a constant feeling of longing within me for the trees, the sun, and the moon. Please. As a favour.”

  “I couldn’t tell anyone. It is my responsibility to ensure it is preserved for all of our futures.” He shook his head. “I am here to talk about something else. I have thought about it and come to a conclusion.”

  “But first answer me,” I said. “Will you take me out there? And tell me, oh, please tell me what the surface is like? Can we go back now? Is it safe now? What about other people? We hardly seem to get any news from the surface about other survivors.”

  He kept his forearms on the table and leaned forward. “I can’t take you out, Miss Madhavi. There is still radiation on the surface. In the water, in the soil, in the very air. Though it is much less than before, it is still a nuclear wasteland. Except for the cave. I did not leave it. The cave is huge, deep and untouched, and the lake it harbours is pristine. The water it is filled with comes from underground.”

  Dismayed, I asked, “Why can’t you take me there, then, to the cave at least?”

  “If you go there, you won’t want to come back,” he said, looking at my expression. “It is very difficult for me to return too, but sometimes I go there to test the soil and the water. I bring in samples from the edge of the cave for testing. Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned anything at all.”

  I knew he was absolutely right. I wouldn’t return underground a second time, even if it was to save my life.

  “Tell me,” I said, sobering. “What did you want to talk to me about?”

  “I am going to forego my nomination for the election and instead lend my support to you,” he stated.

  I was puzzled. “Why?” I asked.

  “Well, I lived out the exciting part of my life in my twenties, when I was a spy for Iddis. It was a time when I lived so on edge I didn’t know if I would be alive the next moment. Terrorist groups wanted to kill me, and foreign intelligence agencies wanted to capture me alive. One time, I was captured by the intelligence agency of Pinaar. In those moments, I was thankful that I was an orphan. There was no one who would be hurt by the news of my untimely and horrifying demise. After undergoing hell for some days, finally, by some miracle, I was rescued. When I was brought back to my country, I was alive but in a broken condition. I had post-traumatic stress and debilitating anxiety.

  “I told you my story before, and it’s probably almost 12:30, so I will just say that the important thing is that though I have great regard for Pranav’s capabilities and his trust in me, I do not agree with his ideological viewpoints. With him, everything is about power. He did not like the prime minister and would, without hesitation, withdraw support to the PMC to support the general if he comes to power again.”

  He lowered his voice and leaned closer. “The general is not a good man. I have done some investigation about how he was protecting some Kalkani people hiding addictive drugs in their rooms. He wants their support, but I believe even the Kalkani people have decided to discard the general and place their own man at the presidential seat. Did you not hear of it from Aarav? He secretly took photos of the men smuggling in the drugs while shaking hands with the general, at a deserted corner of 2nd Street. He tipped me off. We have proof to implicate him now, but what we need is a strong and righteous person as the leader who will take action.

  “I have seen you work for this city for the past two and a half years, and I am convinced that for you the well-being of society is what comes first. Among all the candidates, I consider
only you to be the one who has actually made a significant difference in the quality of the lives of the citizens.”

  I was silent for a while. “You have misunderstood me, Vishwaroopum. I am nothing like the idealistic picture you paint me as. First of all, I have done nothing alone, and I would not have been able to do anything alone. I have had immense support and motivation from my friends and the people around me.

  “Secondly, my motives for working in establishing the school, the music classes, and the monthly mental health workshops is no less selfish than how you describe Pranav to be. I do it all not from the goodness of my heart but to suppress the grief that lies within. My motives are most certainly selfish. Either you seem to think I will be easier to control if I’m in the presidential seat or you have put me on a pedestal that I do not deserve. I am sorry. I am not even fully convinced I want to be part of another war, especially not one that these elections might very well turn out to be.”

  “If I had thoughts of controlling you, Miss Madhavi,” Vishwaroopum said, “I would have entered myself in the election. I can work from the sidelines; that is what I am good at. If I take the helm, I will not be a good leader, I can assure you. Too much power makes me drunk and reckless. It has happened to me before when I was leading a team of intelligence officers in my early thirties. Five men were captured and died in a foreign land unnecessarily because of my overambitious, uncontrolled attitude. I am best suited to work in the background.”

  “But why me?” I asked.

  “It is just that I see my younger self in you. If I had not become an intelligence agent for Iddis at twenty-one years of age, I hope I would have been like you. That is why I want to support you and want you to lead this city for at least the next four years. Listening to you now has given me deeper insight into your personality and has strengthened my resolution.”

  “This is ridiculous.” I stood up with force. “There must be many other candidates. Why would you support a twenty-six-year-old who has no political experience?”